happless

I can't believe it has come to this. I am so ashamed. I married this spring to my longtime girlfriend. We have been so happy but I have been burdened by guilt. I cheated on her while we were engaged. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I did it anyway. Looking back it's like it was some other person.

We had been together so long and I was nervous about marriage. I wanted to be sure. Instead of being open and honest about my reservations I was weak and gave into the overtures of another woman who said she was trying to help. I ended it well before the wedding and decided that I would keep it to myself. I didn't want to hurt my wife and thought that I could bare the guilt. I figured it would fade into the past.

Now I am not so sure. I worry that others may know. If so it doesn't seem fair to keep it from her anymore. It was one thing when it was just me carrying guilt but if there are others that know than that complicates matters. I love her so much and it seems so unfair to keep it from her. She thinks the world of me and I believe it will destroy her and our families. Not to mention myself. I am the last person someone would expect to do this. I am admired by friends for my ethics and always try to do what's right but failed miserably in this case.

I've prayed a lot about this but keep going back and forth about what to do. The full truth seems to be the right thing but I don't believe that our young marriage can survive this right now. We don't have much of a support system in place where we live. We are supposed to be enjoying our newly married life but the anxiety of what others may know is really affecting me. What should I do?

draconis

I wonder if it is guilt that now drives you or the fact someone else might expose it?

I guess it doesn't matter. First I would suggest counciling for you, you will need that support. Second, come clean with your wife now. If she finds out years down the road it might hurt her worse and still yet there might be children involved then.

draconis

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827Aug

A lot will depend on how well you know your wife. Would it be best to come clean or not tell and hope she never finds out? If others know, there is no guarantee the little secret will remain a secret forever. You will probably be better off to go ahead an tell now, rather than do damage control later. If she finds out later, the good ole trust factor is going to come into play.

justean

coming from a scorned woman herself. i found out for myself. i played my own detective. you could survive it , but you will certainly be going through the emotional rollercoaster if you do tell her.
i actually feel for you. your guilt is putting you in tumoil.
but you know it was a mistake and hopefully you wont do it again.
or you wont be tempted again.
i found my hubby had a one night stand in april 08. yes i played detective, i kicked him out. trust is definately an issue.
but we have been together 13 yrs. but were working through it.
if your marriage is in a difficult phase now and as your early ,in your marriage - i think it would be a huge blow and u could lose her.
how much do you think you know her?
personally. and i am against my own morals. but if you really wont do it again. you have to let that night go away and move forward. dont tell her.
if something comes up in the future , you deal with it then.
this is not the right time.

Dancing Nancie

I am curious to know if you are dealing with guilt or fear. I can see both being in play here. If you are feeling guilty for what happened, then you will always feel it. It wont go away until you come clean. Do you think she would leave you if you told her?

Are you scared that if she finds out on her own it will make the situation worse?

I think your best bet here is to seek counseling. The counselor can help you work through the emotions that you have, and you can decide what is your best course of action.

happless

Thanks for the responses. It is a combination of guilt and fear. I had a slightly heavy heart before but had really felt that it would fade into the past. Then fear began to take over. When I calmly look at the situation I realize that I am probably overreacting. I think she may leave me if I tell her but we do love each other so maybe we can work through it.

I'm strongly leaning towards coming clean. I know it's a big risk but it seems that it is the first step towards making things right. I'm hoping that honesty, remorse, and the fact that I cut all contact off will see us through. However, I realize that what I have done is a terrible injustice.

michzz

I didn't get to find out that my wife did as you did, cheat while we were engaged until years later when she cheated again. Nice way to add more hurt to the then current revelation.

I recommend that you NEVER tell her, never.

However, do that if you are sure you will NEVER cheat again. I mean 50 years of not cheating.

Tell it to your confessor instead. Carry the guilt.

On the other hand, if you are weak like my wife is, and will likely cheat again, then you should tell so she can make decisions about her life--with or without you.

happless

I told and I am glad. She is my best friend and there should be no secrets. We will face our problems together and already are working to do so.

Blanca

Good for you! I think you did the honorable thing.