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I haven't cheated yet but I need help with what I should do with my marriage.

25K views 255 replies 45 participants last post by  Headspin 
#1 ·
This post might get kind of lengthy but there is a lot that I want to say in order to get the best advice that I can get. I’ve been reading here for a few months now and I know this is where I’ll end up if I end up cheating on my wife. I really want to avoid that but I’m not sure how much longer I can hold out.
I’ll start from the beginning. At the age of 20, I was working in a foreign country. I met my wife while she was there on a work visa. We hit it off immediately. Our relationship pretty much consisted of partying and sex. I barely knew her though at the time, that didn’t bother me. I was young and stupid and thought the key to finding a good wife was to get the one with the best t*ts and a$$.

Our relationship only went on for around 2 months before I had to come back to the states. I really missed her but I think I really missed all the sex. She was the most beautiful woman that I ever dated and I was young and stupid. Before I left, I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I started her process and she was here in America with me after around 7 months.
Life was good at first. She spoke a decent amount of English but it didn’t bother me much then. She wasn’t working so we pretty much just went out and had sex when I wasn’t at work. I actually enjoyed it and felt that I had a trophy wife.

After 2 years, we welcomed our first son who is now 7. We also have another son that will turn 2 soon. Now here is where the problem starts. WE ARE NOT COMPATIABLE AT ALL!!! I mean really, we have almost nothing in common. We don’t like the same types of movies, we are not into the same activities, and we don’t have the same types of friends. I've always wanted her to have her own identity but she tries too hard to gravitate towards what I like. If we go out to eat, I always get to choose the place. I want her to have her own mind and voice. We don’t even practice the same religion. She is Christian and I was Christian at one point of my life. Once I got older, I decided that I do not believe in God and I do not support Christianity although I do believe in some type of higher power. Also, sex has changed a great deal. She used to do anything sexually that I asked but now she doesn’t. She does not want to give blow jobs anymore because she says it’s disgusting. We don’t do doggy style anymore because she says it is painful. I’m so sexually frustrated that I can’t even get it up for her anymore. Trust me, that’s saying a lot since she is a very beautiful person. She constantly has guys trying to hit on her and I only bring that up to prove that she is very attractive.

For a long time, I’ve tried to mold her into the woman that I wanted her to be. She speaks English pretty well but her reading and writing is pretty bad. If I had to guess, I would say that she reads and writes on a 5th grade level. I’ve tried putting her in college courses and that hasn’t helped. The first time, I was stupid and did all the work for her. I wrote all her essays for her English class and she got an A. However, she didn’t learn anything at all and pretty much relied on me. She is currently taking classes and it pisses me off when she pretends to be tired during the week and then when the assignment is finally due, she pesters me to help her with it and I end up pretty much doing it for her.

Money: I grew up under the assumption that a man should pay for everything. She’s been working since 2006 and contributes very little if anything to bills. At first, it didn’t bother me but as I’ve gotten older, it’s really getting to me. I see how other women treat their husbands and how things are split equally. All my wife pays is the electric bill which is $150 a month. I pay all of the other bills included house note, insurance, food, diapers, etc… Even then, she complains if the electric bill is over $150 per month.

Present: There’s a woman that I’ve been talking to. She is younger than me but pretty attractive. She’s made it evident that she is interested in me but I’ve been trying to keep my distance. She is very smart and is currently in medical school. She knows that I’m married and that I have a ton of issues with my wife. We have not have sex or even went out yet but I can definitely see both of those things happening in the future. Even if things didn’t work out between me and this woman, I’m actually intrigued that I could potentially be with someone like this who could make me happy. Someone who is smart and wouldn’t mind supporting the family financially. I’ve been having sexual fantasies about this other woman and in these fantasies, I see myself doing things to her that I wish I could do with my wife. I know that if I was happy in my marriage, I wouldn’t be having these fantasies.

So here I am. What should I do? I would feel like an absolute ******* if I told my wife that I’m divorcing her. She is happy and the kids are happy. I’ve given her this life and I would be taking it away from them. There’s no way she could afford this house by herself so she would have to move somewhere smaller or move back to her country with the kids. I love both my sons but I feel that I deserve to be happy too. I know that if I keep talking to this other woman, we will end up having sex and getting more serious. My wife now has no intention of bettering herself and she seems like she would be happy being beautiful and illiterate for the rest of her life. Still, that’s my fault because I married her and brought her here for all the wrong reasons. Should I just accept the fact that I will be forced to lie in this bed for the rest of my life or should I try to pursue my own happiness even if it means that my wife and kids won’t live as comfortably as before? By the way, I’m around 29 years old and my wife is a couple years younger.
 
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#238 ·
Can't believe I read this entire thread. It's like 16 pages of....






Do your wife a favor and divorce her. This is just 16 pages of self-serving drivel. It's pretty obvious what you want to do and from what I can tell you're far more interested in blaming your wife for all your marital (and possibly psychological) issues and arguing against any advice for taking steps to fixing your marriage or not cheating.

If you're going to cheat, go out and do it. To me it looks like your mind is already made up. I'm not sure what you're doing here, all you seem to do is want to question, ignore, and argue against the advice people are giving you despite being willing to admit the critiques on your personality and mentality. But I ask that you quit wasting people's time on this forum if you're not even going to pretend to take the advice given to you.
 
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#241 ·
Actually, it is that black and white. You just don't want to give up your fix. Your brain is swimming in chemicals, triggered by the novelty of the other woman. Your rationalization hamster is in overdrive, demonizing your wife, rewriting your history, in order to make the indefensible defensible.

You say you'll put in the effort to fix your marriage, but won't cut off contact. What effort then? Effectively none. Don't bother with marriage counselling, you're wasting your hard earned money, spend it on a divorce instead.

Should you be happy? Sure you should. Is it your wife's fault that you're not? No ****ing way. Will dumping her make you happy, enable some damsel to sweep in and make you happy? Not a chance. You'll still have the same issues within holding you back. You'll co create the same ****ty situation with anyone who chooses to get involved deeply with you.
 
#245 ·
fwiw, my father cheating on my mother and the subsequent divorce RUINED MY LIFE. It turned me into a lifelong MESS. No longer having my dad in my house, and all the emotional bullsh*t that went along with it, the questioning what I did wrong, the convincing that if I had just been better he never would have left, the wondering why he cared more about the new woman than he did me, the watching him DITCH me the day I turned 16 (you have a car and you know where to find me) just because SHE said so...

You are well and truly CLUELESS about what devastation you are about to rain down on the children you pretend to love.
 
#249 ·
But what about your dad's happiness? What about your mother's happiness? I don't doubt that you felt pain but wouldn't it seem that their happiness should be a part of the equation too? Do you think it would have been better for your mother to keep taking him back while he constantly saw other women? In the end, parents should try to create a better environment for their kids. I don't think an environment where one or both parents are unhappy is a good environment for a child.

As for me, my father was into drugs/women and he left when I was around 9. It didn't bother me much then and still doesn't bother me today. Seeing my mom happy was worth more than any sort of entitlement I thought I was owed because he wasn't there.
 
#250 ·
I think my father should have kept his d*ck in his pants. But he couldn't. He was a selfish spoiled brat baby of the family who was used to women doting on him and when my mom had the audacity to refuse to quit her nursing job to be his housewife, he cheated. There are some cases where the cheater just needs to grow up and be moral.

Again, we are not telling you to stay with your wife. We are telling you to either (1) stay with your wife ONLY if you never contact OW again because keeping both of them on the hook is IMMORAL or if you really don't want her, (2) have the moral integrity to divorce your wife and then pursue the other woman.
 
#251 ·
btw, what you are telling us? All the problems, all the reasons, all the seemingly valid incontrovertable 'evidence' that you weren't meant to be with your wife? Affair fog. We see it here over and over and over and over and over again. It's biological, chemical, psychological, and every one of you cheaters - unless you're just a sociopath - goes through the EXACT SAME metamorphosis, sees through the exact same fog, uses the exact same script. Thus my 'says every cheater ever.' If you had asked, we could have told YOU what you were about to tell US. Heard it all before. Your OW is nothing special. Your marriage wasn't especially doomed. You're just following the script.

The Wayward Fog is described as similar to being brainwashed. The thrill of the affair envelops the wayward partner in good feelings and the excitement can be overwhelming. S/he feels a new high, a feeling of being “in love.” Comparisons are made between the marriage and the affair and, inevitably, the marriage suffers.

They Justify The Infidelity

Next begins a repeated internal dialogue of rationalizations, over and over again in their minds. The Wayward Spouse needs to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up and minimise their feelings of guilt. They may convince themselves that their marriage was already bad and that it had been for a long time, that their spouse doesn’t really love them, and that the affair partner must truly be their “soul-mate” because he/she is the only one who understands them. They may tell themselves, and the Betrayed Spouse, that the Betrayed Spouse is “better off without them.” Frequently this rationalization leads to inventing reasons for having the affair in the first place, including that the affair is like “therapy,” something they do for themselves. They say it makes them a better, happier spouse — “If I am happier, then how could that be bad for my marriage/family/spouse?”

Loss of Empathy

After a short time, they cease to think of anyone else’s feelings — not parents, not spouses, not children, not friends — only their feelings and the feelings of their Affair Partner. To a foggy Wayward, the Other Person is without flaws, weaknesses or selfishness. Soon the cheating spouse begins to believe the lies they’ve been telling themselves. They, therefore, act accordingly, treating their spouse with anger and hostility, and their affair partner in a loving and affectionate way. Despite all of this, the Wayward might not want out of the marriage. They enjoy the familial comfort of home, with the added excitement of the affair. It is as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, no matter the total disregard for the Betrayed.

Thus beings a cycle of wash, rinse, and repeat and soon they are deeply entrenched in the fog.

A typical Affair Fog, also called The Wayward Script, includes:

* Re-writing marriage history
* Projecting blame for the Wayward Spouse’s guilt onto the Betrayed Spouse
* The typical “I love you but…”
* The proclamation that the other person is the Wayward Spouse’s “soul mate”
* The demonizing of the Betrayed Spouse in order to rationalize the Wayward Spouse’s infidelity.
* Gaslighting

An Addictive Fantasy

Of course, The Fog is nothing more than a fantasy created by the affair partners. They are under the influence of an addictive drug similar to that of a teenager in love. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to remove them from this Fog. The dopamine that is released in the brain is the same chemical that is released when someone uses cocaine or opium. It clouds judgement and makes people do and say things they would never do or say otherwise. This does not excuse the Wayward Spouse for their behaviour, it just partially explains what is occurring within their thought process.

The Wayward Fog Is NOT An Excuse

I cannot stress enough — The Fog does not provide an excuse for the actions of the Wayward Spouse. However, it certainly does explain where some of the behaviour comes from and how it can manifest. If you read any of the works of Dr. Helen Fisher, you will gain a clearer understanding of the dynamics of the human mating system and how dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin can affect a person’s judgement and personality.
Coping With Infidelity: Understanding The "Wayward Fog" - Marriage AdvocatesMarriage Advocates
 
#252 ·
Then as we have said. D her and move on. Don't destroy her and you kids for some fleeting attraction.

I agree that everyone deserves happiness, but it is not her fault that you are not happy. She might be just as unhappy as you, but her culture may frown upon women expressing such thoughts to the men in their life.

As for the college courses to learn her culture and language. Did you ever think that it may not help in your current location, but it would do wonders to show her that you are willing to work to accept her and her heritage. She might feel alienated and unacceptable in your eyes, as she may see it as you view her culture and therefor her and her family on a social scale less than you put yourself on. As Americans we tend to think that everyone looks up and strives to be us, but we are not always higher on the social ladder. Also, your kids have the heritage in them and wouldn't it behove you to make sure that they know of this as well?

You have continually brought up her family coming over here, but how do you know that is what they have always wanted and that they didn't do it just to be closer to their daughter? They might have really never had a desire to live in the US, but felt it was either that or never see their child/ sibling again?

I am not saying you are wrong in lots of your opinions, but more that they are very one sided and don't seem to account for possibilities on the other side of the coin. You are constantly defending yourself as you say we are all against you, and that is fine, but we only have your side of the story, you're the only one here, and we have seen the blame shifting all to often from people in affairs. Your side of the story has you as Mr. Rodgers and the eternal provider that does nothing but bows at her feet while requiring all sorts of things from her which she is unwilling to even attempt. Does that sound like a fair assessment of your M?

The fog tends to color one's impressions and cause them to rewrite history. We are not saying you are wrong, as everything may be the god's honest truth, but if that is the case then you should D. If you are thinking about R then something inside must say that not everything is exactly as you are seeing or portraying it. Just my $0.02 and worth what you paid for it.
 
#256 ·
Hehe you have to give it to 'em

I've read the first few and the last couple :smthumbup: Excellent

Simple analysis :

Cake eater .. and one that justifies their position - Top marks for that

Death by slow twisting of the trickle gaslighing knife

Nil respect given.

So answer = Nil respect in return from anybody that understands how all this works

Thought I'd just chip in with an accurate representation for all those who haven't bothered with this thread

;)
 
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