Could someone explain this "fog" - Page 11
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Could someone explain this "fog"

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree32Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 11-18-2010, 10:52 AM   #151 (permalink)
Member
 
Affaircare's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 2,766
Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

Quote:
I take it that you guys don't seem to like this idea of being together as a family in any context? Wife read these suggestions from info obtained at the parenting class we both have to attend. Obviously I haven't gone but I watched as she read along from this info. Are you saying it's not a good idea or that it won't turn out the way it's designed. The messages seem somewhat confusing. Please clarify...
My guess is that your wife thinks that you two can divorce and yet you will continue to be available to her for meeting some needs (like mowing her lawn "for your daughter") and continue to still have Christmas and Easter together "for your daughter." It's like a form of fence-sitting: not wanting to commit to staying and working but not wanting to entirely cut all ties either.

The concept as a theory is nice, but isn't honestly very practical or realistic for the reasons that Dear Hubby gave. In real life, if you two divorce, you or your ex are no longer a "family unit"--so you may move to another state, you may meet and marry another lady, she may meet and marry another man...and chances are that 2nd wife will not much appreciate you having Christmas with the ex "for your daughter"--especially if you have children with 2nd wife! Furthermore, if you two divorce, it's not really very healthy for either one of you to "hang onto each other" that way and just continue carrying on. Divorce *means* that you two are apart. So "working together civilly, coordinating visitation schedules in a business-like manner" is realistic, but "spending time together as a family, having dinners and holidays together" probably just is not.

Does that make more sense? It's not so much that we're "against" it, but rather that even in a relatively friendly divorce, once you divorce both parties gradually move apart and carry on with separate lives. Thinking/expecting to continue behaving "as if" you're a family would be confusing.

Quote:
I also found out today through an attorney that I don't have to do anything until I'm forced to do something. I didn't know so it makes me feel better knowing I don't want to do anything.
Naturally be sure to confirm this with your attorney, but it is my understanding that once divorce papers are actually filed and you are served, that there is a deadline to reply. To be precise, most states require that from the date you are served, you have 30 days to respond. If you do NOT respond, then the divorce will go 100% as she put in the filing. If you DO respond within that timeframe, you can ask for what you want, ask for a delay, ask for a court order for counseling, etc. So if you do not want the divorce, and she files and has you served, you can not ignore it "because you don't want to divorce." You would be "forced" to reply within 30 days. Does that make sense?
__________________
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this! * Weightlifter's Evidence Gathering Post for Newbies
Affaircare is online now   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 11-19-2010, 08:23 AM   #152 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 954
Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

While I still find it hard to believe, I'm really starting to think there is little to no chance of reconciliation. She seems to sure about it as i found out she has signed up for yet another dating site. This one is an interracial dating site. She says I just need to accept the fact that she's done and move on.I want to believe that I should still fight to the end, but what good will come of it. My fighting, regardless of whether its simply working on me or trying to prolong the divorce process seems to bring more hurt to me than anything else. She got bothered yesterday by being confronted by our family friend about her infidelity and angrily yelled at her and me that it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. She said she's a grown woman and can do what ever she feels like doing. She said she'd lied to me about everything because she didn't want me to hurt. That, to me, seems a little odd. Just 3 months ago, we started planning for our second child. Part of me feels that she has simply checked out, wants to take control of her life andmove on. Part of me feels it is this "fog" and that she'll come out at some point. I've already began to make my changes and will continue to do so. I want this hurt to go away. I want my family back. I want to show her I can and will change. Unfortunately, these changes may have come to late to save our marriage. She just doesn't seem to have much of a conscience about her infidelity, about dating while she's still married or anything else. She says she doesn't want another relationship but her new profile says she's looking for "long term". I may just need to concede to the fact that she's gone and move on but that's easier said than done....
Posted via Mobile Device

Last edited by marksaysay; 11-19-2010 at 08:27 AM.
marksaysay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2010, 12:03 PM   #153 (permalink)
Member
 
Tanelornpete's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 996
Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

Quote:
She got bothered yesterday by being confronted by our family friend about her infidelity and angrily yelled at her and me that it doesn't matter what anyone thinks.
If it didn't matter, she would not have yelled at you. I t matters, just not enough make her want to change. That happens a lot, exposing the affair is one step in a long process. Sometimes it is the last thing you need, at other times it is not. But anger is an expected reaction, regardless. Absolute unconcern would be a more troubling (and less normal) reaction.

Quote:
I want to believe that I should still fight to the end, but what good will come of it. My fighting, regardless of whether its simply working on me or trying to prolong the divorce process seems to bring more hurt to me than anything else.
Here's the issue: fighting to the end means doing the right thing until either the marriage ends, or the marriage recovers. It does not mean 'do what is right only until you are convinced that the marriage will end'! What does that infer? That once you are convinced that the marriage will end, that you can go back to all the things that caused problems in the relationship before?

Quote:
She said she's a grown woman and can do what ever she feels like doing.
The mark of an adult is taking the responsibility to do things that you NEED to do - regardless of 'how you feel' or what you want to do. That is called 'maturity'. Even more striking about her statement is what it reveals about her spiritual condition, n'est pas?

Quote:
Part of me feels that she has simply checked out, wants to take control of her life andmove on. Part of me feels it is this "fog" and that she'll come out at some point.
The two possibilities are not mutually exclusive: a person in the fog is absolutely certain that they MUST check out, because of how awful things were in the past.

Quote:
She just doesn't seem to have much of a conscience about her infidelity, about dating while she's still married or anything else. She says she doesn't want another relationship but her new profile says she's looking for "long term". I may just need to concede to the fact that she's gone and move on but that's easier said than done....
Take a screen print of the profile and show it to your pastor/church council. This should encourage them to take the steps they should already be doing.

Last edited by Tanelornpete; 11-19-2010 at 02:11 PM.
Tanelornpete is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2010, 02:53 PM   #154 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 954
Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

I found it odd for her to say that she didn't care but yet she was so mad about it. The funny thing about it was she called after she got the call. She expressed her anger towards me again later on in another phone call. But it doesn't bother her, right? I didn't think that wa the case at all. Concerning my willingness to fight, I really wasn't meaning that I would stop doing what I know to be right. I was really saying should I continue to fight for her and my family thinking that it wouldn't make a difference. My FIL's wife, one of my sounding boards who is also appalled by my wife's actions, says there is nothing wrong with you fighting especially since its for my wife and family. She also feels as I do about being rewarded in one way or another for my willingness to fight, for my persistence, and just for not giving up.

Her reason for doing wrong and the fact that she tries to hide and cover up her actions tells me that she is not acting or thinking very rationally or clearly at all, but I already knew that. To me, it's much like the behavior of a child. She even shot me a finger the other day. I hadn't done or seen it done in forever so I just kinda laughed. What made me think it was actually over was her starting yet another profile she doesn't know I know about. If all of what she said were true, that she wasn't looking for someone, that she just wanted to be by herself, and all the other stuff, then why not one but two dating sites. Someone, in my opinion, who simply wanted out of a bad relationship and was thinking rationally, would not be doing what she's doing. She even went as far last night as saying that in 7 years, the only thing I've done for our daughter is buy 2 pair of shoes and that is simply not possible.
Posted via Mobile Device

Last edited by marksaysay; 11-19-2010 at 03:48 PM.
marksaysay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-19-2010, 03:05 PM   #155 (permalink)
Member
 
Tanelornpete's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 996
Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

Quote:
ght, I really wasn't meaning that I would stop doing what I know to be right. I was really saying should I continue to fight for her and my family thinking that it wouldn't make a difference. My FIL's wife, one of my sounding boards who is also appalled by my wife's actions, says there is nothing wrong with you fighting especially since its for my wife and family. She also feels as I do about being rewarded in one way or another for my willingness to fight, for my persistence, and just for not giving up.
Yes! Great lady! There's no reason not to fight to the very end - read JAR's thread! Regardless of what happens, you'll walk out of it knowing you did all you could, and it was she, not you, that brought about the destruction of your covenant.
Tanelornpete is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-20-2010, 09:18 AM   #156 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 954
Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

Ok so last night I went out and played some pool and sang some karaoke. Had a good time even though thoughts of wife were there. This morning, I get a call from her but I decided I didn't want to talk to her. She left a message stating she needed daughter's dance shoes since I had them last weekend. I text back that I would drop them off at dance studio. She calls again within 5 minutes but still I didn't answer. I text back asking what's up. She texts for me to answer phone. Finally I do and she says that I should answer phone because her calls were only concerning daughter. I said I told u I was dropping off shoes so what more is there. She says daughter decided she didn't want to dance today but I told her she couldn't texted that to me. She then started talking about how I was being rude for not answering phone. She talks about not caring about where I'm living and all this kind of stuff. Then talks about me taking required parenting class and I told her I would. I still have 13 days before I have to sign up so I'm not in a hurry. It actually felt good. Do I still love her? Yes, very much so. I just want to limit our contact as much as possible and in some sense do the 180, I guess. Still got a long ways to go. I still think she cares even though she tells herself and me something different or she wouldn't have gotten agitated by me not answering my phone. What do you guys think?
Posted via Mobile Device
marksaysay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-21-2010, 04:01 PM   #157 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 25,500
Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

Sounds like a good plan.
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-22-2010, 08:46 AM   #158 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 954
Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

I was surprised to see wife at church yesterday. She came looking really good I must say. But I kept with my plan of keeping my space and did not pursue her and only spoke regarding some mail she had for me. I find it somewhat odd that she still came because I would have thought someone who wanted to do nothing with me and was done would not voluntarily come to same place. I still stuck to my guns. I haven't really talked with her for several days and at this point it doesn't seem to bother her. Reality is starting to set in as I will be spending thanksgiving away from her and daughter for first time in 11 years. It will be rough but I'll get through it.
Posted via Mobile Device
marksaysay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-03-2010, 07:18 AM   #159 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 954
Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

Hadn't been here for a while so I decided to give an update. Things haven't really changed a lot other than my more committed approach to me and my improvement. I've had several difficult days but I'm still here. Wife has been pretty unresponsive to her cousin who addressed her as nonconfrontational as possible. She admitted several things but quickly cut the conversation when her cousin stated that her actions were not proper for a married woman. Wife then refused to accept any calls for days. Wife called her back days later leaving a message about how she had not had time to think and how could she believe anything I told her. All this was done while crying into the phone. We are still not communicating although she has gotten bothered by my unwillingness to allow her to control everything as well as my lack of contact with her. I will continue to try and wait out the storm for a little while longer and also continue to work on myself.

Also, my wife has done some kinda weird things in the last few days, atleast in my eyes. She has told me she doesn't care about what happens to me yet she calls to inquire about an issue I have with my car. She says she no longer cars what I do but then she wants to ask about what I'm doing and where i've been hanging out. She says she doesn't want to be around me but yet she still comes to the same church, although we don't really communicate. She also decided to rejoin the bowling team we've been a part of for the last 2 years. Keep in mind that all this has been done over the last 4-5 days. Is this normal for a woman who is done and no longer wants a relationship with or am I starting to affect her? I just thought all these things were kind of peculiar....
Posted via Mobile Device

Last edited by marksaysay; 12-03-2010 at 02:02 PM.
marksaysay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-08-2010, 01:34 PM   #160 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 954
Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

The 30th day after being served D papers is monday. My birthday is Tuesday. What a present, huh? Not any major changes other than the fact that I am completely commited to not giving up. I know there is not much else I can do. I have had some really difficult days. I've considered reproaching mother-in-law who has told another relative she doesn't believe my "accusations". I don't know if it will do any good because I found out she's been inquiring to therapists at her job about my likelihood of getting over my porn problem and totally overlooking her daughters activities. I really think the best thing for me to right now is just worry about what I can control, me. At this point, divine intervention is the only thing that might save my family and my marriage. I won't stop believing that a reconciliation is possible until all is said and done. Its just so bothersome that there are members of her family who know of her activities and disagree with because they are wrong but they won't say anything. They feel that only her mother or father should say something. I think that's sad.
Posted via Mobile Device
marksaysay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-08-2010, 02:25 PM   #161 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 25,500
Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

If you have proof, just send her a note with copies of it and say 'I'm hearing that you are telling people you don't believe what I've been telling you about your daughter. I know it hurts to hear about your loved ones doing things you don't approve of, but I was really hoping you'd help support our marriage - there's so much there to just throw away, and it will hurt a lot of people.

So, just in case you're debating what to do, here is a copy of what I've been dealing with. I still love your daughter and I'm willing to work on this marriage if she will give up OM and recommit to us. I promise you, and daughter, that I am fully aware of my own issues and am working diligently to rid myself of any obstacles to us having a great marriage moving forward. I only hope that she will see the benefits of that, too. And I hope you will help me reconcile our family. I don't want to lose her, OR you guys.

Love,
Your SIL'
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-08-2010, 03:15 PM   #162 (permalink)
Moderator
 
827Aug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 4,181
Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
If you have proof, just send her a note with copies of it and say 'I'm hearing that you are telling people you don't believe what I've been telling you about your daughter. I know it hurts to hear about your loved ones doing things you don't approve of, but I was really hoping you'd help support our marriage - there's so much there to just throw away, and it will hurt a lot of people.

So, just in case you're debating what to do, here is a copy of what I've been dealing with. I still love your daughter and I'm willing to work on this marriage if she will give up OM and recommit to us. I promise you, and daughter, that I am fully aware of my own issues and am working diligently to rid myself of any obstacles to us having a great marriage moving forward. I only hope that she will see the benefits of that, too. And I hope you will help me reconcile our family. I don't want to lose her, OR you guys.

Love,
Your SIL'
I think this should be your next step. It's worth a try. What do you have to lose at this point? I tried something very similar with my estranged husband last year.

My mother actually sent my FIL a very nice letter urging him to help last year. My FIL is a church deacon, so my mother pleaded to him as a Christian to step in an help. She also included the proof of his "swinging" activities. My therapist thought my mother wrote the most compassionate ( & beautiful) letter. But, you know my FIL simply ignored the letter--he never responded to my mother. However, I do know something was said to my estranged husband; he was really angry for weeks. That was about the extent of it though.

I really hope you find a way to change your wife's heart.
827Aug is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-08-2010, 03:48 PM   #163 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 954
Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

I've been so hesitant to completely reveal everything. The little I have revealed hasn't done much but make her mad. I'm wondering if it would be too late to do something since our court date will probably be set soon since I'm not signing papers. But again I know her mother hasn't said anything about the things I revealed to her because my wife hadn't called me about it and I know she would. A woman told me to be careful in doing a complete exposure because she feels it would hurt more than help and that she could become extremely more vindictive as it pertains to the divorce but the more I think about it, what do I really have to lose. I just feel like if her mother knew everything, she would have to say something but I also know that her mother is different and finds it difficult to address wrong in her children, specifically her daughter whom she doesn't have the best relationship with. I'm torn with what to do.
Posted via Mobile Device
marksaysay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-08-2010, 05:10 PM   #164 (permalink)
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 25,500
Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

If for nothing else, let her know what her daughter's doing so that, maybe, somewhere along the line, her mother (who will finally know the truth) just may have some sort of influence over your STBX.

As you said, what have you got to lose?
turnera is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-09-2010, 07:23 AM   #165 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 954
Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

My wife tried to hit me last night. I went over to pick up daughter and she asked why I hadn't submitted divorce papers yet. I just told her that i didn't want the divorce. She said that she stopped loving me years ago and that I didn't have to make it this hard. She said to just give her what she wants so she can be free to do what she wants and free from me. I just told her she filed the divorce and i have the right to contest it. She then swung at me but I blocked it. All this with our daughter in the car a few feet away. Don't think she saw it though. Is this typical of someone in the "fog" or should I just throw in the towel, give her the quick, divorce and move on? I still have a lot of fight in me and I'm not really ready to give up yet....
marksaysay is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Men.....what is your "EDGE" - can you explain it ...and have you grown in it ?? SimplyAmorous The Men's Clubhouse 49 07-24-2012 10:49 AM
Explain about the "ego boost" thing... highwood Coping with Infidelity 13 06-13-2012 04:26 PM
he "broke it off" but still allowing her to explain herself. Dee4204 Coping with Infidelity 2 03-22-2010 11:07 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:44 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage