I didn't cheat. How can I make her believe me.
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-01-2010, 04:40 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy I didn't cheat. How can I make her believe me.

Ok let me first go ahead and say I did every single thing I could do wrong, wrong in this scenario. I have been marreid 8 years this year. Like all marriages there have been rough patches but for the most part we were the people everyone thought were the fairytale couple.

Until my son was born. My wife was my world. Well the baby of course took time away from me and her and I got upset. Irrational but I am telling you people everything. So I went on one of those cam websites and essentially paid one of the girls to talk. Never even saw her with her clothes off. So I ended up spending a lot of money. Told my wife about it and it was rough but we worked through it and got back to ehat we were before.

Until 4 days ago. That is when I did ALMOST everything wrong. My wife took my son ( now 3 ) on vacation. I never wanted her to leave. I cried that day. I joked I was going to go to a strip club. Much to my surprise she said go ahead but 30$ is your limit. Well Thursday night she was driving home and was going to be home the next day. I though I have NEVER in my life been to a strip club I want to go. I thought she would be mad. So I call her and tell her I am going to the movies. ( She was on speaker and her mom was in the car ). So I decide ok let me go. So I set it up to meet some guys I met online there. So I get there I am terrified because I am shy. So I drink out by my car. SO now I am good and buzzed.

Well I go in and girls are everywhere. So I am doing great and not really spending much money. However I was sure I would spend over 30$ because cover is 15 and there is a drink minimum. So then this one girl walks up and we go back to get a dance. So I come back out to the guys and about 30 or 40 min later same girl comes back. I say sure. I come out. My wife sends me a text message asking how is the movie and she is going bed. Not knowing what to say I opt to not reply. So I go back for one more dance with the same girl. Spend 200$.

I freak out. Of course like they do the girl sold me on the fantasy that I was sweet etc. However I did nothing other than get lap dances. This I can promise you. Where it is done is in a back area with a bouncer outside and girls constantly walking by with other men. So next day. My wife tells me she will be home an hour after I get home from work. Me still freaked about the money Xfer some 401k in to cover the money. So I am trying to figure out how to tell my wife all this. So I am thankful I have an hour. Well when I get home guess who has been there for hours to surprise me. Yup. Now guess who was caught off guard and not pleased to see her.

So after about an hour she says ok something is wrong. So I tell her that I went to the strip club. She is caught off guard and of course asks why I lied I told her I wasn't sure if it was really ok etc. So things calm down. So later she looks at me and says there is something. She feels I cheated. Something is bothering me. So I blurt. Ok I did not cheat. I am nervous though. Why? I say because I spent more money than 30. So I tell her 200$ she leaves. Baby is crying I get him dressed and she comes back so we can all go for a ride for him to go to sleep.

Well by the end of the night she is ok. I am like WHEW at least she understands. Fast forward to next day. She is livid. She says she is sure I cheated because I spent so much and snuck around. So I am in tears. She cannot believe that is simply because I am stupid. So I try and convince her. I say I will take a lie detector. She says no people can beat lie detectors. Yes TRAINED CIA AGENTS BEAT LIE DETECTORS!! I of course do not say that. So I recount the entire night all the way back to me leaving work that day backwards. She says that people stumble if there are lies. So that night was rough. I completely understand her situation. I seem like a liar. She just doesn't realize it was the $$$ that freaked me out. So next day started off OK but she told her mother everything. Her mother has always disliked me and her advice was to cheat on me to get even. Her mothers boyfriend did not make matters better and told her that men make mistakes etc etc and that any man would cheat in those circumstances. Thanks a lot for lumping me in with your cheating ass. #@$@#$@#

So yesterday was pretty bad and I find out she has been cheated on before by her ex. He said and did all the same things. Which sucks for me because I kept it in my pants. So she says for me to wait 6 months for intercourse from her and pass a HIV test. I am fine with this because when you do nothing. there is no chance of anything. How can I make her believe me though? I want back what we had and what we had is quickly slipping away BECAUSE she thinks I cheated. I have offered to have our mutual friend we both like to tell her all I told him etc.. etc..

I am sorry this is so extremely long but I am at wits end.

Last edited by Stargazer34683; 11-01-2010 at 04:47 PM. Reason: Misspelling primarily. Wording it better also.
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Old 11-01-2010, 05:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat. How can I make her believe me.

Um, you kinda did cheat. But you sure didn't get your money's worth and you gave your wife an excuse to have a pass because her mom tells her to do so?

You need to straighten up your life. Can you and your wife see a marriage counselor and fix this?
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Old 11-01-2010, 05:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat. How can I make her believe me.

Quite true. I did cheat. I just didn't do what she thinks I did. I would be willing to try of course by all means. Thank you for pointing that out BTW. I do admit what I did and that it was in no means acceptable. I mean it probably would have been if I was honest in the first place. Thank you very much for your reply.

P.S. I just noticed the part about me giving her a pass. Nooooooo I didn't give her a pass to do that. I wasn't there when mom told her all that. She told me the next day. That would be even worse than what I did. Especially since she would actually be doing more than what i did.
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Old 11-01-2010, 05:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat. How can I make her believe me.

Didn't saw you overtly gave her a pass. You gave her an excuse to have a pass because her own mother told her to go for it based on what she told her.

The whole road to ruin is paved with bad decisions.
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Old 11-01-2010, 05:38 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat. How can I make her believe me.

Yeah. I sure am learning that. It was just error after error for me in this situation. Usually I am the guy that buys her flowers and all that. I think that is one reason why this is so much of a issue. It is out of charachter for me so it is an even bigger betrayal. I apologize for taking everyones times and believe me I understand the magnitude of the error of my ways. I think I was so caught up in the fact that I did not have any intercourse that I failed to see the picture in it's entirety. I am willing to build back the trust brick by brick as long as it takes. It took forever for me to get her to open up to me all those years ago. I have patience. It is just the fact that she believes I had intercourse makes it harder. I think if it was the lying alone I would easily be able to resolve and overcome but due to past infidelities by others my path is mountainous at the get go.

PS. Thank you once again for your response. It is appreciated.

Last edited by Stargazer34683; 11-01-2010 at 05:39 PM. Reason: Post script.
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Old 11-01-2010, 05:59 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat. How can I make her believe me.

Putting myself in your shoes I would say I didn't cheat , but putting myself in your wifes shoes this is cheating but not in a physical way . I'm sorry you feel so bad but I would divorce a husband for doing this regardless of whether we were going through a bad patch or not. strip clubs are disrespectful to your spouse in my opinion .
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Old 11-01-2010, 06:10 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat. How can I make her believe me.

Did I forget to mention that it was actually her idea for me to go in the first place? I had never thought of going in one before she mentioned it a week before she left. I am one of the few guys that didn't even hold a bachelor party. I do understand your point of view and it is a valid one. Thank you very much for your input.
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Old 11-01-2010, 06:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat. How can I make her believe me.

I would say that your best bet is to own up to what you did, and dig deep. Talk about how you understand how inappropriate it was to get repeated lapdances ( My H doesn't get them at all, only I do at this point). Tell her you know that you screwed up and hurt her, and you want to make your marriage work. Ask her if she does as well. Then talk about boundaries. Honestly, I am okay with the hubby going to a strip club whenever, but the stripper I fell in love with is off limits LOL. That, and we agreed that for now, he won't get lapdances. I can get them with him there watching (for his amusement) and perhaps when more time has passed he can as well. He is okay with taking it at my pace.

Talk about how you feel a little neglected since baby came, and that you think you guys need to put a concentrated effort back into your relationship. Its hard with small ones, but it can be done.

As long as you take responsibility for your actions and show that you know what you did was wrong and you know WHY it was wrong, then I think things will go smoothly from there. She may need time to heal, but I think you will be able to move forward.
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Old 11-01-2010, 11:16 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat. How can I make her believe me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stargazer34683 View Post
Did I forget to mention that it was actually her idea for me to go in the first place? I had never thought of going in one before she mentioned it a week before she left.
Just because it was mentioned doesn't mean it's a free pass. The same situation is common with military marriages (one or both spouses), but applies to any relationship when distance becomes an issue. When one starts to feel like the time for distance is getting close, they start feeling uneasy and scared. Sometimes they start fights, and other times they suggest things in hopes of getting some reassurance in return. Couples that fight before the distance starts are attempting to distance themselves emotionally, so the physical distance doesn't hurt as bad and is in balance. Sometimes they suggest ideas like this because it is what they are fearful of, or because they want to know you won't act differently when they are gone (by not taking part in the suggested activity).

It's much more of a subconscious thing than anything premeditated. Its so common in the military that they specifically talk about it, and give examples of what not to do (and we'd always see a few people do it). It may have been "her idea" but in the end your actions are the only thing that can be blamed. No matter if you viewed this as cheating or not, it's not your interpretation that matters here. As long as she feels like you cheated, you cheated. Disagreeing in any way right now will be seen as hostile. I can't agree more with the suggestions on having a talk about boundaries. Once the healing process has begun, you can discuss how your views differ on this subject.
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Old 11-02-2010, 12:52 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat. How can I make her believe me.

I think you were both equally at fault for this situation. Her for suggesting it and you for going. She may be angry about your lying and spending the money but she was as foolish as you were to encourage you to do this. What did she think went on in strip clubs? Why did she bring up such a thing, its crazy to me. It's almost as if she set you up because what woman would suggest such a thing to her husband. You can avoid future missteps by using you own common sense. You have so use it. You should have called her on at the time she said it.

You must stop beating your self up. Everyone makes mistakes even foolish and serious mistakes, you may not see other peoples mistakes but they make them. I am supposed to be intelligent but I have make some really stupid mistakes. I stayed stuck in self blame for a short time but I used my realization of my mistakes as an opportunity to grow.
I think your wife should share in the blame, but I don't know how you shoul bring this up to her. I would take advice from someone with experience in the field of relationships. I think you need to have a script when you talk to her. I wish the very best of luck.
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Last edited by Catherine602; 11-06-2010 at 05:27 PM.
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Old 11-02-2010, 02:41 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat. How can I make her believe me.

I thank you all for your posts! They have been very helpful to see different viewpoints on the issue. I fortunately owned up to my actions and am taking it day by day. Each day since the event seems to be a little better. Today so far has been pretty good. I understand it will take time. However I am encouraged by her behavior in small ways. Just small things. Her smiling for one, her kidding with me, holding my hand. Calling me you cheater in a joking manner.

These are all small but they are positive. So I don't know how to prove I did not have intercourse. Really isn't a way honestly. So I will just do as she wants and wait three months and submit to STD test. I think since I know it will be negative that would be a positive step to show my commitment. Hopefully the fact I test clean on everything will ease her mind a bit.

I don't think it was a trap or a test. At least not in the traditional sense. My wife has always suggested things like that, I just never took her up on them before. The lying was the biggest issue and the fact I wasn't open. As for the blame well I agree. In almost every case there are two sides to an issue. I mean not in the fact that she made me go or anything like that but that I didn't feel I could be honest. In my fear I acted like the guys I always shook my head at. In a way it makes me understand a new side I guess. Thank you all for your answers. I appreciate all of them.

I will try and come back in a few days or week and keep posting what is going on. Nothing annoys me more on boards like this then never knowing what happened. It is the way of things unfortunately and if I forget I apologize. When something is wrong we go and search out help. However when everything is fine we try and forget about it. Thank you all for your patience.
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Old 11-05-2010, 08:07 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat. How can I make her believe me.

Well just an update. It has been a week since I was an idiot. We are still on rocky ground. I think that is understandable regarding what happened. Even if I did not have intercourse my mind and intentions were definitely not where they should be. We have talked about it and my wife pointed out things I would never have considered. So long story short we are still not healed but are working on it. I have been writing her letters every day and I talk about it when she wants too. I have not gone the traditional route of flowers. I always felt that when purchased only for apologies they are hollow and meaningless. So when we get a bit better I will do as I always have done and surprise her with them when she is having a good day. I thank you all for your responses, Reading them was most helpful. I apologize to all of you for my ignorance when I first posted. I never understood the emotional aspect and you people were most helpful. I see no strip clubs in my future which is fine. I never went to one before and the thrill is not worth the price either with my partner or monetarily.

P.S. My wife has not mentioned it recently but I still plan on getting the STD test for her. It is something she originally asked for and I feel it important to honor her requests.

Last edited by Stargazer34683; 11-05-2010 at 08:11 PM.
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Old 11-06-2010, 04:55 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat. How can I make her believe me.

Um, why would you need an STD test if you didn't take your pants off at the strip club? What else is going on?
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Old 11-06-2010, 05:02 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I didn't cheat. How can I make her believe me.

Simple. The wife thinks if you spend that much then something is happening there. So if it will make her feel better I will take it. Basically her ex before me lied, cheated and slept with anything. So I went to the strip club never had intercourse of any kind. However because of what happened to her with her ex she feels she needs to be sure. I don't blame her. We all bring our past experiences with us. Do I want to take it? No but not out of fear. More like great. No sex for three months. If it will make her happy and put it behind us though Ok.
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