Here is my story:
My wife and I met when I was a sophomore and she was a freshman in college. She was a bit of a tomboy and more sexually aggressive than I was. When we met she was engaged to her last boyfriend from high school (the typical bad-boy type). I did not pursue her until she had broken off the engagement and moved on with her life. From the moment that I met her I knew that I would marry her. I know that sounds rather overdramatic but it is true, she was the ONE.
Our relationship progresses to the point that we get married and raise a family for the next 13 years. Nothing ever really seemed out of sorts until the day that I discovered her infidelity (hindsight is 20/20). She was a good wife, a devoted mom, always displayed a strong work ethic and volunteered regularly. If she had any faults it was being strong willed and nagging far too much. I did not suspect cheating because she derided others that cheated and she was the reason that we joined the church and got baptized. She was quite active in church and I accused her of being here anytime the doors were open! What I didn’t know was all of this was only half of her life.
To sum it up – she rekindled a friendship with her ex-fiancé about three years ago. I did not like it but she told me when they talked (yeah right) and when he happened to be passing through town they might grab lunch somewhere (only once that I knew of). As I look back on this a type it out I really feel like a moron – how did I not see it. I didn’t want to be to possessive/jealous type plus she knew right from wrong didn’t she? After all, she is miss goody two shoes and has always had more guy friends than girl friends. The affair lasted for seven months.
It was an EA and PA. Her previous relationship with this guy was primarily sex based. He apparently described her to one of his buds as ‘a rollercoaster that you don’t have to pay for’. His wife found out the affair. My wife called me upset while visiting her mother with our boys (he just so happened to live in the same town). She admitted that his wife had called her upset because he had been hiding the phone conversations form his wife and she was mad. My wife was unusually upset at this. At this point my instincts were screaming that this is not as innocent as it seems. I check her cell phone records and find they had talked for 18 hours that month alone. I called and confronted her – she admitted the affair and that they had sex once.
Over the next week she admits that they had sex twice after lying about it for a couple of days. I had the feeling that there was more to the story and that she would cheat on me again (can’t keep a race horse from running analogy). She broke down and told me more than I ever thought possible of her. The affair that she had with her ex-fiancé was not the only time she was unfaithful. She sat crying on our bathroom floor and recounted 13 different men that she had improper sexual relations with. She refused to tell me the names of two more that she didn’t think that I could handle at that time. She also told me that all of them were her giving oral. The two that she didn’t want to tell me turned out to be people that we both knew, but after all the other revelations –meh.
She struggled to remember some of the guys and which I still don’t understand. She did remember one more guy in the next couple of weeks and swears that was all that she can remember. This does not include when we were not engaged during college. I have enough trouble dealing with what I do know – no need to bring myself down further! She said that all of the affairs (except the last one) were unemotional and as soon as she gave oral she didn’t see the guy again. Further, she stated that she would block out what she was doing from the rest of her life – compartmentalizing her two lives.
As she revealed all of this I remembered that she told me that in high school she was promiscuous and lost her virginity at 14. She mostly admitted to giving BJs in order to not have intercourse with the guys. Very early in our relationship she confided in me that her father molested her somewhere in the age range of 6 to 8 years old. He made her give him oral and occasionally performed oral on her. As she was spilling her guts about all of her indiscretions I told her, “do you not realize that is what your father made you do?” She just looked at me dumbfounded - she had never made that connection.
She got individual counseling and her therapist told her that her problems did in fact stem from her father. I still do not understand how she could do that to me. She swears that it was not about me and she never had any problem with me. It has been 1 year 8 months and for the most part we are a much stronger couple. We love deeper than we ever could have and I now have a genuine relationship with God (the only way I made it this so far). There are still times when I get that ‘kicked in the stomach’ feeling and hate her. Luckily those times are not all that frequent but they do happen. In our entire relationship I have never cheated on her – never really wanted to. Now I actually want to! I am tempted to see what the other side is like even though I know it won’t end well. Make no mistake, I never intend to cheat on her but when I see an attractive woman I do entertain the thought.
I do not think I will ever trust her again. She home schools our children and rarely ever goes anywhere without one of the kids, a mutual female friend or me. I check her phone records and she knows it. She actually gets jealous of me even though I have never acted on the urge to cheat on her – pot meet kettle! For the most part we are a much stronger couple but sometimes can’t help thinking about her as a ***** that serviced other men whenever she wanted to. Frankly I am sick of having to build in checks and balances for every activity she does. I don’t think that she will do it again but I can’t take that chance! She understands that any instance of cheating will result in a no questions asked divorce. Her boundaries are: never communicate with ex fiancé again, never be alone with another man and never lie to me again. She has not violated these rules, says that she does not want to continue her old lifestyle and has watched how she (publicly) talks with other men to not give that ‘open for business’ vibe but because I don’t fully understand why she did it I expect it to happen again.
To be fair to her, she now showers me with adoration and actually looks at me like she loves me. We can make it though this but I do get tired of the constant visual of her giving oral to all of those men. It is very hard for me to believe that she is 'cured' just because she knows that her father set her up for failure.
All the above is really just me venting - thanks for listening, any advice would be helpful.
My wife and I met when I was a sophomore and she was a freshman in college. She was a bit of a tomboy and more sexually aggressive than I was. When we met she was engaged to her last boyfriend from high school (the typical bad-boy type). I did not pursue her until she had broken off the engagement and moved on with her life. From the moment that I met her I knew that I would marry her. I know that sounds rather overdramatic but it is true, she was the ONE.
Our relationship progresses to the point that we get married and raise a family for the next 13 years. Nothing ever really seemed out of sorts until the day that I discovered her infidelity (hindsight is 20/20). She was a good wife, a devoted mom, always displayed a strong work ethic and volunteered regularly. If she had any faults it was being strong willed and nagging far too much. I did not suspect cheating because she derided others that cheated and she was the reason that we joined the church and got baptized. She was quite active in church and I accused her of being here anytime the doors were open! What I didn’t know was all of this was only half of her life.
To sum it up – she rekindled a friendship with her ex-fiancé about three years ago. I did not like it but she told me when they talked (yeah right) and when he happened to be passing through town they might grab lunch somewhere (only once that I knew of). As I look back on this a type it out I really feel like a moron – how did I not see it. I didn’t want to be to possessive/jealous type plus she knew right from wrong didn’t she? After all, she is miss goody two shoes and has always had more guy friends than girl friends. The affair lasted for seven months.
It was an EA and PA. Her previous relationship with this guy was primarily sex based. He apparently described her to one of his buds as ‘a rollercoaster that you don’t have to pay for’. His wife found out the affair. My wife called me upset while visiting her mother with our boys (he just so happened to live in the same town). She admitted that his wife had called her upset because he had been hiding the phone conversations form his wife and she was mad. My wife was unusually upset at this. At this point my instincts were screaming that this is not as innocent as it seems. I check her cell phone records and find they had talked for 18 hours that month alone. I called and confronted her – she admitted the affair and that they had sex once.
Over the next week she admits that they had sex twice after lying about it for a couple of days. I had the feeling that there was more to the story and that she would cheat on me again (can’t keep a race horse from running analogy). She broke down and told me more than I ever thought possible of her. The affair that she had with her ex-fiancé was not the only time she was unfaithful. She sat crying on our bathroom floor and recounted 13 different men that she had improper sexual relations with. She refused to tell me the names of two more that she didn’t think that I could handle at that time. She also told me that all of them were her giving oral. The two that she didn’t want to tell me turned out to be people that we both knew, but after all the other revelations –meh.
She struggled to remember some of the guys and which I still don’t understand. She did remember one more guy in the next couple of weeks and swears that was all that she can remember. This does not include when we were not engaged during college. I have enough trouble dealing with what I do know – no need to bring myself down further! She said that all of the affairs (except the last one) were unemotional and as soon as she gave oral she didn’t see the guy again. Further, she stated that she would block out what she was doing from the rest of her life – compartmentalizing her two lives.
As she revealed all of this I remembered that she told me that in high school she was promiscuous and lost her virginity at 14. She mostly admitted to giving BJs in order to not have intercourse with the guys. Very early in our relationship she confided in me that her father molested her somewhere in the age range of 6 to 8 years old. He made her give him oral and occasionally performed oral on her. As she was spilling her guts about all of her indiscretions I told her, “do you not realize that is what your father made you do?” She just looked at me dumbfounded - she had never made that connection.
She got individual counseling and her therapist told her that her problems did in fact stem from her father. I still do not understand how she could do that to me. She swears that it was not about me and she never had any problem with me. It has been 1 year 8 months and for the most part we are a much stronger couple. We love deeper than we ever could have and I now have a genuine relationship with God (the only way I made it this so far). There are still times when I get that ‘kicked in the stomach’ feeling and hate her. Luckily those times are not all that frequent but they do happen. In our entire relationship I have never cheated on her – never really wanted to. Now I actually want to! I am tempted to see what the other side is like even though I know it won’t end well. Make no mistake, I never intend to cheat on her but when I see an attractive woman I do entertain the thought.
I do not think I will ever trust her again. She home schools our children and rarely ever goes anywhere without one of the kids, a mutual female friend or me. I check her phone records and she knows it. She actually gets jealous of me even though I have never acted on the urge to cheat on her – pot meet kettle! For the most part we are a much stronger couple but sometimes can’t help thinking about her as a ***** that serviced other men whenever she wanted to. Frankly I am sick of having to build in checks and balances for every activity she does. I don’t think that she will do it again but I can’t take that chance! She understands that any instance of cheating will result in a no questions asked divorce. Her boundaries are: never communicate with ex fiancé again, never be alone with another man and never lie to me again. She has not violated these rules, says that she does not want to continue her old lifestyle and has watched how she (publicly) talks with other men to not give that ‘open for business’ vibe but because I don’t fully understand why she did it I expect it to happen again.
To be fair to her, she now showers me with adoration and actually looks at me like she loves me. We can make it though this but I do get tired of the constant visual of her giving oral to all of those men. It is very hard for me to believe that she is 'cured' just because she knows that her father set her up for failure.
All the above is really just me venting - thanks for listening, any advice would be helpful.