Well she got the papers today and for all the conflict I prepared myself for and/or anger came a very surprising response. She was numb, shocked and unable to discuss anything about it. Her hands were trembling as she sifted thru each page, only stating in redundant surprise about me seeking child support. I also believe seeing the lawyers watermark, the resident pitbull firm mind you, also hit home.
WHEW! I'm glad to hear that you are physically and emotionally safe (for the most part). I would caution you that this relative silence is unlikely to continue. My guess is that she was not expecting it, that she's in shock, and that she is basically just plotting her next move. One does not simply divorce an abuser--they will try to punish you in some way. So, again, I suggest you look over this page on my website to help you prepare:
Leaving an Abusive Spouse Checklist | AFFAIRCARE
Here are some additional pages for Men Who Are Abused:
Help for Abused Men: Escaping Domestic Violence by Women or Domestic Partners
Help for Battered Men
MenWeb Battered Men: On-line Resources
The last one is PARTICULARLY helpful!!
What next people; Do I keep the pedal to the metal and unleash holy hell or do I use diplomacy? If she is willing to do what is needed to fix this mess what is recommended?!!!!!
Joker, your wife actually reminds me of my exH a lot. He was diagnosed with Rapid-Cycling Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, and he was very physically, emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive. Like your wife, he continued for a couple years to hoover me back into trying to save the marriage and save the family while he ate cake. I was the one who actually filed for divorce after I discovered infidelity during false "R"...and here is what he did.
When he was served, he came to the house and deleted my harddrive (to try to delete any evidence) and he sat in the house screaming and would not leave. I asked him to leave 15 times, and when he still would not I began to say "I am picking up the phone to call 9-1-1. I am dialing 9-1-1. I am asking the police to come," and he tried to take the phone and then tried to strangle me with the phone cord. Then when the police did come, he literally RAGED at me that it was my fault he'd have a police record for domestic violence now...
I changed the locks, and he broke the window to open the lock. He came into the house and took a sledgehammer to the walls. He made threats. And when I would not budge and would not be intimidated, suddenly he became all nice and tried to hoover me in with flowers and promises he was "changed" and he would go do counseling. When I said "Fine, go to counseling and when I see you acting different I'll believe it--until then I think it's just another lie" he got mad. He lied to our friends about me. He lied to our business associates. He destroyed our company. He did everything in his power to make my life a living hell INCLUDING not paying one dime of child support until a judge ordered him to, AND he was made when I asked the judge for retroactive child support to the day the divorce was filed!!
Now, Joker, I don't know if your STBXW will do all that. She may not. She may do all of that and more--we have no way to tell. But what I can say is that I would advise you to mentally prepare for anything. Be prepared for the "worst case scenario" and then if that does not happen, anything else will be something you can handle.
I would guess that she will try every trick in the book to get back in control somehow. I would guess she'll try tears and maybe sex first, then some threats, then suicide, then actual violence. Have your heart ready to recognize that tears or sex are an attempt at control--that threats are just air projected through the larynx and lips and are not necessarily real--that suicide threats should involve an ambulance and hospital treatment (if she's serious) and honestly she's probably just trying to control you with it--and that violence may require you to go to a safe place. But DO NOT RELENT.
Regarding whether to "unleash holy hell or use diplomacy",it is my personal opinion that you should consider WHO YOU ARE and the kind of man you WANT TO BE, and then decide based on who you truly are whether you are the kind of man to unleash holy hell or use diplomacy. Do not decide based on how you've acted in the past, because we already know that guy was weak and under her thumb, right? He's not a good model. And do not decide based on what others tell you, because that is THEM...not YOU. This is about YOU and the man YOU ARE inside and the man you WANT TO BE.
Sooooo....do you want to be the kind of man who unleashes holy hell and has a scorched earth policy? Then cool--do that. Be ruthless, like the guy pursuing The Fugitive. Never give up--never surrender! Do you want to be the kind of man who is diplomatic? Then cool--do that. And when she is an unleashed Tasmanian Devil, you be Humphrey Bogart in Maltese Falcon--cool as a cucumber, but unaffected by her B.S.! You want to be fair? Cool--play it by the numbers, ask for everything you can but no more and no less, and don't budge.
My final words of advice for you would be to find ONE HILL you are willing to die on. In the end, divorce is costly. Even if she were to agree to all your terms (which I HIGHLY doubt she will) it will cost you in some way, and you will lose some things that are precious to you. That is what happens when you have to amputate your spouse! And in real life, many-most things are negotiable in the sense that you may want all the custody, all the house, all the fine china, and all the money, but you would be willing to give her the house and fine china as long as you get THE CUSTODY (as an example). Or you could agree to selling the house and splitting the equity, and selling the fine china and splitting the proceeds--but you will fight tooth and nail and dirty even for the HILL YOU"LL DIE ON. Get it? No one wants to lose their house, but in real life, life goes on whether you live there or some other house--as long as the kids are safe!
There are my thoughts! Hope some are helpful.