It's part of the cake eating. People who cheat want to have their Emotional Needs met by TWO people - their spouse AND the affair partner. That way, they get quite a thrill, knowing two people are 'fighting' for them. What an ego boost!
Eventually, however, the betrayed spouse starts getting tired of being used and abused, and starts to pull away, stops chasing, doesn't engage in the 'battle.'
The cheater, then, starts feeling put out. Wait a minute! He's supposed to be sitting at home pining away for me! I'd better call him up and give him a few crumbs so he'll come back around and try to win me again. Make him think he's got a chance by being nice to him. So he'll start chasing and feed my ego again.
All subconscious, of course, but real nonetheless.
She doesn't want this fish (you) to get away by treating you TOO badly. Gotta throw you some crumbs.
I came to the conclusion today that I'm gonna stop fighting to be with someone who, at this point, doesn't want to be with me. In my opinion, she doesn't even deserve me. The woman I am seeing right now is not the woman I fell in love with. When we have our day in court, I will let her have the divorce. What I do know and believe is that one day, either sooner or later, she will regret her decision. I am a good man, although I've made mistakes. She will one day realize that and she better hope I haven't already moved on. I am still married right now and will continue to act as such but I will no longer fight her if this is what she wants. It will only be her loss. Posted via Mobile Device
Had a talk with the wife today expressing my desire to move forward with giving her the divorce stating that I deserved better, deserved to be loved, deserved someone committed to me. She followed with some other complaints that were exagerrated. I told her that i was still married and would conduct myself as a married man until I am no longer married (a dart at her activities). She tells me that i can come over and celebrate christmas with daughter and her at her apartment (that's where all the gifts are) but that it was her place and I have no right to be snooping around. Why throw that in if you are not doing anything that requires secrecy? Anyway, I'm getting more and more confident about my decision to move forward with my life because she doesn't deserve me. If she is willing to continue this behavior, but deny it to everyone, then I can do better. I wish her the best, but she will one day regret leaving me...
Mark - you've found your self respect and backbone. You're doing a fine plan A showing both the Carrot and the Stick. You've come a long way and you might want to go to a Dark Plan B. It might be enough to finally snap her out of this fog she's still in. You're seeing only glimpses of the woman you married because she's got you and the OM. Going dark will show her what it's like to be divorced. Posted via Mobile Device
Mark - you've found your self respect and backbone. You're doing a fine plan A showing both the Carrot and the Stick. You've come a long way and you might want to go to a Dark Plan B. It might be enough to finally snap her out of this fog she's still in. You're seeing only glimpses of the woman you married because she's got you and the OM. Going dark will show her what it's like to be divorced. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm not sure that I want to do this for a couple of reasons. 1) She says that she is not convinced that I was moving on, even though this is the first time I've said that I was no longer going to fight the divorce. So I really want her to see that I am. 2) I am really starting to feel like I don't want to be married to her any longer since she wants to act this way. I won't lie and say that I don't still have feelings for her, because I do. I won't lie and say that, after the divorce is final, I won't be bothered by seeing her with someone else, because I know it will. Maybe it won't. I don't know. But I deserve better and she just may not be what I need. If she doesn't come around before we go to court in January, I feel like it will be time for me to move forward and wait for the right person to come along. I really don't have any hard feelings towards her, but I do know that she will one day hate the fact that she prematurely gave up on me and our marriage and hope for another chance. Unfortunately, it may very well be too late.
I came to the conclusion today that I'm gonna stop fighting to be with someone who, at this point, doesn't want to be with me. In my opinion, she doesn't even deserve me. The woman I am seeing right now is not the woman I fell in love with. When we have our day in court, I will let her have the divorce. What I do know and believe is that one day, either sooner or later, she will regret her decision. I am a good man, although I've made mistakes. She will one day realize that and she better hope I haven't already moved on. I am still married right now and will continue to act as such but I will no longer fight her if this is what she wants. It will only be her loss. Posted via Mobile Device
For me, your conclusions and judgements are spot on. As is your way ahead and through all this.
The best way to get her to come around, is to go dark Plan B and SHOW her what she's losing and to show her that you ARE moving on - by being dark!
Plan B DOES give her time to realize it. Read up on it at marriagebuilders.com or in Surviving An Affair.
Yep. It is now time for plan b. She has pushed me long enough. Like Popeye, 'I stands all I can stands and I can't stands no more'. She will regret having walked out on me and our family. Posted via Mobile Device
But here's my question for ya. Consequences/Plan B is for someone who is not divorcing. Carrot & Stick/Plan A shows the disloyal that you CAN BE the one to give her love kindlers and that you can end the love extinguishers you were doing...AND it shows the disloyal that there is a cost associated with the choices they're making. Consequences/Plan B is to protect the love you have for the disloyal before they completely extinguish it all. It's to give them a rude wake up to what it will be like when you meet NONE of their needs and give no love kindlers anymore. But the goal or aim is to wake them up and reconcile the marriage.
At this point it sounds to me as if you are determined to divorce, and if that's the case, you wouldn't send this letter telling her that you accept your part in the breakdown or what steps she'd need to do before you'd discuss allowing her to return to the marriage. There ARE no steps because you're not willing to return. Does that make sense?
For your own mental health, if you have decided to divorce, you may want to disentangle from her, but it would not be Consequences/Plan B. It would look a little similar but the aim is different. In disentanglement you have made the decision to divorce no longer what to have your life, finances, affection, etc. tangled with her life, finances, and affection--you want to be apart, be an individual, be free, and move on.
It's been a while since I last posted, but I've had some time to think about my last post. I must confess that I'd given in to what everyone was telling me that I should while ignoring what my heart was telling me to do. Ive decided that I'm not going to give up. That decision actually came the day after my last post. No one else is in my shoes. No one else can tell me what I should do in terms if whether or not I should continue fighting for mr marriage. No one else can tell me what I really feel so I need to stop listening to people telling me to give up and give in. I have continued to stay on my path of self improvement and have kept contact with wife at a bare minimum. It really ticks her off that I am not there at her every beck and call.
Over the last few days, I've learned a lot about myself as well as my wife. More importantly I've learned a lot about God and his views on marriage and divorce. Ive also learned that my wife finds every little thing that I do or don't do as a reason to get angry with me. Yesterday, when I stopped by her apartment to pick up daughter while her mother was babysitting, I grabbed a handful of the 200+ DVDs that we'd accumulated during our relationship since I don't have cable. She got extremely mad about that. I didn't let it bother me as I did nothing wrong unless my mistake was not asking permission to borrow what already was mine, at least partially anyway. Didn't think it would be a big deal as she knows I'm without cable but it was. Personally, I feel like a change in our situation in near. I may be wrong but that's how I feel and feeling is so strong. I know one thing, I've come to realize just what it means to have unconditional love for someone. Posted via Mobile Device
I am still on plan a/180. I am far from the giving up stage. I feel kinda of silly knowing that I'd allowed others to tell me that it was time I gave up. I do believe that my switch in attitude towards her has affected her. Now I think her anger is due to me longer chasing and pleading and questioning. Do I still at times wonder? Yes, but what she does is out of my control. I will say that I don't have the frequent bad days like before. Posted via Mobile Device
32Likes
Re: Could someone explain this "fog" 
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at 
