Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Paralyzed by indecision.

150K views 583 replies 98 participants last post by  weightlifter 
#1 ·
Since going into details would consume and ungodly amount of time and energy let me just ask the following;

How do I combat an Emotional Affair?

How do I get her to admit to rug sweeping?

How do I combat the situation with the affair underground?

How do I get her to realize the damage that she has done?

Am I willing to kill the relationship between us? - Yes

Do I want to? - No

Yes, Kids are involved.

No, It has not gone Physical, but I cannot disprove phone sexting.

I am the bread winner.

She refuses to go transparent at all.

She insists he no longer feels in love with her nor her with him. (Details on this if asked can be provided)

She still has him as a FB Friend, but a hidden one and has removed me from her list.

When I asked to see her phone I got derailed by lame excuses, one such as she needs to trust me (WTF?) and was swiftly distracted by her engaging in physical intimacy, a classic maneuver.

After utilizing several tactics have caught her telling lies about what they talked about or what she has told him about what has happened around here since I threatened to kick her out. Hint, Liars cannot re-tell stories based on lies due to no foundation for the memory to latch onto nor can she tell the story backwards. When tasked by this she gets completely flustered and doesn't remember.

And the classic line, "I need to find myself" .

I need some advice from some seasoned veterans, please fire away, hold nothing back. And if by chance there are any ladies lurking, let me know from a woman's perspective.
 
See less See more
#131 ·
No, they did not meet. This is/was an online emotional affair and he lived on the West Coast, us on the Northeast. Of course there is the extremely small percentage of possibility that I am waiting to bite me in the a55 that they met up, if even for a couple of hours.

Even though, so far, they never met it is the fact that her desire to do so that is deflating. I am past the self blame and stuff so that is not an issue. I am glad to see that certain aspects of our life did not make it to text form, but I cannot discount phone talking. Nothing seemed to be deleted but since I was unable to perform a thorough inspection... Listen to me, I sound like such a jackass.

Any who, it was, yet again, her ability to blend fantasy with reality. For example as I had noted in this thread before when I really started to push the obvious rugsweeping I wrote it down in a notepad to address later, she in turn noticed the writing in my absence and blew up and wrote me a very angry letter exclaiming her "How dare you" feelings while berating me for thinking she was fake. Well, duh!! You were!!.

The constant lying that finally surfaced by her showing me these texts. But ya know something, this still feels a little off. Even though it appeared there were no plans or plotting her sudden admission of this and openness really doesn't make much sense. I have been pushing for months, so why now. Well.

Call it paranoia but this past Saturday I noted something odd. We went out as a family and usually, since she always takes longer than the rest of us, I get the children loaded up first and wait for her. This time however when I asked for the keys to get into the van she was obviously hesitant and mentioned we could all go out together. This, after nearly 13 years of a routine seemed very strange. But whatever, right? We go to her moms and after we all get out of the van she locks the doors, something that she has never done there. They live in one of those small town kinda communities. We get to our social even thereafter and when we get home I try to take the van out to get a few things for the following day. She make's it a point to grab a purse, not the one she was using for the day, and take it inside. I mentioned her odd behavior and presto, she throws me a bone and lets me view her cell phone. What do you all think? Paranoia or was I onto something and got thrown off the trail?
 
#132 ·
J, you was given all the advice you needed, yet you are still clinging to this woman and dead marriage.

J, life is hard, and as grownup we sometime have to bite the bitter pill.
Earlier you said you could have her out of the house with 1 call.
MAKE THE CALL !!!!!!

It's pass time to detach from her. You have proven she will turn you with time, so your lil control now won't last.
How do I know this ?? She's still there.

DNA the daughter and tell her your'e doing it.

I know it useless giving you advice, but hopefully by now, youv'e had your fill.
 
#133 ·
She has a burner dude, or there was evidence of her having a hookup in that purse.

Since she works nights, she has probably found her a local AP

Looks like your life is going to get even more screwed.

She left that purse in the van from the night before right ? EVIDENCE was in it from the hookup.

When are you going to stop burying your head in the sand.
 
#137 ·
I already made the call and have a follow up appointment with a Lawyer I met back in February. The CALL that I mention is to DCF-CPS. For nearly 8 years my wife Mentally, Emotionally and in some cases Physically abused My eldest son from a previous relationship who lived with us full time due to his mother abandoning him. On 2 occasions He called DCF on her, or more accurately some one, a friend, assisted him in doing so since he was too scared. This gave way to hindsight and after hearing about what had happened past altercation's between her and him were viewed in a different light.

I'd prefer not to go into details but it was horrifying to say the least. Let this be an indication, her Blood father volunteered to take him in so he could remain in the area, and has been living there ever since. His siblings and I still see him, but very infrequently.

No, I am not placing My wife above him. In fact I have tried to get her into counseling while also looking for a way out. I have no family here, no life long friend to turn to and when I tried to get assistance from the state it was a huge waste of time. Since I have a prick I am SOL. At the time I too was emotionally abused but unable to recognize it due to years of indoctrination and gaslighting. Once this EA began to take hold I did detach and was able to see so much more than before. What I saw was an ostrich in human form. Me. I did not like it and for all I had tolerated over the years made me feel even more pathetic.

On the day I returned home from being away for a week and appalled at what my home and children's lifestyle became I answered her challenge of having to fight to get her out of the house by telling her that after all these years the truth will have its day and I can, and will, get her out. After Our eldest son reinforced his claim to being put down to bad, along with the others, at 5:30 pm, she angrily acknowledged her futility.

She began to reach for a razor knife for obvious reasons and I stopped her, but still, did not call the appropriate authorities. She relented and made clear that she was messed up and wrong. The next day I had full intentions of finishing the job but saw her vulnerable side. All the accusations she made against me were retracted, all her faults were brought up and she tearfully exclaimed her actions regarding what she did to her step son.

I decided at that point, in error I am sure, that what I had was someone who after years of abuse herself from both her parents, that resulted in her getting into drugs, her brother becoming an alcoholic and her youngest brother committing suicide that that I could not muster the ability to destroy another human who may have just been damaged and needed support and guidance.

But not all toys can be fixed now can they?!!
 
#135 ·
I agree with the guys above...the phone is a red herring....it sounds like she is throwing you off the chase....look local....investigate local..

think about it this way she was craving attach and this guy gave it too her, now she is not interested in him because he is not giving her the attention she needs...she found something or more to the point someone else...either else here but i suspect she had graduated to the next step....local.
 
#136 ·
think about it this way she was craving attach and this guy gave it too her, now she is not interested in him because he is not giving her the attention she needs...she found something or more to the point someone else...either else here but i suspect she had graduated to the next step....local.
When I step away from it all, not looking at it from my own experience as a BS, and I read the words above, I think to myself, "What happen? What happened to this women, this marriage, these two people, where did it all go wrong? Why is she hurting so much that she could be so hurtful to people she supposedly loved? How did she go so low? How could she hurt herself so much? Why do people do this stuff to each other? Look at the lives of others, why now do they have to suffer so ??"

It just goes to show how sad & fvck up people get themselves, there has to be a better way, a more honest way.

~sammy
 
#138 ·
She was hiding evidence in the car from you. So what?

You know she's not interested and willing to laugh at you. At this point, if she's not willing to move mountains, you should be moving HER to the spare bedroom until you can file for at least legal separation.

Wait a minute. You stood back while she abused your son, you protected her while CPS investigated her?! WTH, man?
 
#142 ·
No I did not just stand there, but I do not have a playbook for this crap. The first time DCF was involved we were living at her moms house. Sure I could have left but where pray tell was I to go. There are no financial assistance programs for men in Connecticut and what aid I could find claimed I made too much money. So yes, like many people out there I tried to get her to admit her faults and fix it but also looked at the bigger picture.

What could that be, well if I up and leave that leaves the other three I would have had to leave behind in her care, and subjected to the same treatment and neglect. By me staying and aware I was able to protect them as much as I could.

The difference now vs then is that I am finally in a position to break free and I am trying to accept that I must, shall, will destroy another persons life irrevocably. I am not trying to justify this, but I too, humiliation aside, was also emotionally abused. It was not until I stumbled here that I began to get the tools and knowledge to know I am not alone or crazy.
 
  • Like
Reactions: OldWolf57
#143 ·
J, you saw this was odd for her with the keys.
With her pass, there is no way I would not have pushed the issue, and told her how it seemed cagey that she didn't wanted you going to the van 1st. and any continued arguing just confirmed what you are thinking.

With women like this, it's just too much trouble always being on your toes.

If you truly have the means, get this woman out of your life man.
 
#144 ·
NOTE: You indcated 13 years.
15 years is often when mid term marriage becomes long term marriage and alimony term goes from (.33 - .50 marriage length) to (1x to lifetime alimony.)
 
#147 ·
Just saw your last post, and I commend you for your actions.

With you doing all for the kids and the house, you should be in a good position with DCF, but make no mistake,,, this is NOT a broken toy.
This is a broken woman, and the minute she knows you are shedding her, she's going ballistic. Count on it man.

Hell, I'm broken, but I know it and admit it, so keeping a firm hand on me is what I do.

Good Luck J, and God Bless you and the kids
 
#150 ·
Since this EA and the detachment thereafter I have kept detailed journals, revisited older materials and E-Mails, documented anything of merit, took pictures and kept anything of value.

If anything our eldest son has approached me telling me to get her out of the house as he too has had enough. Enough of her taking the kids money as if to save it then spend it. Of her ignoring them, of her playing a goddamn video game for hours, and I do mean hours on end. He misses his brother as he was, in hindsight, the one who provided for him and took care of him as well as the younger 2 whilst I was at work. The yelling, destruction and just outright neglect.

As for the fear of Connecticut thing, I only speak from experience. My Eldest sons mother, another winner (I Sure do know how to pick em) was scheduled to go to a court hearing for joint legal custody with me. She never showed and in 2 minutes time I was awarded sole custody. So whats the problem? Well, Not only was I not allotted child support I was also still obligated to pay for a few months due to "Incurred" bill and lifestyle she endured to support for him, I.E; A 2 bedroom apt and certain other bills.

With the memory still burned in place I do not look forward to my Wife full of tears to get away with whatever she wants from this. I worked too damn hard for those children just to have someone take them away from me out of some sense of public image who knows full well that she can't take care of them the way I do, the way they need to be.
 
#153 ·
No, I will not even try to live in an open marriage situation. However this week has been telling. It appears that she showed me the texts for the apparent purpose of wanting me to turn over all the evidence that I have gathered since this all started. I stood my ground and said no citing that she had months of trust to rebuild, she refused to accept this as anything but a way for me to control her even though I have done nothing to control her.

She also during this week attacked me during an argument, tried to hurt herself last night (yes, she will be going to the doctor today one way or another), made some extremely hurtful comments regarding this EA ( " I just finished myself off before you got home after being on the phone with him!") and said she kept him around as a contact in her phone and FB as 1) a way to piss me off since she was mad at me for all my marital faults and 2) in case our marriage went to hell she'd have a "friend" to talk to.

Needless to say, this is no way to live. I cannot be punished for working hard to raise a family nor should I have taken on both of our shares in household and marriage responsibilities. I did nothing wrong and although I too made mistakes, some over a decade ago, I should not be punished for them still.
 
  • Like
Reactions: bandit.45
#158 ·
Joker... Years from now, when one or more of your children is exhibiting personality disorders, substance abuse problems, can't hold down jobs, manage healthy relationships, etc... you are going to wish that you'd taken the opportunity to divorce your wife when you had the chance.
 
#159 ·
Gus, first off I must say everytime I read your posts I can hear John Candy talking, Awesome.

Update. She has agreed to see the therapist for her little suicide attempt the other night. But reasoning is she wants every and all material I have gathered since this has gone down that would incriminate her of adultery, child neglect, child abuse and other negative aspects.

She has even said she would withhold sex, an act of immaturity I must say, and claims she can't get past anything without the materials. Although tough, I have not given her anything nor will I and when her arguements are defeated logically she simply gets pissed off and shuts down.

Dare I say I am getting my mojo back. But is aint easy.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Q tip
#160 ·
If she brings up you handing over any of your evidence again, just remind her that this is one of the many reason why people shouldn't cheat on the one's that they supposedly love.

If she threatens suicide again, record it on your phone. Then tell her that you are worried that she may actually do it. That she needs professional help. Tell her that you are calling the police to have them take you to a hospital.

It's drastic, but if she's serious about killing herself and does attempt to, or worse. That call may end up saving her life.
 
#161 ·
Thats what I told her, I'd rather have an angry wife or ex-wife than a dead one. My opinion is that she has been hoovering all this time and waiting for the right time to make a move. Her showing me the texts was, or appears to be a hail marry attempt to quid pro quo me into releasing the materials over to her, and since I have not is only becoming more and more volatile.
 
#165 ·
First off, whats a Baker Act?

Second, I was able to fight off her advancements and attempts to get the goods, she threatened to even turn herself into the police as a preemptive and then balked when I said I'd even drive her there. I feel so good right now, I was finally able to say no, and not cave in.

Thanks guys, I hope this is the turning point of the wayward war. Still, It's like she has been taken over by aliens. Who the hell did I marry?
 
#168 ·
Oh trust me, she will not be getting anything back at all. It was, well, liberating. I mean, I wasn't afraid of this particular conflict, but I was feeling the heat. I kept hearing the whole "Since I showed you the texts you owe it to me to release the materials" statement. And I held. Goddammnit I held!!

After all these years I refused to even bend, and you know what, it felt pretty phuck!ng good too. Now she is offering everything over for review as if this was just a minor problem, hiccup of life. She supposedly has an appointment with the therapist this Wednesday for her personal issues.

I think when I finally accepted that her outlandish and violent behavior was not just her being a woman as society would have most men believe, but Domestic spousal abuse I think a minor, very minor, eureka moment happened. That I would not tolerate it anymore, tolerate mistreatment of our children or marriage she began to hesitate a little. Whoever said she'd cave seems to be spot on so far. Later yesterday night her demeanor reverted back to a more enjoyable mood and was likewise this morning.

But it's too early for cautious optimism, and it's time to keep pushing.

I feel good......After Months of feeling like I was losing the battle (Most due to my indecisions and inactions) I can say, I feel good.
 
#169 ·
Good for you!!! I don't care what the gender is... abuse is abuse and does NOT have to be tolerated!

Call it what it is and shine the light on it.... well done!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top