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Paralyzed by indecision.

150K views 583 replies 98 participants last post by  weightlifter 
#1 ·
Since going into details would consume and ungodly amount of time and energy let me just ask the following;

How do I combat an Emotional Affair?

How do I get her to admit to rug sweeping?

How do I combat the situation with the affair underground?

How do I get her to realize the damage that she has done?

Am I willing to kill the relationship between us? - Yes

Do I want to? - No

Yes, Kids are involved.

No, It has not gone Physical, but I cannot disprove phone sexting.

I am the bread winner.

She refuses to go transparent at all.

She insists he no longer feels in love with her nor her with him. (Details on this if asked can be provided)

She still has him as a FB Friend, but a hidden one and has removed me from her list.

When I asked to see her phone I got derailed by lame excuses, one such as she needs to trust me (WTF?) and was swiftly distracted by her engaging in physical intimacy, a classic maneuver.

After utilizing several tactics have caught her telling lies about what they talked about or what she has told him about what has happened around here since I threatened to kick her out. Hint, Liars cannot re-tell stories based on lies due to no foundation for the memory to latch onto nor can she tell the story backwards. When tasked by this she gets completely flustered and doesn't remember.

And the classic line, "I need to find myself" .

I need some advice from some seasoned veterans, please fire away, hold nothing back. And if by chance there are any ladies lurking, let me know from a woman's perspective.
 
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#438 ·
I'm guessing that she either never really stopped contact with the OM, or she is working on a new OM.

Either way, she would rather let her new relationship play out some more, before pulling the plug on her marriage/you.

If it she stayed and could continue to see the OM also, she will then only truly know if she was meant to be with the OM, or stay with you...

Yeah, that's what I'm thinkiin' she's thinkin'.

Rainbows and unicorns.
 
#440 ·
Today's forecast; Really fvcking odd.

I got a call from the STBXW today asking if I gave out her number to anyone, which I replied in the negative save for some parents of our children friends for contact purposes. She then goes on to explain that she got some weird texts from someone, source unknown, describing them as " Bothering" or someother. I get home today, and she was sick again, this happens everyday she has off too btw, always ill, or tired, or asleep. Anyway, I clean up and make dinner, or as I call it Wednesday night, and she want's me to hear these texts, of course I cannot hold the phone to do so.

It appears that someone with a California Pre paid number texted her from a males perspective about her being beautiful and looking and feeling like him, in a lonely marriage, and how he had always wanted to say something to her but wasn't able to. She responded with irritated intrigue and he continued to do so as well, even calling her by name. It went back and forth for quite some time and ended unceremoniously. Now, the EA AP lives in Cali so a connection can be made there but it is really odd and I have seen enough Dateline to know that anythings is possible. When I laughed at her annoyance to a married guy hitting on her via telecommunications I began to question whether or not her EA AP would have given out her number or the other guy from Ohio. With the confidence of a expected sunrise she lamented that " No way they'd give out her number". When pressed about her ignorance about who these people really were/are she simply dismissed this and reinforced her previous claim.

She did mention feeling a little scared about it though and that's when the dateline sh1t came into my mind. Will my Family, or more so children and I be targeted for violence to "free" her from her bonds of motherhood and marriage or some other crazy ass notion? Is this just some red herring crap she is pulling?

Whats say you TAM, has this entered the Twilight zone or what?
 
#455 ·
she wants me to hear these texts, of course I cannot hold the phone to do so.
Wait. You're saying your cheating wife wants your support for something, yet she won't let you touch the phone to do so? You know, to see her CHEATING stuff?

Time for some good old-fashioned consequences. Like 'hmm, you don't trust me to touch your phone, looks like I'm too untrustworthy to help you then. Find someone who cares.'
 
#441 ·
I had the same sort of strange situation with my STBXW and through diligence tracked it down. Turned out it was one of the AP trying to check in/ up on her and was trying to cover his tracks. Was registered to another person and everything, but was him coming back to haunt. Funny as his D was granted the month prior, so he didn't take long to start fishing again.
 
#444 ·
Does she even know the person she had the ea with is a real person? If she hsnt met him in person the answer is no. Tell her to watch CATFISH on MTV. It's a show about online romances that show how ludicrous online romances are.

When she tells you how you can still be friends, tell her neither you nor your next wife will be friends with any ex's.
 
#447 ·
Oh I hope I am not misleading anyone to thinking I am emotionally attached to this situation. I am merely curious and somewhat amused. But I am also concerned about the notion of having some guy who is equally infatuated "Freeing" her from the bonds of her life by removing them from existence, which would mean me and the children. This is/was more of a safety issue.

As Tobyboy detailed, snacks are ready and am ready to move on and enjoy the show.
 
#452 ·
She said she already did and it came up as a pre paid California number. Regardless, as many has said this is her problem now. Catfishing, sexting, whatever, her bed to lie in.

As far as getting jealous. I am, of some of the things she plans on taking with her out of the house this weekend. Sadly, I feel a need to contest some of these items. Other than that I am good. The only thing I think would bother me at this point is her having another man in the house while I am at work but so far no indication of this.....Yet!!!
 
#453 ·
She said she already did and it came up as a pre paid California number. Regardless, as many has said this is her problem now. Catfishing, sexting, whatever, her bed to lie in.

As far as getting jealous. I am, of some of the things she plans on taking with her out of the house this weekend. Sadly, I feel a need to contest some of these items. Other than that I am good. The only thing I think would bother me at this point is her having another man in the house while I am at work but so far no indication of this.....Yet!!!
Easy solution!

Kick her out your house!!! This way you wont be able to see what she is so eager to show you.

You know that her future relation (s) will be with POS and tiotally a mess, rigth? let her fall...

Other soluction, get a date and start living little
 
#460 ·
Read most of MMSLP and started NMMNG but drifted to MMSLP and haven't returned to it yet. As Turnera has pointed out I have indeed used the "You fired me" line, something she referenced much earlier, more than a few times. The results are awesome!!!! I have also told her to refer all needs and calls for aid to her OM's which is met with anger than denial.... It is funny to watch.

FYI, She is leaving this weekend. One way or another.

And I do not know if I can agree that her asking me to see these texts, scripted or not, was a reel. Frankly, I wanted to see if it was someone I knew who was messing with her. Which would've been funny.
 
#461 ·
Well sports fans, it's over. I threw her ass out today. After some strategic tech placement I got her. Her Ohio chum, the one she said she had no feelings for, apparently is the new soul mate. Lucky her, she found 2 in one year, most people never find theres!!!!

Anyway, she lamented her brilliance in telling me she had no feelings for him by breaking it off in front of me on the phone (Didn't believe it for a second) and how I have been a ****, a real **** lately (By letting her eat my food, use my power and even got her some ice cream, yes weak I know but I felt sorry for her) and she continued to make fun of me and my efforts and claims about her needing to refocus on us and our children then the bombshell, she had a constant fantasy she loved to enact by stabbing me over and over and over again...... She ended the call with a I love you.

Now I confronted her at work, on the phone, and made it seem that I got into her phone while she was sleeping. Of course she said the same exact **** about "Yes, I had feelings for him then we talked about it and said how stupid it was". This woman is fvcked up.

Oh well, She's 12 years older than him and has the mileage of a mother of three on her body....I wish them well.

I do have such a shock about this though really. No love. Not one ounce. Pure hatred. Now I have to stomach the fact of having a life long connection with this "Thing" till death. I should have done this by page 2 of this thread. I feel a combination of validation and failure in my actions. I hoped for the best.

And I also have to feel somewhat bad for the next woman I get involved with.......... I may just inadvertently treat her like ****. I was a nice guy.....He died today!!!!
 
#468 · (Edited)
she continued to make fun of me and my efforts and claims about her needing to refocus on us and our children then the bombshell, she had a constant fantasy she loved to enact by stabbing me over and over and over again...... She ended the call with a I love you.
She loved to enact ????

just found this on the net

A blade generally indicates that the dreamer is making some important or difficult decisions in their waking life. You must be able to make clear distinctions between available choices and may be walking a 'thin line' and must balance aspects of your life carefully. Carrying a knife in a dream represents anger, aggression, emotional conflict, division and separation. There is something in the dreamer's waking life that he needs to cut out or get rid of. It may be that the dreamer needs to sever ties or end a certain relationship. The knife symbol may also indicate sexual tension or confrontation. A knife wound symbolises masculine or animalistic aggression and power.
 
#463 ·
Yup, that's about all I can sum this up to as well. Not to sound sexists but why is it that women seem to be more maniacal than men in regards to this. When men get caught they are pu55y's and mostly tuck tail and pee. But this...... "Stabbing him over and over and over again!!" is really fvkced up. I did nothing to earn this. I am still trying to process this.
 
#467 ·
My mother on facebook, thats about it for now. This was captured via a VAR so I cannot blab to everyone, unfortunately. I am still really disturbed by this and not really sure how to process or proceed.
 
#470 ·
Yea, I've never fantasized about stabbing someone else over and over. That would totally freak me out.

Mine are frequently about finding my way out of a path or building. Any thoughts there G.J.? :)
 
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#473 ·
Hi B.L. :)



Only one I could find was


"Dreams about being lost or searching for something that is lost usually denote anxiety. They evoke feelings of confusion and frustration, or even a sense of feeling you don’t fit in," says O'Connor. "Usually, the meaning has to do with a current situation in your life where you are anxious that you will not find your way -- perhaps a new job where you feel your skills are not optimal, a move to a new city where you are anxious about fitting in and making new friends or perhaps an important task at work with a deadline looming."

At the Edgar Cayce A.R.E. Site there are some but don't really fit your profile
 
#477 ·
Hey joker. I have no idea how I missed your thread until now. Just a couple of observations.

You have come a long way. As a reforming (does it ever become past tense) nice guy, I see you have nipped some things in the bud quite nicely.

However, and this is from a place of concern, you are still way too involved in what is going on with your STBX. I know, I know... So crazy it is funny, right?

Sorry, brother, but I ain't buying it. And I don't think you are either. Her claws are still in you.

You need to read and reread the 180 and actually implement it, brother. Make her gone minus kids involvement, which given her history, should be limited too.

Keep reading. Keep improving. Keep getting stronger. You can do this.
 
#479 ·
I won't deny that I still have concerns but as for her actions or love interest or whatever else, I am actually pretty cool about it. The reasons for the continuous spying is to see how mean or destructive she intended to be. This is for my own protection, not to reclaim her love or whatever else. In fact, just a hour or so ago she got some more items and said " Can you help me move some of these things outside" I said, yes, I can" and walked away.

I feel really pumped about this, house is getting decluttered, slept great last night. And you know something, Divorce adds like 50 Lbs to ones perception.....Just saying!!!
 
#482 ·
Man last night was great, just me and the eldest after I dropped the children off to her at a parking lot. The exchange was fine no issues, she seemed happy and I made sure to seem in good spirits as well.

My son and I then went to her Fathers house to watch some football and talk about the aid I will need for the morning sendoff's to school on the days that I have them home. Still, I had this inkling that I haven't been able to shake off. What if it was me? Maybe I was just as awful as she made me out to be and I simply couldn't see it? Maybe her actions were justified. I asked her father this. He said he didn't know really as he didn't see enough of us to make any assessment yet saw that she had a home, a husband who made sure to pay for whatever needed it and nearly whatever she wanted. She also had the time and ability to enjoy life without the bounds of constantly working. ANd since she chose more often than not the direction we all took then what is she exactly dissatisfied for?

As I now prep for the next phase, the materials and assets that "We" accumulated over the years, and what I am willing to let go. Now call it egotistical or unfair but with regards to several things, I worked my a55 off for them, caretaking and maintaining while she did nothing or made it worse. "Work overtime we need the money". Ok, so where did it go? Had she put all or maybe even half of her efforts into our family's growth then I'd be content as it would be fair to have split an even 50/50. No offense to women and all but the only 50/50 split she should depend on is her legs since she'll rope in whatever Sap she can for financial aide..............Kinda like me apparently.
 
#483 ·
Joker, you KNOW her actions were not justified, so stop that.
From what you've described she seems immature and manipulative-like she's stuck in junior high.

Detach, get to the 50,000 feet view of her. Focus on you and and the kids.
And few things stung more than paying my deadbeat ex a portion of my 401K, sort of like penance for picking a bad spouse. On the good side, with the stock market up so much in the last two years I've made it all back.
 
#484 ·
And so begins the oddity it is called my life. After the children came home my 11 year old son had a few issues to discuss with me about his stay with his mother. Now to be clear, I do not under any circumstances grill or press for information nor so I share information with him that is not for his ears. However I am always available to talk to him if he feels a need to do so.

Anyway, She took the children to a Gamestop to let them pick out something. My 11 year old has gift cards he has been waiting to use and she owe's him a hundred dollars from chirstmas and birthday money she took and never returned in the guise of holding onto it.

Well, my 11 year old had his sights on certain things of particular interest yet his mother kept referring to something else, a game her EA partner and friends play, and after she began to dissuade him or resist his suggestions or wants she basically pressured him into buying the damn thing against his will, and he can't take it with him when he comes home. She also was pushing for him to use his money that she owes him and his remaining gift cards to purchase the upgraded console to facilitate her affair even further.

Now, I am angry and irritated as she has actual debt to pay off and repairs to make on certain things she swore she'd get done. but her strong arming him onto doing something he did not want to do really pisses me off. Now this is unfamiliar ground for me here. What should I do to address this, if anything. Do I confront here about her bullying tactics or let it go and have my 11 year old simply endure the train wreck that is his mother?
 
#485 ·
Empower him to stand up to her... That was his gift money. My H tries to strong arm our son and I have learned to empower our son to stand up appropriately, speaking his mind clearly and with respect and if his Dad does not respond I intervene.

If it were me I would go to her house with your son ask for the game and go return the item and get him what he wants and explain to her that that was not ok. I would no longer send money or gift cards with him when he goes to her house. Call it for what it is and teach your son to do the same. Right the wrong, stand in the truth, and relish in that strength.
 
#486 ·
A slippery slope, as if you intervene, she may see it as you spying and checking up on her through using the children. She may get a lawyer and bring action against you for this. Also she may just take it out on your children and start a "don't tell Dad about this" dialogue for everything that she does.

I would do as Blossom suggests and try to build up the children's self esteem and empower them that they can and do make good decisions and they need to stick to them unless there is something underlying that is not to their best interest. In this case that would not be a part in this argument.

Maybe you could suggest through your lawyer and get it enacted that the two of you attend a mediation and co-parenting workshop. In my state they are required given that both parents are to co-parent (and can only be waived dependant upon custody distribution and distance, say one is out of state or so far away to not faciliotate such class, and these don't have to be attended together either, each can attend on their own).

I know the pain as it is hard to deal with such injustices being handed down.
 
#487 ·
As this is the beginning of your 'slope,' I would set the processes straight NOW - ask your lawyer to draft something to her telling her to cough it up so your son can return it. And then enroll your son in therapy so he can start to understand what's being done to him. He KNOWS it wasn't right, but he's not old enough or skilled enough to deflect what she's doing.
 
#488 ·
:iagree:

yep, and I wouldn't beat around the bush about it...

this type of nonsense requires immediate action
 
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