Here are some of the big issues I see, 8yearscheating.
First, *she* says it's over and she's not in contact with OM, but *she* also said she'd forsake all others and covered up her infidelity for eight years. She is a skilled liar, and I'm not being judgmental there--just factually accurate. Therefore, if I were in your shoes I would require confirming PROOF that she's not in contact or I would assume she is in contact!! Confirming proof to my mind would be if she let you see her phone bill or voluntarily gave you the phone every day. Allowing you to look and showing you that she is telling the truth is called transparent honesty and it's backed by accountability. Until she does actions like that, do not assume there is no contact, but rather that the contact has gone more underground.
Second, she is in the house, you are not telling the kids and keeping it a secret, and she "needs time to figure out what she wants to do." In reality you are being complicit helping her continue her affair. Your marriage can not survive an affair, and you need it to be completely ENDED. The kindlers and extinguishers are an okay thing for you to work on, because overall it makes you a better man and better person, but they will be the MOST effective when the affair is confirmed over. As long as the affair is ongoing, it will do you some good, and she'll see signs of the changes in you and may be confused by them, but it won't be rebuilding your marriage. (You rebuild your marriage when TWO people are working at it together: husband -and- wife.)
So job #1 has got to be ending the affair. Then job #2 is rebuilding the marriage.
She is anxious at our touch because she "needs time to think" and says she's separated and won't show you her phone. Baloney! She's anxious because she's probably still phoning the OM and her loyalty is to him!
So here comes the hard part. You need to get a backbone. You can not control her or make demands--if you do you are acting in the ways that drove her away in the first place. But you CAN control YOU and what you will and will not allow in your life. How did she carry on her affair for eight years again? OH YEAH--over that phone that she's hiding! So let her know that if she wants to have the benefits and comforts of the marital home and your finances, that you require 100% of her affection and loyalty--and you'll accept nothing less. For her to continue being in the home, she needs to do three things:
1) Write a No Contact Letter to the OM that she gives to you to send to him.
2) Agree to transparent honesty. She used her cell phone to carry on the affair so it is non-negotiable that she voluntarily give you access to her phone and phone records (via giving you the passwords or showing you), that she voluntarily allow you to access her email, and that she voluntarily give you ways to confirm her honesty. Likewise you offer her the same. Let her see you phone, your emails, and access your PC. Let her confirm your actions. If she says it's a violation of privacy--no. Don't fall for it. "Privacy" is closing the door when you go to the bathroom or when you change clothing; it's modesty. "SECRECY" is hiding the true you, what you're truly doing, and who you're doing it with. There can be a place for privacy in a marriage, but there is no place for SECRECY!!
3) Commitment to work on her personal issues and the marriage issues to build the happy, loving relationship she wants--while you also agree to commit to working on YOUR personal issues and the marriage issues that lead to this. The idea here is that she won't blame it all on you and you won't blame it all on her; you will look at yourself and she will look at herself and be willing to admit that she has some work to do!
So require those three things: 1) No Contact, 2) Transparent Honesty, and 3) Commitment. If she is not willing to do these things then she NEEDS to experience the natural consequences of her choices to be unfaithful. She needs to realize she has no place to live and the OM isn't going to supply her with one! She needs to realize that the children are going to be told the truth. This is the loving thing to do so she can grow and mature, and learn that infidelity comes with a cost.
Okay?