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I haven't cheated yet but I need help with what I should do with my marriage.

25K views 255 replies 45 participants last post by  Headspin 
#1 ·
This post might get kind of lengthy but there is a lot that I want to say in order to get the best advice that I can get. I’ve been reading here for a few months now and I know this is where I’ll end up if I end up cheating on my wife. I really want to avoid that but I’m not sure how much longer I can hold out.
I’ll start from the beginning. At the age of 20, I was working in a foreign country. I met my wife while she was there on a work visa. We hit it off immediately. Our relationship pretty much consisted of partying and sex. I barely knew her though at the time, that didn’t bother me. I was young and stupid and thought the key to finding a good wife was to get the one with the best t*ts and a$$.

Our relationship only went on for around 2 months before I had to come back to the states. I really missed her but I think I really missed all the sex. She was the most beautiful woman that I ever dated and I was young and stupid. Before I left, I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I started her process and she was here in America with me after around 7 months.
Life was good at first. She spoke a decent amount of English but it didn’t bother me much then. She wasn’t working so we pretty much just went out and had sex when I wasn’t at work. I actually enjoyed it and felt that I had a trophy wife.

After 2 years, we welcomed our first son who is now 7. We also have another son that will turn 2 soon. Now here is where the problem starts. WE ARE NOT COMPATIABLE AT ALL!!! I mean really, we have almost nothing in common. We don’t like the same types of movies, we are not into the same activities, and we don’t have the same types of friends. I've always wanted her to have her own identity but she tries too hard to gravitate towards what I like. If we go out to eat, I always get to choose the place. I want her to have her own mind and voice. We don’t even practice the same religion. She is Christian and I was Christian at one point of my life. Once I got older, I decided that I do not believe in God and I do not support Christianity although I do believe in some type of higher power. Also, sex has changed a great deal. She used to do anything sexually that I asked but now she doesn’t. She does not want to give blow jobs anymore because she says it’s disgusting. We don’t do doggy style anymore because she says it is painful. I’m so sexually frustrated that I can’t even get it up for her anymore. Trust me, that’s saying a lot since she is a very beautiful person. She constantly has guys trying to hit on her and I only bring that up to prove that she is very attractive.

For a long time, I’ve tried to mold her into the woman that I wanted her to be. She speaks English pretty well but her reading and writing is pretty bad. If I had to guess, I would say that she reads and writes on a 5th grade level. I’ve tried putting her in college courses and that hasn’t helped. The first time, I was stupid and did all the work for her. I wrote all her essays for her English class and she got an A. However, she didn’t learn anything at all and pretty much relied on me. She is currently taking classes and it pisses me off when she pretends to be tired during the week and then when the assignment is finally due, she pesters me to help her with it and I end up pretty much doing it for her.

Money: I grew up under the assumption that a man should pay for everything. She’s been working since 2006 and contributes very little if anything to bills. At first, it didn’t bother me but as I’ve gotten older, it’s really getting to me. I see how other women treat their husbands and how things are split equally. All my wife pays is the electric bill which is $150 a month. I pay all of the other bills included house note, insurance, food, diapers, etc… Even then, she complains if the electric bill is over $150 per month.

Present: There’s a woman that I’ve been talking to. She is younger than me but pretty attractive. She’s made it evident that she is interested in me but I’ve been trying to keep my distance. She is very smart and is currently in medical school. She knows that I’m married and that I have a ton of issues with my wife. We have not have sex or even went out yet but I can definitely see both of those things happening in the future. Even if things didn’t work out between me and this woman, I’m actually intrigued that I could potentially be with someone like this who could make me happy. Someone who is smart and wouldn’t mind supporting the family financially. I’ve been having sexual fantasies about this other woman and in these fantasies, I see myself doing things to her that I wish I could do with my wife. I know that if I was happy in my marriage, I wouldn’t be having these fantasies.

So here I am. What should I do? I would feel like an absolute ******* if I told my wife that I’m divorcing her. She is happy and the kids are happy. I’ve given her this life and I would be taking it away from them. There’s no way she could afford this house by herself so she would have to move somewhere smaller or move back to her country with the kids. I love both my sons but I feel that I deserve to be happy too. I know that if I keep talking to this other woman, we will end up having sex and getting more serious. My wife now has no intention of bettering herself and she seems like she would be happy being beautiful and illiterate for the rest of her life. Still, that’s my fault because I married her and brought her here for all the wrong reasons. Should I just accept the fact that I will be forced to lie in this bed for the rest of my life or should I try to pursue my own happiness even if it means that my wife and kids won’t live as comfortably as before? By the way, I’m around 29 years old and my wife is a couple years younger.
 
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#198 ·
Ozzzy , if you're still with us, would like to know what measure you are going to take in the next 24 hours to get some help and accountability. You have heaps of people here reaching out to you, recommending what helped them, sharing books and their experiences.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#199 ·
Guys,

It's really hard for me to grasp how much of it is a big deal that we are just going out to lunch. However, I do have to acknowledge that many here have been down this road that I'm looking down. Out of respect for my marriage (and my wife), I'll just cancel the meet for now. I really didn't see it as a big deal since I know that nothing was going to happen. I really hope it's worth it because I'm at the end of my rope with my wife. I almost wish that she could see me out with the other lady just so she could physically see how far gone our marriage is. No matter what I say/do, she just doesn't see it.
 
#201 ·
Well, that's an easy fix: "Wife, I had made plans to have lunch with ABC. I'm unhappy being married to you because you aren't meeting my needs. I know that if I went to that lunch with ABC, she would have met my needs and it probably would have developed into an affair. I'm telling you so that you have fair warning that I'm dangerously close to leaving this marriage. If I don't see changes, I guess I'll assume you are too, and I'll make plans to see a lawyer."
 
#200 ·
Ok, good Ozzy. You're canceling the date. But did you even read my post? You're really making this way more difficult than it needs to be. Quit playing head games with your wife, quit the lack of proper communication, and DO THIS: (sorry for the double post folks)

Ozzzy...

This really is quite simple:

1. Cancel the lunch date with the OW

2. Get yourselves in to see a marriage counselor (and some individual counseling for you would be good too). During counseling, have an open discussion with your wife -- tell her EVERYTHING, including your feelings for OW, your dissatisfaction with your sex life, your concerns about finances, her education, English, etc. I'm sure she will have a long list for you as well.

3. Identify your needs and your wife's needs in this marriage

4. Decide whether or not both of your needs can be met

5. If your marriage is worth saving, you and your wife will make it happen. If not, it wasn't meant to be. File for divorce.
If you follow that advice, you'll have your answer in no time.
 
#202 ·
Oozy all you can do is give your all for a finite period of time. Give your marriage your full attention. Have goals that you would like to hit at various time points and at the end review where you are.

Go to your wife with the plan, don't ask her if she wants to do it, request that she take this seriously and agree on the goals.

Then start. Don't assume the worse if she seem unengaged at first. She will get it, if she wants, once you get the process of MC and changes in place. She will realize how close she is to losing her family.

I think you should be honest with her about this girl. You are being transparent about where you are and she gets a chance to R or not. You both get a better idea of where you stand.
 
#205 ·
ozzy I wanted to take a different approach in this post.

I give you credit for staying here. many people have been swinging 2x4's trying to get you to see the light.

that said, I agree with the sentiment here that having an affair is a horrible idea. it will only make matters worse and much harder to deal with. but I do agree with you that you do have reasonable rights and expectations that aren't being met by your wife. But that doesn't give you license to go have an affair. think of it this way, two wrongs don't make a right.....if someone robs your home, you don't get a free pass to go rob someone else because you were wronged. you took vows, and even if your wife in her own way isn't upholding yours, don't stoop to her level and break yours.

I do view a spouse that has checked out, in their own world, being selfish, neglecting the spouse needs as basically breaking their vows. while this isn't as caustic as infidelity and can be recovered from, an affair isn't the answer.

what you need to do is work at repairing or ending your relationship. stop playing games. its getting you knowwhere except closer and closer to having an affair. and don't kid yourself, you ARE in an emotional affair right now with this new intriguing woman. the problem is, it just fogs your interactions with your wife and how you perceive her and many things, so end it immediately.

once you have ended your EA, then you can begin to make a clear decision if your marriage is salvageable. you can do all the right things, you can try and make changes to your life and give your wife more of what she needs from you. but this also means she has to be open to meeting your reasonable needs as well. if this cant be done, than divorce and move on. but at least you can hold your head high and know you did things the right way and save yourself and your spouse considerably more pain than what an affair will do to both of you.
 
#207 ·
My brother's wife just told him she's leaving him. He's been taking her for granted, expecting her to work full time yet do all the housework, take care of SIX cats (and litter boxes), feed him, dress him, and the yardwork. She was expected to agree with his choices of vacations and activities, his plans for their lives, and retire when he wanted her to. He's incredibly negative and becoming unbelievably close-minded, conservative, and bigoted. She couldn't take it any more. And yet, when she told him she was leaving, and listed all these things, he went and vacuumed the living room and cleaned a toilet. He thought it would be good enough to get her to stay.

Of course it isn't.

But, boy, has it woken him up. Suddenly, he is all about HER, after years of no affection. Suddenly, she's all he wants, NOW he wants to go to therapy, now he cares about what she thinks.

I'm telling you this to show you that things are complicated, yes, but there's no getting around psychology. Once you remove yourself from your marriage's settled ways, once you make it clear you're (thinking of) leaving, one of two things will happen: If she loves you, she'll wake up and say wait, don't go, what can I do. If she's really just been along for the ride and stayed out of convenience, she won't. She'll either say ok, let's split up, or she'll pretend to care but not really change.

Either way, you'll have your answer. But choosing a passive aggressive way to blow up your marriage (meeting another woman) will only result in hard feelings and BAD feelings all around. Take the high road. Talk to your wife.
 
#208 ·
ozzzy, you keep saying your at the end of your rope, ready to go betray your wife, divorce, etc.

and your wife wont go to counseling?

just show her this thread. worst case scenario, she divorces you. but, thats not exactly the worst case scenario, since your at the end of your rope and already considering divorce, right?

best case scenario is that she starts talking, agrees to counseling, and your marriage improves.

or are you too ashamed to do it?
 
#211 ·
Just wanted to update you guys. I finally had a good conversation with my wife last night. I laid the groundwork and told her that I'm not happy. She believes that since we have "good memories" together, we should stay together if only for the kids. I pretty much told her that we are going to counseling and if it doesn't work this time, I'm done. I told her that we are both young and both deserve to be happy. It's too early for me to understand how she feels about this but I'm really happy that she now knows how I feel.

As for the other woman, I cancelled the lunch date like I said I would. I've tried to keep my distance but I have found myself going through withdrawal when we don't talk. I think we are just too attached right now so I'm just going to try to find a way to get over her. I've found myself fantasizing over a life that may not not even be possible. I'm going to try and stay strong for my wife and kids. Thanks for all the advice!
 
#214 ·
As for the other woman, I cancelled the lunch date like I said I would. I've tried to keep my distance but I have found myself going through withdrawal when we don't talk. I think we are just too attached right now so I'm just going to try to find a way to get over her. I've found myself fantasizing over a life that may not not even be possible. I'm going to try and stay strong for my wife and kids. Thanks for all the advice!
That's a mature and wise decision.

This is why you don't have affairs. You ARE already cheating. You are in an emotional affair. Your comments above I highlighted confirm that without a doubt.

This is why you

a. don't confide your marital problems to other women
b. don't meet with women in private you are attracted to
c. don't put time and energy into other women instead of your marriage

These things lead to serious problems at home.
You have already begun making ridiculous comparisons.

Have you admitted to your wife that you've been disrespectful to her behind her back?

Last point. Do NOT expect counseling to be a cure all.

The two of YOU repair the marriage, NOT the therapist.

And lastly experience has shown that only 1 in 5 therapists on average make an improvement in marriages. The rest prove ineffective or in some cases make things worse.

Do NOT expect a therapist to magically cure everything.

You two need to

a. do your therapist shopping carefully, you may have to visit several until you find one you are both comfortable with
b. educate yourselves on infidelity with a good book ahead of time - Not Just Friends is a landmark classic that every spouse should read
c. do the home work you are assigned
d. don't expect improvement overnight

Lastly, do NOT expect your spouse to "make you happy".. that's YOUR job. Do NOT lay that at your spouses' feet. You are just rationalizing a quick exit from the marriage and blaming your spouse while you run out the door.

Focus on mature adult choices that make both of you better off... always be looking for the WIN-WIN. They do exist.
 
#215 ·
Yes the withdrawal and any thoughts of missing the OW are because you were in an EA. Think of it this way if your cancelled a lunch with a male friend would you be going through withdrawal, I think not.

Please go complete NC with OW and focus on your marriage. Also get to MC but don't just go to MC as a way to play with your wife and then later say "I tried" etc, either commit to working on the marriage (which you should) or get out ( but without the OW). Do not waste your wife's time, do not steal any more moments of her life if you cannot work on this marriage!!

Please do not even consider leaving your wife for the OW, as the OW is a real piece of work if she wants anything to do with a married man, as no person with morals and integrity gets involved with a married person. As everyone has told you if you have an affair you will destroy more than you can imagine and your wife and children don't deserve the pain they will suffer.
 
#217 ·
btw, ozzzy, one of my favorite points people make is this: If you put as much energy into pleasing your wife (causing her to want to please YOU) as you put into your mistress, your marriage would have no problems worth complaining about.

Your wife wants a loving partner just as much as you do. Just get back to that point. Pick up HNHN on the way home, sit down with your wife, and start reading it together. It will change your life.
 
#220 ·
I understand this but I also feel that I've put a lot of energy into this marriage that I would consider as being wasted. Over time, I've probably started to put more energy into things that didn't help my marriage. I guess it's just natural. I could put energy into making my wife dinner and possibly having mediocre sex. Or, I could put that same energy into someone else and get a whole lot more for my time.

I'll try again with this marriage and I will put all my energy into her. If I'm not getting the same feeling in return, then I see divorce as my only option.
 
#219 ·
Should I at some point tell my wife about this other woman? I have to admit that I'm still in contact with her and we still flirt over chat. We had an unavoidable encounter earlier and all I could think about was sleeping with her. I just can't explain what the feeling is although I'm sure some here have been in a similar position. She pretty much laid it out there a few weeks ago that she is available when I am ready. Some part of me just wants to say screw it and tell her to get a room but my conscious is holding me back.

I didn't think to tell my wife last night and I was hoping to try to keep this to myself. I'm afraid that if my wife knows about this other woman, she will dismiss all my complaints about this marriage and think that I'm making them up as an excuse to be with this other woman. I'm also afraid that if my wife finds out now, her actions and my emotional state would probably drive me closer to the other woman. If my wife asks me about this woman's characteristics, she will see that she is the polar opposite and I know she will get jealous. Should I try to sit down with her about this now or should I try to wait until we are at counseling?
 
#221 ·
If you are truly meaning to put all effort into your marriage, then you must go NO CONTACT with the OW.

A marriage cannot survive with 3 people involved. You have an emotional connection with her. She is an emotional affair partner for you. She has offered up sex to you. She will soon be your physical affair partner if you aren't careful. And that is a road you don't want to go down.

Read all the stories of pain and betrayal on this site. Both from BS & WS.

IT'S NOT WORTH IT
 
#222 ·
Counseling is not a worth while endeavor if you are still in your affair. It is just a smoke screen and waste of money as you are not fully engaged in it. Either end the A and start counselling or just D now as counselling while in an A is just a mediocre band aid at best.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#227 ·
I posted this before, but it didn't form a link. Why people cheat, and the chemistry at work:
https://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_tells_us_why_we_love_cheat

The most important reason you should tell your wife is that if you don't, you are very much more likely to follow through and take it to P A. Countless people have stood at the same precipice as the one you are at, and convinced themselves they could handle it, that they wouldn't ever do such a thing, and then proceeded to ruin their lives in short order (including my wife). Believe this, and there's plenty of evidence on this site, as a rule, cheaters are incredibly stupid. Now consider the fact that you ozzzzy, are already a cheater, involved in an EA. You aren't superman, you're simply human. You've shown a lot more insight than many cheaters, by coming here and throwing out the anchor to slow your slide deeper into the ****. You can stop it, you can get off the slide, and back onto solid footing, if you choose to. If you reach out to your wife and loved ones and ask for help.
 
#230 ·
ozzzy... your wife is such a precious lady. she is going through life with bliss, thinking that her husband loves her. she goes to bed at night with the knowledge that her man wont betray her. he will protect her. he LOVES her.

i feel so bad for her... she has no idea what your about to do to her.
 
#236 · (Edited)
Why don't you D? You are planing to humiliate your wife in a way that you can easily avoid by D'ing. This is deliberate selfish cruelty to a women who does not deserve this treatment.

Can you figure out why this OW wants to have anything to do with you? I am not sure it is raw sexual attraction. Your posts project a weak-willed, insecurity that is not usually attractive to a woman.

Could it be money or anything of concrete value that she wants? Maybe it's me but it's hard to see her pursuit as raw sexual attraction.

You trade things for sex, what have you got that she would see as valuable? Does she see you as a skilled lover?

Will she be disappointed in any of your physical attributes, you know the organ with the small brain. Are you overweight, skinny weak arms, pot belly?

You are probably better off working on yourself and your marriage. This woman is playing you. When you're hooked she is bound to get bored quickly and dump you.
 
#239 ·
Yes I'm still here. I just haven't seen a need to post much more since my thoughts haven't changed since my last few posts. I'm still going to try to work out things in my wife. Yes, I'm still in contact with the other woman and even if I cut her off completely (phone/email), there are still days when I bump into her. The attraction is more than sexual because we have so much more in common. I enjoy talking to her and I feel that is something that I need in my life right now. We have a lot in common and I don't see how giving that up would necessarily help my marriage.

I don't feel that affairs are so black and white like you guys are portraying it. So what if she has shown interest and so what if I've been tempted. I've made the decision to not take our relationship to a physical level. Still, that doesn't mean that we can't be friends and keep in touch. I can control myself and I feel like I have control in this situation.

Also, someone mentioned that I didn't bring up my kids. Of course, I love them and of course I know that they will be hurt the most if we go through divorce. I also think that they are resilient and if we do divorce, they'll get over it one day. I just can't see myself staying with anyone "for the kids" but that's just me. What happens when the kids are grown and move out? What would be my excuse for staying then?

As for my wife, we have our first counseling session next week. I've pretty much told her how I felt and I plan to tell more at our first session. Everyone here is jumping on me like I'm the bad guy but what you fall to realize is that you are talking to a man that's been putting up with this crap for years. I refuse to live the rest of my life trying to make my wife happy if it means that I can't be happy. I'm far from a perfect man and I know that I've made some bad decisions. However, I deserve to be happy just like everyone else and that's what I'm fighting for. If that means divorce, then so be it. I want a give-take relationship rather than a give-give relationship. My family doesn't realize it yet but that is what I truly want.

As far as I'm concerned, the foundation my marriage was built on was flawed from the beginning. I've already mentioned that we were both very young and we got married for the physical attraction alone. When I look back on it, it makes me upset. I didn't even know what her life plans were. I didn't know her spending habits and if she was good with money. We hadn't even lived with each other until she came to live with me in the states. It was pretty much just a physical attraction that would have subsided had I thought about it for a few more months. To be fair, she didn't know much about me either. For that alone, she is lucky that I've been able to hold this family apart for this long because if I shared her mentality on life, we wouldn't even have a quarter of what we have now.

Is our marriage salvageable? I really don't know. I do promise to put forth the effort to fix it and hope for the best.
 
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