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I haven't cheated yet but I need help with what I should do with my marriage.

25K views 255 replies 45 participants last post by  Headspin 
#1 ·
This post might get kind of lengthy but there is a lot that I want to say in order to get the best advice that I can get. I’ve been reading here for a few months now and I know this is where I’ll end up if I end up cheating on my wife. I really want to avoid that but I’m not sure how much longer I can hold out.
I’ll start from the beginning. At the age of 20, I was working in a foreign country. I met my wife while she was there on a work visa. We hit it off immediately. Our relationship pretty much consisted of partying and sex. I barely knew her though at the time, that didn’t bother me. I was young and stupid and thought the key to finding a good wife was to get the one with the best t*ts and a$$.

Our relationship only went on for around 2 months before I had to come back to the states. I really missed her but I think I really missed all the sex. She was the most beautiful woman that I ever dated and I was young and stupid. Before I left, I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I started her process and she was here in America with me after around 7 months.
Life was good at first. She spoke a decent amount of English but it didn’t bother me much then. She wasn’t working so we pretty much just went out and had sex when I wasn’t at work. I actually enjoyed it and felt that I had a trophy wife.

After 2 years, we welcomed our first son who is now 7. We also have another son that will turn 2 soon. Now here is where the problem starts. WE ARE NOT COMPATIABLE AT ALL!!! I mean really, we have almost nothing in common. We don’t like the same types of movies, we are not into the same activities, and we don’t have the same types of friends. I've always wanted her to have her own identity but she tries too hard to gravitate towards what I like. If we go out to eat, I always get to choose the place. I want her to have her own mind and voice. We don’t even practice the same religion. She is Christian and I was Christian at one point of my life. Once I got older, I decided that I do not believe in God and I do not support Christianity although I do believe in some type of higher power. Also, sex has changed a great deal. She used to do anything sexually that I asked but now she doesn’t. She does not want to give blow jobs anymore because she says it’s disgusting. We don’t do doggy style anymore because she says it is painful. I’m so sexually frustrated that I can’t even get it up for her anymore. Trust me, that’s saying a lot since she is a very beautiful person. She constantly has guys trying to hit on her and I only bring that up to prove that she is very attractive.

For a long time, I’ve tried to mold her into the woman that I wanted her to be. She speaks English pretty well but her reading and writing is pretty bad. If I had to guess, I would say that she reads and writes on a 5th grade level. I’ve tried putting her in college courses and that hasn’t helped. The first time, I was stupid and did all the work for her. I wrote all her essays for her English class and she got an A. However, she didn’t learn anything at all and pretty much relied on me. She is currently taking classes and it pisses me off when she pretends to be tired during the week and then when the assignment is finally due, she pesters me to help her with it and I end up pretty much doing it for her.

Money: I grew up under the assumption that a man should pay for everything. She’s been working since 2006 and contributes very little if anything to bills. At first, it didn’t bother me but as I’ve gotten older, it’s really getting to me. I see how other women treat their husbands and how things are split equally. All my wife pays is the electric bill which is $150 a month. I pay all of the other bills included house note, insurance, food, diapers, etc… Even then, she complains if the electric bill is over $150 per month.

Present: There’s a woman that I’ve been talking to. She is younger than me but pretty attractive. She’s made it evident that she is interested in me but I’ve been trying to keep my distance. She is very smart and is currently in medical school. She knows that I’m married and that I have a ton of issues with my wife. We have not have sex or even went out yet but I can definitely see both of those things happening in the future. Even if things didn’t work out between me and this woman, I’m actually intrigued that I could potentially be with someone like this who could make me happy. Someone who is smart and wouldn’t mind supporting the family financially. I’ve been having sexual fantasies about this other woman and in these fantasies, I see myself doing things to her that I wish I could do with my wife. I know that if I was happy in my marriage, I wouldn’t be having these fantasies.

So here I am. What should I do? I would feel like an absolute ******* if I told my wife that I’m divorcing her. She is happy and the kids are happy. I’ve given her this life and I would be taking it away from them. There’s no way she could afford this house by herself so she would have to move somewhere smaller or move back to her country with the kids. I love both my sons but I feel that I deserve to be happy too. I know that if I keep talking to this other woman, we will end up having sex and getting more serious. My wife now has no intention of bettering herself and she seems like she would be happy being beautiful and illiterate for the rest of her life. Still, that’s my fault because I married her and brought her here for all the wrong reasons. Should I just accept the fact that I will be forced to lie in this bed for the rest of my life or should I try to pursue my own happiness even if it means that my wife and kids won’t live as comfortably as before? By the way, I’m around 29 years old and my wife is a couple years younger.
 
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#52 ·
You need to have a long,in depth, meaningful, conversation with HER as to what your expectations are. You should also see what hers are.


Bringing in a third party into your marriage is not a solution.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#53 ·
OK, wearing my other hat for a moment...

It is possible you might be suffering from a mild depressive illness. But that's outside my field.

You might be blaming your wife because she is there. A case of Nearest Human Syndrome, as I call it. The nearest human gets the blame for everything.

You need to see your doctor and ask him to check you out.
 
#62 ·
You got married WAY too young. You didn't really know her, but more importantly, YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOURSELF.

Deal with it dude, on the up and up. Don't f*ck the lady doc and then blame it on your wife because her English isn't up to your standards.

Do her a favor; divorce her, give her her freedom (AND spousal support AND child support).

Then go f*ck the lady doc.
 
#71 ·
She works 40 hours a week M-F. Right now, she is taking 2 online classes and one of them is ridiculously easy. Her mother moved in with us last year so we watches the youngest for us. She has a sub 30k salary because it's an entry position. Her car is paid for and all she pays is the electric bill. We also don't have a joint account.
 
#76 ·
Her native language is arabic. I bought a translation book after we got married and she taught me a lot. She rarely speaks it now unless she is talking to her mother or one of her friends. I rarely speak it now but I do understand some words when they speak it.
 
#87 ·
Ozzy What do you do for a living? Do you have a degree? What are your interest? How old is this medical student?

It's obvious you are having serious problems in your marriage but don't pin your hopes on this OW.

Be sensible - Do you really think that this OW is planning on marriage and supporting you. The competition for an attractive, well educated woman with high earning potential is fierce. She has the pick of fellow students, residents and physicians.

If you are leaving your wife with that fantasy in mind then you are in for a world of hurt and disappointment. She does not have marriage on her mind.

Forget this woman and turn your attention to pulling out the stops to give your marriage a go. Do you think the fantasies of the woman has changed your feelings and willingness to work on your marriage?

You will not be able to ditch your children and wife so easily. You have to pay child support. If you don't feel a moral obligation to care for them then you have a legal obligation.

You want to be happy but can you really be happy about giving up two boys? If you D, don't abandon your children please.

There are too many children that have been thrown away by their parent so they can start a new life. Don't be that kind of person.
 
#90 · (Edited)
I decided to revisit this to show you something...

There’s a woman that I’ve been talking to. She is younger than me but pretty attractive. She’s made it evident that she is interested in me but I’ve been trying to keep my distance.
You don't go outside the marriage to talk to attractive women in private. You have already disrespected your wife, your marriage, and yourself by disclosing private details of your marriage to this woman.

You have already cheated. You have already disrespected your wife. And you are here thinking your wife is the one who needs to smarten up?

She is very smart and is currently in medical school. She knows that I’m married and that I have a ton of issues with my wife.
She knows because you violated your marriage and disrespected your wife to disclose that info to this woman. That's why she knows.

You have no business sharing your marital troubles with other women in private. This woman allows you to do this, and in doing so, she disrespects your marriage, your wife, and YOU.

As soon as you start talking about your private marital life she should have WALKED AWAY.

We have not have sex or even went out yet but I can definitely see both of those things happening in the future.
Let me get this straight...

This woman

a. disrespects your wife
b. disrespects your marriage
c. intrudes into the private details of your home life
d. acts in deception to pursue you/make herself available
e. compromises your integrity
f. invites you to collude to the detriment of your home, your wife, and your children

And YOU think she's such a great catch?

Really?

Let me explain something very simple. The infidelity paradox :

The only people worth cheating with, are the people that won't cheat with you to begin with.


Anyone who would

a. lie to your wife
b. deceive your wife
c. collude against your marriage, your wife, and your children
d. compromise your marriage, your wife, and your children
e. disrespect your marriage, your wife, and your children
f. sneak around
g. violate your home
h. invite you to throw away years of commitment

Is NOT someone worth partnering UP with.

Look at that list.. THAT is the resume of a co-conspirator in infidelity. THAT is your great catch?

Really? Looks like a promising romance there doesn't it?

Anyone who would be willing to do HALF of that is NOT someone you want to invest time into

She can't be honest
She can't be trusted
She can't respect boundaries
She can't respect commitments

You think that resume is someone you want to partner up with.. really?

Never mind how unethical infidelity is or isn't'.. that's just plain STUPID.

Do you realize the success rate of a relationship borne from infidelity is less than five percent long term?

That's less than one TENTH the chance singles have in a conventional marriage, which is 50% roughly.

That's the infidelity paradox.

The only people worth cheating with, are the people that won't cheat with you to begin with.


Anyone who is willing to hitch their star to your wagon buddy is a LOSER.

That's not a shot at you, it's a shot at HER.

The only people worth cheating with, are the people that won't cheat with you to begin with.


Imagine asking a female this :

Hey want to lie, sneak around, and disrespect my marriage in secret with me?

Anyone who nods to that question is NOT worth your TIME.


Have you heard this phrase?

There is no honor among thieves

Does that seem pertinent at all here?


Never mind ethics, infidelity is just plain stupid.

Even if things didn’t work out between me and this woman, I’m actually intrigued that I could potentially be with someone like this who could make me happy.
They won't. I would bet hard cash on it.

And for the record : people don't make you happy. YOU make you happy. That's YOUR job.

A spouse is not in your life to make you happy. They are in your life to love, support, and protect you. They are there to support YOU making YOU happy.

It's not your wife's job to make you happy.

If you are unhappy, that means you are slacking off, not your wife.

Great spouses contribute to a great you. They can't make a great you, they can't contribute to a miserable you.

You make you happy. And that has ZERO to do with your marriage. That's YOUR job to accomplish as an individual.

Someone who is smart and wouldn’t mind supporting the family financially.
Smart? Because she's started to collude with you and disrespect your marriage? Really? That doesn't sound all that smart to me.

If she will collude WITH you, she will collude ON you.

YOU need to open your EYES.

You think she will support you financially do you? You ran a credit check on her did you?

You know how she manages her money do you? You have directly and factually verified her spending habits and how much debtload she's carrying and has carried?

I’ve been having sexual fantasies about this other woman and in these fantasies, I see myself doing things to her that I wish I could do with my wife. I know that if I was happy in my marriage, I wouldn’t be having these fantasies.
That's BULL.

If you aren't happy, that's your job to fix that. Your wife compliments a happy you. If you are miserable, you need to find a way to fix that within the bounds of your commitments.

She is happy and the kids are happy.
According to you she is. I bet you a million bucks she would have something different to say about that.

My wife now has no intention of bettering herself and she seems like she would be happy being beautiful and illiterate for the rest of her life.
Since when is your happiness contingent on your wife's literacy level?


Still, that’s my fault because I married her and brought her here for all the wrong reasons.
Sometimes you make the right decisions, sometimes you make the decisions right.

Fix it, rather than abandoning it.

Should I just accept the fact that I will be forced to lie in this bed for the rest of my life or should I try to pursue my own happiness even if it means that my wife and kids won’t live as comfortably as before?
OR, a third option is to REPAIR the fractured marriage.

So.. you are thinking its a smart idea to start partnering up in secret with someone who is willing to deceive, disrespect, collude, and violate?

You think you are driven to this because your wife is not as literate in English as you are?

You think you are driven to this kind of thinking because your wife isn't meeting her obligations to make you happy?

Really? Am I reading this right? What's wrong with this picture?

If I thought like that I would be pretty miserable too. And my wife's English is impeccable. So where's the disconnect here?

Here's what I am hoping you notice in this post :

a. stupid people cheat, the smart money is on keeping your integrity in tact
b. your wife does not need to be as literate in English as you are for your marriage to function effectively
c. it's not your wife's job to ensure your life is fulfilling
d. romantic relationships do not make people happy, they compliment a rich fulfilling life, they do not create it

What mistakes are YOU making in your marriage?

What do you own here?
 
#94 ·
I decided to revisit this to show you something...



You don't go outside the marriage to talk to attractive women in private. You have already disrespected your wife, your marriage, and yourself by disclosing private details of your marriage to this woman.

You have already cheated. You have already disrespected your wife. And you are here thinking your wife is the one who needs to smarten up?



She knows because you violated your marriage and disrespected your wife to disclose that info to this woman. That's why she knows.

You have no business sharing your marital troubles with other women in private. This woman allows you to do this, and in doing so, she disrespects your marriage, your wife, and YOU.

As soon as you start talking about your private marital life she should have WALKED AWAY.



Let me get this straight...

This woman

a. disrespects your wife
b. disrespects your marriage
c. intrudes into the private details of your home life
d. acts in deception to pursue you/make herself available
e. compromises your integrity
f. invites you to collude to the detriment of your home, your wife, and your children

And YOU think she's such a great catch?

Really?

Let me explain something very simple. The infidelity paradox :

The only people worth cheating with, are the people that won't cheat with you to begin with.


Anyone who would

a. lie to your wife
b. deceive your wife
c. collude against your marriage, your wife, and your children
d. compromise your marriage, your wife, and your children
e. disrespect your marriage, your wife, and your children
f. sneak around
g. violate your home
h. invite you to throw away years of commitment

Is NOT someone worth partnering UP with.

Look at that list.. THAT is the resume of a co-conspirator in infidelity. THAT is your great catch?

Really? Looks like a promising romance there doesn't it?

Anyone who would be willing to do HALF of that is NOT someone you want to invest time into

She can't be honest
She can't be trusted
She can't respect boundaries
She can't respect commitments

You think that resume is someone you want to partner up with.. really?

Never mind how unethical infidelity is or isn't'.. that's just plain STUPID.

Do you realize the success rate of a relationship borne from infidelity is less than five percent long term?

That's less than one TENTH the chance singles have in a conventional marriage, which is 50% roughly.

That's the infidelity paradox.

The only people worth cheating with, are the people that won't cheat with you to begin with.


Anyone who is willing to hitch their star to your wagon buddy is a LOSER.

That's not a shot at you, it's a shot at HER.

The only people worth cheating with, are the people that won't cheat with you to begin with.


Imagine asking a female this :

Hey want to lie, sneak around, and disrespect my marriage in secret with me?

Anyone who nods to that question is NOT worth your TIME.


Have you heard this phrase?

There is no honor among thieves

Does that seem pertinent at all here?


Never mind ethics, infidelity is just plain stupid.



They won't. I would bet hard cash on it.

And for the record : people don't make you happy. YOU make you happy. That's YOUR job.

A spouse is not in your life to make you happy. They are in your life to love, support, and protect you. They are there to support YOU making YOU happy.

It's not your wife's job to make you happy.

If you are unhappy, that means you are slacking off, not your wife.

Great spouses contribute to a great you. They can't make a great you, they can't contribute to a miserable you.

You make you happy. And that has ZERO to do with your marriage. That's YOUR job to accomplish as an individual.



Smart? Because she's started to collude with you and disrespect your marriage? Really? That doesn't sound all that smart to me.

If she will collude WITH you, she will collude ON you.

YOU need to open your EYES.

You think she will support you financially do you? You ran a credit check on her did you?

You know how she manages her money do you? You have directly and factually verified her spending habits and how much debtload she's carrying and has carried?



That's BULL.

If you aren't happy, that's your job to fix that. Your wife compliments a happy you. If you are miserable, you need to find a way to fix that within the bounds of your commitments.



According to you she is. I bet you a million bucks she would have something different to say about that.



Since when is your happiness contingent on your wife's literacy level?




Sometimes you make the right decisions, sometimes you make the decisions right.

Fix it, rather than abandoning it.



OR, a third option is to REPAIR the fractured marriage.

So.. you are thinking its a smart idea to start partnering up in secret with someone who is willing to deceive, disrespect, collude, and violate?

You think you are driven to this because your wife is not as literate in English as you are?

You think you are driven to this kind of thinking because your wife isn't meeting her obligations to make you happy?

Really? Am I reading this right? What's wrong with this picture?

If I thought like that I would be pretty miserable too. And my wife's English is impeccable. So where's the disconnect here?

Here's what I am hoping you notice in this post :

a. stupid people cheat, the smart money is on keeping your integrity in tact
b. your wife does not need to be as literate in English as you are for your marriage to function effectively
c. it's not your wife's job to ensure your life is fulfilling
d. romantic relationships do not make people happy, they compliment a rich fulfilling life, they do not create it

What mistakes are YOU making in your marriage?

What do you own here?
Believe me when I say that I don't have long term plans for me and this other woman. I'm sure that even if we did hook up, she would later probably leave me for a younger more successful model once she graduates. The point that I was trying to make is that talking to her brought my marital problems to a head and made me realize how much better things can be.

Reading my past posts, it would appear that I'm talking down on my wife and calling her stupid. I'm sorry if that's how I came across because that's not the case. First, I find her willingness to use me as a crutch unattractive. For the english language, I'm not expecting her to be perfect. What I'm expecting is for to show me that she is trying. What example are we setting for our son if his mother doesn't care about her education and just relies on me? If I were in her country, I would try to learn the most that I could if it meant that I could give my family a better life. It wouldn't matter how much money my wife made. It would just be something I would want to do to better my life.

I know you disagree with a lot that I've said but I'm sure we can agree on a few things. First, won't you agree that we got married too young (20 and 18)? Not to mention that we only dated for 2 months.

Secondly, wouldn't you agree that she had a lot more to gain from this relationship that I did? She's brought her mother and her sister here over the course of our marriage. That wouldn't be possible if I didn't marry her. Looking back, how could I not think that at the time, she looked at me as an opportunity rather than a husband?

Third, I've outlined how our money is separate and how I'm responsible for all the bills while she keeps a separate account with all her money and she pays one bill. Is it fair for me to sometimes struggle to make monthly payments and be stressed out over money while she is out having fun without a care in the world? Is it fair for me to juggle money in my checking account to make sure our son's tuition is paid while she is checking out bags at the Coach store?

I understand that maybe I was wrong for talking to another woman outside of my marriage but I can't see how you can read the above and say with a straight face that I don't have a right to be frustrated and unsatisfied in my marriage. I'm around 29 years old now and from the way this train is headed, I'll probably never have the financial freedom that I want. I'll probably never do all the sexual positions/acts that I want and things will probably get worse from here. Is that something I should just "deal with" just because I made a bone headed mistake at 20?

The only reason I ended up here was because I thought sleeping with the other woman would be fulfilling and possibly balance out all the negativity that I'm receiving at home. If I was getting sex even from someone else, I wouldn't have so much resentment towards my wife and probably wouldn't give a heck if she never wanted to give another blow job in her life. These feelings have had me confused and that's why I'm here. I know that cheating is wrong and I shouldn't do it but when you read what I wrote, you can understand why I've been tempted.
 
#93 · (Edited)
"I haven't cheated yet, but what should I do with my marriage?"

To answer your question:

1. VERY IMPORTANT FIRST STEP!!! Remove the distraction from your marriage - i.e. the other woman. You can not make any good or rational decisions while she is in the picture, because she is causing you to think with the lower part of your body instead of your heart and head! If you don't COMPLETELY get her out of the picture as soon as possible - like IMMEDIATELY - you will cheat - I can almost guarantee that. Also - if you don't get her out of the picture - there isn't anything you can do for your marriage - except make even more of a mess of it.

Once she is out of the picture completely. Try the following:

2. Make a list of all the good things about your marriage. Then make a list of the bad things in your marriage.

3. Make a third list about all the good things about your wife. Then make a list of the things that bother you about your wife.

4. Make a 4th list of what you need in your life to be happy. Write the list in the terms of "I need such and such" and try to be as specific as you can. Do not write it in terms of "I need my wife too such and such". For example - instead of saying I need my wife to give me better sex, you might write I need variety, excitement, and passion in my sex life.

5. Sit down and go over these lists with your wife and share your true and honest feelings with her. Tell her that you are at a point in your marriage where you don't feel happy any more. That you have been tempted to cheat - have not done it and won't do it, however it has made you realize you are not sure if you want to continue in your marriage or not. Tell her you have decided you need to get some professional help to sort things out. Invite her to attend counseling with you - but let her know that even if she will not attend - you are still going to a counselor and will continue to do so until you figure out what you want and need to do about the marriage.

6. Get counseling. But understand that the counseling is to help you figure out you - and what you need to do to find happiness and love, not to change your wife - because you have no control over her - only yourself.

Hopefully for you boys sake - you will be able to figure out that you can find happiness and rekindle love within your marriage.

Good Luck!
 
#95 ·
You need to make a decision.

Either decide to work on your marriage and on improving yourself or decide on divorce. Which ever you chose, do it 100%.

I understand that you are frustrated. I'll bet that if I talked to your wife, she would also say that she is frustrated with a lot about you. It's seldom a one-way-street.

I brought up finances so as to concentrate on one topic at a time. our response is that you will not address it with her. There are ways that you can address it but you defeat that idea before it gets out of the gate. Clearly you are part of the problem.

You complain about your financial situation now. It will most likely be worse if you divorce as you will be writing a check to her every month for at least child support.

I really wonder about the idea that your wife will go back to her home country since she brought her mother and sister here. Sounds like they do not want to live in their home country. I don't blame them. There is not one country that has Arabic as a language that I would live in again. I've been there. Would never, ever go back. I wonder if they would go back either.

The choices we make in life make a huge difference in our lives going forward. You chose to not work in a high paid field... your choice. You chose to marry and have children at a young age.

I'm not being harsh here. The fact is that this is life. You need to find a way to make the best of what you have created. We all face issues based on good and bad choices we have made in the past.

Infidelity is a choice that will not work. I do not know one person who has cheated who said it improved their life.. and I know a lot of people who have cheated. Every one of them has said that it was a nightmare that turned them into a person who was petrified of being found out. Most ruined their marriage and their relationships with their children.

So chose a path and work on make it a good choice 100%.
 
#97 ·
Yes Ozzy - you have the right to feel the way you do - they are your feelings. Clearly you have issues with your wife and your marriage. Yes - you got married very young and yes your wife has benefited from your marriage. And I can understand why you are drawn to having an affair. You have found an attractive woman who is showing interest in you and it would be very easy to just throw all caution to the wind and start up an affair with her. But you yourself say having an affair is wrong and that you know you shouldn't do it! You came here looking for help - and everyone here is offering you their opinion. But ultimately what happens in your marriage is all in your hands. Here are your 3 basic choices:

1. Do what you know is wrong - and continue the relationship with this other woman. It won't be long before you are having sex with her. Will this help your marriage? You are trying to rationalize that it will. "I thought sleeping with the other woman would be fulfilling and possibly balance out all the negativity that I'm receiving at home. If I was getting sex even from someone else," But I know you know that is not what will happen. Having an affair will make things worse in your marriage - not better. And it solves NONE of the issues that is making you unhappy in your marriage.

2. Break up with the other woman, and continue in the marriage without dealing with the issues that are bothering you. Will this help the marriage? Clearly not - the issues will just bother you more and more and your will continue to be unhappy.

3. Break up with the other woman and seek professional help to deal with the issues that are bothering you. Will this help the marriage? It could - but more importantly - it will help you figure out what you want and need in the RIGHT way!

Stop considering what you know in your heart is the wrong thing to do - and take the steps to do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do! Get some professional help now. Get your head on straight before you make any decisions concerning your marriage! You owe that much to your wife, you owe that much to your children, and you owe that much to yourself!
 
#98 · (Edited)
You married a woman you think you shouldn't have.
=regret.

You tried to make her "better herself" and made her take classes. I'll bet she didn't come up with the idea herself. I wouldn't if I worked 40 hours a week and had two very young children. I would have told you to go jump in the lake and that it was MY business. But she appeased you and went. So naturally it didn't work.
=frustration & regret.

The bedroom life changed about 4 years ago. She says it hurts & she's now put off. Have you gently asked her why? Probably not. Yet, her answer might surprise you and the issue could be explored and solved. Instead you keep asking for it, she says no and you get angry. Aren't you at all concerned that it's painful for her? Doesn't sound like it. Would you be more sensitive if it was the Doc? I can guarantee you would be. Should your BS close her eyes and appease you. . . again?
=sexual frustration, frustration & regret.

She works 40 hours a week despite being the mother of 2 very young children. But, you want her to earn more money, oh yes, those classes. You don't think it's fair that you are the main breadwinner which is the case in most marriages I know of.
=resentment, sexual frustration, frustration & regret.

You mentioned going to counselling and "giving her an ultimatum" Are you serious? Counselling doesn't work like that. Don't waste your money.

I just don't get "love" anywhere in your posts. I did search. No softness, no gentleness, no affection, no fond memories except how good the sex was, the partying, how physically attractive she was. Almost always on here, even when a poster is a WS there will usually be, "we had so many great years together", or "we had such a good relationship". Didn't read anything like that in this thread.

And the student doctor? In the profession called the 'caring' profession? Who is having an EA with a married man, father of two young children and indicates she wants more as you said? Who is happy to turn 3 lives including that of 2 innocent little boys into chaos? Who knows more about your marriage than your BS does? Take another look at the Doc with a magnifying glass since your judgement seems impaired.

You married someone you shouldn't have like many which is reflected in the 50% divorce rate. I truly doubt you are in love with her and I think you haven't been in love with her for a long time.

Let me put it like this. If she ran away to her home country leaving your 2 sons with you, would you care if you never saw her again?

Or would you be relieved that she was out of your life and you could go on to have the type of life you want to have with someone else?

Just get a divorce and make it a generous one, and put the Doc on ice for now.

PS If your BS is as beautiful as you describe, hopefully she will meet someone who will appreciate her for who she is. She can't be all bad. To date, I haven't heard about any of her good points at all.
 
#103 ·
There are more myths about marriage in the list, but I wanted to share this snippet with you. I think it's quite relevant :

MYTH #10: YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN BECOME GREAT ONLY WHEN YOU STRAIGHTEN YOUR PARTNER OUT

Don't fall into the trap of believing that if you could change your partner, your relationship would be better. You are, at the very least, jointly accountable for the relationship.
Let go of the childlike notion that falling in love means finding someone who will be responsible for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness.
If your relationship is distressed, the most important person for you to change might be yourself. Once you identify the payoffs you are subconsciously seeking with destructive behavior, you can choose to remove them from your life.

 
#105 · (Edited)
Too bad about getting married too young. You need to face the real world. Whatever you think is going on with this medical student, I can assure you that she is not dreaming of supplying you with sex.

Be realistic. Don't get D with expectations that you will get out free and clear because you made a mistake. That's on you not on two small kids. We all pay for our mistakes.

You are old enough now to man up and take care of the people that depend on you. If you want to D then do it.

But don't do it because you think that there is an abundance of women to relieve you sexually just because you want. It does not work that way.
 
#107 ·
Ozzy - about 4 years ago I found myself thinking about having an affair. There was no other man - but I fantasied and thought about having sex with other men all the time. I actually signed up on a affair site for one day before I deleted it. I came to TAM and started a thread about my feelings. You can find it here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/19144-help-i-am-freaking-crazy.html

There was a person who made some very harsh comments. Some called him/her a troll and said he/she was mean and critical. I asked him/her some questions and he/she wrote a very astute comment to me that hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. You could say it was a wake up call for me.

Here is the comment. It's long, but read it carefully. I don't know if it will hit you the same way - but I hope it does, because he/she was so spot on - and I think a lot of what he/she said to me applies to you also - and anyone else who has begun to seriously thinking about cheating. (My questions are in italics, followed by his/her responses)

Here is the comment:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quote:
Originally Posted by mary35 View Post
Some questions for you NLS -

I am curious why you say my marriage is as good as finished?


Because of your attitude towards your fantasy life. It doesn't really scare, horrify and terrify you--it teases you, entices you, and attracts you. You are fascinated by the notion of having sex with other men. It is the lure of the forbidden fruit. It is an itch that you seem to have an obsession to scratch, and until you actually scratch it, it will just keep getting worse and worse and worse.

You are not looking at your fantasy life as a symptom that there is something seriously wrong in your marriage, and then making a realistic attempt to deal with whatever is wrong in your marriage. You are treating the fantasy--the desire to have sex with other men--as something that has its own, independent reality.

By constantly, obsessively ruminating over the possibility and/or fun of having an affair, despite your reservations (being a "good girl"), you are constantly reinforcing the obsession. It is only a matter of time before you act on the fantasy, or more likely, you allow yourself to be in a "situation" in which you can "make a mistake."


Quote:
Are all sexual fantasies a manifestation of growing emotional detachment - or just mine?


I'm just going based on what you said. If you don't feel that part of what you're going through includes starting to emotionally detach from your husband, then I'll take your word for it. However what you are going through right now is the early stages of a process that a lot of women go through who do end up cheating. And one of the reasons they end up cheating is because they keep telling themselves that they will never actually cheat. The intention precedes the act. Since for most women, they have to be at least somewhat emotionally involve before they can justify having sex with someone, this requires a process in which they start to emotionally detach from their spouse. At some point they come to believe that they are no longer "in love" with their spouse, then they start looking backwards and rewriting the marital history to make it seem worse than it actually was, and they focus their romantic attention on a real live male who is the embodiment of the fantasies. That's why it's often said affairs are fantasies. The affair partner is the "soul mate" because the fantasies are projected on the affair partner.

Why do you think you are so much different from every other married woman who never thought she would cheat on her husband, yet ended up doing so anyway? How do you think people get on the road from fidelity to cheating? It starts with mentally permitting oneself to believe that it might be a worthwhile thing to do, but couched as "just a fantasy."

The only difference is most of the stories we read about this are "after the fact," after the cheating has already happened. You're different than many others because it's still at the very early stages. Maybe you can nip it in the bud but you have to take active steps to do so. As long as you keep obsessing over the fantasy and telling yourself there's something out there that's better than your marriage you are at a very high risk level of progressing down that road. Nothing you wrote made me think you are particularly interested in putting out this particular fire, it actually sounds like you think you can hold onto this fantasy, cultivate it as a fantasy only, without causing further serious damage to your marriage, and without the risk of actually trying to make it real. Sorry you can't do that. It won't work. You can't cultivate and cherish these kinds of fantasies as you've been doing, and apparently, for quite some time now.

We're not talking about the typical idle, stray thought, where you look at someone hot and mentally undress them. This is a real obsession with you which puts you well on the road to actual cheating.



Quote:
Is it possible to have dissatisfaction with your spouse and or marriage and still have the marriage survive?


Yes of course, but the fact that you would frame the issue this way indicates that the blame shifting has already begun. Whether you realize it or not, by attributing your obsessive fantasizing about an affair to dissatisfaction with your spouse, you are blaming him for something he has no control over--that is, how you choose to mentally deal with whatever you are dissatisfied with in the marriage.

So what if you are dissatisfied in some way about your spouse? That does not justify fantasizing about other men nor does it justify attributing your fantasizing to your husband's supposed inadequacies. That's all blame shifting which is what cheaters do. The fact that you may not have actually cheated, yet, doesn't change the fact that you already have a cheater's mentality in certain respects. That's why I perceived that ultimately your marriage is not going to survive this.

If you were emotionally a healthy and complete person, the way you would attempt to address your husband's inadequacies or issues in the marriage itself, would NOT be by escaping into the fantasy of sex with other men. Rather you would attempt to discuss the issues with your husband or otherwise deal with the issues directly in a manner which would not cause additional harm to your marriage.

Even if you don't actually follow through with it, fantasies about having sex with other men cannot possibly be helping your marriage, can they? Nor can they possibly help you to address whatever inadequacies you perceive as attributable to your husband.

The reason you are having these obsessive fantasies is because YOU have some sort of emotional issue or inadequacy which is impairing your ability to fully love your husband--not the other way around. So you are escaping into the fantasy of believing the problem can be solved by trading one man (your husband) for another man, whoever the fantasy person is. Ultimately you will find a real life person to be the focus of your fantasies. He will be your "soul mate". You will tell your husband you love him but you are not "in love" with him.

That's how it generally works anyway.

Quote:
Do you think that just because someone says they think about having sex with people other than their spouse the marriage is doomed?


You are now minimizing your (mental) behavior which is also classic rationalization typically seen in the unfaithful spouse. You aren't simply "thinking" about having sex with other people, you are heavily obsessing about it.

If all you were doing was occasionally having a daydream about a hot guy but not taking it very seriously then no probably no danger at all. In your case you have allowed your fantasies to already seriously damage your relationship with your husband.

So it needs to stop immediately. All of it. The fantasizing. The telling yourself that somehow it's your husband's fault that you're having these fantasies. You need to stop telling yourself that these fantasies are anything other than a very serious emotional issue on YOUR part which WILL destroy your marriage unless you very firmly and decisively and completely recommit "all in" to your husband and marriage, and also that you need therapy.

Now if you are REALLY that dissatisfied with your marriage that you want to end it, then by all means do so, but not by sneakily having private fantasies which undermine your respect and love for your husband. Just get a divorce.
 
#108 ·
Ozzy,

You have stated that you love your wife. Therefore, you have an obligation to attempt to fix your relationship for this if no other reason. Start by working on yourself. Read MMSLP. Workout. Be more of a leader.

Stop enabling your wife by doing her homework.

Eating pvssy is good. It's just that you aren't into your wife, right now. I say give so many orgasms that she begs you to stop. Put her a position other than doggy and bang her just for yourself. Ankle earrings, perhaps? When you come she may, too.

What does she do with the money she saves?

Do you like Middle Eastern food and culture or are you sick of them now?

Your wife is entitled. She wastes money and takes you for granted. Is there anything good about her?

List her good points.

After you make an effort to change yourself and fix your marriage by all means divorce if you wish. Is not illegitimate.

You still have an opportunity to do a 180 on her and as you prepare to leave, she may change radically. Are you afraid that you can force her to change by the threat of divorce but that the cowed "improved" woman will be unattractive, in part because you had to coerce her instead of leading?

You are not so young. So, if you eventually divorce you may wish to find a new woman for an LTR. As you point out the doctor may not be the one.
 
#112 ·
Ozzzy, I will share what jumped out at me about your OP. But before I do, I will share a little about myself.

I'm 31, H is 38, married 6 years. H is a sex addict in recovery and was sober when we met. He has been going to 12 step meetings since he was 20.

My previous relationship was 4 years, was 17 when I met him and living out of home (another story) and we partied and had sex and I was up for whatever. I think it was mutual neediness that kept us together. We both cheated on eachother, me more than him,and as much as I felt I had my reasons, it was utterly soul destroying.

Even though I have not cheated on my H,, I sometimes have nightmares that I have, and I devastated.

So what jumped out at me...

You were both pretty young when you met, and hooked up because you found eachother attractive (nothing wrong with that) and stayed together because... that's a question i'd like. To ask you. I know what brought you together, but what kept you together? What made.you want to spend time together? Did you enjoy conversations? Make eachother laugh? Was there a sense of friendship? What did you have in common earlier on, and what led you to believe you were in love? What made you want to marry eachother (besides sexual attraction)?

Even though you have both evolved (as people do), and even though you were young, you still made a commitment. You have had children together, she has moved to your country away from all her family, language, culture and everything she knows, to have a life with you.

There are ups and downs in marriage, weak points, sore points, times when things feel a bit flat or too familiar.

Regarding sex, i'm not your wife so I can't speak for her, but I know for me, I was more open to certain things when I was younger than I am now. Part of it I think was that I wanted him to love me more, or wanted to keep him interested, or was thinking "everyone does this", or just experimenting. I did things I didn't really want to do. And as i've gotten older, there are things I just won't do, A because I don't like it, or B because I don't feel right about it. BJ still on the menu lol but on the whole, i'm more vanilla. I'm with your wife on doggy. I hate it, it hurts, and I find it not intimate at all.

If your sex has gone vanilla, it's kind of a natural progression, but it doesn't mean it can't be enjoyable for both.

Maybe you can ask her (in a gentle way rather than confrontational) why her preferences have changed, or if she didn't like certain things to begin with. Could be a good coversation starter to find out that turns her on these days.

Regarding the other woman...

Can I just say, that with her in the picture and with her on your mind, yu ate not in a sober enough state of mind to make a decision about your marriage. Get her out of your mind and your phone and your life, whatever it takes. And get accountable. This is a good start, but next, someone in your world needs to know. I can recommend SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous). Even if you don't believe you are an addict, keep an open mind and go along to a few meetings. It may just save your marriage.

Is there a friend or brother or anyone you can talk to about this? It's really important to bring this into the light with another person. It can really help break the power. Also prayer really helps me. Afraid times there has. Been a kind of inappropriate connection between me and someone and I don't know why or how it got there, but I ask God to break it and remove its power from.me, and every time, i have felt a tangible difference
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#116 ·
So what jumped out at me...

You were both pretty young when you met, and hooked up because you found each other attractive (nothing wrong with that) and stayed together because... that's a question i'd like. To ask you. I know what brought you together, but what kept you together? What made.you want to spend time together? Did you enjoy conversations? Make each other laugh? Was there a sense of friendship? What did you have in common earlier on, and what led you to believe you were in love? What made you want to marry each other (besides sexual attraction)?

Regarding sex, i'm not your wife so I can't speak for her, but I know for me, I was more open to certain things when I was younger than I am now. Part of it I think was that I wanted him to love me more, or wanted to keep him interested, or was thinking "everyone does this", or just experimenting. I did things I didn't really want to do. And as i've gotten older, there are things I just won't do, A because I don't like it, or B because I don't feel right about it. BJ still on the menu lol but on the whole, i'm more vanilla. I'm with your wife on doggy. I hate it, it hurts, and I find it not intimate at all.

If your sex has gone vanilla, it's kind of a natural progression, but it doesn't mean it can't be enjoyable for both.

Maybe you can ask her (in a gentle way rather than confrontational) why her preferences have changed, or if she didn't like certain things to begin with. Could be a good conversation starter to find out that turns her on these days.

Regarding the other woman...

Can I just say, that with her in the picture and with her on your mind, you are not in a sober enough state of mind to make a decision about your marriage. Get her out of your mind and your phone and your life, whatever it takes.
And get accountable.
Excellent post QuietSoul.
 
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