Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

I'm at a loss on my next move....

61K views 253 replies 59 participants last post by  GROUNDPOUNDER 
#1 ·
So I found this site a couple years ago and it was instrumental in opening my eyes to why my wife of 4 years wanted "space".

I had given her the space while in the home with her and our two kids. It wasn't good enough so I opted to move out about 5 months ago. She has said she doesn't want to R at this point but hasn't filed for divorce either.

Over the last 2 years I've done everything in my power to show my commitment to her and the family, as a Christian man. The separation was not intended for us to date.

Long story short though I've had my suspicions obviously, I confirmed she is sleeping with another man. All the while she's been extremely easy to get along with and has actually been inviting me over for family dinners etc.

With this specific information what do I do? I really want my family together but know I don't deserve this behavior not to mention how do I trust again?

Sorry if I left info out didn't want to be too long winded.

Thanks in advance for your advice and support

Mvnfwd
 
See less See more
#2 ·
If you are happy to go to family dinners then go.

I would imagine though you are not. The best way you can get over her, and make her realise what she has given up, is to discuss only business i.e kids, and to expose her behaviour to all. Make sure everyone knows she has given up her family for her bit on the side.

Affairs are only affairs while they are secret. They lose their 'wonderful' glow once everyone knows the reality.
 
#5 ·
She's "checked out" my friend. For all intents and purposes, whether you like it or not, it's over. See a good lawyer and prepare yourself for the inevitable split-up. The sooner you deal with this, the sooner you'll be able to move on and find someone who deserves a good man like you. Lots of luck in the future. Let her deal with her own issues.
 
#20 ·
She's "checked out" my friend. For all intents and purposes, whether you like it or not, it's over.
:iagree:

You must have the patients of Job my man. You move out 5 months ago and you lovingly gave her space she wanted, Lord knows, how much time before that. Like I said before, when a woman wants space, they mean a minimum of a million miles. In the meantime, she's shifted you to the platonic mode and "took up" with the guy she really wants to be with.
Your next move Dawg is to realize you're out. Don't look at an invitation to family dinner as a spike in her romantic interest.
You may want your family together, and don't believe they deserve that treatment but it doesn't matter what you want. One of the largest groups of men in the world are those who want their family back together and think they didnt deserve what happened.
Time to take it off life support and put it to rest M.
 
#14 ·
What do you feel in your heart is Gods will for your life? I'm sure you're aware that the bible states divorce is ok if infidelity is involved. If you feel the Lord is wanting you to hang in there, then by all means keep trying, but don't mistake Gods will with your own.
Or your pastor's will.
 
#16 ·
2yrs is a long time friend!!!

If she wanted her family to stay intact and to be a wife and a mother she would be with you, not some POSOM for bed time and you over for dinner, she does not want to break the charade and wants to keep her options open for the right guy to get into her bed.

You're safe as far as she is concerned now,safe in the respect that for two years you have been hanging in there waiting for her, she thinks you're not going anywhere anytime soon.

The question is, are you going to stay in limbo?

If you want your wife back then I can tell you now, it ain't gonna happen, she has friend zoned you, you can't "win" her back, there is no way to nice her back to being your own faithful wife, sorry, but for her it is over.

Limbo is a s4!t place to be, you have some hard choices ahead, are you ready to deal with them?

Edited to add.

How and what sources have you used to gain your information?
 
#15 ·
Thound....my thoughts to hang in there are like I mentioned principal due to my faith....my will honestly would be to hand her papers tonight and let her live with the horrible choices she's made....sorry to be so torn but it's a nasty place to be especially looking at my 5 yr old daughter and 2 yr old son. I feel like should I put aside my pride and fight for principles?
 
#21 ·
If you're about to suggest exposing the OM to his W/GF as a means to break the fog, forget it, I can see it from here, their marriage is cooked like a casserole, just needs served up in front of the judge with some bread and butter.

If she drops OM now, there will be another in her bed within a month!!!

MVGB has been friend zoned and is hanging by a thread, she doesn't want him, but she doesn't want to let him go either!!!
 
#18 ·
Personally, I would move back in and invite her to leave. Sounds like you are paying for the house and another man is playing in your bed. Oh, I would burn the bed too.

Look up the free book online, NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY
 
#23 ·
OP I respect and understand your faith and your personal comittement to your marriage. It is honorable and admirable to me at least.

After considering the information you have shared and your religious conditioning I would encourage you to think about a future with her. Do you believe that after all this time you will be able to trust her again? Do you trust yourself with the ability to compartmentalize this period of time so it will not eat you up a you share the rest of your lives together. I am all for forgiveness but the other party involved has to show contrition and humility and seek your forgiveness. My impression is none of that has happened.

I think there is a better life out there with someone who will share the same vision with you. That would mean a relationship where God is the cornerstone of your home. You need to make a decision soon so your children can feel that unity and safety as they grow up and so they can see you as a strong example. You are walking a fine line presently and I do not believe it favors you.
 
#24 ·
You guys/(gals?) are good...I knew I'd get solid real world advice on it. It's almost like I've made excuses for her behavior and let this hope keep my head in the sand....When I really consider the last 2 years of this torture without her slightly turning her head back to me....it's pretty obvious she's not coming back.
 
#26 ·
First of all let me say that this is an awful situation to be in. She lied and duped you into moving out and moved the POSOM into your bed and she carried this on for two years! Very heinous and disrespectful to say nothing of the lying, cheating and adulterous/amoral behaviour. Your wife appears to be a real villain who has no regard for you whatsoever.

Secondly, your son is 2 yo - get a DNA test done immediately - in fact you do not really know your wife so test both your children.

Thirdly, your pastor is full of cr@p and would be well advised to refrain from giving advice of this nature - he is destroying lives by his advice and appears to have no real experience in these matters.

Now all this is without the benefit of knowing what the situation is (you have been very light on the background and details).

What is the background and situation that led to you coming here? How did you discover the info? You are going to have to confront and expose and then deliver a payload of consequences - for your own good as well as the good of your children (if they are in fact, yours). Also for the good of the wife of the POSOM if he has a wife.

You will need to get your act together quickly, formulate a plan based on the advice you get here and your situation and then act decisively and unwaveringly. Once you have done this you will be in a position to decide what next.
 
#32 · (Edited)
MVN I admire your faith and patience.

Your WW is unrepentant, and your self-sacrifice is not working nor it is appreciated. Besides, what a terrible moral example she sets for your children.

That parable about "casting your pearl among the swine", what does it mean?

You know yourself and your life better than your pastor, right. The woman you married is gone, she is not coming back. The woman you see now is what is left of her.

Take the strength being offered and act in favor of yourself, your kids and your WW. You are getting in the way of her contrition because you make it easy for her to continue in her waywardness.
 
#34 ·
So...what is your next move? You've had two years of prevaricating. Hope you don't wait another two years while you think about it. At some point you have to place pragmatism over religious belief.

Your pastor is an ignoramus. Stop attending his church. God knows what other false doctrines he's spewing.

I get so sick of it when I see good people get led around by the nose by religious morons.



Posted via Mobile Device
 
#36 ·
I'm not a very religious man but I do believe in God, but I don't believe that God put you on this earth to be made a fool out of.

He gave you a brain, heart, and the ability to think and reason. With all of that you see what is going on in your life, you have to ask yourself if you deserve better.

It's real easy to sit you down and say "mvnfwd" you must suck it up, be the good husband and forgive her when she kicks you in the gut and disrespects you.

No one is going to fault you if you end this marriage. It's not a marriage when one stays true to the vows they took and the other disregards them like a used Kleenex.

If your pastor is so hellbent on you staying with her then tell him that he is more than welcome to have her for his very own.
 
#37 ·
mvnfwd,

I'm writing to you today as a Christian marriage coach. I've spent years--decades--specifically helping people reconcile after an affair or recover if reconciliation is not going to happen, and I specifically use a Christian method. And I'm here to tell you that the teaching in the bible is clear: if there is sexual immorality involved then you are well within your rights to choose to morally walk away, and YOU did not end the marriage by walking away, but rather her sexual immorality was the covenant breaker.

Now I know that 99.99% of pastors out there will talk to couples about "forgiveness" and "loving their spouse," and those things are not necessarily false. But what's happening I think, is that they are applying the wrong thing at the wrong time. So let's go over those two ideas: "forgiving" and "loving."

Forgiving your spouse does not mean that your spouse necessarily repents, nor that you condone what they are doing and let them escape the consequence of what they've done. God forgave King David for committing adultery with Uriah's wife, but that didn't meant that David didn't suffer the cost of his adultery: namely she lost the baby, and all the rest of his sons and his family were ungodly. David repented. God forgave. But the natural cost of adultery was the strife and pain brought into David's family.

It's the same for us. Your wife may or may not be repentant of her adultery, but that doesn't mean you "forgive" her by letting her "off the hook." Forgiving her just means that you put give up all claim on account of the debt or obligation she owes you. You let go and move on. For some reason, some Christians have this notion in their heads that forgiveness means "letting them get away with what they've done" and in real life that is just not the case! We all 100% owe the debt for the sin we've done, but when God forgives us, He doesn't immediately make us into sinless angels--He releases the debt we owe Him.

So start thinking in a biblical way about forgiveness. She is a human being, just like you or I. She may or may not be repentant, but either way, she made promises to you when you two married, and because of the damage she has done to you and to the family, she owes ENORMOUS debts right now. Forgiving her would be releasing her from that debt while not releasing her from the natural consequences of her choices.

And that leads directly into the next topic: Loving.

Loving does not mean a fluttery feeling when you see or think of someone. Loving is not always being nice no matter what they do. Loving is not allowing people to walk all over you and behave badly. These are all common misconceptions that Christians think of when they say "You should be loving your to spouse."

Loving is a choice and an action: you make the decision to behave in a way that is loving toward someone, even though they may not deserve it. You make a choice to treat them in a way that would be in their best interest--you help them grow and become a better human being, and usually that is by you supporting and encouraging them when they try a new biblical concept and it's awkward or hard. In this instance, it is most definitely NOT in your wife's best interest to continue her affair and destroy not only her family, but the OM's family and all the extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.).

I will give you an example that is often easier for someone to see. Is it more loving to allow a loved one who's addicted to cocaine to just continue in their addiction and "just let them get away with it" and cover their tracks, even when they act badly, steal from you to support their habit, and lie about the legality of what they are doing? Or is it more loving to let your loved suffer some natural consequences for their choices? Lock up your money so they can not longer steal from you, force them to move out when they lie and act badly, and maybe have an intervention and take them to a facility? Which is more loving?

Guess what? The addict is not going to be happy with you if you try to intervene and help them get off their habit. At first, especially, they'll probably be extremely mad and hate your guts!! But if you TRULY loved that person, you wouldn't let them wallow in the harm that will come to them due to the drug addiction. You would enforce the natural consequences of their choices to lie and steal, and let them feel the pinch of the hurt of what they choose. That's what love is--teaching and allowing the people we love to learn that THEY ARE PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CHOICES THEY MAKE.

Adultery is exactly that same concept! EXACTLY. If you truly love your wife, you would not allow her to wallow in the devastation she is going to bring to herself by continuing this affair. You would fight it and do everything you can to prevent it and let her be mad and hate you for a little while, because it will save her life!! So in a way I agree with your pastor--love your wife. Love her enough to stop paying for the cell phone on which she is continuing her adultery. She is a grown woman, and you are more than happy to provide a cell phone for the woman who loves and respects you, but if that is not what she chooses (and she is free to do so), then you do not have an obligation to contribute to adultery. Likewise for paying her adultery bills, the internet bills, providing her a car...anything related to the affair that you provide. The natural cost of not choosing to honor her vow to YOU, is that she also does not get the benefits of YOU (such as the things you provide for her).

Finally, I urge you to read my article about "The Difference Between Exposure and Revenge." Now folks here can tell you, I'm not pointing you there to promote myself--I actually hang here and answer people such as yourself and have for a couple .. okay several!... years. But that article would be really good for you to start to understand why we are suggesting exposure, and that exposure is not "dragging her name through the mud." Her ADULTERY did that! Not you telling the truth!

I pray this helps, and if you have further questions I would encourage you to email my Dear Hubby at affaircare@gmail.com.
 
#43 ·
You are amazing mvnfwd and never forget that.

You put up with all that for 2 long years at the expense of your well-being, dignity and pride for the sake of your two little ones and your Christian faith. It doesn't get more selfless than that.

But, you gave her every chance and you can do no more. IMO, she checked out long ago.

You must D for your wellbeing and health. Stress weakens us physically as well as psychologically. Your children need their Dad to be strong. And they are lucky to have such a fine Dad.

So mnvfwd, go well and think fwd!
 
#44 ·
She wont file for divorce as she is perfectly happy in her world keeping you hanging around. You have tolerated her every action without consequence. Don’t take it the wrong way but you seem more in the fog than she. You have endured this so long, its now become the normal in your life.

Your family isn’t intact, it hasn’t been for a long time. A farce of a marriage isn’t a marriage and living a lie or the occasional family dinner isn’t a marriage. She has made her intentions clear, she wants to live a different life than you. No matter your beliefs at some point she will file for divorce eventually and nothing you can do will stop it from happening.

Do you really want to raise your children in this sort of environment? You have endured and punished yourself enough in my opinion. From what I read, you have spent almost half your married life in this situation, you do deserve better.
 
#45 ·
Forgiving her would be releasing her from that debt while not releasing her from the natural consequences of her choices
.

BINGO!!!
That to me is Christian wisdom!




Mvnfrd
You have been an enabler for two years!

Your wife is not going to “snap out of it” without consequences and even then she may not. You need to follow your Christian principles as the spiritual leader of your family and hold her accountable and take whatever action that you can.

In the OT the father Eli did not take appropriate action against his son that were mistreating the sacrifices of the temple and having sex with the sanctuary serving women. God finally stepped in and killed both sons. (Ref 1st Samuel Chapter 2)


In the NT the married couple of Ananias and Sapphira did not take any action to stop themselves from sinning and God killed them also (Ref: Acts Chapter 5)



I am not saying that God is going to kill you wife I am pointing out that the Bible does not just say what your pastor said in that you should just “…stay the course and love your wife”.


What Bible does your pastor read?
Does that Bible have 1st Samuel and Acts in it?
 
#46 ·
I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks a Christian man can be a strong man that holds himself and others accountable for their actions. There must be consequences. So far she's living the dream and I'm allowing it. I think I'm bound by what's right to as many of you say expose the affair. Is there a best time to open it up or is asap best?
 
#48 ·
A few quick questions before we can advise you wisely on "when to expose":

Do you have evidence gathered? Are you prepared?

Before you expose the affair, it is wise to have sufficient evidence gathered so that you can solidly prove it's not just you being jealous or controlling. So for example, if you have copies of emails she sent to the OM, photos of them kissing, receipts from a hotel she paid for that says "Mr. and Mrs.", a recording of her saying she loves him and disparaging you...this is going to be the type of compelling evidence that will generally convince others.

Now bear in mind, we are not asking you TO CONVINCE THEM. Some (like perhaps her family) will not want to believe the worst of their girl, and if all you had to present was "He said...She said" I guarantee you she would be able to explain it away by blaming you somehow! (You are jealous and made this all up in your head and pooooooor her she has to put up with being with you!) But if you tell people the truth and follow it up with some compelling but not horrid evidence, then if nothing else they may not want to believe it but they'll know it's not just you making it up.

So #1, gather your evidence together and get it in order.

Then #2 is to get prepared for the exposure. It's usually a wise idea to have a few ducks in a row before you expose, because I guarantee you, she is going to be mad. Just keep envisioning a person addicted to cocaine. They would get mad too because you are trying to cut off their habit! They will fight tooth and nail, kick and scream, say the meanest, most hateful things...to get back to their habit. But you keep firmly in your mind that you are trying to do the best thing for her but TELLING THE TRUTH to those who would be affected.

You will want to tell people whose lives will be harmed by a divorce: parents, siblings, aunts-uncles-cousins...because they will be losing half their time with the kids if this affair continues. You will want to tell pro-marriage friends--anyone she looks up to and considers a mentor who will tell her to knock it off and go back to her family. You will probably want to tell those you consider spiritual leaders who will help you do the right thing and hold her accountable (but remember it's not your job to "make her pay"--it IS your job to allow her to feel the natural discomfort of the consequences of her choices). You MAY want to tell your boss if you think it is affecting your work performance and you have that kind of relationship with your boss. You MAY want to tell her boss if the affair is work related--not for gossip, but rather because if company time and assets are being used for unwanted sexual contact (YOU don't want it so it is unwanted) between a boss and subordinate or employee and client, their company is in danger of a sexual harassment lawsuit!

Also you'll probably want to have your own bank account and have your checks being deposited to your bank account before you expose. You'll want to have at least a copy of evidence that's secured in a vault at work, in a lockbox in the bank or something (because I guarantee you she will try to delete it). And finally you'll probably want to arrange to have the kids at a sitter or at least "looked after" the evening of the day you expose, so that you can deal with her and whatever she may do, rather than have your children hear your wife scream obscenities at you.

Otherwise, after you've gathered evidence, secured a copy, and gotten prepared, I say go ASAP. It's like pulling off a bandaid. Yank it and it's less painful.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top