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Paralyzed by indecision.

150K views 583 replies 98 participants last post by  weightlifter 
#1 ·
Since going into details would consume and ungodly amount of time and energy let me just ask the following;

How do I combat an Emotional Affair?

How do I get her to admit to rug sweeping?

How do I combat the situation with the affair underground?

How do I get her to realize the damage that she has done?

Am I willing to kill the relationship between us? - Yes

Do I want to? - No

Yes, Kids are involved.

No, It has not gone Physical, but I cannot disprove phone sexting.

I am the bread winner.

She refuses to go transparent at all.

She insists he no longer feels in love with her nor her with him. (Details on this if asked can be provided)

She still has him as a FB Friend, but a hidden one and has removed me from her list.

When I asked to see her phone I got derailed by lame excuses, one such as she needs to trust me (WTF?) and was swiftly distracted by her engaging in physical intimacy, a classic maneuver.

After utilizing several tactics have caught her telling lies about what they talked about or what she has told him about what has happened around here since I threatened to kick her out. Hint, Liars cannot re-tell stories based on lies due to no foundation for the memory to latch onto nor can she tell the story backwards. When tasked by this she gets completely flustered and doesn't remember.

And the classic line, "I need to find myself" .

I need some advice from some seasoned veterans, please fire away, hold nothing back. And if by chance there are any ladies lurking, let me know from a woman's perspective.
 
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#2 ·
#4 ·
She still has him as a FB Friend, but a hidden one and has removed me from her list.
Her defriending you while keeping him as a friend says it all when it comes to showing you how little respect that she has for you. Among the young, defriending someone in FB is what you do when you breakup with them. This coupled with her not giving you full and immediate access to her phone, shows that she is picking her affair partner (AP) over you. If you allow this disrespect to stand, you will lose her in the end anyways.

You must be willing to end your relationship to have a chance at having a relationship worth saving. She must agree to full no contact (NC) and full transpancy without complaints. Full transpancy includes access to all passwords, accounts, devices and phones. Do not beg to get this. She either does it or you take actions to end the relationship. Because you have let her get away with it so far, she may call your bluff. It cannot be a bluff, as in your heart you must be willing to end it to save it. Once she sees that it is not a bluff she may change her mind, but do not forgive or take her back too easy. If she does not beg to come back, then your relationship with her was over already, but now you know and can move on with your life. Good luck and be strong.
 
#5 ·
The advice as you may well suspect, is to start the divorce process and implement the 180 to detach from her. Make an exit plan.

One of the consequences to her is complete transparency. You can't accept any thing less. Period.

One other is exposure. To her family, your family and to the OM's SO or wife.

If she turns around, you can consider delaying the D, but not until you're satisfied that she is completely remorseful and willing to accept all due consequences.

There you go: advice just as concise as your own description.

Keep posting.
 
#6 ·
Sounds like my story in 2010. My wife would not come clean with anything unless I had proof and even with proof she would lie and lie and it got old.

I was told by a counselor that I went to at the time that my wife would not change and that she will do it again and if the guy was local it would go PA. It happened within a year as my counselor predicted and he never met my wife.

I knew nothing of TAM, the 180 or anything else you will find here.

I would suggest if you want to save your marriage you will need to be willing to lose it. It is risky, but brother, you could lose it no matter what you do or don't do.

Your wife is manipulating you, lying, hiding, rugsweeping, etc. All things my wife did in 2010.

I would start the 180 big time. It will seem counter intuitive but it has worked for many in that you focus on yourself.

I would also expose this. Don't tell your wife. Exposure does not always work, but it is (IMO) the # 1 tool we have to use to end an affair.

The "I need to find myself", is in my mind another way of saying, I have another man in my life and you are not that man. Frankly it is a B.S. way of telling you to go pound sand while she tries to figure out whether she wants you or the OM, or perhaps has already decided and does not know how to tell you it is over.
 
#9 ·
With exception of a mass Facebook post to all exposure has taken place with all of her Family members. In fact, I have some of them calling me for support as the situation has been circulated among themselves.

I have her parents quiet support to do whatever I need to do, and if you knew her father this was very alleviating since he can be rather intimidating. There is only one place for her to go really and without any ego or machoism's I do have the ability to get her out of my house, since she said I'd have to force her out, with just a simple phone call.

And on a side note I'd like to ask the internet community a little question;

If your wife sends another man an E-mail in secret stating verbatim "Were having a girl, I guess things do happen for a reason" What would you draw from that?
 
#10 ·
If your wife sends another man an E-mail in secret stating verbatim "Were having a girl, I guess things do happen for a reason" What would you draw from that?
What I would think: She's preggers.
Did you know about this?
 
#13 ·
Unfortunately this was discovered years ago, after another Emotional affair with her ex boyfriend and although she insisted nothing happen, nor have I been able to find definitive proof otherwise, this statement has since haunted me since I read it. Regardless, this girl, my daughter, needed (needs) a father and at the time I was unable or unwilling to do anything that would or could damage this girls upbringing. I do know that they spent the day together, at least once.
 
#14 ·
Since going into details would consume and ungodly amount of time and energy let me just ask the following;

How do I combat an Emotional Affair?

How do I get her to admit to rug sweeping?

How do I combat the situation with the affair underground?

How do I get her to realize the damage that she has done?remember.
Tell her you want her to move out and that you will be filing for divorce.

That will do one of two things.

1) She agrees and gets out, therefore signaling she wants that too.

or

2) It will scare the crap out of her and she will stop the rug sweeping and possibly the affair.

But be willing to carry through if number one becomes the choice.
 
#15 ·
"If your wife sends another man an E-mail in secret stating verbatim "Were having a girl, I guess things do happen for a reason" What would you draw from that?"

Impossible to know for sure without more info.

I assume you knew she was pregnant.

She could be sharing details from your life with the POS.

How certain are you it has not been a PA?

Because one take on this is she is informing him about THEIR situation since she uses the term 'we'.

And the last part of the message is truly cryptic.

If it has gone PA, it could be her telling him that the pregnancy is a sign they are meant to be together.

A person would need to know more of the conversation to understand her point if she is referring to YOUR M with the 'we'.
 
#17 ·
Come on internet community, get me fired up. And to say the least you all don't even know the half of it.

On yet another side note, should I call this guys mother and tell her what's going on. BTW, Her current emotional affair is separate from the POS in regards to the whole POSSIBLE baby daddy theory. I am not in denial at all, as I have never got a logical answer as to why she felt it necessary to let her ex, then current emotional AP, know that we are having a girl.
 
#18 ·
Get your daughter genetically tested to determine paternity. You can still be her dad if that what you want, but you should know the truth.

And don't rely on your wife for the truth - you won't get it from her.

How many years are you willing to put up with this? It's the not the first time and it won't be the last. You can huff and puff all you want but unless you pull the plug - 'for reals' - things won't change.

You need to cut her loose and see if she's willing to come back to you for the right reasons. Chances are she won't - but wouldn't you like to know that now rather than 12 years from now?
 
#20 ·
1) You can love and raise your daughter a single male. You dont have to live with this bull**** to be a part of your daughters life
2) Start reading 180. If your wife wants to be married to you, she will abide by these super simple requests. No passwords, no facebook, no girls nights out, no being alone with dudes. I mean cmon, this is basic marriage 101.
3) You need broader exposure. Yes, expose to this guys mom. I would expose this to everyone and anyone in both of your lives.
4) With the 180, start with D papers, show them to her with a list of what she must do to EARN you back. Then leave and dont talk to her until she does. If she signs the papers, great, you are free of this 2xing wh0re. If she concedes, great, you get to work on your marriage. If she does nothing, you file after a set amount of time.
 
#22 ·
I must yet again be clear, I am not afraid to do what I have to do. In fact, I work myself up in quite the fury frequently about this.

Alas though there is that "but", and not the kind that I like. Since the semi-ultimatum she has admitted things and opened up about herself unlike any other times. This is not to say that she has changed or is reconciling. It could even be a smoke screen for delay. I will admit that she had a real eff'ed up childhood, although it is no excuse for her behavior.

And truth be told, It is hard to accept that it was another man that I was chosen over. Had she made it clear about wanting to move on without marital intrusion, an invited one at that, I'd probably have been a little hurt, asked for another try to fix things and if it didn't work out so be it.

One month before she met this idget we talked about how though things are tough we have a strong family. Little did I know otherwise. The silver lining though is that since I was able to go thru my withdrawal from my emotional connection from her I was able to see things more clearly. I was taken for granted, gaslit for years about all topics, emotionally abused and treated like a paycheck with a pulse.

She treated our children during this recent ordeal, pre semi-ultimatum, like crap. Afterschool activity's were not attended, meals were not properly prepared, the house was not taken care of, and yes, I do the dishes and laundry. almost primariliy at that. The most disturbing part though is that she sent them to bed at 5:30 pm one night and even though my 11 and 15 year old confirmed this she swears that this is untrue.
 
#25 ·
Get the book "Surviving an Affair". It has a good plan of how to work through this. It does not matter if she admits anything. What matters are the boundaries you set in place for yourself.

And I agree, get your daughter dna tested. She might now be yours.
 
#26 ·
We do need more info. Children's ages, length of last affair, where does the other man live in relation to you, etc.

Where were you when she puts children to bed a 5:30?

If she doesn't want to reconcile why haven't you told her to move out?

Divorce and custody laws are different in different states, what state do you live in?

Is she a stay at home mom?

Second affair for her equals serial cheater, not much hope here, she HAS to go to individual counseling.

BTW, her remark about the baby girl may have meant she would have to stay with you now. But it could have meant a lot of different things. Getting a DNA test doesn't mean you would not be her dad. Have you checked blood types, that can eliminate some possibilities?
 
#28 ·
Children are 15 (From a previous relationship, but he lives with me), 11, 7 & 6

Last affair was back in 2006-2007, about 8 months, 2 confirmed meetings, one for a day and unknown for the other, although it was when she was at work while he visited.

The current egghead lives in Simi Valley, Cal

I was at work when she put the children to bed at 5:30. I Have finally been able to get a shift change from second to first shift, in an effort to spoil the fun and better reconcile.

She seems to want to reconcile, but in her own "Way" which is BS. No transparency, Will not engage in NC and takes no initiative in talking about what happened.

I live in Connecticut, which can be a hell hole in regards to fathers or men in general, trust me I've seen it many times.

She was a stay at home mom, by her request BTW, and in fact was resistant in returning to work.
 
#30 ·
...She seems to want to reconcile, but in her own "Way" which is BS. No transparency, Will not engage in NC and takes no initiative in talking about what happened....
This type of "reconciliation" is called cake-eating and rug-sweeping.

Take your right hand and feel inside your pants to see if you have what it'll take to do what's needed. No need in proceeding if there's nothing there.
 
#29 ·
I have also read surviving an affair, which was a rarity since I hardly read. This is where some of the confusion sets in, and deception. Soon after the "I Want out" (But not wanting to move out of course) she went and bought some books, one was SAA, another was based on past and present (A relationship book), "When good people have affairs" {Which I thought was implicitly making excuses for this type of behavior} and the last book was titles "Reconnecting" a reconciliation book.

Now there may or may not have been a subliminal aspect to these selections. How to survive this ordeal, how to get over the past and then fix the future, and her perception of being a good person. Sounds great, except I found the receipt and presto, the other book, "Divorce for Dummies". Talk about confused indeed.
 
#32 ·
I began to note the rugsweeping bit and wrote it down. Not wanting to hide anything I left it out so as not to hide my feelings. She was none too pleased upon discovery, called me at work, ranted for a bit and then wrote something herself and then threw the paper away as for me not to see it.

It said (Says)" Take your rugsweeping and go Eff yourself, I've dealt with all of your ups & downs, listened to all of your feelings. We can go back to Separated (We haven't been really) if that's how you feel about our reconciliation. Fake as Sh1t, that's all I am to you huh.

This was impressed into the paper underneath where she wrote this, must have been pissed off to press that hard.
 
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#33 ·
The note-to-note gambit is jr high stuff. You need to gather yourself... pull the 180 for yourself (see my sig line for the 180 steps)

See a lawyer. Don't let her know about your intentions. From this point forward, you need to think of yourself. Be confident, don't engage her in "us" talk. Don't be moody or sullen - no shouting, cursing, etc.

Work on yourself. Exercise, eat right, get yourself in order. Plan on nights out for yourself or just for you and your kids. Don't bad-mouth her to your kids.

It can be done. You can do it. But you need resolve.
 
#36 ·
Man, you are scared sh!tless. Stop with all the redundant questions to distract your focus away from what it is you need to do. If you have actually read all that was recommended then you have an idea as to what that is. The only way to know if it works is to implement it. The good people here will help you fine tune it as you go, but you need to act. What you have been doing isn't working.
 
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