Here is another update, and I am really looking for female advice mere.
I finally came 100% clean with her, told her I was done playing any games,and admitted everything that had occured. She had known, but I never told her everything till about a week ago.
Since then we have not fought, but she told me she still has no feelings towards me, makinglove would make her vomit, and she has no idea if there is any chance things will work out.
We did spend the last weekend together, taking my son to play paintball, and then to a party with our friends, and spent Sunday with the kids, shopping, she bought a game to play for all of us, and then a puzzle her and I to work on. She asked me out of the blue if she could have another baby, and I said, well, I guess??? She then laughed and said she guessed she had to find someone to get her pregnant....humm??? Then laughed.
She started talking about re doing the bathroom, and even got me a new cell phone on her account, and signed a 2 yr contract for it....
BUT- she told me she does not want to sleep in the same bed anymore, that it is ridiculous that we do so, and so I sleep on the floor in the bedroom, because if I slept on the couch the kids would see me.
She still calls and asks me to bring her lunch at work every once in a while, we are going out with my boss and his wife for dinner on Wednesday.... and she says we should do that every month.
She still says she doesn't know if she ever loved me, and that all feelings are still gone, going on three months now.
We still go to counselling, but she doesn't think it is doing any good.
I am willing to hold on and fight the good fight, but feel that she is not leaving, but doesn't want to be in a real relationship, just a marriage of convienance now.... the last time I asked her for a chance, she told me I do not have the right to ask for such, and that she always swore she would never stay with a cheater, and I cheated.
I have been going to Christian counselling on my own, and they told me that for things to work, she has to forgive at some point.... she actually told me she probably would, but tht doesn't mean she will accept me back.
Older folks are telling me that they think she is testing me, seeing if I truly love her and will hang in there and prove myself over the long haul, but I am losing faith in us.
What can I do to show her I have learned and will never ever do anything ever again, ever?
Her mom even calls me to tell me to hold on, she says there is still something there, and to hold on, and show her I can change and not ever hurt her again, and that she says she doesn't think my wife is going to move out.... but they are not that close, and I doubt Laura confides in anyone, to be honest.
I want to ask her out to the movies and dinner friday night.... but doubt she will go.
Anyone ever seen something like this before? What do I do?
i can relate to your wife when she says she would never stay with a cheater. if this is truly how she feels, it sounds as if she is totally torn by the fact that she actually still loves you after you cheated. i think there may still be hope but that you have a lot of work to do. i'm not saying that you should not have your own feelings, but she is abviously trying to get over years of resentment & insecurity in your marriage. this may take time. it took time to get to this position & sounds like you had the upper hand & that she is finally needing to take control. i would hang in there, let her go through her emotions, as much of a rollercoaster as they may be. if she truly did not think there was anything left between you, why wouldn't she tell you it was completely over. who knows what will happen but you've got to put all you have into this. it's like nurturing someone back to health (ups & downs, alot).
maybe try courting her like you were dating & reminding her in little ways why she fell in love with you in the first place. give her a lighthearted card or leave her a little note in her car or appointment book. start out small & give her a chance to come back slowly. try, as hard as it might be, to keep things lighthearted while still letting her know you are still there & patiently waiting! good luck!
Had a good, IMO, counselling session yesterday, and the counsellor kinda took her to task.
Started off by asked are you still planning on leaving- and Laura looked at me, and really said nothing, except, well feelings have not changed. Then she was asked what was she doing to see if the feelings would change.... she didnt have an answer.
Talked about the fact that if you want to see if feelings might change, we need to date, do things together, just her and I, before we let go, as the relationship affects 4 people, not just her... she didnt like that much.
She said we do not have anything in common, and when asked what she does, she said once a month she goes to the clubs to dance with her friends, and that is it....the counsellor said we need to go out together, movies, dinner, whatever and see if those feelings are there before we hurt anyone else.
Also said that no, neither of us should leve the bedroom, and it would cause issues with our daughter who is 7 now, and that there is no reason I should sleep on the floor, just put a pillow between us if she doesnt want touched, and let it go from there- Laura was not very happy about that.
Then we talked about being open, and how are friends are telling her one thing and me another, and the counsellor said that is how it is, and Laura could not understand why the giuys are telling me to kick her out, while telling her they support her.... seems typical to me, that is what guys do.
She then said, How do I try again when I said it was over- in other words, how does she swallow the pride and tell her friends she is trying without looking weak... I think that is the big hang up- she is always worried about how her friends see her, and feels that they will laugh at her if she lets go and tries again.
One thing I have noticed recently is that she will not look at me, like she looks off in space, or down when I talk to her- like she is avoiding it... don't know what that means- help!
She said she believes everything I say now, and it is hard to adjust to as she didnt for so many years.
After counselling I walked her to her car, and felt like an 8th grader and asked her out friday- she said she didnt know as she has to work early saturday, I didnt say anything more.
We are going out tonight with my boss and his wife for dinner, and she has tried to not chat much since the counselling, and I have not pushed at all.... letting things sink in.
If she opens the door to a date, I will take things slow, go for a base hit, not a grand slam, and have a good time.
Anything I should watch for now?
Any other thoughts, and Blue thanks for the advice, been doing the couritng thing for some time, not a full fledged attack, but a casual note here and there, and helping with the kids more ao she can sleep in, taking care of all the bills and pretty much making her life easy.
i can relate to her not looking at you when you are talking. i think it's just so hard sometimes to accept what is going on. it just hurts so bad that it's easier not to look. if she looks, she sees the one person who was supposed to love her & never hurt her talking about this "thing" that has happened. maybe it's better not to see you & have that lasting impression. i am sure she is taking in every single word you speak & replaying it over & over again to try & figure everything out!
as far as everything else goes, it sounds like you are doing all that you can do to prove yourself as being committed to the marriage. keep it up! it may take time, a lot of time, but it seems as if there is hope!
Wow reading this I could swear you were my husband. And a lot of responses to this thread have really described what is going on in my head. I swore that the only thing that could take me away from my husband was an affair/cheating. Well after 8 years together, 3 children and many rough times, my husband has done exactly what I feared. He cheated on me when I was 8months pregnant with our son. The pain that he has caused is almost unbearable at times. Yet I still love him. I married him, because I loved him more than anyone in the world. I also married him, because I trusted him and he was so good to me. Now that my world has been turned upside down, I am out of control. Some days I try so hard to make it work and some days the pain takes over and I want to be as mean as possible. I feel like he should hurt like I do and I can be so cruel. I know I am doing it, but I fear him. I don't want to love him anymore, because I am scared he will destroy me in the end. I trusted him so much and now I am so lost. The person I have turned to and leaned on for the past 8 years is the exact same person who has made me miserable. I have only known about the details of my husband's cheating for 3 weeks. I have been a mess ever since. It almost sounds like your wife is testing you. I know I do it to him and I often tell him he won't be able to deal with me. He is remorseful and wants to work it out, but I am so hesitant. We already started counseling and I will be going alone too for some help. I will purposely get undressed when he is in the room to torture him. Sometimes I will joke around and the next minute I want it to be over. It is insane! I know it is, yet I can't control it. I know I am just rambling, but when you are cheated on it is a terrible thing. I am not sure what your wife is feeling, but trust me it is real. Hang in there and please keep updating. You should start journaling. I am very interested when I read. I know I am not alone.
We had a good time at dinner last night with my boss and his wife, and got home, worked on a jigsaw puzzle ( i hate it but she loves them, and I do it to do things with her) together then went to bed.
Slept in the same bed, no words said, and then I got up early to take care of the kids and everything so she could sleep in a bit.
do you think she would go out if you planned to spend the day on saturday as a family? it sounds as if she is just being very guarded. she's afraid of letting you in! if you care as much as you say, just take these baby steps she's giving you & realize that each one brings you closer! just my opinion. i would not give an ultimatum! i don't think that's fair to her when she went with you & your boss. just remember how much you have hurt her. it will take time! she's giving you enough signs that she still loves you & she's still there, right? good luck!
When she got home last night, I could tell she was waiting to see how I reacted to not going out tonight....I didn't react and in fact had made one of her favorite meals for supper.
We then went to get ice cream together after dinner, worked on my daughters school stuff together, grounded my son for bad grades together (weee) and then worked on the jig saw puzzle and off to bed.
She is still joking around about sex and that she left her cell phone at home yesterday and was sad she couldn't reach her boyfriends....joking of course.
Going Saturday evening to a hog roast together that one of her co workers is hosting, and she said she might, might go the the all italian car rally with me on sunday.
Meeting her today for lunch at my daughters school for the parent luncheon and making her dinner again tonight.
One big item of change- I ahve assumed the control of the household finances, something she always did before, and she hasn't said a word. She used to get so stressed over bills and so forth, so I figured I would take that off of her. I think she was waiting for me to do so one day anyhow.
Also- a good friend of mine who is a senior counsellor in New England told me that usually things like this take 4-6 months before the other spouse is willing to work on things- after that time the odds of it working out is greatly reduced, but since I am only in month 3, I am feeling pretty good.
He also believes, as he knows her a little, that she is busy fighting herself, and the fact that she is worn down and tired all the time is a big indicator of that.
That the stress of holding out is getting to her. This means do not push at all, or she will flee.
Just an update, and holding the high ground here...
bravo! you are doing a great job in being patient! isn't it sad that it takes something so horrible to whip us into shape? just keep reassuring her of your committment to her & the family & that you would never again do anything to jeopardize that. she is probably still wrestling with so many unsettling feelings from one thought to the next! when you are feeling down, remember that she feels much worse. i'm not trying to sound mean, but this is her time. unfortunately, you put her i this position & therefore don't get to complain. hang in there! hope the car show works out!
Keep trying. It takes time for the one hurt to start to get over the pain. My husband is very attentive to me now. He teases me like he used to. I think that was something that made me feel like he is mine again. We have unlimited text messages. We are constantly keeping in touch with each other. That lets me know he is thinking of me all of the time and not her. We have a policy that is, when are just wanting to connect, even if it is a silly thought. We text each other. Hopefully she will come your way. You two got together because of love. Hopefully you both can get it back. She needs to work on herself also. No one if perfect. All of this made me look at myself also.
Wow-talk about Dajavu!!!! My oldest brother has a major in Psychology and a minor in cognitive science.He has really helped me gain insight into my own thinking.This is exactly how i felt deep down inside before my husband has his Emotional Affair.This thinking drove me to pull away and not give myself entirely, because it would just hurt too much to suffer another heartbreak.It created a huge rift between us, and after a while we just began drifting farther and farther apart.After i found out about my husband's emotional affair-these feelings resurfaced and i began thinking: "My husband had an emotional affair because he never really "loved me" enough...to begin with.Its like a matter of time before he does it anyway, so why get my hopes up and set myself up for failure again?"
This is not the first time i have had this happen to me, and i honestly thought that he would never cheat on me because he was "different", not like all the others-so it makes this all a lot harder. Since some people are very adept at wearing disguises, my past relationships taught me never to "trust" entirely and so i never did.Unknowingly, I've been robbing myself of genuine love because i wasn't being genuine myself.What I realized is that this thinking has to do with "me" and my own insecurities and nothing to do with what he did.
I'll try to explain where I'm coming from. When i start thinking“...that’s why he cheated”. I'm like taking the blame for something I have absolutely NO control over - his choices. I AM responsible for my part in the relationship struggles, and the unhealthy choices i made that affected him. However, my self-blame comes from my unconscious need to feel in control of the relationship, and in control of him. It was HIS choice, and still is. Allowing others to make their own choices - even bad ones - is very much part of loving them. You can’t truly respect such choices if you feel "you" could have “done something” to cause them to make other choices.
I was initially struggling with the question of moving on or staying to work things out.But trying to make such a huge decision is a natural way of trying to cope with the anguish. I have found that my coping and healing process has really improved the more I can let go of making such a long-term decision. For now i have chosen to focus on today, this moment, this hour. When my gut feeling says “get away”, i do that for an hour, an afternoon, or whatever time feels right for the moment.
I want to stay committed to this marriage because I know our relationship has a lot of important things to teach me - many through painful lessons. That is my commitment - to myself.
My inner voice tells me it will be a real trial for me, in finding out just how much difference “detachment with love” really makes in keeping my emotional well-being intact, as well as allowing him the chance to learn some very painful lessons.
I told him that I don't want him to "pretend" to be committed to me if he really doesn't want to be. I want him to discover what it is he really needs on his own, and my not holding an “ax” over his head doesn’t distract him from that important inner truth. Its such a breath of freedom to no longer need to worry - not because I “trust him”, but because I’ve discovered that genuine love means respecting his right to make his own choices - ANY choices, even ones I may not like.His affair has done a lot more than just caused my CURRENT pain. It’s also ripped open a bunch of trapdoors to past childhood pain, which got buried deep down. He isn’t the cause of that part of my pain; it existed before him,and after the affair.Him opening those trapdoors has been a gift to me, even though it might be wrapped up in barbed wire. The more I can focus on dealing with and healing THAT part of the pain I feel, the easier it will become to deal with the actual anguish the affair has “caused”. Although Infidelity IS devastating and it has shaken me to the very core-it has also been a blessing in disguise. Forgiving and moving on takes a lot of courage because in the end,you have to take that leap of "faith"....There’s a lot more at stake when we try to be our “real selves” in a “committed” relationship, we have a lot more of our true selves invested and at risk. We also run the real risk - as our imperfections and our own needs become more apparent - of our partner preferring someone who fits what THEY want, instead of our grab bag of strengths and faults. Nothing happens by chance in our lives. Everything that happens we can either use to make our life and our partner’s better, or we can run away from the diamond wrapped in barbed wire.I could totally relate with your wife and this thinking. If she ever needs someone to talk to about these feelings, she could contact me anytime.
Wow, LadyinBlue, that is one of the most powerful posts I've read. It really hit home for me on many levels, especially the last paragraph. Thank you for that post.
Chris,
From your end of things, I think the only thing you can do is to convince her otherwise by your actions. Do you have a clear understanding at this point, why you cheated in the first place? 'I don't know' or 'It just happened' probably won't cut it. She needs reassurance that you get why it happened and you have put boundaries in place to prevent it from ever happening again. She needs to know that she is enough for you & you won't be looking over your shoulder for something better.
She needs to feel, by your words and actions, that you really love her for the person she is. She may feel you are scrambling to keep the family together because it's the easiest path to take, not because you can't imagine your life without her.
It might help to write her some love letters, opening up about why you need her in your life, if you haven't already. Getting back to the old routine is probably what you are hoping for, but she probably needs your relationship to get to the next level...woo her all over again.
Re: hopeless or not 
Re: hopeless or not 
