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DanF 11-08-2010 02:30 PM

Recovering From Infidelity
 
I thought that I would share my story and give hope for others that a marriage can be repaired, as well as getting some advice with ongoing issues with me.
W and I have been together for over 30 years, been married for almost 29. We had a severely handicapped child who passed away a few months ago.
For over 20 years, our baby required so much care and work, I became the sole breadwinner while W's life revolved around the child. It was the only way and I have no regrets.
About 4 years ago, I became suspicious that W was seeing someone else. I found a "pay as you go" cell phone, got the account info and looked up the account. There were a lot of calls to one man.
I confronted W, she denied, said that she had purchased the phone for a friend, he was a coworker friend, etc, etc. She convinced me that she wasn't seeing anyone.
Although it didn't add up, I believed her.
About two years ago, W's best friend was in a bad marriage and spent a lot of time with us. She was a fun person, a joy to be around and I didn't mind at all. The friend and I spent a lot of time together talking about her marriage as well as the problems W and I were having. We weren't very "in love" anymore.
Well, about a year ago, the friend and I got together and had a PA. W saw us out on the deck one night. She didn't say anything, but went back to her previous OM.
I finally could not take it anymore and confessed. She told me all about her EA/PA as well. It was rough for a while, I thought I was in love with the OW, but she was just looking for a meal ticket. I finally decided (with a lot of help from counselors and friends) that she was a user and not in love with me and completely broke off all contact and knew then that I did love W and had to fix this. I also found out that I was one of three men in the running for her to latch on to. I also found out that she is a drug addict and a thief.
We spent a lot of time in counseling, talking to family and friends and are now in love like a couple of school kids. It's great!!
I see her as the most beautiful, sexiest, sweetest, woman in the world and she treats me like a king. The sex is awesome, we hold hands on walks, go do fun things together all the time.

People, an affair does not mean that the marriage is over if you are both willing to work very hard to fix your problems.

My issues;
Although I have no reason to think this, I often wonder if she is seeing the OM while I'm away(I work overseas and am gone every other month).
I run scenarios though my head about what would happen if I found out she was seeing him.
I am pissed off that W had the OM in our bed. I am pissed of that another man has had sex with my wife. When I think about what she did, I get angry. I also get angry when I think about what I did. I can handle the anger with my actions, but I am having difficulties with my anger towards her.
I just wish I could forget about the whole thing.
Any ideas on this?

jessi 11-08-2010 03:00 PM

Re: Recovering From Infidelity
 
danf,
I can relate, I wish I could forget everything that happened.
I think all we can do is know that we made a decision to stay with our spouses for us........it was our choice to make that decision to stay.........it isn't about the past it's about the new future we make together......
Just think of the new memories when you mind wanders to the past......
I wish someone would invent something that could just zap unpleasant memories from our brains, it would come in handy in these kind of situations.....don't you think.........
anyway enjoy your wife and you new improved marriage

DawnD 11-08-2010 03:42 PM

Re: Recovering From Infidelity
 
I do find it interesting that you are angrier about her affair. Is it because you think she was the one who had an affair first?? Curiousity always gets the best of me on that one. Did you guys ever actually apologize (sincerely) to each other about hurts you both made??

On the homefront of being away and trying to cope, my H writes me letters every now and again letting me know how much he loves me and wants to be with me. I keep them, and I can read them whenever I want. I mostly look at them while he is gone, as a way to remind myself of his love when I can't see him. Does that sound like something you would like from your wife?? Do you think she would like them from you??

I do wish you the best DanF. You sound very sincere and you guys have been through a lot. I hope those last few hurdles pass quickly!

DanF 11-08-2010 04:46 PM

Re: Recovering From Infidelity
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DawnD (Post 205295)
I do find it interesting that you are angrier about her affair. Is it because you think she was the one who had an affair first?? Curiousity always gets the best of me on that one. Did you guys ever actually apologize (sincerely) to each other about hurts you both made??

On the homefront of being away and trying to cope, my H writes me letters every now and again letting me know how much he loves me and wants to be with me. I keep them, and I can read them whenever I want. I mostly look at them while he is gone, as a way to remind myself of his love when I can't see him. Does that sound like something you would like from your wife?? Do you think she would like them from you??

I do wish you the best DanF. You sound very sincere and you guys have been through a lot. I hope those last few hurdles pass quickly!

I don't think that I am angrier about her affair, I can deal with anger towards myself for my actions, but don't know how to deal with the anger towards her for her actions. Also, it's not like I walk around keeping this anger bottled up all the time. It just surfaces now and then.
Yes, we both apologized very sincerely. I truly am sorry that I did what I did and I believe that she is as well.
Before I leave to go overseas, W and I both get a bunch of cards for each other and post date them for the duration that I'm gone. I usually have one card a week and a couple of bonus cards in case I have a bad day. We also email and call a lot.
Thanks, DawnD. We are doing well and both of us continue to try very hard to be the best that we can be for ourselves and each other.

DawnD 11-08-2010 07:51 PM

Re: Recovering From Infidelity
 
Ahhh, now I see more clearly what you mean. I thought you meant that you couldn't function through the day without feeling overwhelming anger towards her. Now it makes much more sense. I was definately there, and I still have some of those days where I think for a second "how COULD you!" But many of the members here have worked with me to get me to a place where I flip the switch into positive thoughts. Instead of thinking about what he was then, I look at what we are doing now. I keep pictures on my cell phone of our family ( and a few Xrated LOL) to trigger the happy memories we are making now. Does that make any sense to you??

DanF 11-08-2010 09:23 PM

Re: Recovering From Infidelity
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DawnD (Post 205410)
Ahhh, now I see more clearly what you mean. I thought you meant that you couldn't function through the day without feeling overwhelming anger towards her. Now it makes much more sense. I was definately there, and I still have some of those days where I think for a second "how COULD you!" But many of the members here have worked with me to get me to a place where I flip the switch into positive thoughts. Instead of thinking about what he was then, I look at what we are doing now. I keep pictures on my cell phone of our family ( and a few Xrated LOL) to trigger the happy memories we are making now. Does that make any sense to you??

Yeah, it makes sense. I do the same, think positive, remember happy times, think about how much she absolutely LOVES me.
I just wish that I could make those thoughts and memories go away for good.
Thanks.

DawnD 11-09-2010 10:42 AM

Re: Recovering From Infidelity
 
I apologize if you already mentioned it and I missed it, but when did everything come out and you guys decided to work things out? The timeline I guess is what I am asking. Have you both known now for a year or so??

Dday for me, the one year anniversary of my H's affair, actually allowed me to breath a little easier. I had a bad day shortly after, but I noticed I hadn't really had a bad day in two months before that. I guess I am hoping that the bad days will stop soon!

dblkman 11-09-2010 11:00 AM

Re: Recovering From Infidelity
 
DawnD,

The worst thing I know for me is you never forget Dday. For me my ex had her PA on my 40th birthday, i will probably never forget.

DawnD 11-09-2010 11:51 AM

Re: Recovering From Infidelity
 
I am kinda screwed on dates. The anniversary of him cheating I was forced to celebrate on because he was promoted to the next rank two years later, he continued his affair through my son's bday, and then I found out on his Bday, when I threw hima suprise kegger. He told me 1/2 an hour before his party. I don't think I will forget the pain of that day, but I HOPE that those particular memories start to fade enough to where it doesn't ruin my whole life LOL.

DanF 11-09-2010 12:30 PM

Re: Recovering From Infidelity
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DawnD (Post 205732)
I apologize if you already mentioned it and I missed it, but when did everything come out and you guys decided to work things out? The timeline I guess is what I am asking. Have you both known now for a year or so??

Dday for me, the one year anniversary of my H's affair, actually allowed me to breath a little easier. I had a bad day shortly after, but I noticed I hadn't really had a bad day in two months before that. I guess I am hoping that the bad days will stop soon!

It all came out into the open in July of 2009. So almost a year and a half ago.

Corkey88 11-09-2010 12:43 PM

Re: Recovering From Infidelity
 
I am of the belief that humans will never get over infidelity. What they do learn is how to deal with it. It will forever affect your relationship with your wife and vice versa.

Aristotle grouped adultery with deserting a comrade in battle. From a religious standpoint, two of the ten commandments forbid adultery. One says don't do it, and the other says don't even think about it. Our own emotion, jealousy, tells us we can never be satisfied except with someone who loves us exclusively.

DawnD 11-10-2010 07:28 AM

Re: Recovering From Infidelity
 
DanF -- is it an anger that stops you in your tracks and puts you in a bad mood?? I can remember being there, but I am really unsure of what pulled me out of it.

I honestly hope it will all get better for you. I honestly spend a lot of time trying to plan things for us to do together while he is gone to pass the days and keep me positive. I get the kids in bed and sit on here looking at different things within a reasonable distance.

DanF 11-10-2010 09:49 AM

Re: Recovering From Infidelity
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DawnD (Post 206134)
DanF -- is it an anger that stops you in your tracks and puts you in a bad mood?? I can remember being there, but I am really unsure of what pulled me out of it.

I honestly hope it will all get better for you. I honestly spend a lot of time trying to plan things for us to do together while he is gone to pass the days and keep me positive. I get the kids in bed and sit on here looking at different things within a reasonable distance.

No, it doesn't stop me or put me in a bad mood. Those thoughts usually come at the end of a day when I am off work and unwinding, just thinking about life and everything.
And I do squash them the best that I can and think about something else.
I may have made it seem worse than it is. It is really just a niggling, aggravating thought process that a true pessimist (me) will allow his brain to be sucked in to.
I hope time will make it go away entirely, it is happening less and less.
I also think that if I was able to talk to the OM and let him know how much Hell his part in the whole thing put me through, I would feel better. He is a coward and refuses to meet with me.

moeman 11-10-2010 12:30 PM

Re: Recovering From Infidelity
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DanF (Post 206225)
I also think that if I was able to talk to the OM and let him know how much Hell his part in the whole thing put me through, I would feel better. He is a coward and refuses to meet with me.

This is one area that I can shed some light on. I did confront the OM despite comments from some members of this forum: " He hasn't taken anything that wasn't offered to him, it's your W who betrayed you. Leave him alone."

I did it in a civil way. Took me a long time to come up with the words and situation to mention them: Treat M (my W's first name) like she's my wife, because she is." And then walked away. He didn't say a word. My W was totally against the idea but I did it anyway. It made me feel better as to the relationship with OM (I still have to see him from time to time), but with regards to relationship to my W, I still have the dark thoughts.

Hope this helps.

M.

DawnD 11-10-2010 03:45 PM

Re: Recovering From Infidelity
 
I did talk to the OW over the internet and got some answers. But the most entertaining of it all was when I talked to her and her H together. Because then she was forced to be honest about who she was. She was a golddigger, looking for a paycheck, and forgot to figure in the fact that he would owe me child support LMAO.

I can certainly see how it would give you some peace of mind.


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