keep it up with the patience. i suppose we go through things in life & end up learning some big lessons. in this case, you both are going through changes & learning as you go! have fun tonight & good luck!
Went to the movie, went shopping and then to dinner...we had a good time, but no touching, holding hands or anything. Went home and pretty much just went to sleep.
Went to a new counsellor yesterday morning, great session- he was pretty darn good- and some interesting things came out.
He asked her what goals she had in coming-
She said to see if there is hope- she didnt say her feelings were gone, she didnt say to smooth a seperation, but to see if there is hope.
He then asked the 0-10 scale questions- where is the relationship right now, what is the worst it has been, and what is the best it has been.
She said, to my amazement, that it is now a 3- up from a zero at the end of June. However the best it has ever been was a 6.
He said 3 points is a big change, and I agree.
He know said we have to decide what each of us could do in the next week to raise it to a 3.5...not what the other could do, but what we could do.
Explained the marriage bell curve to us, and seemed to really get her thinking.
We went to McD for lunch then, yuck!, and then off to work.
She called me a few times, asking me to remind her of this and that, and when she got home we chatted, looked on ebay ofr stuff, and sacked out and chatted some more.
This morning though, she got up cranky, and when I asked her what plans we had for the weekend, she said she had to work (yes she does 3-11pm on Saturday and on call 7am to 11pm Sunday), and she is staying at her friends (if I didnt need anything) Sat night as they are having a bonfire get together. So she really doesnt have time to do anything. I offered to come to hagerstown to just hang out while she was on call sunday, she said well, we will decide that on sunday.
To me, to be honest with you all, she always calls when she needs me to do something, and the reason the relationship has gone up 3 points is all the effort I have done. She seems to put no value in depositing "love tokens" in my account, or to do anything to make it better- she says she doenst have time as a full time worker, mother and so forth to have me hogging her time....like I am taken for granted.
Tonight she gets off at 6pm, originally we were supposed to go out, but I scaled it back to a moive at home or a walk as she said she wanted to spend time with the kids. Now she is making plans to get a pedicure after work. Seems she had time to do that, but not something with me.
I feel she puts no value in me. Or our time together.
Maybe she is trying, but I do not see or feel it, and don't know how much more I can give and keep my self respect, without her pitching in as well.
Been spending almost all our time together, but not alone, always with others or the kids.
Interesting comment she made, and we had a long talk about it-
It boils down to this- she is convinced once someone cheats, they always will, and that it will be a matter of when, not if, I cheat on her again.
She is convinced I did not love her enough to keep me from doing it the first time, so what would keep me from doing it again...
That is the whole key to this... how do I do this?
Help!
Chris
Chris, the trust is broken. She feels less of a woman, because you couldn't say no to the other woman. Women want to feel that their man loves, honors, and respects them, and even more so, in front of other women. Women want to feel like they are every woman in the world to their man, and they will love only her. I mean.. look at all the half dress women running around these days, and most had work done to them to look hot. Women have to see other women like this, do you understand what I am saying here? They just want to feel as attractive to you as other women are. She thinks this woman has it all over her, because you choose to be with her.
This is why she said about leaving her cell phone home, and she missed all her bf's calls. See, she is making herself feel better and as attractive as they are, because of how she feels now that this happend to her. You need to start changing your ways and start letting her know how beautiful she is to you, before someone does.
Now she is making plans to get a pedicure after work. Seems she had time to do that, but not something with me.
I feel she puts no value in me. Or our time together.
Maybe she is trying, but I do not see or feel it, and don't know how much more I can give and keep my self respect, without her pitching in as well.
Thoughts?
Chris
i'm sure she is trying to fight her feeling of wanting to give in to you. if she fills her time with "things", then she is busy & doesn't have to think anymore. it may also be a form of punishment. she feels you didn't love her enough to talk to her about how you were feeling when you instead decided to stray. therefore, why should she open herself up to you now that you've tried someone else out? it's hard in this case for your wife. she probably feels like she is going against those thoughts in her mind of "why would i ever stay with someone who cheated?".
i think she is definitely trying! she's going to conseling & on dates, she rated things as a 3 not a 0. remember, if she is truly the love of your life, wouldn't you do just about anything to get her back? i guess that's a question you have to answer for yourself. are you strong enough to make it through? it's kind of like her time to test you, as hard as that may be. she knows that once she let's go, she loses her opportunity to really make sure you are in it forever this time. this is your 2nd chance. it may not be the 2nd chance you imagined, but you don't really get to decide how someonelse feels when you betray them. keep your feelings in check. keep posting. keep working. good luck.
Ummm..lost here as always, did take advice and give a card, wrote a good bit in it, telling her how much I appreciate all she does, how beautiful she is, and how much I enjoy every moment we get to spend together.
Since she does not have to work till 3pm on Friday, I asked her if she wanted to go out after the kids settle down, and hit a college bar or two...said "we'll see"
Trying to keep my head up, but at what point do my needs matter, or will they ever? Like if she callsme, I answer no matter what, when I call her, she answers maybe once every 2-3 times...that really gets my goat.
just remember, you crushed her world. what she is doing right now might not seem fair but it's what is. she probably feels like half the things you are doing, you are only doing because of what you did. i know it's been some time, but like i said, only you know your limits, only you can decide when you can't give anymore. trust me, i'm sure she's taking in every little card, note, e-mail, etc. that you give to her. hopefully, one of these days, she will be ready to give up the fight & give in to your love. maybe that day will never come but no one knows what the future holds. i'm sure if we did, we would all make different choices! if you give up now, all of your hard work will be in vain! she will forever think you never loved her enough! good luck!
When she is out, make your home romantic looking. Give her roses and a note saying ..no one is perect, my love, but PLEASE find it in your heart to forgive me and let's start all over again.
Or could have another ring and ask her to start over again with you.
Ask her to marry you again.
Thanks for all the info- doing what I can to stay the course.....ready to stick with it for another day!
Last night was tough, on the way home via cell she said she just wanted to get a pedicure and come home, so I said ok, be nice to see a movie, and she said she didnt want to watch one....told her I bought the book the counsellor suggested and was reading it, she said she didn't need to or want to read it- too many people have already given her advice and she has had enough of that. Said ok.
She called about an hour later said she was at Blockbuster and would be home in a bit.
Got some movies, came home and relaxed, surfed ebay, and laid down on the couch. We did the parenting stuff together, have been for about 3 weeks plus now, and then turned on the TV- the debate was on, she went to sleep in a bit.
About an hour later I was bored and turned off the TV, and woke her to go to bed, she got instant angry, yelled at me for waking her up. I explained I saw she was shivering in her sleep and should go to bed.... she exploded , told me I need to stop acting like a daddy, and let her alone. So I did, she then came to bed.
This morning she is all nice again, well not real nice, but nicer than late last night.
She has some real anger deep inside she needs to get out, and the sooner the better, as it keeps resurfacing at really odd moments and it takes me by total surprise. I never act mad in return now, don't really react, but that is real hard.
She is holding on tight to anger and it will hurt her, but only she can decide when it is time to let go of it.
One thing you said that has bothered me a great deal, is that you thought that I was saying bad things about you and our marriage last year.
I want to tell you what I said, and rest assured that I never said I was unhappy. Yes, I did say that perhaps our love life was a bit too relaxed, that we did not spend time together, just you and I, like we should. That at times I did not feel really appreciated and felt taken for granted. I realize I needed to say those things, but should have said them to you.
To be honest, I was afraid to say these things to you, as I thought you would just get mad at me, and it would cause issues that might rock the boat that I cherish so much.
Never said anything negative about you personally, and to be honest, I still have nothing negative I could say about you.
Sure there are things i would like to see change, always will be I am sure. It is huamn nature. But to be honest I love you for you, accept you for who you are and what you will be, and want no one else but you, ever.
I have learned to talk to you about things, and to understand just because I feel something, doesn't mean you will. I am not you, you are not me, but open frank conversation is to be the cornerstone of our rebuilding, and I just wanted to tell you I will never ever hide anything from you ever again.
i think it sounds good. it's communication, right? it's better than not telling her & bottling it up inside.
she does have a lot of anger & resentment built up & i'm sure she is totally out of her element. that's where the outbursts come from. it's really frustrating when you are given a situation to deal with that hurts like this does. how to get her to get past it - keep doing what you are doing. there are 2 parts of your letter that caught my attention most coming from your wife's perspective (1) i want no one else but you ever & (2) i will never hide anything from you ever again. VERY IMPORTANT to keep telling her. even in the future! good luck!
Here we go another roller coaster ride, and some real issues now coming up with the kids.
She was nice friday till she got home, was rude and wouldn't even talk to me, have no idea why.
Got called into work late that night, worked till 3:30 am....came home and went back to bed.
Woke up when we left and asked if I was taking Elizabeth to the movies and she would meet us there..... called on the way there to tell her I left a belt at home, and could she bring it with her, and she got all rude again and I told her that is enough, to make up her mid and to act on it...she said I needed to decide, she was tired of being told she needed to- I told her fine, then we are going to work this out- she said fine and said she had to finish getting ready to go.
Went to the movies with E, she was very distant, then we went shopping for E a new winter coat, and she started getting really rude again, and when I would stop to look at something she would just keep walking and leave me to find her and where she went....this happend 3 times and I sucked it up, the fourth time she did so, I did not bother to look for her, but just walked out to my car...she called me on the cell asking where I went,and I told her I was leaving, and she said wait I have to go to work (she did) and I need to get E to you... I waited for her to get to the jeep, put E in, and then told her I was tired of being treated like a dog, and she needs to stop...she just started yelling about how I need to stop making her mad when she has to go to work, and stormed off..... ont he ride home my 7 year old daughter cried about how bad and mean mommy is, and how no one keeps thier promises anymore to keep a family together...I comforted her, told her all was fine, and that there is nothing to worry about....
When I got home I found a large package, she was waitingon some Ebay stuff, so I called her and told her, and she was polite. Later I went to drop it off at her work, and she had left early to go to her friends to hang out as she planned that night, as she was on call and her friend lives closer to the hospital....I called her cell, and told her where I was at and she told me to come over and drop it off....I did, hung out for a bit, she was polite but not talkative.
Left and went home....I was told she stayed up and partied till 3am, after saying how tired she was, then was called back into the hospital to work at 5:30am- drug herself in, and worked till 4pm yesterday...meanwhile I spent the day with the kids, cleaning the house and pool, and she got home, I took the kids out so she could sleep.
About 9pm the hospital called again, and so I had to wake her up...I offered to drive her in and wait, it was only one case, and drive her home, plus then we could spend time together...she said no. Aksed her what night we were going to go on a date this week, and she said it didnt matter, for me to chose and she would be there. She doesnt care, whatever....said fine just make the plans she would be there but it doesn't do any good. I asked her point blank when she is going to start trying to make things better, and she said she didn't know.
She left, my son, who is 16 and her stepson, came to me and said he does not want to live at our house anymore till we work things out...he has been hiding in his room for 3 weeks now, and has had a tough life with his mom bouncing in and out of relationships, told me I had given her enough time and that the house is too much for him right now...
My daughter is still upset, I have been doing all I can to calm things down.
The seams are coming apart and I am holding on, but I think she is just avoiding everything, and now it is starting to really show...
I am at my wits end and wonder if I should tell her about the kids and what is going on...been trying to shield her to give her space and time, but I can no longer do this alone.
I just read your whole thread. You have the patience of a saint. I could never be as patient as you, my sex drive would have caused me to explode after the first month. But then I would have complained about her un-sexy attitude long before it got to the affair stage.
You ask about telling her about the kids. How come she has not figured that out already?
I personally believe that every deal should have a time limit. She obviously has issues that go way, way beyond your affair, and as ladyinblue said, your affair probably triggered them.
I know you are full of remorse, but I have to ask you, is she that much of a good catch? You mention almost as an aside that you did not enjoy much of a love-life with her, and she had the cheek to say she only did it to please you.
From what you say, she is unlikely to move out. She sounds like she is in the middle of a full blown crisis. What I mean is, she is about to "blow" up, and possibly have a breakdown of some sort.
On a lighter note, I used to be a masseur... When she calms down, offer to massage her neck and shoulders. If she accepts this, you can move onto her upper, and eventually lower back. It is clear from your description that she is as sexually frustrated as you are, but her mind may not consciously know that yet. By massaging her, you could tip the balance. Let me know if you want more info on this.
Re: hopeless or not 
They just want to feel as attractive to you as other women are. She thinks this woman has it all over her, because you choose to be with her.
