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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-12-2010, 06:31 PM   #1 (permalink)
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My husband and I have been married 4 years tomorrow in fact and we came home after partying saturday night, I went to the loo, had a shower and he went to bed, i came in, he had fallen asleep with his phone on his chest, i picked it up and checked to make sure it wasn't important what he had been doing (we own a business and are on 24 hour call). When i opened it there was a chat page - i didn't read it all (I regret that now) but all i could see was a photo of a woman talking about rubbing my husbands **** and a photo of him next to a name that isn't his.
Needless to say I lost my ****, I woke him up then threw the phone in the loo. He is telling me that he has felt problems in our marriage for at least two years and joined a site - like this one!! to talk to people and he felt most comfortable talking to women and this woman was divorced from her abusive husband and they have been talking (not sure if just through chat or even on the phone/skype, who knows!) to her and it's not his fault if she misconstrued their talks and 'fell' for him.
How am I ever supposed to believe him - for all i know he has a whole second 'online' life and how can I ever ever trust him again. He says cybersex isn't cheating anyway. I feel that it is - we are pretty adventurous sexually and I would have been okay being involved in swinging chat but this feel devious and totally repulsive.
With our anniversary tomorrow I am really wondering what to do, because I want the truth so I know where I stand and can make an informed decision as to what needs to happen next, but I am worried, he'll just keep lying - he is the consummate sales man/lying man.
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Old 10-12-2010, 11:21 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Talking or Cybersex

Quote:
Originally Posted by nervouswife View Post
it's not his fault if she misconstrued their talks and 'fell' for him.
He will keep lying. he's saying its not his fault, he was innocently chatting, its not cheating anyway...blah, blah, blah. He has no intention of stopping.

If he's willing to be honest with you then he'd be willing to put a monitoring system on his computer. I have K9 web protection on mine. caught my H lying last week. My H also has some program on his phone that blocks those sites. I dont monitor that at all so he could be lying about that.
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Old 10-13-2010, 11:50 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Talking or Cybersex

Hi,

Actually this is my first post since joining, and I joined for very similar reasons that you are talking about.

I agree with the last post, unless he is willing to be honest and take responsibility for his behaviours, it's likely that he will continue to lie. I think he owes you a proper explanation, problems in a relationship (if that is how he perceived it) does not justify what he has done. In my opinion he could have done a number of things, talk to you, suggest counselling etc rather than behaving in a way that would cause more damage. That's just my opinion, and the topic is very close to home so I may not be the best person at giving an objective response. I just didn't want to read and run as I understand how you are feeling at the moment. Hope you manage to sort things out.
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Old 10-13-2010, 04:26 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Yes they always say it isn't cheating but of course it is. If we define anything that you keep secret from your SO than this is most certainly cheating. My girlfriend was sending naked pics and sexting her an old hook up of hers who worked in the same building, so I too have been a victim of cell phone technology.

Lay it all on the line....no more contact with this woman, you see each others cell phones whenever you want..complete transparency. No secret and no lies. If he wants the relationship to work, he will go along with it.
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Old 10-19-2010, 05:26 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks guys I'm going to try and sit him down - he's said he wants to be a better man and all that but I still feel I don't know the full truth. I am really scared to ask for all the details because I get mad quickly and am afraid of yelling at him before he gets it all out and me being no better off!
Thanks again I'll let you know how I go and keep the advice coming if it helps others it is worth it
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Old 10-19-2010, 05:26 PM   #6 (permalink)
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