Indy Nial

Same story as everyone else, out of the blue not in love with you anymore quickly followed by discovery of affair. The EA lasted about 3 months, 1st physical action happened a month ago with another slip up 2 weeks later. Both times she was well and truly smashed.

She has given up booze and says the attraction to the OM is fading and that she wants our marriage to work.

She still says she needs space, isn't in love with me and not sure she can be happy with me.

Do I hang in there hoping that she will come around or is it done?
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MrK

My wife never admitted to me directly that she doesn't love me any more, but she doesn't. Her goal, I think (she won't talk about it), is to stay for the kids and her marriage vows, but she doesn't love me. Hasn't in a while. I recently figured it out. She'll never come back. I've stopped trying. I have yet to read a single post on any of these forums where they come back after they "leave", either physically or emotionally.

Here's MrK's pop-psychology 101: When a couple "breaks up", they RARELY ever get back together. And that's usually after being away from each other for a while and realizing the grass is not necessarily greener. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, maybe.

But being with the one you broke up with EVERY DAY? All of those things you hate about him/her get repeated day after day after day. No way.

synonimous_anonymous

Only you can decide.

She has given up booze. That's good. Will she stay off it, that's another question. Times will get hard again. Will she go back to her booze or will you be her support.

What does she need space for? If she isn't in love with you, then why would you want to be with her. Why not be with someone who IS in love with you. She doesn't know if she can be happy with you? You have to ask why: Are there things you are doing or not doing causing her to feel this way. If there are, address them. If you aren't sure, talk with your wife, ask her why she can't be happy, and if she gives you the reasons, see if those are changes you are willing to make to hold onto this person.

With alcohol in the mix, I'm sure it becomes more complicated. Keep her on track with AA or a good program, keep her away from OM (Make that the number 1 rule). Work on bettering yourself. In the end, you may lose her but you'll walk away a better man.

Amplexor

She won't "come around" if you just "hang around". I heard many of the same statements from my wife three years ago, some worse. But we are still together and very happy in our marriage. She was convinced she would never reconnect with me but she did. We accomplished it with a lot of work and patience. Many will disagree with me but there is nothing wrong with giving her a little space. But don't leave the house if that's what she's asking. She needs to get her arms around how the EA/PA happened. What made her do it. In most cases the EA/PA is driven by a sense that the offending spouse is not getting something from their mate. You need to understand what she wants also and both of you need to provide for each others' needs. Give her a little time if she needs but let her know you intend for both of you to actively work on the marriage shortly. Good luck, it can recover.

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Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp