This is my first post, I found this forum and thought I would post my question here.
Here is the scoop-
My wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for 3, and have a wonderful 7 year old daughter who we both dearly love.
My wife knew I was a "player" when we got together, and has always assumed I cheated on her, and finally caught me last year, the first time I actually did.
We struggled for 3 weeks, and then she she she loved me, did not want to ever lose me, and we worked it out. I ahve been faithful ever since, and never ever would betray her again.
However during the past year, afraid she would do the same to me, I ahve smothered her, and finally about a month ago, she said that was it, she had lost all feelings towards me, didnt love me anymore, and left for her friends house for a few days. She came back home, and I immediately left for a business trip. While I was gone I did not call her, but she started calling me instead, becoming more frequent each day.
When I got home she acted so thrilled, but still would not touch me, and all seemed to be on the right course, when she dropped the bomb that she wanted to live as roomates , for financial reasons, and for the kids, and for me to get help with my controlling nature.
We agreed to six months- which is unrealistic financially, and moved forward. the next week things got better, we would laugh, joke, lay in bed and look at the web, and even she listed herself as married to me on myspace and facebook, even posting pictures of me, and talking as if we were going to be together forever...still no touching.
Well last sunday for the first time we all went out to eat as a family, and she was in a great mood, but I wasnt I am extremely depressed over this, and she got angry at me and we ahvent talked really much since then.
She said I annoy her, I cant even talk to her without her getting angry, and we are set to go to dinner thursday night with my boss and his wife, and she is looking forward to it.
However last night she told me it was over for now, though we sleep in the same bed, and and said while we are getting along, she has not had "loving" feelings towards me for a long time.
But yet she still calls me 2-3 times a day, but when she gets home she ignores us and goes to her room and hangs out on the web or watches TV.
She tells me she knows I will not be patient enough, and that always before when things like this happend, she would just give in and be miserable, and is fine and happy just the way things are right now.
I am the only man she has ever been with, or even dated, and I have been seeing counselling for my smothering nature and trying my best to leave her alone, though it plauges me every waking minute...I break down and end up calling her and she gets mad....
We don't even talk like we did a week ago, just a few seconds on the phone here and there, she always finds a reason to get off the hone.
I asked her to come with me to counselling on friday, and she said she might have to pick up another shift or something, and I have not asked again...she did say last night she would go to counselling with me before calling it quits, but also said it would do no good, and she does not want to give me chance....she does not wear her wedding band while I still do.
Financially we cannot split without going bankrupt, we are up to our ears in debt, and she knows what it will do to our daughter and my son, who we fought to get custody over and won last year...she was a major pusher for that.
I do not know whether to back off, and give her time, that she might come around, or if I should give up, move out with a friend, but still support her financially.
I feel like a prisoner in my own home, and miserable every waking minute- I told her this, and she said, well you made me miserable for 10 years.
I think she was beginning to open up last sunday, and then I shut her down by acting morose- if I had only been cheerful then things would be much better- she will call and chat, she did 3 times today, but I think she is just holding on for the kids and security.
Sounds like the damage was done with the infidelity, but you gave it your best effort to make it up to her. Sometimes a spouse will feel that they have lost loving feelings through the hurt and smothering, but they infact still love you. I think you both just need to get into a very good counselor ASAP. Don't be afraid to "shop" for a good one by calling on the phone.
Sorry you are going through such torment. If you can swing it it might be helpful to keep a personal counselor for yourself (sounds like you might already have one) and seek one separate for the two of you. That is what I am doing to help my marriage, to get stronger myself and then one for us as a couple.
She called me last night and chatted about dinner for about 10 minutes, and then got off the phone- I did not call her again, and she got off work and didnt get home till after midnight-
She said she is probably going friday to the counsellor with me, which is hopeful.
She also said this-
That she will not just give in like before, and it is over for now, and she doesn't see me having the patience to ...???...never finished that part. Said, and it is true, the last time we went to marriage counselling I just blew it off, and she says it won't do any good anyhow. she is happy with how things are - she says, and while I am miserable, she says I made her so for 10 years....huh?
She acts normal, like we are room mates, and goes about her life like nothing is going on, and when I get depressed, she tells me I am trying to hold onto something that is not there.
Then she schedules us to work together for the back to school picnic for our daughter.
I am lost as to how long to hold on and suffer, and at what point it is all done.
It is like she controlls everything, and is enjoying it, and making me miserable makes her happy.
i remember a dr.phil show about women who have been cheated on. He said that they go through cycles. one of the cycles is revenge. maybe she's testing you. maybe she wants to see what you'll take to see if you really love her and are willing to work it out...i dunno. when she says things like you'll never change and you'll never be patient enough to....maybe she's actually asking you in a round about way. if someone really feels the situation is hopeless they dont talk about it. i really dont think she's completely given up. i think its a combination of revenge and testing you in a way that doesnt make her vulnerable.
I think you may be right, but the only time she really talks about it is when I bring it up, then she acts annoyed...but then again she just called about dinner, again, and also to talk about, well, nothing.
I guess I ahve to just be upbeat, and woo her again, dunno, but I think until she gets past the anger, nothing will help.
Interesting that she is going with me on friday, wonder what she will say, or not say....
I think she calls at times because she does miss me...will stick in there, and work for it, but at some point she has to give a little too.
Play on Player - the damage is done ! I really don't know of many couples that make it through " Cheating " . The only ones I know are the ones that keep on cheating , and never look back. The " Ice Cooled Ones ". But to come back and try to make it work and be legit- Nope. Trust is gone , etc. .
I gave up playing a long time ago- the girl I ended up cheating with was the girl I took to Prom my senior year, we ran into each other, and things just occured.
Since then I have been torn with grief, realizing how bad I hurt the one I really love and never want to be without.
Trust is gone, but I believe one choses to trust, just as one choses to love. It can be rebuilt I believe, but not without a lot of personal suffering on my part, heck she might even cheat on me to get even, but I would accept it, it would hurt, but I love her more than to just cut and run.
i personally think your wife is annoyed with herself and not with you. right now im at a stage with my husband that im trying not to get personal with him...'trying' being the operative word. when i get a little too familiar and say something, or do something, that i didnt really want to do but it just happened, well i get real annoyed-with him. its a control issue. I think your wife is trying to keep you at a distance and be the one in control, and when she cant, she gets really upset with herself.
I'm giving you my "advice" from the perspective of a woman who has been cheated on. My husband was never a "player" but he is very outgoing, a people person, and grew up around a lot of women. In turn, he attracts many women and is somewhat flirtatious. He never had sex with anyone else, but has often crossed the line by exchanging numbers, talking on the phone, etc...Recently I found out that he had an emotional affair w/ someone for several months and it became quite intimate, they talked about their marriages/hopes/dreams/etc... got a hotel room to just "spend time" together and shared a kiss. At that point they "realized" they had gone too far, apologized to each other and remained good friends. Well when I found out I was devastated and hurt beyond words. This relates to your case b/c he too was apologetic, truly changed his ways, started counseling, church, etc... I knew he was sorry and deep down I wanted to forgive him, but it is a hard thing to do. Because even when I forgive him I think about how he betrayed me and that is hard to get over. Because of for all of the negative things about our marriage that he endured, I endured them too but I did not jeopardize that for the comfort of another person and he did. For a while I felt nothing for him, if he touched my hand or something I felt absolutely nothing, like I was touching a rock or some other inanimate object, I had absolutely NO feelings for him. When I allowed myself to feel, it was hurt, anger, confusion, and disgust. Eventually, some of my feelings for him started to return, but I would fight them or cover them up (often with anger or disinterest) because I didn't feel like he deserved my love, my touch, my feelings. I also hid my feelings b/c I didn't want him to think everything was all good b/c I felt that would make him think that I was stupid and that he was free to hurt me again. I was also very angry b/c I had to be the "bigger" person and try to save my family when he was the one that jeopardized it for a third-party. Your wife's feelings are real and warranted; however, she needs to decide if she wants this marriage or not and move forward. If you two are roommates, accept that or not and move on and quit expecting her to act like your wife or even your friend for that matter. If you all are trying to rebuild your marriage that is a different story, she needs to open up to you and may be the two of you need counseling or spiritual advisement. One thing that I've learned is that when you do something, be prepared for the consequences. You may have to accept that you have lost your wife and family as a result of your infidelity. I hope that is not the case for you, but it may be. As for me and my husband we are doing better, but it is a day by day process. Good luck.
For me, I feel connected to my husband one moment, and then I feel the hurt again and angry. Then I feel foolish by connecting with him because i don't want him to think he's getting off the hook easy for how deeply he hurt me.
I agree with what you said that she needs to decide if she wants the marriage or not. Canders, maybe you need to ask her this question as the yo yo interaction is not productive, but if she says she wants it, just be prepared to wait a long time before her trust is built up again.
I also agree with ljtseng that she is trying to keep you at a distance and gets annoyed with herself maybe for being too what she feels is "too nice"
She said she is done and ready to just move on... still she calls and tries to talk when I am home, I just ignore her and don't answer my cell.
I am done now, I tried, and will not be a yo yo again.
I wish her all the luck in the world, but wish she would give up trying to be friends, it will never happen.
Shame for my kids that we could not work it out, but since she is done with it, nothing I can do except support them and move forward with life....
Really sad, and I have learned a hard lesson. Oh well, she is going out with this guy tonight, and I am going to stay at home till she gets there, and then I am leaving for a few hours till she goes to bed, then when I get back from my business trip I am moving into the spare room (once I get a bed in there)
Things are slightly better- she still says she is done with the marriage, but follows it with a "for now" or "at this point"
I did not move out of the bedroom, and she has not either- I do not push her anymore, and have begun to go out with my friends, not because I want to, but to give her space.
I told her in a mailed letter that we needed to change the pattern, that the way it was was not working, and she had to make the choice, I had made mine, I was committed to the marraige- her choices were-
A- Move out now, she has 3 weeks to get a place and get financing for her car in her name
B- Agree to go to couples counselling once a week, to work through the issues so we could be at least freinds,and maybe more- said that if she gets her feelings sorted out and finds she does want to stay, I would not burn the bridge, as long as she stays in counselling
She agreed to go to counselling, and since saying so has been much nicer to me, and seems actually relieved a bit. Still very stand offish, but more relaxed.
She told her mother- who called me right away, as she is rooting for us- that part of her wants to work it out, but she is still done.
In counselling now for a few weeks, I do not talk about "us" outside of that unless she does.
We are headed back to where we were, we laugh, joke, pick on each other, have a good time with the kids and just each other again...but nothing romantic yet- she has started joking more aobut sex again, I am just letting it go, not making any moves... I have new respect and love for her, and I think she is doing the same with me...
No talk of leaving, no talk of seperating for the past 2 weeks...I think I ahve a hard long road ahead of me, but I am sticking to it, with no selfish intents, just very supportive of her, and trying to be the man I need to be, for her, me and the family.
Not 100% sure, but I think she is going to work on the marriage more now too, will be interesting to see what she says tonight in counselling.
She said she is tired of her friends pushing her to work it out all the time, says I am the only one not pushing now...and we have fun together again.
I know many areas I failed in and will not repeat... I think she needs to see that and be able to open up again, and it will take a lot of time.... and I am willing to allow that, in fact I want that, I don't want her to jump too soon, I want her to be confortable and really set to resume our life together...
I really love this woman, and I know it is all my fault. Now it is my job to endure what I have to to allow her to come to grips and move forward, no matter how long.