So I found this site a couple years ago and it was instrumental in opening my eyes to why my wife of 4 years wanted "space".
I had given her the space while in the home with her and our two kids. It wasn't good enough so I opted to move out about 5 months ago. She has said she doesn't want to R at this point but hasn't filed for divorce either.
Over the last 2 years I've done everything in my power to show my commitment to her and the family, as a Christian man. The separation was not intended for us to date.
Long story short though I've had my suspicions obviously, I confirmed she is sleeping with another man. All the while she's been extremely easy to get along with and has actually been inviting me over for family dinners etc.
With this specific information what do I do? I really want my family together but know I don't deserve this behavior not to mention how do I trust again?
Sorry if I left info out didn't want to be too long winded.
"Wife, you've torn this marriage to shreds with your actions. There's a VERY tiny chance I could ever forgive you enough to keep this marriage intact. It would require a LOT of work on your part and, for doing that, I'd be willing to also investigate through MC my role in your unhappiness (as well as your role in mine). But I've seen no remorse from you for the ultimate dagger in my heart, so all I can say at this point is I'm moving on, to find a faithful spouse. You're welcome to try to change my mind."
Friend, I feel so bad for you. But I agree with the others that you are deluding yourself. You are holding on to a pipe dream, an illusion. Your marriage no longer exists. You love someone who no longer loves you.
You need to make everyone aware of what she has done and what she is doing. You need to file for divorce. It killed me to divorce my cheating ex wife, yet now six months down the road I am divorced and engaged to the most wonderful woman I have ever known. Up until my wife betrayed me I thought she was the greatest woman I had ever known. Boy was I wrong. My fiencee is so superior to her in every way as to almost be humorous.
I think there is a woman out there who will make you completely forget any love you ever had for that treacherous hussy you are married too. You just have to have the courage to get out of this sham, out of slavery, and into a new life for yourself.
Thanks again for all the time you've put into my situation. Not all comments were easy to read, but I wanted no punches pulled and that's what I got.....I truly appreciate it. I will post the news once delivered to her.
She has shown no willingness to reconcile with you. She knows your current position and has not given you even a shred of hope from her that she wants to reconcile. She knows full well at anytime she can try and come back, that is why she is doing whatever she pleases. You offering reconciliation yet one more time to her is a WASTE of time and will only reinforce her current view of you.
Life almost always come down to a choice between one or the other. Either you file for divorce or you live life in limboland waiting for her to finally put the kill shot on this marriage when she feels like it. The one constant in the last two years of your life is your willingness to take her back and her unwillingness to come back. Look at your situation today, you have proven one thing, what you have done didn’t work. Accept that and try something different.
OK in response to your thread title, your next move/s is/are very simple and as follows:
1. Nothing to do with faith, religion, Christianity or anything of the like, your wife is NOT a nice person - in fact she is lying, deceitful and disrespectful - but you already know this - and should be treated as such. That means do not be a friend or companion to her and treat her like the enemy.
2. Divorce her - do this asap whilst protecting yourself and yours.
3. Try and move her out of your life and try and go for max custody.
Very simple - there is nothing (and I repeat, nothing) here to salvage. Do not waste time with this no matter what you think your faith is telling you to do - else you will suffer more and you will most definitely not be doing yourself any favours.
Going for max custody is a waste of time and money, he's thoroughly screwed himself by moving out and leaving the kids with her. The best he can hope for is 50/50 and I wouldn't want to bet on that.
With regard to custody I've also heard that moving out can hurt my cause. It was a very tough decision to make 5 months ago. I have though logged all the time I've had them, which has been more than 50% of the time.
It can, but no more than the cause is already hurt. She is the mother. If she wants custody, she will get it. That is of course you have something on her like drug use or child abuse, etc. If you can prove nothing of the sort to show her as unfit, then moving out didn't hurt anything because you are the father. You already had 3 strikes against you. Believe me, I know.
It was a very tough decision to make 5 months ago. I have though logged all the time I've had them, which has been more than 50% of the time.
Thanks for your input. I do agree I don't deserve what she's doing.....my hang up is the advice I've gotten from my Pastor. He's says stay the course continue to love my wife. I am true to my faith but really?
Do not listen to your pastor. He isn't thinking so much about you as he is about "God". Stay and continue to love a cheating wife who is being penetrated by another man?
Even if she does, she got to have her little fun and you will forever get to replay in your mind her bouncing up and down on him. Sorry to put it that way, but that's what happened.
Why would you even want her any longer? If for "love", then go ahead and listen to the pastor. But I think it would be a mistake. People reconcile, but I think true reconciliation where there is a happy ending is few and far between.
You need to:
1- Talk to a shark lawyer ASAP and prepare everything for the day...
2- ...you go back home, along with the guy that serves her the papers shortly after making all the financial moves.
Any slim chance you might have to save this marriage (my guess is less than 0.00001%) will once arise if you shock her like this.
As a former pastor and chaplain I would like to chime in.
I sought pastoral help last year. He was recommended by my BIL. Initally he helped. He suggested that I write my wife a letter. It basically stated that I love her and that out of love I was divorcing her.
After I gave my wife that letter, my wife met with this pastor and his wife and things got very nasty between the pastor, some in my wife's family and myself. The pastor lied to my wife's family and my wife about me. He believed my wife's story about me being abusive and stated that I was a pathological control freak. Her family took the side of the pastor.
Some pastors when dealing with a believing spouse who is married to an "unbeliever", will exhort you to stay the course and show love. But many will give you advice that adultery is cause to end the marriage.
In your case I would suggest that you simply end this marriage. File for D. Your attempts at trying to convince her to R are in vain. You bought into her "I need space" speech and gave it to her. All she meant by that is "I found someone else".
I could quote bible verse after bible verse, but the bottom line is you are free to divorce this woman. She has not shown any respect to you and I don't think your pastor gets it.
Want to say again what has already been told you.... Get a VAR, have it on you all the time. Now some on here will tell you it is illegal in some states, cant be used in court. But let me tell you it can be used in the "Family" court. Can be used for friends and family to hear what was really said and done. For me, I don't really care about legal or not. I would want something to back me up with those I care for, my family and friends...
She had pushed for space so hard and was so hard to live with.....I moved out after seeing she had been texting a coworker inappropriately.
(The more I put "pen to paper" the more I realize I only have one option and that's to divorce her and snuff out this small sliver of hope built in my mind)
Her actions continue to show that she does not have any respect for you and your marriage whatsoever. IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?
If she wanted separation to screw her boyfriend so bad why in the hell didn't you make her move out? You move out and she moves her boyfriend into your home. What kind of bull **** is this?
Move back into your home and file for divorce. Why are you willing to accept such humiliation and disrespect from her. She has played you like a fiddle. Enough is enough!
You are certain about the affair. Do you know who her partner in fornication is? I suggest that you post POSOM on Cheaterville. This is a most effect method of giving him a sharp knee in the groin.
Post him with photos. You can find them on his FB page if you know who he is. You can send the CV link to his colleagues and FB friends. You can send the mails via an Internet cafe so that there is no trace to you.
POSOM will whine to your WW and ask her to beg you to spare him the humiiation. You will only smile calmly and say that you are divorcing her. Make your divorce as brutal as possible. If you contribute money to your wife, cut it off.
Make certain you file for 50/50 custody. Expose the affair to her family.
You need to make her infidelity inconvenient and embarrassing. So far your doormat approach has undermined your sex ranking. You are at the bottom of a mine shaft standing in an icy puddle. Your wife believes that you are a non-entity as far a women go. She cannot image anyone desiring you. You need to show that you are not going to languish at the bottom of the pit. You are coming out into the sunlight.
Wash the grit off your face. Act confidently.
I am not a Christian but if there is a Christ, he is on your side. He will allow you to forgive those who betrayed you. The POSOM is a human being. That you will not deny. You will act forcefully so that you can avoid being a bitter and hateful man. You are saving yourself, so that you can be a good father and good husband.
There is no Christian reason to be a doormat. The other cheek that needs to be turned at the moment is not yours but your wife's. Her behind should be turned toward the OM as she marches back to you. If she remains a sinner, you must abandon her. The tune is "I love you but goodbye".
He has not lived with his wife for 5 months, no legal paperwork as been filed. They are still married. Whether she was having an affair before or after he moved out is almost a mute point debating the timing.
She is seeing other man and has not filed for divorce or even a legal separation. Even back in your posts from 2012 you suspected something was going on. The timing of when she started seeing other people is almost irrelevant at this point. She is and she is telling him this in the here and now.
We still come back to the facts as you have presented them. You have had marital problems for 2 years, you have been living seperatately for 5 months. She is NOT asking to reconcile and pulled her life farther away from you. Who is paying the kids/housing expenses? Is she a SAHM?
At no point has this marriage had any signs of life other than your “hope” and the occasional dinner for a long time. You can do all the voice recordings and exposing all you want it doesnt change the fact that based on the information you currently know you can make an informed decision on YOUR life. As I have stated before, choice is bury your head in the sand and maintain the status quo or file for divorce.
You can move back in if you choose, legally she cant stop you. Do you want the house? Right now it would be the only reason to move back and hope she moves out. Or she will then finally file for divorce and try to keep the home. The courts really don’t care who moved out in todays day and age. Most of the evidence gathering stuff people are suggesting is helpful in reinforcing your decision but legally its not going to do anything unless you live in one of the few states with “at fault”
Some great advice. There is a very clear consensus that makes the decision to divorce without considering R a bit more palatable. Wish I could reply to each of you.
MVN, it really ain't about the new man. The gal wanted you out pure and simple. I suspect its with her like it is with a lot of woman, she lost that loving feeling. She was out of love with you before the new man took your place. The reality is she ain't coming back my man.
Refreshing to see someone take the advice here.
Mvnfwd, you are going to be happy that you did.
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