Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Paralyzed by indecision.

150K views 583 replies 98 participants last post by  weightlifter 
#1 ·
Since going into details would consume and ungodly amount of time and energy let me just ask the following;

How do I combat an Emotional Affair?

How do I get her to admit to rug sweeping?

How do I combat the situation with the affair underground?

How do I get her to realize the damage that she has done?

Am I willing to kill the relationship between us? - Yes

Do I want to? - No

Yes, Kids are involved.

No, It has not gone Physical, but I cannot disprove phone sexting.

I am the bread winner.

She refuses to go transparent at all.

She insists he no longer feels in love with her nor her with him. (Details on this if asked can be provided)

She still has him as a FB Friend, but a hidden one and has removed me from her list.

When I asked to see her phone I got derailed by lame excuses, one such as she needs to trust me (WTF?) and was swiftly distracted by her engaging in physical intimacy, a classic maneuver.

After utilizing several tactics have caught her telling lies about what they talked about or what she has told him about what has happened around here since I threatened to kick her out. Hint, Liars cannot re-tell stories based on lies due to no foundation for the memory to latch onto nor can she tell the story backwards. When tasked by this she gets completely flustered and doesn't remember.

And the classic line, "I need to find myself" .

I need some advice from some seasoned veterans, please fire away, hold nothing back. And if by chance there are any ladies lurking, let me know from a woman's perspective.
 
See less See more
#374 ·
Well, I must admit it, I am, in a way, grateful for her actions today. Despite her irritation and angst towards me she met me at the court house with an open mind and tears. She relented to my requests for motion, met with me and my Attorney, agreed with my proposals, primary custody, exclusive use of the home, I agreed to take over the household debt from hereon out, save for some minor back payments, removed the child support motion in conjunction with her waiving spousal support. She also agreed to take down the selfies of her on facebook which were sent to at least one of the OM's as well as end all communications via her online gaming shindig crap!!!

As the pro se people went forth before us we stepped outside for a smoke and I got the idea she genuinely doesn't know what she wants to do, or in life, and even shed a little doubt about getting a Divorce. I did offer my thanks for her selfless act, so far, and she replied she'd rather have the children see her in a good way some of the time vs some good and bad or unhealthy for most of the time. It actually felt like she was opening up to me. The initial hearing went quick and a follow up will happen later.

I was ready....... I was ready to unleash holy hell on her, and I think she knew it. I wanted revenge, I wanted acknowledgement. I wanted so much payback. But when she relented and every moment during this I became more tempered and calm, as if I was, well, I don't know, I'll have to think about it.

And then after a few comments about our sex life we both became aroused and came home and had sex!!!! Call it weak or whatever but god I needed to get laid, I couldn't fight the damn feeling. Stupid hysterical bonding. She wants to stay for the Holidays but knows that I expect full effort for Domestic Duties, financial support for certain common use things and full disconnection.

And lastly but not least. I couldn't have done it without you all, No need to name names, you all had a helping hand in it. But I will keep on the offensive, collect information, strategic VAR placement......... Cuz you just never know, one way or another, it ain't over til it's over!!
 
#378 ·
And then after a few comments about our sex life we both became aroused and came home and had sex!!!! Call it weak or whatever but god I needed to get laid, I couldn't fight the damn feeling. Stupid hysterical bonding. She wants to stay for the Holidays but knows that I expect full effort for Domestic Duties, financial support for certain common use things and full disconnection.
O.K., now you're just screwin' with us, right...

He's screwin' with us, right?

Well, did I not only, not see this coming, I can't even find it in the play book.:)

I hope you can get things worked out. You were going there to draw blood and I was right with you. I don't know what to say, but I wish you two all the luck there is and hope that this will work out for you.

Who da thunk it?
 
#376 ·
It is a shame that it takes this level of correction to get someone's attention that they have a problem. It does truly pay to do more sooner than less later.
 
#386 ·
Joker, we never went to court. My ex gave me pretty much what I wanted in the separation agreement. I was generous, even my attorney told me I was giving him too much-but I wanted out. However, since then he never passes up an opportunity to tell people how "utterly unreasonable" the agreement was. He likes to be seen as the victim of his own infidelity.
 
#387 ·
He likes to be seen as the victim of his own infidelity.
I am expecting this to be sure. So lets throw this out there to see what others think, since my mind can and does work a mile a minute.

She has almost no money and bills that have to get paid, vehicle taxes, reregistration, storage shed, and many others, yet she cannot even begin to do so.

She hasn't, supposedly, asked her mother to live at her house yet and states she already was told her mother did not want her to stay there nor wished to get involved. So even though she supposedly has no solid place to stay she still submitted to the exclusive use of the house motion.

She waived any push for spousal support, for now anyway, so no income will be received from me.

If she does live with her mother the back and forth traveling to her job will wear on her financially, van with 200k miles eats lots of gas. She plans on staying at her current place of employ vs getting a transfer.

She only wants some marital property for now, namely just one of the TV's and a few other minor things but nothing of real impact.

Now, all of this was from her actions and inactions regarding many years, and this one especially, but she seems so unwilling to acknowledge what appears to be illogical decision process. She will leave a stable, secure home from an obvious proven partner, her children, and such for a lifestyle of uncertainty. Is this her way of cutting all ties before she rides off into the sunset with her Cali or Ohio online AP, as a way of saying sorry for the damage, sorry for the everything..... And then presto. Maybe this is also her rationale for wanting to still live together during the holidays as well.

What should I make of this?
 
#393 ·
:iagree::iagree::iagree:
 
#394 ·
#403 ·
I am, in fact, going to have her leave this Sunday. Of all of my demands, reasonable ones mind you, none have yet to be fulfilled. And since she still refuses to go clear a consequence of merit must be enacted. The damn selfies are still there on her FB page that she sent to the OM(s). Many other things but it is the holiday and all so I will wait till tomorrow to drop the bomb.

Keep pushing, nothing more to do here.
 
  • Like
Reactions: LongWalk
#406 ·
So far so good, we had Thanksgiving dinner with her mom and stepfather and other in law members who all know the truth and that we are getting Divorced, or at least it is on the table. Although no one was rude and/or otherwise it was certainly impersonal and somewhat cold if you will.

As for the pictures, they and everything else is in a secure location that cannot be reached by her in any circumstances.
 
#411 ·
No, at the height of my and our happiness together I was completely wild in my thinking and behavior around her.

For example while I was ribbing her about something she had a problem with, a told you so moment, and in the process of helping her fix whatever it was, can't remember, she said she was going to "sucker punch" me.

My reply, " Do I get a choice or is it in that order", which drew a wryly smile.

Say it slow "Sucker punch"

Making dinner so I'll add other comment about this in a bit.

Keep em coming.
 
  • Like
Reactions: LongWalk
#413 ·
Well I threw down the challenge gauntlet and demanded the selfies to come down and access to her phone to prove she was clean.... After being shot down I cited my exclusive rights to the home and asked her to leave. She went to her mothers house to make arrangements to stay there and when she returned it was obvious her mother was less than thrilled about not only needed to stay there but also the reasons why.

She, the STBXW, also made it a point to still deny hiding anything and that when this is all over THEN she will pursue a relationship with this OM. She then got all pissed off about me not allowing her to come and go as she pleases in the morning to get the children off to school. I cited that since she is unreliable as well as prohibiting her from the house will keep her free of blame in case something goes wrong or other issue in the house while I am not there to validate her innocence.

Time to practice what I have been preaching. Still I hate to have the "Lose" feeling, ya know. I mean, short of her growing a penis and challenging me to a fight, I should feel victorious in the face of a cowardice, abusive, neglectful, lying cheating Bee-otch. I even had to admit that some of the words she said hit hard about how I am taking HER kids away and yet when I pointed out that she completely ignored them to facilitate her affair(s) then suddenly I am the A55hole. I suppose this resonates with me since she makes these statements with passion and anger and by now I should know better.
 
#414 ·
Well I threw down the challenge gauntlet and demanded the selfies to come down and access to her phone to prove she was clean.... After being shot down I cited my exclusive rights to the home and asked her to leave. She went to her mothers house to make arrangements to stay there and when she returned it was obvious her mother was less than thrilled about not only needed to stay there but also the reasons why.

She, the STBXW, also made it a point to still deny hiding anything and that when this is all over THEN she will pursue a relationship with this OM. She then got all pissed off about me not allowing her to come and go as she pleases in the morning to get the children off to school. I cited that since she is unreliable as well as prohibiting her from the house will keep her free of blame in case something goes wrong or other issue in the house while I am not there to validate her innocence.

Time to practice what I have been preaching. Still I hate to have the "Lose" feeling, ya know. I mean, short of her growing a penis and challenging me to a fight, I should feel victorious in the face of a cowardice, abusive, neglectful, lying cheating Bee-otch. I even had to admit that some of the words she said hit hard about how I am taking HER kids away and yet when I pointed out that she completely ignored them to facilitate her affair(s) then suddenly I am the A55hole. I suppose this resonates with me since she makes these statements with passion and anger and by now I should know better.
Well, this is typically pissed cheaters behavior! She is the one who shattered her family not you. In cheaters mind they are entitled to do alot of things without consequences, things that BS are not allowed to.

If feeling guilty REMEMBER all that she has done.

Avoid this kind of conversations with her in other to detach and move on.

As you can see now, there was not a change in her, it was all manipulative strategy to buy time no matter how much damage could it make.

Keep moving and dont look back.
 
#418 ·
After my H's affair I began competing with against another woman in my own home even though she wasn't there. One day I just stopped when I realized that had my H ever left me no matter how hard he looks he would never find another me, ever. I am TOTALLY unique. This woman had NOTHING on me. He leaves me, he leaves a LOT behind. Your wife is leaving a LOT behind. You are TOTALLY unique. This man has NOTHING on you. Now it's just time to own it.
 
#430 ·
Joker,

You are still deep in the painful part of this mess. I have checked in from time to time to see how you are progressing. The point about the books from Tunera, and the GREAT advice from Affaircare should be considered.

I just went back and re-read your first post about your WW's bad behavior and EA. I read your posts today. You have come so very far in not too much time. Give yourself some credit. Even the name of this thread has been outgrown by your current status.

You are now on a path. Follow it. Move onward. Don't let the past haunt your future. The demons gradually leave, and as you continue, happiness will fill your heart again.

We cheer for you. We admire the growth that you are showing. Be patient with yourself. You will become a better man as you go forward. I did it, and I know you will too.
 
#431 ·
Get a load of this Sh1t!!!!!!

I come home from work yesterday, with a little bit of excitement about seeing her move out for obvious reasons, and after reminding her not to forget certain things her anger from the previous day was not present.

At one point before yesterday she told me she was thankful for kicking her out as this was the motivation she needed to move on, so to speak as well as letting me know her romantic intentions afterward. Now remember, this was due to me demanding to see her phone.

So last night she laments how she does not want to fight, as well as having a lot of things prepared for packing, but not really done. For example, she had bins loaded, but with easy to pack crap, a few stand alone items, but all the breakable items were still where they were when I left for work that day. Also, she still had her stuff in the van so nothing got delivered, nor did the window she broke got fixed like she said.

We talked, nothing fancy, got a recycled version of the whole "find myself" crap, no fooled, how she only wants the children to see her in a positive light. So to interject, soon after this my youngest three came home from school and my 11 year old asks to go for a ride, which was ok since I had to pick up my 15 year old from a cancelled after school event. During the ride her told me she was very angry and yelling a lot that morning, bashing him and/or whoever for telling me how the mornings were going, on their own accord mind you, "All you guys do is rat me out to your father". Yes, they tell me about the yelling, screaming, profanity, bossing around, missing the bus and the attention to her game and cell phone vs getting them ready with time to spare or with everything that they need.

Now back to our quiet time talk. I go more bull about many things, but must have been split white compared to her mothers house, to which she is furious for leaving without her children, saying she should be fighting for them tooth and nail. I put out feelers to see about her mothers feelings towards me to see if I need to prepare for any problems from her in the future, however this is not the case, her mother only has anger toward the STBXW.

Any who, I kept egging away at the cell phone bit, and the new one for all you peeps out there is this gem " I'd show you but there is nothing to come clean about or expose except for me cause there is nobody but me and here I am....." Yes ladies and gentlemen, we have entered the realm of stupidity's lost area!!!! I just laughed, and laughed some more and despite this she refused to get angry, not really a response I was looking for, I just thought her reasoning is just too absurd to not be funny.

Now this is just a guess, but I am pretty confident her feelings of independence went out the window when the reality of being forced to leave kicked in. I made no reprieve about her staying either, no phone, can't stay. She did either hide or take down the selfies though, but regardless, shouldn't have had to come to having to take this to get this kind of respect.

Opinions?
 
#432 ·
Opinions?
Your decision to move on has been validated one more time. Don't get lost in the daily drama. Keep yourself focused on the path you are taking.

The children will benefit when the ugly stuff goes away. So will you.

Hang in there. Remind yourself of these things when you feel you might have made the wrong choice to D. Look forward to your future and the possibilities you have without her. It is tough to split a family, it will drain you financially, etc.

One day you will look back and know you made the right decision, IMO.
 
#433 ·
Not letting you see her phone is a grandstand play for sure.

She's so screwed up that it's not out of the realm of possibility that she just sees the phone as too much of a loss of control.

The more obvious and likely reason is she has/is either been in touch with the OM, a new OM, or at least friend(s) about the OM/new OM.

She was gone when she left the last time. She was gone when she moved back in. Now that she's leaving again, she'll be gone for good.

I'm sorry that the most likely has happened. I really hoped that she had turned the corner and wasn't just going to lie to you again.

You deserve better.
 
#434 ·
Immature abusive woman.

Who has now lost her kids.

Sad.

They are going to mourn as to why they weren't worth her effort and you will forever be their safe haven.
 
#435 ·
Is this now becoming a more normal thing for mothers these days? Back when I was little, the awesome 80's, I cannot remember seeing and then as I aged even hearing about a mother who was not present or left her children to facilitate an affair, or mid life crisis as most idiots label it as.

I just wonder what is in store for me today, she has work, but there are always clues.

Lets have some fun!!! What do you fine people think is to become of the next few days, week or so. The winner gets a joke just for them......

My bet, be affectionate, try to install the "Hope we can be friends bit" and leave this weekend.
 
#436 ·
I agree, I never saw it either.

And my guess is it is creating chaos even in the school systems since the chaos in one family RARELY is isolated to just that family. It spills over onto the families surrounding that one that just broke apart.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top