dantanph

I met my husband five years ago through a mutual friend. After two years of dating, we tied the knot in the Catholic church. Had a son who is now 27 months.

Before we even celebrated our first year wedding anniversary and on my sixth month of pregnancy, I decided to go back to my home country. This decision of course was in consultation with my husband. The primary reason I went is that my mother will be there to help me when I give birth and the second reason is a good job opportunity that rarely comes. So, in 2008, I went and had an early labor three weeks before the expected date. Hence, my husband missed the birth of our son by two days as he was not scheduled to fly in yet at that time.

Our initial agreement was that after the first birthday of our son, we will move back to the US. When that time came, recession was hitting the US pretty bad and the job prospects are not good. So, I asked my husband if I can stay for one more year. He agreed as he knows that his income alone cannot support the family in the US. As you can probably tell, I earn more than him. For the past 27 months, my husband did not provide any child support to our son. On my income alone, I am maintaining the whole household. Please note that I am fine with this and I never made the child support an issue because I know how much he only gets.

So, another year has passed. But instead of going back, I extended my contract for another 6 months. Again, this is in consultation with my husband. Every time it happens, he would agree and would not say anything. So, I thought everything is okay. Until July 2010 on his last visit to us to celebrate our son's 2nd birthday. On his way to the US (with ticket I bought for him), he made a stop over in one of the Asian cities and there he met a 21-year old student who attends the same university I attended for my graduate degree. The day he left me from where I am stationed, he also started a relationship with this student. They hit it off instantly and from that time forward my husband stopped emailing me, calling me, or texting me. He said because of his military training, he cannot call or text or email me. I was fine with that.

Until 17 September when a voice inside my head was telling me to check my husband's email. I did check. And I got the shocked of my life. He has been in close communication with this 21-year old girl for the past three months and they are talking about getting married and my husband even told her that he sees her as his wife and the mother of his kids and that they should not care what people say. Of course there are lusty part of the emails about things they did together, which I would not go into details. They are exchanging "I love you's."

I was in an emotional roller coaster ride since 17 September 2010. At first, I want to save the marriage. Then I want to end it. Until on 21 September through God's guidance, I decided to go to the US to talk to my husband to salvage our marriage. No matter how expensive the airfare was and how far I have to travel, I went. To give you an idea, I traveled a total of 30,000 miles to literally beg my husband on bended knees to take me back and my son and give our family a chance. The entire week I was there begging and making up for my shortcomings, my husband was not able to make a decision. He said he does not want to get hurt and he cannot decide on whether to choose me+my son or the the student. My spirit was crushed. But I agreed to give him a week to give me a decision.

When I arrived on where I am currently based in Asia, just an hour when I got back, another voice was telling me to check my husband's bank account. So, I did, Again, I got the shock of my life. While I was in the US begging for my husband to take me back and my son he has been sending the student flowers and gifts. Immediately, at that point, I have realized that our marriage is over. So, I called him and told him it is over. Of course, he was furious and got back to me with an email saying that:

"I was trying not to hurt anybody more than the other. I sent her flowers with a card saying, thank for being my friend and I hope we can still be friends in the future. I was going to choose you. But your over reaction to everything is what pissed me off. You don't have to call so many times or voice messages text email what ever it may be. Your OCD gets the better of you. Your trip here was changing my mind, but you changed everything. I think you know what my decision is now for sure. I don't care at this point if I go home to nobody. Just to have some peace and relaxation when I get home is what I need. I alienated someone else in my life to make you happy and now I will go home to no one. Don't respond with the thought of trying to change my mind. I've made a decision and I am sticking with it. Nobody wins. At this point I just want to make things right for our son."

I did not buy it. If he is going to choose me, shouldn't I be the one receiving flowers? I know it is silly, it is just flowers. But for me, his actions speak volumes.

So, right now, I am in a cross road and I would like to request each and everyone of you to please pray for me for more strength to overcome this trials and more love to share to my son. Please especially pray for my son that I will be able to raise him with so much love that he would not feel he is missing a father.

I WOULD LIKE TO DRAW INSIGHTS FROM BOTH MEN AND WOMEN:

FROM MEN: What do you think of my husband's actions? Can you really love someone in three months time of texting, emails, and phone calls? Can you really say you want to build a family with her? Can you just easily forget about your wife and son just like that? What about the flowers? Is it really justified? By the way, my husband never said sorry for being unfaithful. When I asked him why, he said, he felt what he did was justified because he thought I was never coming back. The entire three months he stopped communicating with me, I have made up my mind to go back to the US on January 2011 but was not able to tell him because he said he cannot be contacted because of military restrictions. Do you think my actions justified what he did? I feel it is all my fault.

FOR WOMEN: Would you have done the same thing I did? Would you react the same way I did about the flowers?

BOTH: I am confused whether I am making the right decision about ending our marriage. Everybody around me thinks this is the best for me and my son. But deep inside me I am unsure. I still very much love my husband despite the infidelity. I love him. For those of you who have gone through this phase, when will the love stop. I am having difficulty of letting go because I am afraid of losing him and I really do love him. I have never loved any other man in my life the way I have loved him.

Thank you very much in anticipation to your reply and apologies for the long post.

AFEH

Which Asian city was it? If it was Bangkok he’s probably been charmed by a prostitute. Saw a lot of that with singles guys in the 70s while working in Oman. The silly perishers would send them 1,000 dollars to “get a passport”. Money was never seen again nor was the woman. But it can happen in KL and other Asian cities. Normally the “good girls” are very conservative and ain’t that easy.

What do you love about your husband? Why on earth would you want a man like that back? He can’t even support his wife and child.

Bob

Blue Moon

Glad you didn't fall for his BS e-mail. If he really wanted to be with you, it'd take a lot more than you checking the bank account and accusing him for him to "make his decision". My guess is that he had a wild, sex-filled fling, which has taken over his heart so now he thinks he's head over heels with the woman.

These flings typically don't last, but they're very common. As tough and indepent as men act, great sex can have a guy eating out of a woman's hands if he doesn't have his head on straight.

Look out for your son first and foremost, and don't take the guy back when he inevitably comes crawling back.
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swedish

I believe your situation is a unique one. I don't think it sounds as if he is providing no support, but rather he is taking care of all the living expenses in the US and you are caring for your child's expenses (and staying with family?) That sounds like a reasonable set-up considering you both decided this was a temporary situation.

Living apart for an extended amount of time can put a huge strain on a marriage, especially when the end date keeps getting extended. He was probably unsure of when it would really come to an end and giving up hope of living together as a family unit.

Stepping outside of the marriage is never the answer, but it does happen. I agree that he should be showing remorse for his actions, but many times when caught in the midst of an affair, there are still feelings for the other person and they don't go away immediately. If he really did plan to work on your marriage and end things with her, the flowers may have been his way of saying good-bye to her...I would be curious to see the note he put with the flowers...if he ordered online, it should be on his order.

In the end, you both have to decide how to go forward as it will likely mean some major changes so that you are all back under 1 roof.

__________________
~Swedish

No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
Albert Einstein

dantanph

Thank you all!

Talked to him today and here are the things we talked about:

ME: Do you still love me
HIM: I do but not the way I used to. We shared something special and we have a son.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

ME: Did it ever cross your mind that we can get back together?
HIM: I don't know.

AGAIN, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

ME: Between 0 -100%, what is the chance that we get back together?
HIM: 50%

ME: Please be honest with me, are you still in touch with your "gf"
HIM: Yes, we still talk to and text each other.

dantanph

Singapore. I am the one in Singapore and he was left in the US.

What do I love about my husband? He is my first in everything and I have never been with another man and not sure how it is to be with another man. Maybe, also I am afraid I would not find another man as handsome as him at least on my eyes. His not having enough finances was never an issue to me. The only thing is that my line of work allows me earn more outside of the US.

I am sad that my marriage has ended. I never thought this would happen to me at my tender age of 30.

Thank you for your support.

anonymus

Staying apart for extended times when married is usually a recipe for disaster. After all u married to be together. By you continuing to stay away from him might have sent signals that you are not very commited to the relationship.
You may want to stick it out but it's not easy. At the moment you might be the one who has to work hard to rebuild ur relationship...and he may not even apologise for the hurt he caused u. Everything u will do at the moment will be scritinised and mostly whatever u do will be 'wrong' in his eyes.
That moment will pass but for progress to happen the affair has to end first coz nomatter what u do if it is still on (the A) he will always see u with a clouded vision.

dantanph

Thanks, Anonymus!

That was exactly my point to the father of my son. I told him that if he wants to work things out between the two of us, he has to stop any form of communication with his 21 year old gf. But he did not.

For instance, when I told him that if ever they get married, I don't want her to be around my son. I just don't like her because I feel she does not have any family values. She knows that he is married when they met and he has a son. How could you break a little boy's heart by stealing his father from his mother.

Then, my husband exploded and shouted at me telling me that I am the one with no family values because I left. But I left for good reasons. If he can only support the family, I would have not left. But he can't.

Now, that things are not good between the two of us. I demanded that he give our son child support. He said he is not even sure if he can provide now given his finances. What am I to do. But then he has money to buy his gf gifts.

I am so sorry. IT JUST HURTS!

Tanelornpete

First, a question: Where does this other woman live? Is she physically near him?


Second, an observation (pointed out by Anon above): long distance marriages are the recipe for disaster. The almost never work. This includes even simple separation like working long hours at the office. In nearly every case, over time, especially if the time together keeps being put off - if the separation is extended, and extended, etc., the trouble grows incrementally. The outcome is almost always an affair. It doesn't matter if there was some sort of 'agreement' or not. Some agreements look good on paper, but become more difficult over time, ESPECIALLY if a spouse's basic emotional needs involve physical interaction (sex, touching, personal interaction.) After a while, the love that has been felt erodes until the marriage vows start to 'feel' meaningless.

My take on this is that you reassess what mans more to you: money or your marriage.

dantanph

Hi T! Thanks!

They are on the same city on the same state. They have been physically together for 1 straight week until the father of my son went on for a 6 month military training on another state. Their entire relationship has been long distance for the past 4 months with only texting (sexting), emails (lusty ones), and phone calls that sustained it.

My family is worth more to me than anything else.

As I said, last week I told the father of my son that I am willing to give it a try before we finally file for divorce.

All he said is that he feels it would not work anymore. He feels differently about me now and he doesn't feel that I will trust him again.

I just don't think he used his head when he entered into this. For what I know, the priorities of 21-year old students are very different from those who have already experienced life with joy, pains, and heartaches. I mean the level of maturity is very different.

All people I talked to, men or women, married or not, told me that their relationship will not last. I pity the father of my son as he might get hurt in the process. When he is already 35, the other girl will be 25/26 --- at least for me this was the only time I thought of marriage and finding the guy who I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. But, whatever happens to them would be none of my business now.

I just hope he will have the money to give for child support. His monthly net is 2800. Current calculation for child support is 1000. He has not given me any single cent yet. Then, he has to give me around another 1000 to settle our joint credit card bills. Can someone live with 800 for rent, food, phone, utilities, gas, car, GF, credit card?

Thanks again everyone! I appreciate your insights!