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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-04-2012, 07:35 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: His Affair Has Destroyed Me

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Originally Posted by Eli-Zor View Post
Cool down ; stop blaming his wife . He is as much to blame for the issues in the marriage as his wife is and involving you directly or indirectly under whatever guise is an excuse for him to make his wife even worse.

Whatever words you choose or innocent involvent you say you had with him , he was a married man and you his OW . Thus whether you like it or not you had a lot to do with his marriage falling apart.
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Oh yeah.
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Old 03-04-2012, 11:48 PM   #32 (permalink)
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You obviously didn't read what I said either. I don't believe I was innocent at all. However, their marriage was a wreck long before I came along. Yes, he should have been "man enough" to stand up to her and tell her the issues and end his marriage before getting involved with me at all. And yes, I should have been considerate and respectful to remove myself when I realized he and I were having feelings. I know we were selfish and our actions hurt people. We have lived with the consequences of that. I also know I was the reason it finally ended for good, regardless of how bad it was already.

But I have a couple questions...
--Do you think it is better to stay in a loveless, unintimate, unhappy, miserable marriage, constantly fighting in front of the children for the sake of marriage and the children?

-- Do you think he and I should not be together now simply because our relationship started out of a sin?

These are genuine questions, questions I have pondered for over a year...
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Old 03-05-2012, 06:25 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: His Affair Has Destroyed Me

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You obviously didn't read what I said either. I don't believe I was innocent at all. However, their marriage was a wreck long before I came along. Yes, he should have been "man enough" to stand up to her and tell her the issues and end his marriage before getting involved with me at all. And yes, I should have been considerate and respectful to remove myself when I realized he and I were having feelings. I know we were selfish and our actions hurt people. We have lived with the consequences of that. I also know I was the reason it finally ended for good, regardless of how bad it was already.

But I have a couple questions...
--Do you think it is better to stay in a loveless, unintimate, unhappy, miserable marriage, constantly fighting in front of the children for the sake of marriage and the children?

-- Do you think he and I should not be together now simply because our relationship started out of a sin?

These are genuine questions, questions I have pondered for over a year...
Again, you know what you have been told about that M. It is very common for the cheater to tell his OW that the M is horrible to justify his extramarital relationship with her. Please look up the term Affair Fog. Knowing what that means and how that works will help you understand how deeply a person can fool themselves about what is real and what is not. Even when the M is bad, having an A is not the way to deal with that issue. The way to handle a bad marriage is to work on it, or end it honestly, and you have indicated that you already know this. Your chance of having a successful relationship with an AP are very poor, somewhere in the range of 3% to 10% depending on what study you site. There is a book called Surprised by Love that is written by a therapist who had an A that resulted in a D. It clearly outlines the thinking process that go's on in the mind of the cheater to allow him to betray his spouse. This couple was able to reconnect once his head began to clear, and the OW was out of the picture. It may help you to read this book, It is the best one I've read on how the Affair Fog develops. The authors are Dr Jay and Julie Kent Ferraro. This book is also a very good guide on how to build a lasting relationship based on genuine love and respect.
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Old 03-05-2012, 02:19 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by oaksthorne View Post
Again, you know what you have been told about that M. It is very common for the cheater to tell his OW that the M is horrible to justify his extramarital relationship with her. Please look up the term Affair Fog. Knowing what that means and how that works will help you understand how deeply a person can fool themselves about what is real and what is not. Even when the M is bad, having an A is not the way to deal with that issue. The way to handle a bad marriage is to work on it, or end it honestly, and you have indicated that you already know this. Your chance of having a successful relationship with an AP are very poor, somewhere in the range of 3% to 10% depending on what study you site. There is a book called Surprised by Love that is written by a therapist who had an A that resulted in a D. It clearly outlines the thinking process that go's on in the mind of the cheater to allow him to betray his spouse. This couple was able to reconnect once his head began to clear, and the OW was out of the picture. It may help you to read this book, It is the best one I've read on how the Affair Fog develops. The authors are Dr Jay and Julie Kent Ferraro. This book is also a very good guide on how to build a lasting relationship based on genuine love and respect.
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Old 03-05-2012, 02:26 PM   #35 (permalink)
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I will definitely say, everything I've felt for my actions has changed significantly after reading all of the stuff through the posts on here. I feel worse and like such an even bigger piece of sh**! I have felt so much guilt and remorse for my actions and did "justify" it a lot and realize now that doesn't mean anything or change anything. I had an epiphany a couple weeks ago about how I would have felt if I were her. Regardless of how bad their marriage was, to hear your husband cheated on you and your whole world was ripped out from under you is the scariest most horrible thing to go through. I have apologized to her several times and I know it doesn't matter and I don't expect her to ever forgive me. I don't deserve forgiveness. I know I did an absolute horrible act and was beyond selfish, but I'm not a horrible person. I, too, was very lost after my marriage ended and was not myself. There is NO excuse for what I did. I am so sorry to all on here who have been betrayed and I'm sorry that I was one of those women!!! I truly am sorry. Thank you for your brutal honesty. I NEED to be put in my place and it shouldn't be sugar coated. I don't wish this on anyone and if anyone is on her contemplating an affair, I highly discourage it. It is the worst feeling ever to hurt someone, whether you know them or not, no matter how horrible they are. I didn't even come close to treating her, him, their children anywhere how I would want to be treated. I'm so ashamed of my actions. If I could change what I did, I would. I'm sorry.
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Old 03-05-2012, 03:24 PM   #36 (permalink)
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The answer is easy , dump him and go no contact permanently. Anything action less than that says you have no intention of taking the right road to recover yourself .

As for him , as willing as he was to cheat on his wife he should be as willing to face the music. Time for him to man up and face his responsibilities without having you as his backup plan.
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Last edited by Eli-Zor; 03-05-2012 at 03:37 PM.
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Old 03-05-2012, 03:36 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Default Re: His Affair Has Destroyed Me

I love a classic cat fight, the twist that this one is happening in a zombie thread is epic! Gives it that "Hip, Trendy, Tarrintino bend"... "Two thumbs way up!!!"... "Bravo!"... "Sure to be a cult classic!!"
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Old 03-05-2012, 03:49 PM   #38 (permalink)
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This is so old and over. They've been apart for almost a year now and divorced and he and I live together and are happy and she's moved on. Like I said posts ago, they are better co-parents than they were married. He did face the music of his wife for 6 months. Went through all the stages of answering every detailed question and giving up his phone and passwords to everything. They went to MC for 6 months and the counselor finally told her to divorce him because there was no hope for them. They weren't in love or happy and were destroying the kids with their fighting in front of them.
I've said my peace and now I'm going to move forward and stop bothering everyone here. I made the mistake, I've been told how serious a mistake I made and I accept it. Because of who I am, I will never forgive myself for the way my relationship became. But he and I are happy and she has even told him, if you love her and she makes you happy, you should be with her. They've fought enough and accepted how miserable they were.

Good luck to everyone on here and again, I am so sorry for being one of those people who were too selfish to just do the right thing.
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