raped...means she doesn't want to have sex at all. is Dow wife raped?
She was seduced by the man when she was being weak with a big frustraction & depression of her infertility. The OM noticed her weakness and targeted to get her in bed when her husband was not around. To plan this, he first appeared to her as a very understanding & trustworthy friend to earn her trust, and he waited when she's drunk to take the adventages of her.
By the time she realised the trap, it's too late, the sex sense happened already. She was very remorseful to her mistake.
in this case she was not raped. she went with him and she got along with him well no force to sex. if she was raped, she should scream at that time, finding some helps.
You're right. She became hysterical & she ran away.
It's a crime sense. If not, tell me why a woman should run away without her panties if she wasn't forced into having sex when she's drunk??
so then why do you blame him fully. is there no contribution from her
Of course I blame him fully because he was the one wanted to cheat on his wife with an ugly plan by putting his dirty hands on people's lovely wives and destroyed people's lovely marriage!!
Alcohol would be the contribution to the whole sex sense. Without the alcohol, the guy had no chance to get her in the car alone.
Of course I blame him fully because he was the one wanted to cheat on his wife with an ugly plan by putting his dirty hands on people's lovely wives and destroyed people's lovely marriage!!
Alcohol would be the contribution to the whole sex sense. Without the alcohol, the guy had no chance to get her in the car alone.[/QUOTE]
did the alcohol come to them or they came to have alcohol ... alcohol have no desire, purpose or emotion. so alcohol contributed fully on this ... helloooo
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did the alcohol come to them or they came to have alcohol ... alcohol have no desire, purpose or emotion. so alcohol contributed fully on this ... helloooo
Alcohol not only contributed sex crime, but also domestic violence. When the husband woke up from hang over, he didn't remember that he had beated his wife last night. Alcohol made people lose their right minds, is it news? She was lured into the sex sense when she was at a drunk level. If she didn't drink that night, the whole story can be different. So alcohol did contribute the sex sense.
Her fault was she didn't turn to her husband for her difficulties & depression, and she mistakenly trust her co-worker & turned to him for validations & comforts.
I don't think she planed for having sex with this guy. There's no evidences about such plan. Sorry, if she enjoyed her sex without running away, I won't defend her. If she has no depression on her medical issues, I won't defend her.
Because she has both situations, she's not unforgivable. That's my personal opinion.
One more, because she's very remorseful. That made me feel even sure that she's forgivable.
well... this is dow thread .. but we put so much debating here. i am sorry Dow foor this.
And for MS. .... i guess we never be in the same opinion but i respect your perspective.
I think you MsLonely and lobokies are getting into a protracted debate at Dow's expense (or at least on his thread). Bottom line is that his wife (similar to many wives) was feeling emotionally disturbed. Alone in a strange city, no friends and had self esteem issues. Infertility (having been there before with my wife), can wreak havoc on a woman's emotional state. Dow's wife had some level of depression as well.
Add in a co-worker that is willing to lend support and without Dow's wife's conscious awareness, a bond develops. Most women don't "plan" to have an affair. Because of this new "bond", her brain is creating huge amounts of PEA, Dopamine and Oxitocin. These brain chemicals are more powerful than Heroin. These chemicals, combined with the alochol, depression and the bond with the other guy, caused her to do irrational things that she would never, ordinarily do. (remember when you were all 16 years old and fooling around) One thing leads to another and they are crossing the line! She realizes that this is wrong (penetration may have been the wake-up call), and flees the car. Riddled with guilt, shame and remorse, she tells Dow what happened. Cheating and affairs operate in secrecy. She wasn't caught, she revealed what she did.
According to Dow, she clearly never had a history of promiscuity and this behavior was out of character for her. There was no long term affair, no secret weekends, no plans for leaving each other's spouses..... This was just a really bad, unfortunate turn of events.
The wife will not have any further contact with OM. Dow has adjusted his work schedule and has a newfound awareness of his wife's true needs. They are also in councelling together. His wife will be completely transparent as she works really hard to reestablish trust.
Dow's marriage will be like a vase dropped and broken. It will be glued back together, being stronger than ever. The cracks will always be there, but the vase will stay together and be functional.
I think you MsLonely and lobokies are getting into a protracted debate at Dow's expense (or at least on his thread). Bottom line is that his wife (similar to many wives) was feeling emotionally disturbed. Alone in a strange city, no friends and had self esteem issues. Infertility (having been there before with my wife), can wreak havoc on a woman's emotional state. Dow's wife had some level of depression as well.
Add in a co-worker that is willing to lend support and without Dow's wife's conscious awareness, a bond develops. Most women don't "plan" to have an affair. Because of this new "bond", her brain is creating huge amounts of PEA, Dopamine and Oxitocin. These brain chemicals are more powerful than Heroin. These chemicals, combined with the alochol, depression and the bond with the other guy, caused her to do irrational things that she would never, ordinarily do. (remember when you were all 16 years old and fooling around) One thing leads to another and they are crossing the line! She realizes that this is wrong (penetration may have been the wake-up call), and flees the car. Riddled with guilt, shame and remorse, she tells Dow what happened. Cheating and affairs operate in secrecy. She wasn't caught, she revealed what she did.
According to Dow, she clearly never had a history of promiscuity and this behavior was out of character for her. There was no long term affair, no secret weekends, no plans for leaving each other's spouses..... This was just a really bad, unfortunate turn of events.
The wife will not have any further contact with OM. Dow has adjusted his work schedule and has a newfound awareness of his wife's true needs. They are also in councelling together. His wife will be completely transparent as she works really hard to reestablish trust.
Dow's marriage will be like a vase dropped and broken. It will be glued back together, being stronger than ever. The cracks will always be there, but the vase will stay together and be functional.
Thanks for your conclusion! This is what I think also! Posted via Mobile Device
well... this is dow thread .. but we put so much debating here. i am sorry Dow foor this.
And for MS. .... i guess we never be in the same opinion but i respect your perspective.
i think no more debate further .. excuse me
I know you have difficulties forgiving your wife as well.
Honestly speaking, to forgive a person, there's no needs for you to look for a reason. It's enough that she sincerely apologised to you & she's repentant.
However, most men must search valid, rational, & logical reasons before they decide to forgive a woman they deeply love. By the time they found good reasons, they have wasted lots of time in growing resentment already.
So I was here helping you guys look for reasons because you guys always need a reason to forgive your wife, being remorseful and apologising are never enough. Posted via Mobile Device
First, let me thank ALL of you for your help. Lobo, just so you know, my wife has made no excuses, she has never blamed anyone or anything , except herself. These thoughts are from me and from her therapist. Mslonely, she was not lured by the co-worker, because from talking to him and his wife, they have been having troubles of their own, and he (co-worker) was as vulnerable as my wife was. I see it as two lonely people, in a strange city, coming together for mutual support and understanding, and it got out of hand. The drinking and the neurological chemicals, just added to the unfortunate mix. The one good thing about this is that EVERYTHING my wife has already told me has jibed with the facts, and While there has been some "trickle truth", she has volunteered ALL of the info I think that I will need.
Dow's marriage will be like a vase dropped and broken. It will be glued back together, being stronger than ever. The cracks will always be there, but the vase will stay together and be functional.
There are many things I agree with in your statements and with still being in the midst of recovery after having recently within the last 2 months found out that my H of 25 years had an 8 month PA the emotions tied to this are very strong.
However the analogy above re: the vase is very true, I believe our marriage will recover from this and there is hope for others as well. And the pieces will be put back together in a way that from the naked eye you may not be able to see it was once broken. However, YOU will ALWAYS know that you had to pick up the pieces one by one and glue them back together one by one. There was not a magic wand that simply allowed it all happen simulataneously.
There are many things I agree with in your statements and with still being in the midst of recovery after having recently within the last 2 months found out that my H of 25 years had an 8 month PA the emotions tied to this are very strong.
However the analogy above re: the vase is very true, I believe our marriage will recover from this and there is hope for others as well. And the pieces will be put back together in a way that from the naked eye you may not be able to see it was once broken. However, YOU will ALWAYS know that you had to pick up the pieces one by one and glue them back together one by one. There was not a magic wand that simply allowed it all happen simulataneously.
I prefer to think of it as a house, after a tornado. You CAN rebuild it, and if you are wise, you can build it stronger than before, and more capable of resisting the storms.
I prefer to think of it as a house, after a tornado. You CAN rebuild it, and if you are wise, you can build it stronger than before, and more capable of resisting the storms.
Even better! I do find myself struggling though. It has been a refreshing change in many ways, but I still have days where doubt or random thoughts take over.
A very big part of our disconnection was sexual. We are in the midst of a 14-day sexual healing, however, I wonder if we approached it too soon. Trust me, we are having a lot of fun and the power of touch is amazing. But then I start to wonder that because after years of a virtually sexless marriage and now we are almost as active as we were 20 something years ago, does he feel that the affair all is forgotten. And now he feels better about himself while I still have the remnants to deal with...
Again, the wounds are still very fresh. We have had amazing sex over the last week or so but for some reason yesterday I started to wonder if that is the only way we are connecting now.
In a sense I am leary about approaching our long term plans. Just a few weeks ago he said he felt we both would probably be happier starting over on our own. I told him I believe after 25 years of marriage I wouldn't give up on us that quickly. We agreed to no longer focus on the things we can't change from the past but remember what brought us to this place.
However, yesterday and today, I have so many mixed emotions and am starting to feel less confident that we are moving in the right direction and I am starting to get a little apprehensive and fearful that I am setting myself up for a fall.
With everything still being so fresh I am hoping this is normal and need to work through it.
NC, I can't begin to understand how this must hurt after 20+ years of marriage, It's hard enough for me to deal with and we've been married only 6 years!! I will say , however, that for me, it's day to day. Some days I see real progress, but other days, I remember the pain , or I will have trust issues. I have to give my wife credit, she has been completely transparent and does way more than she has to, to set my mind at rest. The sex has been great, but also she has shown total submission to my concerns.
Our session with the therapist was very good and informative. My wife related how she DID have suicidal thoughts immediately after she had sex with her co-worker, but that our pastor gave her hope that we, as a couple, could overcome this. Her self-image is still very low , so I have been trying to raise it by giving her praise and showing her how much she means to me. She has been doing wonderfully at her new job, so I gave her flowers and took her out to a very nice restaurant. For the first time since the affair, I wore my wedding ring. When she saw it she cried for a long time, but they were happy tears, so it was a great evening.!!
Dow, It's time to be the "best husband in the world" and act "as-if". Make it a competition in your own mind! It's working for me and "us". It's like I've become a split personality. I still have my negative thoughts all of the time, but when I'm conscious, I'm in my "role".
I give my wife a hug at every opportunity (a real loving hug).
I give my wife pationate kisses (the 10 second or more stuff-not what you give to your sister).
I write her a love-letter or card every few days. Sometimes I hide it so she finds it as a surprise.
Date nite alone with her every Friday night.
Date nite with another "happy couple" every Saturday night.
Unsolicited non-sexual masssages.
Time alone every night before or inplace of TV, either making love or just talking (intimacy).
I've ramped up the love-making to a new level. I look into her eyes while in the "act" and tell her I love her.
I'm determined to win "husband of the year" in her eyes. I figure the best way to deal with the affair is to help her realize what she almost lost by messing around.
Re: Update...Dowjones 
Re: Update...Dowjones 
