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Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls

48K views 246 replies 17 participants last post by  disbelief 
#1 ·
My W had an EA/PA she took this week for space.OM is staying with his family. we have 5 kids. She finally admitted she feels leaving is the only option will Divorce busting and 7 steps even work at this point. It wil be a couple of months before she leaves the house. Help please.
 
#2 ·
A couple of months? You have more than enough time. Yes, Divorce Busting, Marriage Builder and 7 steps can work, and similar processes can work There are few guarantees in life, but you have a lot of time. Calm down, slow down, take it easy, and work through life one step at a time...
 
#3 ·
She also made reference that there would not be any second chances and what's the point of a seperation. She still gets upset at the final divorce word but not as much as before. She doesn't want to give me false hope so It will be hard to tell if anything I do has a real effect since she intends to maintain a posotive attitude either way. I'm calm feeling more pain and sadness for my kids when it hits.
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#4 · (Edited)
She also made reference that there would not be any second chances and what's the point of a seperation. She still gets upset at the final divorce word but not as much as before. She doesn't want to give me false hope so It will be hard to tell if anything I do has a real effect since she intends to maintain a posotive attitude either way. I'm calm feeling more pain and sadness for my kids when it hits.
Every one of her referenced statements above follow the standard script, this is fog talk. Even if the affair has truly ended (and there is no evidence that it has), there is a time after the affair where the cheating spouse goes through a form of withdrawal; the fog lifts slowly. In that time, there is a great deal of doubt as to how to proceed.

If nothing else, pride is a huge factor: the wandering spouse has to overcome a lot of pride and begin admitting that their actions were wrong, regardless of the reasons. That can be very difficult to overcome.

But there is also strong doubt as to whether the marriage is worth working on. The affair happened for a reason - it is a SYMPTOM, and not the cause of the troubles in the marriage. It is the wrong solution, an immoral choice, but this does not negate the fact that there was something missing in the first place: something that made the choice of infidelity seem to be valid.

One of the troubles loyal spouses have in working on their marriage is the fact that they work with the idea that the reason they go about improving their own lives is in order to get their spouse back, as it that is the goal. In reality, that is an ideal solution, the goal is to create a life in which any issues the loyal spouse had which contributed to the problems in the marriage are overcome.

So instead of looking for positive responses in your spouse, and allowing those actions to determine your next move - be proactive. Act! Look to change your own life, regardless of her reactions. As long as you are doing what is right, if she does not respond, this is because she, by inference, does not approve of doing what is right.

Instead of trying to manipulate your spouse by acting in various ways in order to 'convince' (trick, maneuver, entrap) them into coming back to the marriage - change YOU, and let them see, over time, that what you have to offer is preferable. Allow them the time to make that choice. As long as you are honest, trustworthy, loving, and strong, the fact that they may reject you, or walk away - becomes their loss.
 
#5 ·
She was more cordial before her 5 days of space this week she says she figure out budgets contacted real estate agents she says its the only option I disagree. I am willing to try she was still somewhat upset when divorce was stated as a sorta fine that's it. She actually grabbed some responsibility by saying this is my situation I created it that hasn't happened until today. She stated she wants to be able to go out and me not ask where she went and have normal afterwork type conversations. I mentally went from first to fifth gear and am done askin anything as hard as it maybe .......see IC this week. I will give this my best. Still looking for input.
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#7 ·
Also this week OM made closure phone call confirmed by OM spouse my W doesn't want to talk about it again she is acting angry and resentful again. She says she wants all this seperation do I wait on her to take action and see if she really wants that? What's the best way to handle this?
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#8 ·
Also I know full well not to trust her right now but her behavior is that of an alien not the person I have know for over 20 years. I figure she is either done or just wants to see if I will even possibly be able to go a week without R talk. She wants to avoid it! This will be hard but I am going to doubly back off again and try to be tje supportive person I am wondering if that is what she needs her personality always needed that. She alway kept things in and avoided conflict. Do I observe and report to myself to determine my next steps? Work on R vs seek a D lawyer. She is expecting me to do something far outside my character in a negative sense regarding house kids etc. Because she says u never know what someone will do when they r mad. Let's see how today goes no plans everyones together.
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#9 ·
She wants to "set you off" so that you will do something that you will regret later, and she can use that against you in court to get a better settlement. I've heard of D lawyers telling the wife to get in her STBX's face and provoke him into pushing her, then she could the cops and have him hauled out for abuse, just the thing to have the judge see! Look up dirty divorce tricks online, one of them is a "trial seperation", not a legal one with paperwork, and then the judge took that as "willfull abandonment", and punished the H accordingly.

It is my opinion that she knows that she is in the wrong, and she's desperately trying to make you look like the bad guy.

Incidentally, if my wife started acting the way you described, I'd let her go.
 
#139 ·
It is getting easier to perceive the letting go. Not for my kids though.

The DB method of not exposing for recovery or the Hartley method of full exposure for possibly saving marriage. If she only had a Facebook it would be so easy. I am rereading the thread to keep myself in check. Will be checking in with OM spouse and pointing some of the things from this thread out to her.

So is this how a spoiled teenage girl behaves?
 
#10 · (Edited)
I am approaching letting go was holding onto hope for the kids thanks know her well enough to know her body language she answered an honest no. When I asked if she has spoken to a lawyer. She's using her cell for everytthing it will show up. Thank God for the blue skies and beautiful day today!!!!!
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#11 ·
If you do decide to let her go, let her make all the decisions, and don't agree with her that maybe seperation/divorce is a good idea, that can be used against you too-many judges will make their decisions based on who initiated the divorce, and if they think that YOU initiated it, you will lose everything.
 
#13 · (Edited)
Keep the point of views coming I don't want to get tunnel vision. You may be rt I don't know we are in counseling and have been addressing underlying issues. I think my time frame for progress is through the holidays more detatching for me if she is serious about finding a place that's time enough and then the kids won't have my mom move out on christmas. I will remain vigilant. Thanks. 20 Plus yrs friends 15 yrs as a couple one big screw up on her part I would be asking for the second chance.
another note to the scenario is I have told her if you need to go then go still no firm action and I believe she has squirreled away enough funds for a short term get out
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#14 ·
Well just messes up she broughg out a budget it got emotional she's done doesn't see a reason to try to even work it and pretend around the kids she started mentioning things from 8 years ago and I lost it and said fine if you are that done go now so she is not going to stay here tonight maybe not again.
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#16 ·
There's no good about this it was emotions I don't know wether or not to say stay home tonight when she gets back with kids the after d day she left for a day and she is making plans to make a move happen. Savings looking for house. I also think as posted she is in a bit of the fog. I want her to stay but. She no matter the outcome needs a break so do we do a legal seperation. We have been seperate in the house for 6- 8. But she is saying the issues go back 10 years my youngest isn't even 6
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#17 ·
Well just messes up she broughg out a budget it got emotional she's done doesn't see a reason to try to even work it and pretend around the kids she started mentioning things from 8 years ago and I lost it and said fine if you are that done go now so she is not going to stay here tonight maybe not again.
A large part of the reason things happen in this fashion is because things like this...

"...and I lost it..."
...occur.

This is what she is looking for - emotional responses that give her a license to act on her whims. That is exactly why I wrote above:

"...Calm down, slow down, take it easy, and work through life one step at a time..."
Disbelief, until you back away from your emotions and simply experience them, rather than letting them decide what your next move will be, things will continue to escalate. The single greatest tool a Loyal Spouse has in their arsenal is rational calmness.

The single greatest tool the Disloyal Spouse has is YOUR emotional reaction. Even if they come across as 'decided' and calm, its because they have already based their decision upon how you react to situations. This is an excellent example: your wife brings up a budget, and it turns into a fight.

So what was it, bad math? Her demanding too much money, too much time? Why was an EMOTIONAL reaction necessary? Why wasn't a calm examination of the facts, and a calm discussion not preferable? If preferable, why was it not done?

I am not saying I don't understand how this can happen: what I am saying is that if you wish to get your marriage on track, you will have to stop letting your emotions run your life. Imagine how the conversation had gone if you had remained calm - regardless of your wife's statements, or even her emotions! Even if you had disagreed over the content of the budget - YOU remaining calm would not have given her the reason to go the REAL reason she was there: to start a fight - to get things back into that comfortable rut that brought about the situation you are in now. She needs you to keep freaking, whining, complaining, threatening, controlling and casting about - in order to make her leaving an easy - and even 'understandable' - course of action.

But what happens if you stop all of that? Now all of the sudden she will have to come up with NEW justifications - even in her own mind. Throw that wrench into the works and see how it turns out!

Of COURSE you will still experience emotions! You are a physical being. But because you are HUMAN, you have the ability to CHOOSE to act, regardless of how you feel. It's that choice that makes the difference in your marriage.

So 1) quit operating under expectations: stop expecting her to do things differently that she does - especially since YOU are not doing anything differently!

2) Quit relying on your emotions to guide you. Make a diligent and concerted effort to switch to acting on a rational course of action. And make the goal of that action to improve yourself. It would do you NO GOOD to make all kinds of plans on how you are going to make her love you, or make her stop cheating, or make her behave in ANY way other than she does now. That is HER CHOICE. The only person you should be working on is you, because it is YOU she is using for the reasons to leave - not her (regardless of what she may say.) She is using YOUR actions to justify hers. Don't give her that option!
 
#18 · (Edited)
[ QUOTE=Tanelornpete;207896]A large part of the reason things happen in this fashion is because things like this...
It happened like a darn reflex.......... so is it good to say no you can stay
 
#19 ·
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


Well said!! :allhail:

Some people here on the forum even warned you about this, so let me give you an example. She comes over with an ABSURD budget, that says she keeps the house, the kids, gets 80% of your take home income, and you get all the bills. I mean--it is imaginative, it's so unrealistic.

Scenario #1: You disagree and call her a name, under your breath. She snipes back. You tell her to stop being "b!tchy". She screams. You scream and say things you don't mean.
Result #1: She has the justification to move and can claim you are abusive. See? She *HAD* to leave you because you were emotionally abusing her!

Scenario #2: You disagree with the budget and state that, calmly. She tries to escalate by calling you a name. You count to 10 and then say, "I disagree and will not engage in a fight with you." She tries again by screaming. You reply with "I would be happy to discuss this with you when you can stay calm and respectful. For now I'm going to the other room so you can cool down." You walk to another room. SHE follows YOU, screaming the whole way. You reply, "I can not control your choices but I can control me and I choose to not fight with you."
Result #2: She was the one behaving abusively, not you. You stated your boundary (not fighting with you), held to it, and she has no justification to move or make any claims against you. Now she has to come up with another tactic and another "justification."
 
#22 ·
It happened like a darn reflex.......... so is it good to say no you can stay
That is completely understandable - reacting emotionally is second nature to pretty much everyone (especially in society nowadays - where we are trained to do so. It is a habit - and one can be replaced. Just like any other habit, it is difficult to replace, but gets easier over time. So don't get too harsh on yourself for slips. It happens.

And sure - it's a good thing to tell her she can stay. In fact, I'd advise you to apologize for the hurt that fight may have caused her (even if she refuses to apologize for the hurt she caused you in the same fight.) The point is to keep your own side of the slate clean, regardless of the crap she carries on hers...

It was all emotion seeing the budget confirming she wants to split
Again, that's because reacting emotionally is a habit - and a dangerous one. It is definitely beneficial to people in power - as long as you can be controlled by appealing to your emotions, a politician can get away with pretty much anything. But it hardly ever benefits you!

Here's the issue: just because you feel something does not give you the right (or privilege) to react by flinging abuse. It doesn't excuse her either - but you can't control that! You can control you. And you'll take a LOT of the wind out of her sails by changing how you act around her.
 
#23 · (Edited)
Apologized calmly to I told her How seeing the budget seperated really upset me. We talked some more she still feels the need to move Out but still wants to buy so that will take time. I told her no more questions I still think she is emotionally wrecked by the affair OM dumped her marriage is in turmoil I can see som her emotional pain. She is beginning to take responsibility for what happened but she doe not like conflict. She leaves us in a relationship as a question saying she does not want us to hate each other and if she ends up single forever and I just visit she can live with that over us hating each other her parents divorced (an affair) and they still resent. She has it in her head that spplitting up is the only way. Putting blame on the marriage up to 10 years ago. I think i stated earlier our youngest is yet to turn 6. I have lost all hope.
I really did not want to raise my kids in a divorced home.
 
#24 ·
Morning update she stayed at her sisters, not the first time. Home this morning to see kids off to school. I calmly and nicely asked her to copy the budget she did so I can figure out what I need to do, answer it's not much and a big frown when looking down from me.
She talks about it fin though like all is good in the world. She is suppossed to go see a mortgage person today to see what she can afford. We have discussed legal seperation. Comments please.
 
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#25 ·
Get the legal seperation IN WRITING! Again, she may pull a "dirty trick" on you. True, there is the possibility that this could be an amicable split, but I still have the gut feeling that she is going to do everything she can to make this whole situation your fault, she'll play the innocent victim, and you will lose everything. Get a lawyer, like, YESTERDAY, and start working on covering your 6 o'clock.
 
#27 ·
Disbelief, sorry for all u r going through. I am a ww. I am in the same boat as your wife by the sounds of it. I am ready to leave but don't have the finances to do so and kids r older adults really. So u think OM has ended it with your wife and she still wants to leave.

Ok I believe if the OM has ended it then ww is hurting pretty bad right now. Feeling the grieving process, loosing a best friend, sorry for this but that is how I am feeling right now, as I said in the same boat. She thought they had a future and he has picked to stay with wife insted, kills a person inside......

Then her feelings for you::::::: GUILT for putting you through all of this. I'm positive she still loves you, but what were the problems that made the affair happen, did you work on that yet?
These things happen for a reason. I would say try to get her to stay with you as long as you can, use the holidays coming as an excuse and the kids. Do not smother her though and just don't react to her to badly, stay strong to act maybe like you want her to stay but she doesn't have to and you will survive. She needs for u to act strong not wimpy. I know this is difficult on you more so. God I know from watching my own husband having to deal with my emotions. Like I said I'm truely sorry for everyone involved in these things everyone is hurting so bad right now because of it. it's not fair. Get yourselves to councelling , go yourself if need be without her.

Something caused the breakdown of the marriage and until that is addressed she will be confused and not know either to stay and work on marriage or it's done and be on her own. If she thinks you have changed for the better ( depending on what she was needeing from you) she will probably be inclinded to stay. But if nothing has changed and hurt still there, you might as well let her go. I would definetly wait till after xmas and into the new year to make any final decisons as the holidays might just be what you both need.

Best of luck i will be praying for you.
 
#85 ·
So Blueeyes what would you from your position recomend for posotive interactions? Compliments? The casual touch to remind her I am there for her, shoulder pat on back etc? Hug if she needs/wants? She is soooooooo closed off. Distant. She doesn't jump at my touch like weeks ago and has actually hugged back.

Does the power of touch come into play here?

After she stayed away those couple of nights she came back without mentioning it and without me asking. She said the other night she was feeling less welcome here i told her that is because she is spending so much time out of the house. I reminded her she was still welcome. It's painful I do not like the situation but I genuinely care. And it just hit me that if she absolutley needed out she does actually have an option just not her #1 way to do it.

I miss my wife our family life as it was.
 
#28 ·
OH F102
You are making me sad with all your messages thinking that his wife is out to screw him over royally. I don't know what happened to you but you need to relax a bit with the negative battle stances. They haven't even seperated yet and your out for a kill. Yes he needs to be aware but not with guns a blazin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
#29 ·
disbelief - my advice is in between blueyes and f102. She is stating she wants to separate, which means a separation agreement. I think it's important to protect yourself legally, but you can do it in a non-combative way. The tendency is to give her whatever she wants in the hopes of reconciliation. However is this doesn't come to pass, things do have a way of degrading quickly and you could find yourself in a bad position. Emotions change over time, legal agreements do not.

Get an agreement signed. Do it in such a way that it is out of respect for her. Something like, "I understand you are intent on separating. I respect your feelings on this, you know my position is that I hope we can work through it. I'm working on making personal changes regardless of what happens. However, if we are to separate, it is important we have an agreement in writing to formulate an effective coparenting plan. I hope it doesn't come to this."
 
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