NeoGeo

Hi folks, I don't know where else to turn, since I have been advised "the less people you tell, the less people you'll have to explain things too"

My wife and I just celebrated our ten year anniversary in August. We started dating in high school. Nothing extraordinarily wrong with our marriage, pretty good with the occasional spat over money, etc. We have a 4 year old son and a 3 year old daughter.

A few weeks ago, I catch her over at another man's house at 10 PM. I check the phone records, and sure enough they have been calling and texting very secretive-like for several weeks. So definately a emotional affair. Was it sexual? I dont know and probably never will. I give her several chances to come clean, and when she doesn't, I get furious. (I got all the phone records unbeknownst to her).

So anyway, long story short, she downplays everything, admits nothing until I bust her on it and tell her I have the phone records. Then she says they were just friends and maybe some flirty texting. OM is a divorced guy with 2 kids, and I had a hunch that he liked her.

To her credit, she cut off all contact with the OM and apologized profusely. But I just can't forgive her! Argghh!!!

Fast forward, we have gone to marriage counseling and we've talked about communication. I'm not a good communicator, I'll admit. But dammit, I'm a good husband, father, and provider. I refuse to be blamed here, and she barely admits any wrongdoing. Only when the counselor asks her if it was inappropriate she says yes.

It's been a few weeks since we went to counseling. Tonight, she is on Facebook. I walk up and she closes down a chat window with her boss. Background on her boss, he's 10 years older, married, Dentist - not a prime candidate for an affair, but they do chat in the evenings after work. Whatever. He has a history of cheating, which she told me about a long time ago. So I still have my suspicions.

So when she closes down the chat window, I get pissed! I sling her wine glass across the room (away from her of course) and it shatters into a thousand pieces. Wrong move, I know, but she it has been less than a month since all this went down, and now she is acting shady, hiding chat windows and such??? I am pissed!

We have a heated argument, and she can't believe I am acting this way. Like I'm crazy or something. I tell her to put herself in my shoes. But wait, she has no idea how much she has hurt me, or how she has destroyed my trust. NO IDEA.

I tell her I want her to delete her Facebook acct. I tell her she is not allowed to go on a work trip out of town (next weekend), unless someone else will be there besides her and him . She still thinks I am acting crazy and she can't believe I would think something is going on between her and her boss. I tell her, you have a history of cheating and so does he. She still says it wasn't cheating, she had no physical involvement with the OM. She can't believe I am accusing her of this.

She makes me feel like I am crazy, but I know I'm not!!! I have phone records, and the counselor who agrees with me that her relationship was inappriopriate.

If there weren't kids involved, I'd be gone, seriously. I won't put up with this sh$t. But the kids make everything so complicated. How can I rip apart our family? Or how could she have done this? Help, what am I to do?

Initfortheduration

Set up a polygraph. If she refuses, you know she fd this other guy. Most likely she will confess. The question is, whether you are strong enough to deal with it? She cheated.

Atholk

Keylogger the computer. Google "Spectro Pro".

She probably was physical with the OM.

A polygraph may be of use too.

__________________
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marga88

Your wife maybe bored to death, but that is not a reason to cheat. But until when can you go on not trusting her? it can be really exhausting and can affect your family. it's either you work things out or just leave her. don't let the burden be on your shoulder, tell her if she's not going to change, she's out of there.

Corkey88

You need to sit her down and ask her honestly, does she want to be in this marriage or not? She needs to answer this question honestly - look into her eyes when she does.

If she says yes, there are some things that must be done and done without exception:

1. Facebook account is deleted or you also get access to her account. You get the username and password and you give her yours as well. Deleting it is a better option - FB is just one big meat market for married people and otherwise to hook up with old flames. If you have an inkling to cheat, FB makes it oh so easy.

2. You get to see her cell phone, anytime, anywhere..no exceptions. Complete and total transparency. The secrets and lies are over if you ever want to trust her again.

3. No more contact with the OM! If she ever contacts him again, in any fashion, you will file for divorce.

Just remember, you won't regain her respect by throwing things. You will by telling her that she comes back to this relationship on your terms....you set the limits. You will not be treated like a piece of crap and if she wants to do that, you file for divorce, petition for full custody of the kids, and tell her friends and relatives about what she did just so they know why this family is falling apart.

Rob774

Perhaps i'm ole school, but if i catch my wife over another man's house at 10pm, i don't need anyone to confirm if she's cheating or not, because i will assume the worst his happening. To me there is boundaries of a marriage, and being over some guys house that i don't know anything about is a clear violatoin. Then with the shady stuff on top of that...

Becareful, because she isn't even trying to admit any wrong doing. Continue to seek professional help, just try to get it through to her how serious this is.

Sadman

This mirrors pretty much what happened to me around 11 months ago.
My wife was on Facebook talking to another man, developed into texts and phone calls and then she finally met up with him.
I was so upset, when she was found out she denied anything had gone on and they were just friends.

Only last night I brought up things as I do when I`m overly tired and stressed.

What didn`t help my recovery period was when my wife saw how devestatingly upset I was and she promised to end all ties, I would come home and catch her talking to him on Facebook or I would find out she had phoned him but with another sim card.

We have moved on considerably but sometimes the doubts and trust issues rear their ugly head.

Facebook and email passwords you should obtain from her, no more lies or secrets, it can get better.

Hopefully you can get over all this, the other person never appreciates the hurt it causes, they think it`s a little harmless fun.

the guy

Hey Geo, you are not ripping your family apart, she is. Set the boundries and its all in her court. Its her choice to rip the family apart and her choice to cross your boundries Then it will be her that created the consequences of her behavior.

Keep in mind the affairs are an end result of a troubled marraige if you both change your behaviors you have a chance, and if one decides they did nothing wrong then most likely they see no need to change. So good luck and I hope that both of you can see the behaviors that need to be changed with in your selves, so that both team mates can repair the marraige.

michzz

She's gaslighting you regarding her behavior.

Presume she is actively cheating and go from there.

NickCampbell

But aren't you just treating the symptoms of the problem by telling her she can't go on the trip, has to delete facebook, show text messages, etc..?

If she has decided she's going to cheat, do you think that's really going to stop her? That she will not look for some way to get around your rules?

Rather than spending all your energy blocking her from other men, find out why she is seeking attention from them - does she think she's not getting enough attention from you, does she just get off on being deceptive, desire new relationships with other men, etc etc.

It's not that I don't agree she needs to be completely open and not hide chats, emails, text messages, etc...but what's the point if she's determined to cheat? A bunch of "you can't do that!" rules aren't going to quench someones desire to cheat, just inspire new and creative ways to get around it..

Rather than throwing a tantrum because she's on facebook chatting with people, what you need to do is get her away from the computer and to you - invite her to watch a movie together, cuddle, have sex or whatever activity you two do together than you both enjoy. On the nights she usually finds time to chat with other men, make that a date night instead. Refocus her attention on you.

I'm not trying to blame you at all, or take the wrongdoing away from her, it's just you have to realize you're not going to be there 24/7 with her, the desire to not cheat has to come from her, not you via some rule for her you came up with.

NeoGeo

Thank you all for your replies.

She deleted her FB account, so that was good. We went to dinner alone last nite and instead of arguing with her, I just brought up the subject of Thursday nite by apologizing for the wine glass. I told her about me listening to Dale Carnegie, and how I realized that I am making the mistake of criticising. She said I have pushed her away. Again, instead of arguing, I said 'hmmm, ok'. She said she is good friends with her boss. I asked why did they need to chat if they work together, she said they cant talk about certain things at work. She is upset about the wine glass because it reminds her of her childhood with her dad with a severe anger problem. I said it will never happen again.

I may not be perfect, but I dont believe this BS about me pushing her away. I think she has come up with a justification for what she did. (Again, Dale Carnegie says humans will rationalize anything they do).

I have contacted a co-worker on FB, swore her to secrecy, and asked her if there was anything i should be concerned about. She told me that she thought long and hard how to respond. She said she likes her job and he is her boss. That said, she did not know anything for a fact. I pleaded with her to give me something to go on.

So now my red flags are up again, I feel something is going on.

This weekend, my wife and her boss are scheduled to go out of town for a Fri/Sat class. Just 2 of them. Thursday nite when I got upset, I demanded that both of them not go just themselves. Last nite, she asked me what I wanted her to do about the class, she said she would owe the office money if she doesnt go. I said just go.

I am detaching here. I have seriously thought about plan D. But I love the kids so much, I cant bear to think of them living with her and GASP another man down the road. This is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow. Of course I could prove the affair, but I think she would still get the kids. This sucks.

I can only hope her co-worker will come through for me and confirm yes or no. If no, I can probably deal. If she betrayed me twice, that's it. I really hope the co-worker comes back with nothing.

geo

The trust part is hard to give when it's already been broken. I would guess unless your an overly jealous type, then the red flags are probably there for a reason !

MsLonely

Ehh, not sure how to comment on your situation. Firstly, the evidences you provided to accuse her betrayal, are too weak to be considered as a cheating.
Secondly, you're not very sure yet, but you already have a judgement on your wife- guilty. Why can't you look at things more clearly first? You've already hurt her in a very unreasonable way by the time you found out she's clean with every man. How can you repair the damage in your marriage?
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MsLonely

Don't know why my husband never considers that I was cheating when I had chatted with a man or when I sexually fantasized a man for my musterbation. My husband is very confident with himself. so there's no questions about the trust issue from him.
There's a limit for doing everything as long as your wife stays within the limit- as long as she never sleeps with any other man. She is considered not guilty.
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CH

Are you serious? So I can have an EA with another woman and tell her (the OW) that I only love her and she's so much better than my wife, etc... and it's not cheating because I didn't sleep with her yet?

The minute the profess their love for another person, even if there is no physical affair it's still cheating. When you give a part of your love and heart to another person without that person knowing about it then it's cheating.

If you told your spouse or SO that you're gonna have an EA and they say fine, ok then it's not cheating because they gave you consent. To go behind your loved one's back and hide the affair (emotional or physical) is cheating period! The minute you hide it from them, you've cheated.

You see the fine print, if you let your partner know and they say ok then it's all good. If you hide it and then they find out on their own then it's cheating. One part is consent (from what you post about your relationship) and the other isn't (which is what is happening to the OP). To tell the OP that his wife is not guilty is total bull, at another man's house at 10PM and the wife said nothing happened makes everything just fine and dandy?

NG, if you really want piece of mind, ask her for a lie detector test. If she says no right away then you know she's hiding more from you than you know.