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I'm at a loss on my next move....

61K views 253 replies 59 participants last post by  GROUNDPOUNDER 
#1 ·
So I found this site a couple years ago and it was instrumental in opening my eyes to why my wife of 4 years wanted "space".

I had given her the space while in the home with her and our two kids. It wasn't good enough so I opted to move out about 5 months ago. She has said she doesn't want to R at this point but hasn't filed for divorce either.

Over the last 2 years I've done everything in my power to show my commitment to her and the family, as a Christian man. The separation was not intended for us to date.

Long story short though I've had my suspicions obviously, I confirmed she is sleeping with another man. All the while she's been extremely easy to get along with and has actually been inviting me over for family dinners etc.

With this specific information what do I do? I really want my family together but know I don't deserve this behavior not to mention how do I trust again?

Sorry if I left info out didn't want to be too long winded.

Thanks in advance for your advice and support

Mvnfwd
 
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#101 ·
Your children are young enough now that if you get divorced while it will be a confusing time for them and stressful now in a few years they will not remember it.

You think she was coming around the last couple of months…that things were getting better and you were having the children most of your off hours from work. She has probably viewed you as the built in babysitter and been “nicer” so she could spend more time in her other world having fun. You’re the convenience item.

Just taking the current om and her previous actions with the ex-boyfriend etc out of the equation it sounds like you both have fundamentally different beliefs and this can be very polarizing in a relationship. She has zero reason to change, she has done exactly what she wants and you have taken it.

I understand your beliefs and wants about family and your desire to keep it together. Don’t take it the wrong way but your fighting for an “ideal” How do you actually feel about your wife? Maybe I missed it somewhere but why do you want to remain married to her? Other than the principle. Children grow up and create there own lives. Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment but that is based on two people who share the same commitment. That commitment is not a lifetime prison term for one.
 
#106 ·
Originally Posted by mvnfwd
I agree. It was a mistake to marry a non believer



By Turnera
You can't be serious?!

Of the top worst people I've known in my 50+ years, all but ONE have been 'avowed Christians'; as my husband (a devout Lutheran) puts it, all Christianity means is that you get to do whatever you want and then ask for forgiveness



Originally Posted by mvnfwd
And I highly doubt the idea that to live any way you choose under the protection of forgiveness is the typical outlook of Christians....


By Turnera
Then you're oblivious.

How old are you, again?

fwiw, I mean no disrespect. But when I see someone blindly saying that just because someone is a Christian, they will not do wrong, it's not only wrong, it's harmful


And yet you are saying that, because she is a 'non-believer' THAT is the reason she's hurting you.




Originally Posted by mvnfwd
I didn't say that either.....my thought though is if we had a mutual belief and guide for our life together....namely God and the bible, things may be different.





WOW, talk about someone adding their own skewed opinion into the posts of mvnfwd!!


Turnera judges mvnfwd as “oblivious” and asking how old mvnfwd is (condescending) then ads in something that is not even in the posts such as
“When I see someone blindly saying that just because someone is a Christian, they will not do wrong, it's not only wrong, it's harmful”

Then Turnera comes out with another one and I do not know where that came from
And yet you are saying that, because she is a 'non-believer' THAT is the reason she's hurting you.
Turnera, if you are going to judge someone and then put words in their mouth at least try and post some quotes from mvnfwd.

Mvnfwd, what you did say shows some wisdom, you said

.....my thought though is if we had a mutual belief and guide for our life together....namely God and the bible, things may be different.

Someone like Turnera helps your statements as Turnera’s position being so opposite and so bias and without any substance makes you look better!!
 
#111 ·
Turnera judges mvnfwd as “oblivious” and asking how old mvnfwd is (condescending) then ads in something that is not even in the posts such as
He says that he should have married a believer so he would not have been cheated on. How oblivious IS that?

I asked his age because I believe that, if he were at least 40, he would have learned in the School Of Hard Knocks by now that blind belief doesn't guarantee the result you think it will give. You'd have learned by now that, beliefs or not, you're always at risk if you don't own your own side of the street and that blindly believing that marrying a Christian woman guarantees you safe passage is delusional - ne'e oblivious - to the reality in life today.
 
#109 ·
It does not make him look better. It makes him think better. Have you considered that Turnera knows what she is doing?

I'm very glad she is here. People need a kick in the pants and a helping hand.

She frequently presents a foil for posters to counterpoint. It's not a role for the faint of heart.
 
#112 ·
I believe the OP was referring to this.

2 Corinthians 6:14
King James Version (KJV)
14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

Not taking a shot at anybody, just admitting he failed to look for the right qualifications in a wife.
 
#113 ·
"my thought though is if we had a mutual belief and guide for our life together....namely God and the bible, things may be different."

Not necessarily....one of the most selfish and unrepentant cheating wives on this sight, Zanne, is an avowed conservative Christian.

I doubt it would make much difference from the many threads I've read hear on TAM.

Christians seem to cheat as much as anyone else, whether of a different religious tradition or non-believers.
 
#120 ·
Re: Re: I'm at a loss on my next move....

Mvnfwd

Is the house your wife lives in also yours?

She's in a house I left and renting. I'm on lease.

Do you know if your wife brings the OM over to " your" house"

Yes she does.

Does your wife know why you left the home?

I left when I saw she was texting a coworker. Did not explain why.

Does your wife lie to you about dating, sleeping with her BF?

Yes she says separation and her position has nothing to do with another person.

HM
 
#126 ·
Since you have his name and number look him up at places like spokeo.com. Find out if he is married, where he lives and contact his wife/girlfriend about what he's doing. See if you can google his name and get a picture from facebook etc. If you can verify him put him on cheaterville.com. Then send the link to him, his wife, and your wife.

The odds are high that the affair with this scum bag is the reason for your wife wanting space two years ago. In any event divorce or not you need to break up this affair to keep such a sleaze away from your children.

You need to confront your wife with her adultery. She will say it doesn't matter because you're seperated. I would immediately do this and move back in and in a short time file for divorce and expose her to your familes and friends if she won't immedi ately stop the affair.
 
#129 ·
Here is one review of Athol's book at amazon.com, check out the other reviews. At least one woman gave it five stars The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books


May have saved my marriage.
By Brian M. on October 25, 2011
Format: Paperback Amazon Verified Purchase
I don't remember exactly how I cam across this book, I think I found Athol's blog and ordered the book from there, but I know that my wife and I have been having ongoing problems for years and I was ready to get out.

Enter the Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011. I blasted through the book in two days, Athol's style is informal and accessible (most of the content is modified from the blog) that makes this book an easy read despite a ton of content.

After reading the book I realize that being the "nice guy" husband isn't enough to get my needs met in the marriage and have started the "plan" to bettering myself. My wife responded positively almost immediately, but was confused at how abrupt the change was. I'm in a constant battle with myself right now, trying to undo years worth of self-defeating behaviors that I thought would help. Trust me, it's worth it.

Guys, I can not recommend this book highly enough. Athol provides a fresh new way of looking at your relationship and gives biological, evolutionary, and otherwise completely rational explanations for how relationships work.

If your wife has shut down on you and you're feeling trapped, the problem may not be that you just aren't doing enough housework, like I've seen other books recommend, but that you aren't giving your wife a man that is worth being attracted to.

In sum, if you're willing to put forth some effort, this book works. If you aren't getting what you want out of the marriage, try this first. It will save you a ton of money that you'll be spending on hookers or lawyers.
Comment Was this review helpful to you?

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#131 ·
OP raised Christianity in his thread, so discussing it is not a thread jack if it ties in to advice.

Turnera's point, that Christianity does not prevent adultery, is obviously true. The Ten Commandments have not prevented sin; they merely point out what sin is.

It is possible that a Christian sinner may behave differently in rationalizing guilt, allocating blame, etc. Catholics confess sins and start fresh. Protestants have one on one talks with God.

Christian men and women fornicate like everyone else.
 
#133 ·
MVNFWD,

Since you're in good shape and most likely a reasonably high enough ranking male to get frequent offers from women, and given that your wife seems to be in contact with numerous men simultaneously, you have apparently gotten yourself involved with a sexual adventuress. She is probably not going to change, since she seems to be into variety.

What is your plan? Are you moving back in or filing?

Concerning the "controversy," it has been shown in some much discussed studies that the fewer premarital sex partners a woman has, the more likely she is to be "happy" in marriage after five years. Of course, 4-seven years and 12-14 are the generally accepted danger points for WWs. However, about 70% of first marriages "take." Yours did not. What is your wife's body count from before your marriage? She has a high enough one after. Now, as for "Christian" women, adultery has always been a problem within the church, as we see in the Epistles. Elders and Deacons are forbidden from having harems in the Pastorals, most likely due to female hypergamy and the resentment that would cause. However, it would be good to have spiritual unity within your next home.

You also should read MMSLP.
 
#136 ·
Thers an old saying her in Italy:
wifes and oxens from your hometown.
What it means is that you never should get married to whom has not your same religion, culture or area of birth, because for one of them (or all of them) you will have marital problems, unless one of you is willing to give them up for the other..... and that never happens :)
 
#137 ·
Just because I like it doesn't mean I entirely agree with it!

My W sacrificed a lot to be with me, good or bad choice? Really don't know? :(

She made a bad choice hence me ending up here, I made a choice to R and again, a reason why I ended up here.

I do agree that you need to get to know your future spouse in ways that can and are proven to be loyal and trust worthy, I once held the same idealistic view that good Christian women were less likely to be cheaters, life just simply told me otherwise!!
 
#138 ·
So I've been really trying to put it all together....I've gotten both extremes from "expose and file" to "stay the course, love your wife"

I've come to the the conclusion that loving justice and exposure look like this for me. Opinions appreciated. Time line would be in next week or so....

"WW, I'm aware of where this separation has taken us and the line that you have crossed. If you want to move forward toward reconciliation by way of Christian counsel and a commitment to each other and God, I am willing.

If we cannot move forward in this direction I will file for divorce immediately and the game will be over. I will be cordial for the children and I will move forward on my own."

It has been 2 years and the consensus is that is more than ample time to "figure" things out. I feel there is strength in putting my foot down finally and obviously standing by my position. As many have said this facade must be broken down with reality.
 
#141 ·
Too many words and explanations. I really don't think you should leave it up to her. She'll string you along as long as you allow.

You are a very principled man but you are casting your principles on a dry soil. What does scripture say about that? What is one interpretation of the parable of hiding your light under a basket?

You are not meant to throw away the gifts of loyalty and a just heart. Bestow them upon a more deserving woman. Rescue your children.

Show them what love, respect and loyalty looks like. It is not what they are seeing now - their father being disrespected and their mother disrespecting herself.

Have faith and let this go.
 
#140 ·
OP: First, really sorry you are now a member of the club that no one wants to belong to. I get it completely.

Dude, what you need to understand, you need to pray over.... Your wife is gone.... You keep talking about reconciliation, and no way is that happening unless you are willing to let her go. I was where you are now once. I so wanted my wife to reconcile, but she was not interested at all. Only difference is I gave her two weeks, you have given her two years. You, my friend, need to realize that she is happy with how things are, she is not stressed, not upset, she is living large...why would she want to change? Time to man up! Time to disrupt her world, not that I think it is going to give you a chance, but if you have any at all that would be it. You keep saying how "in a week". You are going to do this or that. What is wrong with today? Become the leader of your household! Not the mat outside its door. All the best advice does no good to the person who refuses to utilize it. Up to this point your situation has been on your wife, today it starts to point to you. Good luck! Hope you wise up soon, I know you can, but you have to want to. Praying for you..
 
#149 ·
He's been brainwashed by his idiot pastor to the point he thinks he's Hosea. Come hell or high water he's going to stand by a woman who has zero respect for him.
Hosea's abuse continues, not from his hooker wife, but at the hands of preachers who think they have the right to mangle context. But what can you expect from a practice (homiletics) brought into the church by Sophist converts other than sophistry.
 
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