Re: Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls
So we just had a talk about the A and a little of how we our marriage got there. It was a polite conversation she now looks distressed but probably because the reality is she is done, I don't think any method will bring this back unless you with more experience believe otherwise.
The conversation consisted of how she had been unhappy for a long time her body language response to 5 years would be that long. She says that she thought it was just the way it was suppssed to be so she did not speak up all that time. I told her if she only had i would have worked to fix it. She is not over the OM she is not in love with me anymore. I don't think 180's will do here. She wants to find a place and move out she believes the children will not miss her, she doesn't see any other way. Says she wasn't happy for years and I should have seen it, but how do you pick up on these things with a W whose personality is quiet not super loud ROFL there's little to detect. So Really is there a chance to bring her back or do I just face it and hold her off until after the holidays to tell the children.
My last glimmer of hope is burning out.
Re: Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls
Well what next anybody got anything. Terrible sleeping night. Is it part of the fog the withdrawal she finally admits her feelings but goes back to all the bad in our marriage that was never. Directly complained about all those years. But yet she gives a real hug her facial expression frustration. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls
Well this kind of a journal at the moment her resentment and anger is full force this morning I am again evil all the negatives is it her confronting emotions the fog. I really need some input here. Thanks everyone for your past posts. Posted via Mobile Device
Hold on, it ain't over til it's over. Even then there are possibilities... My brother and his wife divorced after 10 years of marriage, were apart for 5 more, re-married and have been together ongoing 20 more. Life can be quite messy.
Now as far as your children...
Thanks I am quite a mess this morning so was she for that matter I don't want my kids to feel this pain I would bear it all for them. She is the alien rt now and I don't know how to deal with it she recognized I have made changes but she still says seperation is the only way. Kids r young 11 and under. And despite all the negative she is now keeping me informed of schedule changes again without me asking. Is this the ultimate test of friendship love compassion and forgiveness. Please keep advice coming. Posted via Mobile Device
Could it be she's borderline personality disorder? It sounds like there is an imbalance.
Ther prob is a depression factor at this point youngest is 6 and there is delayed post partum and her high stress job is new within the last 3-4 years and I guess let's add the factors family death within 2 years change in jobs for both of us parenting stress financial stress. He's historically not outgoing not confident I guess maybe low self esteem her parents divorced .....affair ....married and, mother young. Our age 37. Yeah she has had antidepressants before but if I mention it now complete denial. All is good she found her happines in the A. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls
Disbelief - some basic guidelines affair care has been giving you.
BACK OFF - quit talking about the D until she has made a decision. I told my WW I wouldn't discuss D until 6 months minimum and probably a year had passed. Backing off gives her time to think without the explosions of arguments. ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE OPENING MOUTH! Walk out of the room, leave theouse, whatever you have to do. WIth both of your emotions at a boil over point, nothing good can come of it.
Quit focusing on the next day or last conversation, focus on what you want a year from now. Print out the love busters questionaire and ask her to fill it out. Then look for the samll pieces of it you can address alone or immediately. Remember as affaircare told me, it will be full of poisoned black painted comments on you. Don't take them to heart. You cannot change the past, only the future,
Re: Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls
First off, regarding the possibility of 'mental' disorders' (i.e., depression, borderline personality.) Depression is a natural reaction to high stress situations (and your wife is experiencing a whole lot of them!) This passes over time; the body naturally produces hormones, etc., that eventually will lead to an end to the condition. Only in rare (very rare) instances is a body incapable of producing the correct hormones - in that case (true clinical depression) then additional medicine is necessary.
BUT - and here is the issue: that requires extensive blood hormone level testing - over a period of time. Curiously, most doctors would rather supply a drug to mask the problem - rather than actually testing the patient's blood levels for a week or two to find out if the medicine is actually necessary.
And the problem is that as long as the drug is artificially stimulating the body to produce the necessary chemicals, the body shuts down its own natural ability. Self-perpetuating chemical dependency (known as 'addiction') - great for Pharmaceutical companies, not so great for the patient, who spends life in a drugged out zombie-state.
This goes for borderline personality disorder as well - to see if any such condition exists! ONLY if there is a blood chemical imbalance can this be effectively treated chemically. Otherwise, the condition is a handy means of excusing bad behavior ("...well, I can't help it...I'm sick...let me kick you again!...")
So it is best to stay away from drug cures in order to find solutions - without the correct diagnosis, the patient is essentially turned into the very thing they have been 'diagnosed' as being! (Again - goldmine for Pharmaceutical companies!)
People tend to do things that end bad feelings. The problem is that they tend to take the easiest, and fastest, route. An affair is a solution that is often chosen - without facing the reality of the situation (facing each stress factor, acknowledging it, giving it time to heal, coming to terms with it, etc.) - the faster 'cure' is sought. Some people turn to drugs to end the misery (alcohol, pot, etc...) Regardless: what is done is an attempt to fix the problem - an incorrect way!
Trouble is: the chosen routes create their own NEW set of problems that require ANOTHER solution....and on and on.
Reality is: the situations have to be faced squarely, honestly and diligently, no drugs, no quick fixes, etc., etc..
disbelief: I am giving you this information because of what 8years wrote above:
ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE OPENING MOUTH!
When you can really start thinking about this whole thing - you'll start becoming more and more attractive to your wife, who is casting about looking for ANYTHING that will make some of this easier. When you are the calm spot in the storm, a strong, solid pillar upon which to cling - at that point your wife will begin to gather some hope that things may be OK.
She did not find happiness in her affair! That's why she is thinking about separation! She is looking for solutions - she thinks THAT will solve it! She may have to actually get there to find out that THIS TOO, is not the solution.
But in the meantime: YOU become calmer, more reliable, stronger, more attractive. There is a great deal of hope for your marriage - and much of it stems upon you changing!
Re: Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls
Thank you for the replies. Just FYI last nights conversation was very cordial and calm. It did have on heightened moment but not even raised voices. I have some alone time the next few days I am going to reflect. I am going to reread things.
The conversation last night in retrospect now that I have let some emotions out on my own today I think maybe allowed her to get some stuff out, I hope. She has not been willing to talk about it at all, the A. I didn't ask any R or A questions to begin with. It began with the housing conversation and I asked what would make her happy and she kind of went on about 10 min. We ended on an OK note she cried a little when saying the A was her happiness. I started to say how that was without kids and so on and she went right on the defensive. She said she is not over the A not over him. I asked if seperation is still the only way she said what other way is there I said to work at it her body language slumped and sighed.
She did get defensive about a D comment I made so I recognize I need to increase that filter in my head and Back off from 90% to 220%. Very hard to do. Her talk of taking care of things is that she can still do the bills make sure we are all set pick up the kids when she is not working. Like it's no biggie just a divorce but still taking care of each other.
I don't know I will heed your advice I keep rereading the 180 list that has helped. Maybe these next few days of her with kids and me alone will help both of us. I do not expect a sudden change.
Goal : Back Off More!
Whats best for my kids still makes me happy!
Re: Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls
I don't like the back off goal myself DB. My situation is hardly different from yours, and here is what I'm doing:
1 I spend a lot of time reading and thinking. Doesn't make me feel good so probably I'll drop this activity.
2 I try to find little ways to connect to my wife that aren't invasive or long.
3 I try to talk to my wife every day for at least 30 minutes now. If it's to personal I just listen and support. I -do- not really discuss us because I find it futile. She is not on the same page as me.
4 any time I get a glimmer of something that sets me off I focus my entire mind on something that makes me happy. Screw those bad memories.
5 I am starting my body revamp ; I might as well look good on the outside, and when all this started that was the first thing I dumped. Mistake.
6 I do not back off. I am just not being invasive and pushing (much dude I know it's hard)
7 I pray but that's just me. Find your own rock.
8 I don't loose hope, ever. Time for that when we are dead. We are men. Even if the relationship dies, that fact will remain.
9 I use baby steps. I'm facing what I did and figuring out how to make it so they don't matter.
Some examples for me ... You can get more time if you think it'll help. Start large and break it down to the smallest part. It's like getting your foot in the door. There is always something so small that you can get it. Try it. Don't pound this because if you don't do something about the situation you are just ****ing with her. Not cool you will pay later. Don't focus on all the bad stuff from the past man, that'll burn you to. Reconnect with your wife, stabilize yourself, and create an environment that is a good spot for you both. And all that stuff about thinking about the OM? Man up and use your own imagination to erase that from your mind. Be 200% positive.
I'm no authority this is all my opinion, but the truth is that when I was single? No woman could say no. There's a line waiting for my wife to go. Why can't I get my **** together? Because I lost my edge ---- my negatives beat me down and I started fixing instead of living. That's my story though. I may fail here with my wife, but if I do it'll be in a blaze of glory that they will make movies like Tristan and Isolde. You see what i am saying? In truth if I fail it'll be because my will and my mind aren't strong enough to be the man she married.
Re: Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls
There may come a time when you should just let her have what she wants. It seems that nothing you do will convince her that staying is an option. She just wants to be a carefree, swinging single again.
Her ambivalence is normal. The OM represented a fantasy where she was loved without any of the baggage of real life. She's mourning the loss of that and dealing with a lot of shame.
Thank you all your posts are very much needed at this time. I have time completly to myself for a couple days for the first time since d day so maybe it will help.
The thing is I thought we were good all this blind sided me now she says and maybe it's the rewriting that things were bad for years. We hardly argued. Discussed issues and resolved them I thought turns out she didn't get over alot of things and never let me know. Can't fix that can only work on what is to come. But it feels like these things need to be addressed to get the anger and resent out.
I choose backing off more because she withdraws when faced with conflict the nicer I am the more she has talked. The only thing I have on my side is time because of how she forsees moving out. I said after the holidays and she needs to find a place.
Time will tell.
Re: Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls 
