cao428

Well, after much detective work I finally found what I feel prooves my husband had an affair last year, (and I believe is still in contact with her over in China) He has continued to deny and lie to me about everything, even telling me I was "fabricating this whole thing" and it was all "in my head".


I have found several signs that indicated it, but none until now that was proof. In one of his little books he keeps for his work were three pages of "notes" of things he was planning to say to her.

He wrote: "I'm looking for someone in China I can both learn from and teach. Someone to nurture and develop a relationship with. The minute I saw you..

I don't know the culture so I was not sure if I was pushing too hard or not hard enough ...

You said last night you felt you were wasting a lot of your time here and you were considering putting all your time into your studies and I recommended against it. Perhaps you could cut back on your hours here (she worked for him doing odd jobs, cleaning, shopping, etc. and is a medical student) and we could spend time together doing things.

I just wanted to know if this is possible with you"

On another page he wrote "the barbeque was great, I drank less wine, aren't you proud of me? See how good you are for me?" (he had barbeques at his apt. over there)

And on another page, "You have become the wine of my China life"

On another page he had a list of things to disuss with her, like
1)dancing
2)studying today
3)book you're reading for pleasure
4) Did you get out at all today
and so on..

I am devasted, angry one minute, crying the next. It is especially hurtful that he planned this. We are going to a counselor tonight at which time I am going to exposed this. Does this sound like I have him?

What should I do next? Should I ask for transparency? I am not sure I want to stay in the marriage. I was so lonely for him during this year...I sent him care packages, love emails, and even sent him a gift basket for our 20th anniversary.

justean

im sorry to be blunt here. but i played detective myself and i got rid of my first hubby. allthe cheating, lies , deciet.ok not together 20 yrs. but i got rid of him asap. it wont ever stop.
if he thinks the grass is greener, let him have it, but that wont last for him either.

827Aug

Hi cao!

I had wondered how you were doing. I don't know which is worse--finding the evidence or wondering. It does sound like convincing evidence to me. It's definately not what a married man should be saying to a young lady! Let us know how counseling goes tonight. I could use some pointers!

It's a really bad emotional roller coaster to be on when you have 20 something years invested in a marriage. Part of you wants to give up and grieve. After that many years it's like a death. Then the other part of you wants to forgive and work on restoring what you had.

cao428

Thanks 827Aug and Justean,

To update you , we had our counseling session tonight. He read the notes I had copied out of his book and acknowledged they were his, and read them while I wept. Then I read the notes out loud and he said nothing happened physically, but admitted he was emotionally involved somewhat, but said she turned him down and that he was the same age as her parents.

The counselor told him it was very inappropriate what he wrote (one of the things he wrote was "you are the wine of my China life" and he needed to understand the hurt this has caused me. He said he did not say this to her because she stopped him in his tracks...I told him I did not believe a single word he said! She (the counselor) was a great match I felt for us because she was balanced for the two of us and very gentle on his very fragile male ego!

He did say he loved me very much, and I still question that, (if he did why would he wander) but what was disturbing was that after the session and we were alone, and I asked him a question, which was " Hon, how long where you emotionally involved with her? " He got on the defensive and said I was twisting what he said, and did we have to talk about this now?" I respected that he had had enough (a very difficult day) and dropped it. But I now feel he will minimize it, to get off the hook, and so is not taking responsibility. I guess that means the discussions should be in a safe place with her and too fragile to be on our own. I want him to be accountable for this, or we cannot rebuild our relationship.

I do love him and want to work on the marriage, but feel we have to get back into counseling ASAP so he doesn't pass this off..

We are going camping with our daughter (15 year old) and our son has been calling me from China (he is studying Chinese in Beijing at a University there for a 6 week program) My 20 year old son knows some of whats been going on between us but I have sheltered our younger daughter, although she has heard the recent fights but does not know the details. I have talked to her about it and asked her if she has any questions. I just told her we were going through a difficult time but were getting help..she is living in her own bubble (boyfriend and friends, etc,) and is OK.

My son is friends with this young woman as my husband introduced him to her last year while visiting in China (same age-20 years old) , and visited her on his way to Beijing recently this year. My son may be the only link I have to finding out the truth. But I do not want to involve him...I just feel my husband, despite if he loves me, is a liar.

The GOOD thing as I have found a counselor aside from the one to work with us as a couple that can work with me to help me become stronger as a person so I can relate to my husband in a more effective way.

Thank you 827Aug for your response and caring! How are you doing?

827Aug

Glad to hear counseling went well. Your situation sounds more hopeful. The latest chapters to my soap opera life are posted under "Husband Grows More Distant" and "Consulting a Pyschic on Marital Problems". My husband is off from work today, so I'm supposed to work. However, I don't think I'm going to even bother. Everything is pretty much over and I don't think I can face our customers and employees. All I can do is cry over our marriage and the business. Everyone will be better off if I stay home.

justean

i promise i hope it works out for you. obviously alot things can come with time and its the effort you have to put in to get the end results you want. or should i say the things that you want from eachother.

cao428

Thanks Justean and 827 Aug,

I still believe this was a lot more of an emotional affair than he will ever let on, and had to have gone into a physical one. Maybe I will never know..

827Aug, I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I will read your other post.

cao428

827Aug,

Where are your posts? Could not find them..

827Aug

They are under the general relationship heading.