The only thing with which I am concerned is the fact that there is no reason to use the Exposure step
if the affair is over. Even if your wife is planning on leaving. Leaving the home and having an affair are two distinct things, and have to be dealt with in different ways.
Absolutely, exposure is a necessary and very effective step to use if the affair is ongoing. If it has gone farther undercover; if it has been put on hold, etc., then exposure is used to make sure the illicit relationship becomes publicly known. But if it ended, then exposure simply becomes a means of revenge and punishment; neither of which are in any way positive, nor acceptable steps toward recovery. Using exposure for revenge is just as immoral as the affair.
The reason I bring this up is the fact that the OM's wife seems to be working on a No Contact letter with her husband. If this is true; if this letter is delivered (and it is written in such a way as to clearly demonstrate intent) - then the Other Man is no longer in the affair, and any hope of maintaining it is simply in your wife's mind, and that will fade over time, as she goes through the 'withdrawal' phase.
My advice: make sure that the Other Man's wife and he are definitely working on the No Contact letter to your wife, and he is not simply playing his wife. That's simple enough - it only takes a day or so to write, proof and mail the thing. If there is hesitation, then act on the assumption that the affair is still alive.
To address a couple of other questions:
My question at this moment is why there are the two extreme strategies of reveal and expose the A vs Div Bust. Last Resort Technique where you don't expose.
Actually, there is very little difference at all: the Last Resort Technique is equivalent to a Plan A (or our Carrot & Stick phase) - which comes as step 5 in the seven step 'program' on Affaircare. Where you see a disconnect is in trying to jump ahead a step - if you take a good look at the Carrot & Stick phase - or a Plan A, you will NEVER see any advice to expose. By the time you get to that phase, you have already exposed, and moved past that step.
In my case with W's personality If I expose and it is over then this M will never have a chance. Us co parenting even divorced would have a slim chance. She will never get past that. Should her discomfort matter, no, but the one persons opinion she values most already knows.
These are extremely confusing sentences (the syntax is, well, almost missing...) - so I'll try to answer what I
think you are asking. Note: remember how I emphasize the need to begin thinking clearly if you wish to save your marriage? A good way to practice and develop that habit is to make sure what you write here actually says what you mean!
So, for the first sentence: "...In my case with W's personality If I expose and it is over then this M will never have a chance..."
A lot inferred here. First, the 'it' which is 'over' - is this the affair or what happens after exposure? I am assuming that what you meant to ask was:
"...If the affair is already over and I expose it anyway, my marriage is over..."
This seems to be predicated on your knowledge of your wife's personality, which may well be true, although from past experience with your thought processes throughout this thread, this also could be attributed to your imagination creating all kinds of doomsday scenarios, to which you respond with hysteria and inaction.
It may well be that if you use exposure in order to harm her, that she might leave. This is NO guarantee that the marriage is over, however. As the dizziness from the affair fades, and she begins to look at life more realistically, her anger over this might well fade too. Especially if this is the ONLY thing that you have done wrong. As she begins to sober up, she may well see that there is more good in the marriage than this one mistake.
However, you assume that if she leaves the house, that automatically means the marriage is OVER, the world as we know it will end, cats and dogs will live together, and down will become up. She may well leave the home. She may well begin divorce proceedings. All of that may well be true. But the marriage is not over till the divorce is finalized. Got it?
Finalized. Until then, you have every opportunity to work on the marriage.
So suppose you do expose the affair, and then it turns out that it's already over, and your wife becomes all indignant that you would have the gall to not believe her after all the lies she's told you. In anger, she storms out of the house, declaring "...that's IT, we are THROUGH..." etc., etc., etc., yadda yadda yadda.
In what way does that infer that the divorce is therefore finalized? Have papers already been filed? Have you responded? If not, then there is a good deal of time ahead of you.
Stop imagining the future, and live right now, work right now, and let the past take care of itself, and the future unravel as it will.
"...Us co parenting even divorced would have a slim chance. She will never get past that...."
Here you let your imagination, and the corresponding emotions throw logic and reality out the window.
It is possible that she may never get past being angry at you for making a mistake (exposing the affair after it is over). Her personality may be one that NEVER EVER forgives a mistake someone makes. (Question here: why would you want to be married to someone who NEVER EVER forgives?) However, even given that rather
completely unbelievable premise, how in ANY stretch does the fact that she will not forgive you for making this mistake in ANY WAY infer that this will somehow cause the court system to reject a co-parenting plan?
That makes absolutely no sense, is completely contrary to reality, and is therefore only in your really messed up imagination. My advice is to start pro-actively thinking rather than reacting to every situation. I keep saying that - not to be mean - but because that is the KEY to you improving your situation. I repeat,
it is the key!
When a divorce is filed, part of the divorce decree is a parenting plan. Your wife does not determine parenting. The court does, and it bases it upon how capable you are of parenting, and of whether you pass it's criteria for a fit parent: do you abuse the children? Do you neglect them? Do you do drugs around them? Are you a current popular political enemy of the state? If not, then the court will set up a co-parenting plan.
Your wife is free to object, etc. - in which case the divorce will be a contested one (which works in your favor, since it means dragging the process out over an indefinite amount of time while the conditions of the divorce are settled (more time = more chance your wife will begin to change her mind).
But your wife's opinion in NO WAY can decree a custody plan. SO why even bother to use that as some sort of excuse not to do things that can save your marriage?
Should her discomfort matter, no, but the one persons opinion she values most already knows.
In reality, this is not exposure, at least not as we use it at Affaircare. This is DISCLOSURE (step 3). This step
precedes exposure by giving your cheating spouse the chance to listen to reason from a trusted source. If they respond to this, there is no need to go farther. All this means is that you've moved beyond step 3 and are at step 4.
And that step hinges on if the affair is still ongoing. See the first part of my post!
Affaircare's Seven Steps to Ending An Affair.