Hey Steve, hope the morning sun finds you refreshed and invigorated! Go watch the clouds and listen to whatever you can hear. And do it every day.
RESPONSE: I Usually wake up at about 6 AM on Saturday and contemplate what when wrong and get overwhelmed by my lonely weekend.
Then head to the GYM. Today I decided to sleep in a little and head out around 9-9:30.
I'm not sure what R is like because I left my ex on D-Day and on our one marriage counseling appointment turned out to be a simple ploy to file more false police reports against me. One day she was telling me she loved me three days later she was trying to stick me in jail and destroy my life. She nearly succeeded.
Hope things don't go that way for you.
RESPONSE: No false police reports but her and her POS have made our marital fights into abusive one sided arguments. At the attorneys yesterday I threatened that if she brings up Abuse I will drop the Colloborative Process and force litigation.r
It's hard for me to tell you what to do because my experience is mine and nobody else is going to go through these exact same things.
RESPONSE: I thank you for this, but I have a lot of guilt combined with fear.
I am 50 and worry that it's harder to start all over at this age. I also get all bent out of shape that she has a relationship and is don't. I am the one waking up lonely in our marital bed. I also question how I handled the last and final Dday. She was on the fence and I threw her into his arms and it went from EA to PA.
Stay calm, all the time. If you're worried about her filing nonsense police reports buy a digital recorder and start recording everything. Hell I record everything all the time. I record her, I record my health insurance company, I record random phone calls anytime I start to worry, I record my boss.... But in my state I can record anything I want because I know I'm recording it. Check with your lawyer to see what you can and cannot do. And once-upon-a-time someone told me that recording things can be personally useful, because when she lies to you you can go back and listen to the truth. That objective reality that really does exist, ephemerally. It does exist.
That little thing has been a godsend.
If you have joint assets get your lawyer to freeze them. I did and oohhhhh my god did it piss her off. Though it was sorta an accident. Our financial adviser called me a few days after D-Day, before the temporary protective order, one of the last times I was actually in my house, and asked me where to send the check. She was trying to cash out our entire retirement. And nearly succeeded. After I told him that we were divorcing everything froze and she no longer had access to any money at all. Hence her first lawyer, a free lawyer who represented battered women. Really? I've never hurt you or touched you that way in ten years. Never. But that's just a drop in the overflowing bucket and not worth worrying about. She can think or believe whatever she wants because reality exists.
RESPONSE: In a collaborative divorce everything is status quo. Joint accounts, insurance, we can't touch anything until final D is signed.
She's the one that asked for the D, now she's the one that wants to drag it out. Originally she was going to come home last week and do some mediation, but then POSOM pushed her to start the process. Works for me because I was able to put in writing yesterday that the fact that PoS may stay in hotel a few more weeks and she wanted to split bill, that I will not allow marital assets to pay for this. I also mentioned that she was thinking of leaving the country again plus going to another state for the holidays. Both lawyers agreed I do not have to allow her (and I won't) to use this our cash for this.
People make their own decisions though. I mean she is going to make her own decisions and nothing you do, say, feel, or rage is going to change that. And you're going to have to hurt through it all and somehow learn to accept it. I'm still working on that. The worst is trying to learn to accept that you will never understand and can never understand. The best is realizing that you can't understand that. You are the kind of person who can't understand that. And that is wonderful.
My D has gone insanely successfully for me. But I'm, apparently, in a male-friendly state. In my state I can file at-fault, and I did. Didn't matter for custody but she bent instead of having to have to listen to the truth. With her mother there. Apparently they all think I'm delusional. They truly do. Even after I sent all the in-laws concrete proof of everything, several times. I guess it's just easier to think I'm delusional then to recognize what their daughter, niece, grand-daughter, etc.... really is.
RESPONSE:
In NYS adultery is a grounds for divorce..in my county the Judges award custody to the spouse living at home. My sons are21 and almost 16. Over 16 picks the parent as long as the courts determine the parent is reliable.
It doesn't matter though. I know and after I accepted that and realized that I deserve better it was so easy to just move on. And it wasn't. I still have nightmares. But I wake up, I walk around outside and watch the tree branches shake. I think of my son giving me kisses and hugging me after telling me his diaper is dirty. Then I go back to sleep and I'm happy. Go figure that I'm actually happier now then I was before. I never would have thought.
RESPONSE: I keep thinking of what she's up to not physically just her daily activities. I do miss her like heck.
Just stop talking to her. Really. Stop talking to her. If she starts talking to you turn around and walk away. Nothing she says matters anymore. Only you are giving her that power. Take it away and you'll have the power. And women respect power. Maybe not all women but in my limited experience that is the truth. Outside of work it's a struggle. Wearing the uniform and I've got chicks stealing my phone number and texting me at 3am.
Take the power back. Stop talking to her and NEVER give her the reason. File for divorce and don't talk to her about it. It's terribly hard, easier for me since at that time in my life I would have been arrested for talking to her, but god did I want to talk to her. Now I wish I never had to talk to her but we have a son.
RESPONSE: We mostly talk about our son and finances. Funny she had said POS was deeper and more emotional then me. However, now she says that no matter what happens she wants to be my friend because she misses our conversations and how we connect...WTF.
This entire affair is an escape and a MLC.
She even winked at me and said basically that he sucks in the sac..
Find some things you enjoy and start doing them. Have you ever wanted to paint? I painted my Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls a few weeks ago in oils and I hung it in my new room. It's not very good but I'm quite happy with it. Get in shape. Girls like it and you'll feel SOOO much better about yourself. Maybe you can reconnect with some old friends? I went to a fire-pit party after work today and had a few brews. Caught up with some old friends. Had some haggardly woman hit on me for thirty minutes before my friend came and rescued me.
RESPONSE: I used to build plastic models. I need to reset up my shop and maybe get back into this.
I guess a lot of guys use their new-found energy to start working out. Everyone should so if you don't then start. Even if you can't find a friend to become your new gym rat then just go to the gym and start asking people for advice on how to use the machines. Then ask them to spot you. And start chatting. You'll meet new people and you'll find a spotting partner. Maybe you'll find someone to push you hard and you'll start enjoying your time with yourself.
RESPONSE : I am a gym rat, have a Golds membership and a home gym. I am I am in great shape, so not an issue.
Problem for me is she and I worked out together for over 20 years. Everyone at our gym look at me like where's the wife? Some of our closest friends there no the story and are heartbroken. Many of them are shocked because a lot of her conversations with them where in judgement of people that were having affairs!
She joined a PF near where she works but said she wants to start training with me again. The PF does not have everything she is used to...she used to compete in Female Figure and Fitness events. Was hoping to do a Masters level next summer and retire from shows. I was supposed to train her, her POS is and looks like Shrek.
As far as filing it took my lawyer four days after I told him to finally file (he was telling me to file forever). Hey everyone was telling me to file. I was just dense for awhile. It's sooo hard to move past giving someone the majority of your life and then finding out that they betrayed all of that. For a little tingle and a temporary fix. But you can't control that. You can't control any of that. You can control yourself though so be strong, be proud, stop talking to her EVER, and start focusing on yourself and your kids. Focus on the things that will matter in twenty years because she won't.
You deserve to be loved the way you love. One day you'll look back with that bewildered bemusement and you'll be happy. It's just that one day is a long ways off. THATS WHAT I AM AFRAID OF.
Stick around, there is a lot of help here. Don't get frustrated if some people are less helpful than others. Everyone is trying, in their own way, to help.