Could someone explain this "fog"
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Old 10-18-2010, 03:41 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Could someone explain this "fog"

I believe my wife is now in the "fog" that i've read about. Could someone please explain this to me? I've been hearing much of what every has been saying. "I have love for you, but I'm not in love with you." "I don't think I can love you anymore" All of this kind of stuff. She is currently not fixed in just one emotional affair, but she has actually been seeking the attention and exchanging explicit texts with several men. She says she wants to see whats out there, but I know in my heart that she loves me. She says she wants to see what else is out there and that it is not about sex or about a commitment. She wants to have fun, what our marriage has missed for so long. She says she's done what everyone else wanted her to do, now it's time that she does what she wants to do. She has even talked of divorce. I don't want the divorce. I believe that with time, this can pass. I just want more information on how I should proceed. I want to fight for our marriage. What is this plan A and plan B stuff? What the deal with saying you want to try to reconcile in the midst of divorce process? Help me out...
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Old 10-18-2010, 04:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

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The "fog" in an affair is more or less an altered sense of reality. Your wife is emotionally confused. Once the excitement of the affair takes hold, she sees the begans to re-write her history with you. Your "bad" side is magnified and your "good" side is deminshed. You become the problem with her confusion. It is a living fantasy.

Note: If you are hearing from her the "I love you, but I am no longer in love with you" and she has mentioned divorce as rememdy to her unhappiness, she is seeing another man or about to. I have personally been there and have friends in the same situation. The reality is a wife will not leave you cold unless she has given herself over to another man. Furthermore, expect her involvement to be much worse than the "truth" she is willing to tell you.
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Old 10-18-2010, 04:14 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

Welcome to the club! Sorry that you find yourself here. Just read the Coping with Infidelity forum and you will see many versions of that fog.
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Old 10-18-2010, 04:17 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

The interesting thing is that it's not really one guy which makes it even more confusing as this is far from my wife's character. I'm aware that she has been corresponding with atleast 3 different guys via phone, text, email, facebook and such. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with but she's, in my opinion, lashing out because of what she calls "emotional neglect" for several years. I just want to know that best route to getting back to the love i know is still there. I want my wife and my marriage back.
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Old 10-18-2010, 04:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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The interesting thing is that it's not really one guy which makes it even more confusing as this is far from my wife's character. I'm aware that she has been corresponding with atleast 3 different guys via phone, text, email, facebook and such. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with but she's, in my opinion, lashing out because of what she calls "emotional neglect" for several years. I just want to know that best route to getting back to the love i know is still there. I want my wife and my marriage back.
Your wife's actions ARE what she is. She may have been hiding her true nature from you for a very long time. Confusing isn't it.
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Old 10-18-2010, 04:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

marksaysay, I'm glad you are hearing from other victims on this thread as well. They are giving you sound advice. Hopefully you are getting a better understanding of the "fog" now.
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Old 10-18-2010, 04:44 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Your wife's actions ARE what she is. She may have been hiding her true nature from you for a very long time. Confusing isn't it.
I don't think it's a confusing as it is surprising. Everyone has it within themselves to behave in this fashion - some people are better at controlling it, and many people are in relationships where this sort of behavior simply is irrelevant - there's no point to it. But all of us, given the right circumstances, will find ways to justify our behavior - especially if a choice we make, and the resultant activity (that we want to continue) militates against what we know to be 'the right thing to do'.

The surprise is not that spouses can behave this way - but that they find a reason to do so. Most people are unaware that the situation is building up to infidelity, until reality suddenly slaps them in the face.
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Old 10-18-2010, 05:41 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

To my mind, the "fog" is what I call Disloyal Dizzy talk. That's when the disloyal spouse says something out loud, and you think to yourself, "Umm?? Do you hear what you just said?"

You have known your disloyal spouse for years. You know what his/her true character is like, but while your disloyal is active in the affair, it LOOK like them and SOUND like them...but it's not them. I personally call this the "Evil Twin" (in a nerdy reference to that Star Trek Classic episode with the goatees). Many loyal spouses make the mistake of thinking, "Oh s/he would never do that to me or hurt the kids like that..." and their spouse's true character might never do that, but whilst in the affair, the disloyal's way of thinking is very different. Not in every single case, but about 99% of the time, the disloyal is thinking primarily of themselves only and if they have to hurt a few people along the way (their spouse or their children) they will do so. This fact ALONE is really hard for many loyal spouses to accept.


Here's how Disloyal Dizziness starts. Most disloyals think of themselves as someone honest and faithful, so why would someone who's honest and faithful commit adultery? They have to come up with a reason to justify doing something that's utterly against their character! To continue, let's think of a drug addict.

Have you ever seen someone who isn't a drug addict yet have their first few times with drugs--wooooooo it feels good! They act silly or feel numb or whatever the effect is...they like it. But who thinks of themselves as a crack addict, right? I bet most people think, "I would never be a drug addict--I grew up in a nice neighborhood" (or something along that line). Then they have their first couple times with the drug and LOVE the feelings and the effect! So they want to do that again, and they have a job so they buy some. Then it takes more of the drug to get that same effect/feeling so they buy more. Now they aren't doing so good at work--maybe they're in trouble--but they rationalize that away as the boss being out to get them. Their family or parents say something and they justify their crabbiness by saying their family "doesn't understand them." Then the drug addict doesn't have enough money and they NEED the drug, so they steal it out of their mom's purse. Now the addict isn't the kind of person who would steal, but they justify it to themselves don't they? They have to do it again, and this time their mom catches them, and do they admit the drugs are wrong and take personal responsibility? NO!!! No, they blame their parents, blame work, blame EVERYONE but themselves and even when they can see the damage they're doing, they won't admit it. Finally they even run away and end up sleeping people for money so they can buy their drug. Some part of them may know they're living in the gutter, but they do and say things that are not them--not the nice kid who was raised by good parents in a nice neighborhood.

Does that make sense? Your disloyal is addicted to the affair. Like a drug addict s/he will say or do anything to get more of the zing of the affair--including hurt people and do things that are not them. They magnify your flaws and their unhappiness, sometimes even saying things like "I never have loved you all these years" or "I was never happy" when you know darn well they were! They magnify the Other Person's (OP's) good points and how "happy" they are, and supported by Hollywood Hype think it is a love story and they are "star-crossed lovers who found each other. They complete me. They are my destiny." (CHOKE!) AND when they talk, it is the talk of confusion to deflect responsibility, deny it, blame others, ANYTHING to twist it around so they can continue the affair.


My favorite tactic with "fog" (aka Disloyal Dizziness) is to agree and then turn it around on them. For example:

Disloyal: "Why should I end the affair? You ignored me for years! You had your chance and you blew it!"

Loyal: "You're right. Why would I love someone who's had an affair and is ignoring me? You are blowing your chance to do the right thing."

-OR-

Disloyal: "Oh so you can have female friends but I can't have male friends?"

Loyal: "You're right. I maintain friendships with people of the opposite sex being sure they all understand that you have 100% of my affection and loyalty. Is that what YOUR friendships mean, or do you give those other men affection and loyalty over your spouse?"
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Last edited by Affaircare; 10-18-2010 at 05:45 PM.
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Old 10-18-2010, 05:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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How long does the fog usually last? This came to a head after her discovery of my continued pornography addiction that I'm now going to therapy for. She then asked me to leave, but the conversations that followed were not only about that but about how I've emotionally neglected her for so long. I admit to having done so but that doesn't excuse the fact that she's decided to pursue other people. When the pornography discovery was made this time, I immediately found a therapist. Since then it's been "I don't think I'm in love with you anymore" or something like that. She didn't really throw up the divorce card until I discovered her web activity, her texting and so forth. I really want to fight for my marriage but I want to do it in a dignified way. How do you drag out a divorce process by saying that you want to try counseling and so forth to give the DS time to come out of the fog while i get myself together?
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Old 10-18-2010, 05:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

I am a hardliner. I believe that you cannot afford to "wait" and hope she returns. To me, she needs a clear message that her behavior will not be tolerated. What she wants is for you to sit by and wait for her while she goes and has sex with other men. And let me say this, if she engaging in explicit e-mails, texting or phone calls, IT IS ALL ABOUT SEX!

You seriously need to pour over the past posts on here. You will find (like so many other betrayed spouses here), she will say anything she needs to in order to get you to free her up. She will suggest that you move out, or that she will move out. She will suggest divorce or separation. She will say she just needs space right now. She will make agreements with you to not see anyone if you or she moves out. THE MINUTE SHE GETS FREE, SHE WILL START ARRANGING SEX WITH OTHER MEN.

She has brought up divorce for one reason. She is hoping that you will be so desperate to save your marriage that you will literally allow her to spread her legs for other guys.

You could prove this theory. Tell her "instead of divorcing, what if I said you could go out and date other guys?" Watch how quickly divorce will be taken off the table. She does not want a divorce, she wants to have sex with other men. She wants you for security and them for sex. Seriously, I would bait her with that offer. Then when she agrees to it. You will know exactly whats on her mind.

When she agrees to your very generous offer, that's when I would lower the boom. I would immediately cut off all financial support for her. Close off her access to your credit cards and open new bank accounts. I would also file for divorce ( you don't have to sign the papers). Filing will stop her from getting any credit in your name. I would also expose her actions to all friends and family.

I swear that she is testing the waters to see if you will let her have an open marriage. In closing, the nuclear option I have suggested will clear the fog away. This is not the time to beg and plead for her to stay with you. This is the time for you to respect yourself and your marriage by not allowing your wife to debase it by letting other men inside her. The decision is yours. Read the past posts and see which strategy works. Letting her walk all over you by cuckolding you with other men. OR send her the clear signal that you will sweep every aspect of her security away and kick her to the curb, rather then let her so disrespect you.

There can be respect without love. THERE CAN BE NO LOVE WITHOUT RESPECT!

Last edited by Initfortheduration; 10-18-2010 at 06:00 PM.
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Old 10-18-2010, 06:13 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

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I don't think it's a confusing as it is surprising. Everyone has it within themselves to behave in this fashion - some people are better at controlling it, and many people are in relationships where this sort of behavior simply is irrelevant - there's no point to it. But all of us, given the right circumstances, will find ways to justify our behavior - especially if a choice we make, and the resultant activity (that we want to continue) militates against what we know to be 'the right thing to do'.

The surprise is not that spouses can behave this way - but that they find a reason to do so. Most people are unaware that the situation is building up to infidelity, until reality suddenly slaps them in the face.
To me, it is both confusing and surprising. The context is one person finding this out about their spouse, not of someone who makes it their business to know of such things. Think back to the time when you were not cognizant of such things.

It is an individual reaction of confusion, surprise, shock, and disillusionment.
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Old 10-18-2010, 08:45 PM   #12 (permalink)
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The part that gets to me the most is when you said she told you it wasn't about sex but just having fun and seeing what's out there. That's a HUGE red flag to me. In my experience that means she's already had meaningless sexual contact with someone and wants more, or is currently in the process.
Time to decide what it is that you really want, buckle down, and go for it.
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:24 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

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I believe my wife is now in the "fog" that i've read about. Could someone please explain this to me? I've been hearing much of what every has been saying. "I have love for you, but I'm not in love with you." "I don't think I can love you anymore" All of this kind of stuff. She is currently not fixed in just one emotional affair, but she has actually been seeking the attention and exchanging explicit texts with several men. She says she wants to see whats out there, but I know in my heart that she loves me. She says she wants to see what else is out there and that it is not about sex or about a commitment. She wants to have fun, what our marriage has missed for so long. She says she's done what everyone else wanted her to do, now it's time that she does what she wants to do. She has even talked of divorce. I don't want the divorce. I believe that with time, this can pass. I just want more information on how I should proceed. I want to fight for our marriage. What is this plan A and plan B stuff? What the deal with saying you want to try to reconcile in the midst of divorce process? Help me out...
If my wife told me that stuff my reaction would be tell her if thatís what she truly wants out of her life then she must go out and get it. That she doesnít do it on either my time or my money. She would get absolutely zero support from me and she would know that from the outset. I would tell her that I accept absolutely no responsibility for the path she has chosen. That she is totally responsible for her life and if she falls itís exceedingly doubtful that Iíd be there to pick her up. She would be the one to move out of the home.

Then I would build new boundaries to protect myself from her behaviour. I would also tell her that if she wants to go to marriage counselling before she sets off on the new journey of hers Iíd be glad to do that with her. That it would be very doubtful if she fails in anyway at all on her chosen path that I would take her back.

It gets them out of the ďfogĒ pretty darn quickly and they know exactly where they stand.

Bob
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Old 10-18-2010, 10:03 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Could someone explain this "fog"

I just left my house where I told the DS that I could not accept her terms of being able to hang out with other guys and use me as a security blanket. I told her that I wanted her to stop what she was doing. Her reply was that she didn't want to and that she was just going to plan on moving forward without me. I then talked with a respected elderly women, and asked her if she could possibly talk with her about commitment and marriages hoping that this might wake her up out of the fog. Do I think I will do any good? No. She says her willingness to stay committed to this relationship is gone. She says she plans on seeing a lawyer and proceeding with the divorce proceedings. While I know that I'm going to have some difficult days ahead, it felt good to look her in the eyes and tell her that. While I still have some hope that things can be worked out, that hope is diminishing fast and I'm actually in a better place to accept that. I hope that as I progress through the 7 steps, things might turn around. If not, that's ok.
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Old 10-19-2010, 01:10 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I'm proud of you. You are respecting yourself. Let her file. But be sure to separate finances like I said. Or she could clean you out by opening another account and transferring your money there. You are entitled to a wife who will love you and won't cheat. Instead of a skank who wants to play the field. Good luck.
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