I don't want to thread jack further. However, I will say again that my whole POINT was that you can do all these things RIGHT and it doesn't work because the cheaters anticipate your wish to believe it is over and act to make the deception continue so the affair can.
I don't think this has become a hijack of the thread because of the importance of the no contact letter.
I do admit that my words 'it is entirely dependent' were an unfortunate choice - I was trying to speak to Disbelief about the importance of the wording of the letter, and the choice of WHO proofreads it and WHO mails it.
The exception I took to your post was instead based upon the argument you offer that since it did not work in your situation, it therefore does not work in others...
It's been my experience that the no contact letter or phone calls saying such are just grandstanding for the betrayed spouse.
Hardly ever result in full-stop contact.
I wished to point out that while this did not work in your case, it does not of necessity follow that these things 'hardly ever' work. That was based upon my observation of myriad instances where they do work.
And I pointed out, quite clearly (for the benefit of Disbelief) that the wording is important, which is why he would need to check it, and that it is also my experience (and many other people) that a cheating spouse will write a very good letter for their spouse to read, and then modify it quickly before they send it - hence the need for the LOYAL spouse to mail it.
Moreover, I make the 'caveat' that there are no guarantees, simply because you CAN do 'everything' right - or even 'a LOT' of it right - and yet the end result is still a loss. That, again, was to make sure that Disbelief goes into this with his eyes open.
This has nothing to do with your situation (which had other problems in action at the same time that you tried to ensure that your wife stop contact). This has ALL to do with giving Disbelief all of the necessary information and tools to do the best he can. Once we do that, the rest is not up to us.
In other words, my point was that you CAN do all of these things right and still not end up the way you want. And to do this, I gave indication of what things to do (the 'right' way) - so as to ensure the best possible outcome. Truly, I cannot help it if it strikes an emotional chord in you, and your input is greatly appreciated to demonstrate that this is a step in the right direction, and not a magic cure. But it does bother me that you are willing to argue general principles out of specific examples.
Just because something didn't work one time doesn't mean it didn't work somewhere else. And if I've seen it work more often than fail -
if the proper steps are taken. This in no way places blame on anyone (other than coincidentally) - the best possible course of action is dependent upon the participation by the Betrayed Spouse. It is only 'blame' if the Betrayed Spouse decides NOT to use the best possible means
after being fully informed of the best method - and instead allows their Disloyal Spouse to go about contacting the Other Person privately. In that case - hey, you should take a little blame!