mvnfwd,
I'm writing to you today as a Christian marriage coach. I've spent years--decades--specifically helping people reconcile after an affair or recover if reconciliation is not going to happen, and I specifically use a Christian method. And I'm here to tell you that the teaching in the bible is clear: if there is sexual immorality involved then you are well within your rights to choose to morally walk away, and YOU did not end the marriage by walking away, but rather her sexual immorality was the covenant breaker.
Now I know that 99.99% of pastors out there will talk to couples about "forgiveness" and "loving their spouse," and those things are not necessarily false. But what's happening I think, is that they are applying the wrong thing at the wrong time. So let's go over those two ideas: "forgiving" and "loving."
Forgiving your spouse does not mean that your spouse necessarily repents, nor that you condone what they are doing and let them escape the consequence of what they've done. God forgave King David for committing adultery with Uriah's wife, but that didn't meant that David didn't suffer the cost of his adultery: namely she lost the baby, and all the rest of his sons and his family were ungodly. David repented. God forgave. But the natural cost of adultery was the strife and pain brought into David's family.
It's the same for us. Your wife may or may not be repentant of her adultery, but that doesn't mean you "forgive" her by letting her "off the hook." Forgiving her just means that you put give up all claim on account of the debt or obligation she owes you. You let go and move on. For some reason, some Christians have this notion in their heads that forgiveness means "letting them get away with what they've done" and in real life that is just not the case! We all 100% owe the debt for the sin we've done, but when God forgives us, He doesn't immediately make us into sinless angels--He releases the debt we owe Him.
So start thinking in a biblical way about forgiveness. She is a human being, just like you or I. She may or may not be repentant, but either way, she made promises to you when you two married, and because of the damage she has done to you and to the family, she owes ENORMOUS debts right now. Forgiving her would be releasing her from that debt while not releasing her from the natural consequences of her choices.
And that leads directly into the next topic: Loving.
Loving does not mean a fluttery feeling when you see or think of someone. Loving is not always being nice no matter what they do. Loving is not allowing people to walk all over you and behave badly. These are all common misconceptions that Christians think of when they say "You should be loving your to spouse."
Loving is a choice and an action: you make the decision to behave in a way that is loving toward someone, even though they may not deserve it. You make a choice to treat them in a way that would be in their best interest--you help them grow and become a better human being, and usually that is by you supporting and encouraging them when they try a new biblical concept and it's awkward or hard. In this instance, it is most definitely NOT in your wife's best interest to continue her affair and destroy not only her family, but the OM's family and all the extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.).
I will give you an example that is often easier for someone to see. Is it more loving to allow a loved one who's addicted to cocaine to just continue in their addiction and "just let them get away with it" and cover their tracks, even when they act badly, steal from you to support their habit, and lie about the legality of what they are doing? Or is it more loving to let your loved suffer some natural consequences for their choices? Lock up your money so they can not longer steal from you, force them to move out when they lie and act badly, and maybe have an intervention and take them to a facility? Which is more loving?
Guess what? The addict is not going to be happy with you if you try to intervene and help them get off their habit. At first, especially, they'll probably be
extremely mad and hate your guts!! But if you TRULY loved that person, you wouldn't let them wallow in the harm that will come to them due to the drug addiction. You would enforce the natural consequences of their choices to lie and steal, and let them feel the pinch of the hurt of what they choose. That's what love is--teaching and allowing the people we love to learn that THEY ARE PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CHOICES THEY MAKE.
Adultery is exactly that same concept! EXACTLY. If you truly love your wife, you would not allow her to wallow in the devastation she is going to bring to herself by continuing this affair. You would fight it and do everything you can to prevent it and let her be mad and hate you for a little while, because it will save her life!! So in a way I agree with your pastor--love your wife. Love her enough to stop paying for the cell phone on which she is continuing her adultery. She is a grown woman, and you are more than happy to provide a cell phone for the woman who loves and respects you, but if that is not what she chooses (and she is free to do so), then you do not have an obligation to contribute to adultery. Likewise for paying her adultery bills, the internet bills, providing her a car...anything related to the affair that you provide. The natural cost of not choosing to honor her vow to YOU, is that she also does not get the benefits of YOU (such as the things you provide for her).
Finally, I urge you to read my article about "
The Difference Between Exposure and Revenge." Now folks here can tell you, I'm not pointing you there to promote myself--I actually hang here and answer people such as yourself and have for a couple .. okay several!... years. But that article would be really good for you to start to understand why we are suggesting exposure, and that exposure is not "dragging her name through the mud." Her ADULTERY did that! Not you telling the truth!
I pray this helps, and if you have further questions I would encourage you to email my Dear Hubby at
affaircare@gmail.com.