My W had an EA/PA she took this week for space.OM is staying with his family. we have 5 kids. She finally admitted she feels leaving is the only option will Divorce busting and 7 steps even work at this point. It wil be a couple of months before she leaves the house. Help please.
Thanks for the posts at the same time what if she is just done. Or are the little signs of dissapointment like when asking for a copy of the budget so I could figure out what I needed to ........signs of supressed desire to stay tthe reality is if she needed to be out her mother has room but W doesn't like it there Posted via Mobile Device
I never told him to be combative and go on the offensive-I just told him to protect himself. I've seen friends go through divorces where the W was the one who left, agreed to make this as amicable as possible, then listened to their lawyers and ruined the guy for life, all because he believed her. All I told him to do was protect himself so he doesn't lose his shirt, and to get things in writing. Any judge will tell you that, no matter what side they are on.
And blueyes, no one ever "did" anything to me. My uncle is a divorce lawyer, and the things he could tell you about nice guys who trusted everything their STBXWs told them, only to have them turn on him and destroy him, would make you ashamed to be human.
One day I awoke to find that my name had been removed from our joint bank account - which contained, among all else, an entire paycheck that had just been deposited: all because I was too nice to protect myself in case such might occur - 'She would never do that,' I told myself.....as it happened...
Like I said, try to get her to stay in the house without being to needy, almost like you don't care, and if she wants to talk just listen, to her don't try to solve her problems, just agree or acknowledge her but just listen. Thats the most important thing. If she was truely done she would be gone already not waiting to buy a house. Just slow and baby steps. good luck
Rereading to see where my head has been. So would this be along the lines of actions speak louder than words. She is still making sure the bills are all set. I got her to go grocery shopping to regain perspective on that expense. She has not complained about what we are spending since. I know they are small things. But I would think if she was done she would do absolutely nothing.
10/4 I agree. My exH left one day to move to another state and live with the other woman. He just disappeared and when he left, he wiped out our bank account and closed it. After he was gone a couple days, I began looking into our finances and found out he'd being using our money to pay for things for her and our bills were two or three months behind!
So it is reasonable to protect yourself from that kind of action--it is reasonable to actually *BE* fair--it is not reasonable to say "she would never do that" and trust her to think of you and be civil. She will do whatever she has to do to get what she wants, and logic and the fact that it will hurt the kids, etc. will not stop her. So shield yourself but don't go on the attack. Make sense?
Yes makes sense she has been secretive about some stuff that was closer to d day and she was acting like a momma bear with someone trying to take the cubs somewhere inside she believes I am going to turn evil and lash out. She has not short changed the budget she has worked more to be out of the house and is putting that money aside hasn't told me where not sure if I should ask again. Bills r paid I look she does them. Kids r most important to her.
Talking, she only wants to talk about day to day stuff. We shall see thanks everyone this helps Posted via Mobile Device
So she deciding to stay with family again tonight ........I said it's up to u. Right wrong doesn't matter at this point??????? Posted via Mobile Device
How about "I'm glad you decided to stay with your family tonight - it is so nice to have you around..."
It goes without saying that 'it is up to her' - as long as that is the content of your communication with her all it looks like to her is that you are unconcerned what she does. THe point here is that at every chance, give her the impression that home and family is the right choice; not out of coercion or emotional extortion, but simply because it is.
Saying things like 'eh, whatever you want' leaves her the impression you could possibly, if you tried, care less. But not much. And arguing with her demonstrates that you wish to enslave her, control and copmmand her. Instead, point out how happy you are when she makes moral choices, and keep in mind that this is your family, and that you are there to be its strength.
From what I can see of her actions, she is not sure what is right or wrong. She is operating under the idea that her opinions and emotions dictate moral actions - so no, 'right' or 'wrong' make little difference. Part of what we call 'the fog.'
Thanks I have to re implement the delay and think before responding it was via txt. I will make a similar statement when I get home it is more of what I wanted to say but all I came up with was argumentitive you have a good approach. Posted via Mobile Device
Just to let you know, the reason for advising stating things differently is part of the entire solution, which is to begin to think and do things differently. The old way didn't work, and the overall change should encompass your entire life, not just the issue you face right now. By changing how you act, you begin to change how you think, which leads to improvement.
I did want to correct one thing I said: you wrote that your wife was 'staying with family' tonight - I took that to means she was staying home (her actual family) - rather than her 'extended' family (all those outside her marriage.
Doesn't mean you need to change your response much, at best, I'd make a point somewhere in there that you hope this gives her some peace of mind, or something like that - and always let her know that she is missed at home. (That way you are acknowledging her choice, and at the same time leaving the option of a warm home reception open.)
Is part of the fog normal for her to look and behave mad as soon as I get home be defensive about normal talk and then goto a different room? We have had no negative exchanges today
later no response when I mentioned it was nice having her at home. Posted via Mobile Device
Is part of the fog normal for her to look and behave mad as soon as I get home be defensive about normal talk and then goto a different room? We have had no negative exchanges today
It could definitely be the result of some foggy thinking. It could also be an anger issue that she's had for some time, a defense mechanism, etc. In any event, foggy thinking can certainly trigger this sort of behavior.
Best defense: ignore it (yes that's tough) and stay calm, thinking about a response befoire you give it. Keep in mind that the way you want to approach conversation with her is to make sure she feels safe and heard. So, perhaps make an observation - "I see that made you angry...is it something I said?" - and then let her vent it - without argument.
Doesn't mean you have to agree! All it means right now is that you are giving her some room to get things in the open - and showing her a new side.
Along with this, however, is the idea that you are not there for abuse. If things turn into verbal abuse, excuse yourself from the conversation - go to another room, calmly letting her know that she is free to talk to you, but you choose not to be a part of any abuse.
Don't worry about that - that will take care of itself one way or another. Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to work on you. This is not dependent upon her actions in the future. It is dependent upon you, right now, doing what you can to strengthen your part of the marriage - which means in the end she will have less and less to complain about, and more and more to observe.
Well I suppose when she starts looking at property it will be the sign she is set on moving now that she know what she could get approved for. Posted via Mobile Device
Stay strong, bro. Sounds like you have the resilience to get through this, no matter the outcome. Too many guys get desperate and start doing things out of panic. You aren't one of them-if not for anyone else, do it for your kids. They need to see you strong and calm now.
So sorry to hear. I am in the same place- mine is out on the couch right now. Do the right things: calm down when she rachets up, face hate with love, answer harsh words with softer ones. At the very least, come away feeling like you stayed true to the marriage, to your vows and to yourself.
There is happiness on the other side of this one way or the other. You can start being a better person right now either way, because you always wanted to anyway. Get some exercise, work on something you've been putting off, etc.
I hope you can fix it, but if you do, do it the hard way that lasts- not the quick way that fizzles. I'm in mid "quick way that fizzles", and that is less fun then the first time around.
Thanks, Her roller coaster of emotions tortures mine I am just trying to make sure our conversations take place in a normal tone. I thinks she thought I was going to pull an R conversation last night We started talking she got the look and then I kept it away from that stuck to the day and some other ongoing issuues NOT R. I just think she is playing nice until she sets up to get out thats what my gut tells me. She spent the night again at her family. Wish I could see the future. I am begining to see why people just divorce, it at the moment seems the easier option. I need to engage my stubborn. OM contacted her this AM also she readily admitted. Know OM and OM spouse well he was mad at me so contacted my W. At least this time she did not deny at all. Still don't like it
Thanks 102 just have to put on a good face sometimes scary is how many of us r going through this I saw 2 old friends yesterday and that added 2 to the list plus 2 more I already new about and this forum. Its hearbreaking. My W has this 1 huge mistake besides that she has been a great mom friend wife lover companion all these years for me its workable her way is to hide from it how to get her to open up to dealing with it besides in counseling? I am backed off lots of deep breaths ......I hope its still the fog I hope it lifts. Posted via Mobile Device
So I want to know but do I just try to ignore it I know they talke do I confront her and asked if they got together?
I want to know if she is sleeping at her families house because she wants to or because she thinks she is not wanted at home do I ask or just keep it in reverse. Backed off?????? Posted via Mobile Device
Ok so I am going with the 180 guide. No questions only necessary daily living ones. It is hard but I am doing it anything else wait on her right.......someone encourage me....... Who knows wether or not it will make a difference i do notice that the important things tend to bring some tearing to her. She is holding back all emotion we are speaking cordially to each other even maintained eye contact during a conversation this morning. Is it the "fog" is she just planning her exit i don't know.
I still can't find that crystal ball!!!
Ok so we have a conversation. About house and kids and it leads nicely to D talk and I ask so that is your only option? She respond what other option is there I said to work at it she sighs head and shoulders down. Does it mean anything? Posted via Mobile Device
May mean that she knows deep down inside that it is still an option, but feels she doesn't have the strength to do so. She may be looking for the quick and easy solution.
She is the type to bury her head in the sand vs deal with something I would think her things would be making there way into boxes if she were dead serious the resentment anger bringing up this is what is wrong with marriage comes out of her even a couple times today.....time will tell we shall see how I tolerate Posted via Mobile Device
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