Stuck in a rut!

amber · 07-20-2008, 05:58 PM

I'm having some troubles. I posted my story here before, but I'll do a quick recap. My husband cheated with a co worker. There was only one sexual encounter, but heavy flirting and text messages back and forth for a month before the affair, and then about a month after until I found it. He regrets it and there isn't anymore contact between them. We really wants to work on the marriage so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and trying my best to save our marriage.

The last couple of days however, it's been really hard. I find that most things he does or says is annoying me. I've been in a crappy mood. The affair and the details my husband has given me is all I can think about. I know I'm not ready to "forgive" him yet, but I don't really want to be sad or pissed off with him all the time either.

I guess maybe I feel that he's coping with everything, and I'm still here hurting about it. It's not fair and maybe that's where the resentment is coming from. I really don't want to feel like this and I honestly do want to move forward with our life.

I'm in an emotional rut right now I guess and I don't know how to get over it. I really hate feeling this way.

swedish · 07-21-2008, 10:02 AM

Hi Amber,

No, it's not fair but it is completely normal for you to feel the way you do. For me, there was a time in the beginning when I felt as you do where I just decided to push myself to do what was best for "me". When I would have bad thoughts and feel sad/anxious I would tell myself that I didn't want to waste another minute of my life with those thoughts and would think about something I could do that would make my marriage stronger...would write down reasons I loved my husband and put them in a card, etc. Anyway, it somehow helped me to reclaim my place in my marriage and push the negative out...but I still waste minutes of my life having those thoughts...it's just much less frequent and bearable knowing that most of my time is spent reconnecting and being happy with my husband.

Please give it time and you will move forward.

It would be worse if you just didn't care or didn't think about it...being where you are now does tend to force you to think about what you want from your marriage and what you need to put into it to make it stronger and keep it strong.

Forgiveness came for me when I could see how truly remorseful he was and how much he put into the marriage once we both decided it was what we wanted. I felt that he really was sorry and felt horrible for the hurt he caused me and when I forgave him in my heart I felt we bonded as one in some way instead of dealing with the struggles in 2 different ways from 2 different angles.

Anyway, I think the timeframe of healing is different for everyone, and I did a combination of letting time work its course and forcing myself to think of something else positive when the obsessive thoughts would creep in. Something else I noticed over time...now it's only during PMS that I have these thoughts...I guess the hormones get my emotions running high.

Everything you do to get closer to your husband...do fun things together, laugh, have close conversations, will lesson the frequency of these thoughts.

Amplexor · 07-21-2008, 10:46 AM

Good advice from Swedish. What has happened has turned your world up side down and it is perfectly normal that you are in an emotionally difficult place. I’ve been there my self after the discovery of my wife’s EA. Time and effort are the only things that will help you both along. It does get easier with time and if he is truly remorseful and working on the marriage your resentfulness will fade gradually. Also the painful thoughts will ease and occupy you less and less. This will not right itself overnight but the marriage didn’t deteriorate overnight either. Give your self and your marriage time to heal. Good luck and try to keep your spirits up as best you can during this very difficult time.

amber · 07-21-2008, 12:08 PM

I am trying my best. I know my husband regrets the choice that he made and he is really sorry about how it has affected me as a person, and us as a couple. I know that what I need most is time to allow myself to heal, but it seems like such an impossible road right now. If I didn't think things could get better, I wouldn't be with my husband trying to work things out. I just wish I had more strength.

Thank you both for the great advice.