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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-08-2010, 09:34 PM   #106 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

My thinking is, if she is so active in being with OM's and web site stuff, and hanging out with single friend will she really have the time to screwing you over? Secondly, she kepts telling you that you will suffer the consequences, well granted you will, but won't you both feel the consequences?
I believe she will and if you play our cards right you may come out looking like the stronger guy, so take the hits, you will one way or another. Take the hit and this will let her know that the whole "consequence" thing won't work and she (hopefully) stop playing that consequence card. At the very least you will look more confident in... "I can handle this and screw you", kind of thing.
I can't imagin loosing every thing but she will lose too( I think). Some times we/her have to hit rock bottom befor we can pick our selves up. Is there a verse for that:-)

Good luck Mark, it looks like your between a rock and a hard place, just dont let her know that. You will find a way and you will figure this out with out her threatening you all the time, that bs. Got out from under that.
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Old 11-08-2010, 09:47 PM   #107 (permalink)
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....if you play our cards right you may come out looking like the stronger guy, so take the hits, you will one way or another. Take the hit and this will let her know that the whole "consequence" thing won't work and she (hopefully) stop playing that consequence card. At the very least you will look more confident in... "I can handle this and screw you", kind of thing.
I can't imagin loosing every thing but she will lose too( I think). Some times we/her have to hit rock bottom befor we can pick our selves up. Is there a verse for that:-)
Not only do I think I will come out looking like the stronger guy, but I will take back my dignity even if I don't get my wife back. I thought about it and I'm not gonna sit back and let her bully me into letting her do whatever she wants, especially in MY house. Her name is not even on the loan for the house because of her past credit history. I think, that at some point, it will cause her to look back and understand just how strong I am, and it might just be too late when she comes to that realization. It will begin tomorrow with a call to our cell phone provider to split our accounts. Then I will make the calls. I'm ok with losing my wife and/or home if it means maintaining my dignity and self-respect.
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Old 11-09-2010, 01:21 AM   #108 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

Great plan. Just remember, women want men who are dangerous, strong, provocative. The more you show her you won't accept crap, the more appealing you become. Good luck!
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Old 11-09-2010, 03:14 AM   #109 (permalink)
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Please elaborate. I don't make alot of money while in school so there are limited possibilities right now.
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Why not move back into your home. When there ask your wife to do the right thing and move out. Rent out a room in your home to help with the mortgage and sublet the apartment if you canít get out of the lease.

Or else stay in the apartment and rent your house out.

Bob
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Old 11-09-2010, 12:38 PM   #110 (permalink)
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Why not move back into your home. When there ask your wife to do the right thing and move out. Rent out a room in your home to help with the mortgage and sublet the apartment if you canít get out of the lease.

Or else stay in the apartment and rent your house out.

Bob
Sounds like a good idea. Im gonna start searching now.
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Old 11-09-2010, 09:49 PM   #111 (permalink)
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Sounds like a good idea. Im gonna start searching now.
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She got furious that I made the phone calls. Told me I could take care of the house. Im cool with that. I couldn't take her cheating on me in my own house. Says her dad will be coming on Saturday for what I don't know. I'm. Not really worried about that. I get my house back. Whatever happens after that happens.
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Old 11-09-2010, 10:58 PM   #112 (permalink)
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She got furious that I made the phone calls. Told me I could take care of the house. Im cool with that. I couldn't take her cheating on me in my own house. Says her dad will be coming on Saturday for what I don't know. I'm. Not really worried about that. I get my house back. Whatever happens after that happens.
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While I am still not for certain that its all over, I'm extremely worried about her because she says that regardless of what our pastor says and what the bible teaches, she's gonna do what she wants any way. Our pastor asked about the guys she's been talking to and she says they are just meeting her emotional needs. He told her that regardless of whether or not she wants to be married, she still is and that's not right. She told him she would stop but told me she wasn't going to. I will continue to the next phase.
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Old 11-10-2010, 09:33 AM   #113 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

What phone calls? Are you talking about exposure?

What happened? You moved back home?
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Old 11-10-2010, 12:54 PM   #114 (permalink)
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What phone calls? Are you talking about exposure?

What happened? You moved back home?
Yes I made calls and she's mad mad mad. Said she would be moving out next week and that I could have the house. Funny thing is her father and step-mom are on my side and she doesn't know it. She's still texting me today in an uproar. Is it good for her to be this mad?
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Old 11-10-2010, 02:44 PM   #115 (permalink)
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Oh, VERY expected. Don't get drawn into it. Just reply "I'm trying to save my marriage" and leave it at that.

She's going to say all kinds of things, like 'I was going to choose you but now you've ruined it' or 'you ruined my reputation' (uh, no, wouldn't that be YOU?) or 'that's it - I'm divorcing you NOW'...

Just ignore it. Your marriage can survive her anger, it can't survive another man.
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Old 11-10-2010, 02:44 PM   #116 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

Did you move back home?
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Old 11-10-2010, 10:47 PM   #117 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

I still like this one, If she starts going crazy pull out a bag of cookies and offer her one. My sister used to do this with me when I was being a little s**t.
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Old 11-13-2010, 06:09 PM   #118 (permalink)
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I got served the divorce papers today and I'm beginning to think that it really is over. My wife told her dad that my making the phone calls a few days ago is really what did it for her. But as I think now about it, wasn't it already over? I know that the papers don't really have to be signed right away and that I still have a little time but she just seems so comfortable and at peace with this. I did find out something that was troubling and encouraging all at once. She told me she called the OM to give him a heads up that I would be calling (she knew because I'd call yet another guy who called her) because the people she wanted in her life needed to be warned. Understand that she's been talking to several different guys and I called them all. It was troubling because this revealed an emotional connection but encouraging because she later tried to say there wasn't a connection, continuing with the lies and increasing my suspicion of the 'fog'. Maybe I'm holding on to a sense of false hope or maybe I'm not.

As my next step is the carrot and stick, I've studied all the information and have a much better idea of who I am and where mistakes were made. I guess my question is how do I carry this out in a way where she might notice or am I looking at in in the wrong perspective. Obviously, my desire at this point is to save my marriage but I also am aware that the changes I make will have great benefits in the long run for me. I do want to move on and get on with my life but I am so emotionally messed up. Some days are good but others are not so good. I just want this all to be over. I know that if our relationship was to change for the better, it's gonna take time. I just have to learn to put her out of my mind, focus on my faith and myself and press on. It's just easier said than done.
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Old 11-13-2010, 08:06 PM   #119 (permalink)
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Oh, VERY expected. Don't get drawn into it. Just reply "I'm trying to save my marriage" and leave it at that.

She's going to say all kinds of things, like 'I was going to choose you but now you've ruined it' or 'you ruined my reputation' (uh, no, wouldn't that be YOU?) or 'that's it - I'm divorcing you NOW'...

Just ignore it. Your marriage can survive her anger, it can't survive another man.
Mark, my now Ex H asked for divorce less than a month after I busted him in front of the restaurant and about 2 weeks after I disclosed the affair to HIS family and close friends. He never said that he did it because I was talking to people, in fact he did not say anything an refused separation flat out(which is what I was going for if I had a choice).

It can go either way, the WS will be angry no matter what.
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Old 11-13-2010, 09:40 PM   #120 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

When an affair is exposed, it is no longer hidden. It loses it's secretive allure, and the cheating spouse is left with the choice of backing down from the affair or choosing to pursue it with some vigor.

Often they will file divorce papers - this is a reaction done out of anger (hence they are usually rushed.) However, it is to your benefit to postpone playing this game as long as possible - to allow the anger to cool, and reason to set in. Mark, this is especially true in your case, since your wife's cheating involves online 'short' encounters - almost none of which will result in any significant relationships (and almost all lead to disaster, disappointment and loss.)

Don't sign any papers - dispute any claims, etc. Make this as long and drawn out as possible. All of that will give you ample time to back away from the overwhelming desire you have to arrange your wife's life and instead turn yours in the direction it should be going.

You no longer need consider exposing the affair. It's out in the open - your wife is trying to get you to release her from the marriage so that her choices will seem more moral (in reality they would be no more moral if she were single, would they?) Your church has some work to do - and so do you. It's time to concentrate on that instead. Don't try to deliberately do things so that she will 'notice' - you'd be much better served if she stumbled across the truth on her own.

In the meantime, your life will be heading in the right direction, which is by far more important.
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