To my mind, the "fog" is what I call Disloyal Dizzy talk. That's when the disloyal spouse says something out loud, and you think to yourself, "Umm?? Do you hear what you just said?
You have known your disloyal spouse for years. You know what his/her true character is like, but while your disloyal is active in the affair, it LOOK like them and SOUND like them...but it's not them. I personally call this the "Evil Twin" (in a nerdy reference to that Star Trek Classic episode with the goatees). Many loyal spouses make the mistake of thinking, "Oh s/he would never do that to me or hurt the kids like that..." and their spouse's true character might never do that, but whilst in the affair, the disloyal's way of thinking is very
different. Not in every single case, but about 99% of the time, the disloyal is thinking primarily of themselves only and if they have to hurt a few people along the way (their spouse or their children) they will do so. This fact ALONE is really hard for many loyal spouses to accept. Here's how Disloyal Dizziness starts
. Most disloyals think of themselves as someone honest and faithful, so why would someone who's honest and faithful commit adultery? They have to come up with a reason to justify doing something that's utterly against their character! To continue, let's think of a drug addict.
Have you ever seen someone who isn't a drug addict yet have their first few times with drugs--wooooooo it feels good! They act silly or feel numb or whatever the effect is...they like it. But who thinks of themselves as a crack addict, right? I bet most people think, "I would never be a drug addict--I grew up in a nice neighborhood" (or something along that line). Then they have their first couple times with the drug and LOVE the feelings and the effect! So they want to do that again, and they have a job so they buy some. Then it takes more of the drug to get that same effect/feeling so they buy more. Now they aren't doing so good at work--maybe they're in trouble--but they rationalize that away as the boss being out to get them. Their family or parents say something and they justify their crabbiness by saying their family "doesn't understand them." Then the drug addict doesn't have enough money and they NEED the drug, so they steal it out of their mom's purse. Now the addict isn't the kind of person who would steal, but they justify it to themselves don't they? They have to do it again, and this time their mom catches them, and do they admit the drugs are wrong and take personal responsibility? NO!!! No, they blame their parents, blame work, blame EVERYONE but themselves and even when they can see the damage they're doing, they won't admit it. Finally they even run away and end up sleeping people for money so they can buy their drug. Some part of them may know they're living in the gutter, but they do and say things that are not them--not the nice kid who was raised by good parents in a nice neighborhood.
Does that make sense? Your disloyal is addicted to the affair. Like a drug addict s/he will say or do anything to get more of the zing of the affair--including hurt people and do things that are not them. They magnify your flaws and their unhappiness, sometimes even saying things like "I never have loved you all these years" or "I was never happy" when you know darn well they were! They magnify the Other Person's (OP's) good points and how "happy" they are, and supported by Hollywood Hype think it is a love story and they are "star-crossed lovers who found each other. They complete me. They are my destiny." (CHOKE!) AND when they talk, it is the talk of confusion to deflect responsibility, deny it, blame others, ANYTHING to twist it around so they can continue the affair.
My favorite tactic with "fog" (aka Disloyal Dizziness) is to agree and then turn it around on them. For example:
Disloyal: "Why should I end the affair? You ignored me for years! You had your chance and you blew it!"
Loyal: "You're right. Why would I love someone who's had an affair and is ignoring me? You are blowing your chance to do the right thing."
Disloyal: "Oh so you can have female friends but I can't have male friends?"
Loyal: "You're right. I maintain friendships with people of the opposite sex being sure they all understand that you have 100% of my affection and loyalty. Is that what YOUR friendships mean, or do you give those other men affection and loyalty over your spouse?"