so angry and hurt a year on - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 11-09-2010, 02:28 AM Thread Starter
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so angry and hurt a year on

we have been married 36 years with 3 grown up children, we were living on the other side of the world when a cousin of his, about 4th down the line , 30 year old, started texting and emailing him at first we shared in the communication but then it became private, this texting became obsesive, when i confrunted him he said i was paranoid even convinced my family and friends i was, we booked a holiday to return to the uk, but he said he was depressed and home sick so he went 6 weeks before me, which i really did not mind because i thought he was homesick,he said it was a long flight and asked me to book a motel room so he could rest before drivig to family the next day, looking back what a f..... mug i was.well i did find out about them and he confessed that they were together, the texting had got sexual a few months before he went on holiday, he returned to oz after 2 month, packed his belongins and moved back to uk. a few months after he returned to mefull of remorse, said he loved me and could not live without me, we both moved back to the uk, seen a marrisge councilor, what a waste of time,i cannot get past the lies and deciet, he did this affair with me in the same house, sat next to me while texting her, but the worst thing is, he returned and packed his things and moved out.Well i give him grief every day, i cannotget past it, things he says and does now have a different meaning in my mind, i cannot laugh anymore, but if i think of leaving him i then also think of how hurt he would be, am i scared of being alone, am i only here for security, can i start a new life at 56,do i love him,dont know, well this is more like a book than a question, but i think no one really understands what it is like unless they have been there

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 11-09-2010, 05:54 AM
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Re: so angry and hurt a year on

Been there, not quite as well established as you are (36 yrs). I can very much understand not knowing if you can really start over and support yourself after years of not, job market is tough and they want young ones. I would advise you to not be concerned about hurting him, that is not a reason to stay... look at what he did to you and your marriage. You have a luxury of not having young kids at home, meaning you could decide to go out and be on your own. Maybe talk to some women friends who work (many do these days) and feel out any kind of job you could do. You have to decide if you can trust again. If you stay, you cant throw this in his face over and over it will likely lead to him doing it again or staying emotionally distant with frustration and resentment towards you. If you stay, you have to let it go and only you know what you can handle. Can you handle making it on your own? Can you handle leaving him and still hanging onto the resentment anyway, bc that sounds likely and it would make life doubly miserable for you (as you will be on your own and still bitter, not a good combo). 36 yrs is a long time to have trust in someone, it may just take longer than 1 year to rebuild that trust and let go of what happened. You can work through all that here and with an independent counselor.
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 11-09-2010, 10:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: so angry and hurt a year on

Thanks for your reply and yes 36 years is a long time and yes if i do leave him i would still be resentful, i am off to see a councilor this evening, the time we were apart he did not live with her, he was at my daughters, and he only saw her on a Saturdays, although it was still wrong, he says it was not the full blown affair that i think it was, but in my mind, as the same with any other woman who has been in this position, of course i think it was, at the moment i dont like the person he has turned me into, every thing we used to laugh and joke about now has a double meaning to me now, well i will see how i get on with this councilor, by the time he is finished with me he will be able to retire to a tax free haven,
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 11-09-2010, 06:05 PM
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Re: so angry and hurt a year on

Truly, in a nutshell, it all depends on whether you can forgive and put this past you. If you can't, you are hurting the both of you by staying and prolonging a bad situation while never having the chance to seek real happiness. If you can forgive, it is a long and hard road to be sure. If you don't have the stamina and will to see it through, again, staying is hurting you both then.

That is the best place to start from here and plan accordingly basedon what you decide. It is all on your shoulders, where you go from here.

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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 11-09-2010, 07:41 PM
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Re: so angry and hurt a year on

Hastings, I really feel for you. I found out about my husbands affair of one year just this March. We have been married for 22 years. To complicate the situation, my husband is an alcoholic and we have two children. Eight months ago I was ready to leave him and thought it would be impossible for me to get past the affair - - the lies, deceit, betrayal and the ghost of this woman who was always in my head. Everywhere I went there was a reminder of her even though I have only spoke to her and never met her. Eight months ago I couldn't even see any good left in our marriage worth staying for...but my husband convinced me to go to counseling with him back in March. He got into AA and me into Al-Anon. I also started reading a lot of self help books on relationships. One thing we have both come to terms with - - the affair was WRONG. However, if we wanted our marriage to have any chance at all...I had to make the decision to really work through things or get out. If you make the decision to give your marriage a chance, you have to make the decsion to accept what happen and forgive. The forgiveness is not only for him, but for you. You then have to figure out what was lacking in your marriage causing your husband to look elsewhere. In our situation, my husbands alcoholism caused us to become distant. We were no longer friends, intimate and there was so much anger and resentment. I take responsibility for not listening to him when he said our marriage was having issues. He takes responsibility for his drinking problem and actually having the affair. We have talked and talked about the affair but in a way so that we can both understand why it happen. In the beginning I punished my husband daily and was very angry. It was doing more damage to our marriage than good. Back in September I finally decided if I truly was going to forgive my husband, I had to quit punishing him for something he was truly sorry for. How else would we be able to move on? By going to counseling, we have been able to communicate better, see things from the other persons perspective, learn how to respect one another again and see that we are both human and humans make mistakes. If your husband is truly sorry, maybe you can find it in your heart to forgive him. I know it is hard, but if you can focus less on what took place with the two of them and try to focus your energy on what went wrong with the two of will be easier to work on your problems. Today, I can honestly say that my husband I have come a long way. He said good-bye to the other woman when I found out. We have talked and talked...continued counseling and learned to communicate better. I have worked really hard with letting go of my disappointments, hurt and resentment. He has quit drinking, has been less selfish and made me a priority. I still have bad moments where I think about the affair, but it gets better each day and our marriage gets better each day now that we are making it a priority. I am so grateful that I gave him another chance because we have never been this close or this in love before. Maybe it took this affair and almost losing each other to wake up and work on our marriage. I am so much happier now. I never knew marriage could be this good after 22 years. I was worth all the hard work. I have read about so many other couples feeling like this - - grateful that after the affair they are living a more satisfying and loving relationship with their spouse. You just have to be willing to let go and forgive in order to move on. It won't always be easy, but the reward can be amazing. Good luck.
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