Well just messes up she broughg out a budget it got emotional she's done doesn't see a reason to try to even work it and pretend around the kids she started mentioning things from 8 years ago and I lost it and said fine if you are that done go now so she is not going to stay here tonight maybe not again.
A large part of the reason things happen in this fashion is
because things like this...
...occur.
This is what she is looking for - emotional responses that give her a license to act on her whims. That is exactly why I wrote above:
"...Calm down, slow down, take it easy, and work through life one step at a time..."
Disbelief, until you back away from your emotions and simply experience them, rather than letting them decide what your next move will be, things will continue to escalate.
The single greatest tool a Loyal Spouse has in their arsenal is rational calmness.
The single greatest tool the Disloyal Spouse has is YOUR emotional reaction. Even if they come across as 'decided' and calm, its because they have already based their decision upon how you react to situations. This is an excellent example: your wife brings up a budget, and it turns into a fight.
So what was it, bad math? Her demanding too much money, too much time? Why was an EMOTIONAL reaction necessary? Why wasn't a calm examination of the facts, and a calm discussion not preferable? If preferable, why was it not done?
I am not saying I don't understand how this can happen: what I
am saying is that if you wish to get your marriage on track, you will
have to stop letting your emotions run your life. Imagine how the conversation had gone if you had remained calm -
regardless of your wife's statements, or even her emotions! Even if you had disagreed over the content of the budget - YOU remaining calm would not have given her the reason to go the REAL reason she was there: to start a fight - to get things back into that comfortable rut that brought about the situation you are in now. She needs you to keep freaking, whining, complaining, threatening, controlling and casting about -
in order to make her leaving an easy - and even 'understandable' - course of action.
But what happens if you stop all of that? Now all of the sudden she will have to come up with NEW justifications - even in her own mind. Throw that wrench into the works and see how it turns out!
Of COURSE you will still experience emotions! You are a physical being. But because you are HUMAN, you have the ability to CHOOSE to act,
regardless of how you feel. It's that choice that makes the difference in your marriage.
So 1) quit operating under expectations: stop expecting her to do things differently that she does -
especially since YOU are not doing anything differently!
2) Quit relying on your emotions to guide you. Make a diligent and concerted effort to switch to acting on a rational course of action. And make the goal of that action to improve yourself. It would do you NO GOOD to make all kinds of plans on how you are going to
make her love you, or
make her stop cheating, or
make her behave in ANY way other than she does now. That is HER CHOICE. The only person you should be working on is you, because it is YOU she is using for the reasons to leave - not her (regardless of what she may say.) She is using YOUR actions to justify hers. Don't give her that option!