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Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls

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#1 ·
My W had an EA/PA she took this week for space.OM is staying with his family. we have 5 kids. She finally admitted she feels leaving is the only option will Divorce busting and 7 steps even work at this point. It wil be a couple of months before she leaves the house. Help please.
 
#146 ·
You include her work when you do this I don't have those contacts. So the real goal is for the discomfort? Hoping it will end the A? Because I feel like this M is already done. Like she is just waiting to find a place to ask for a D. But she's not taken aggressive action there, is that fear? Is exposing better than the div busters method of not and backing off. Ugh. So in my case if I expose she will not come back to this M. If I don't expose she will prob div anyway but I still have 13 years of parenting and then the rest of life. This is lousy.
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#147 · (Edited)
As for the work: I was not going to include this yet, if there is a separation, you want her to pay you child support and 50% of all the bills. If the OM works at the same place tell us.

Your exposure does not change what is going to happen, it is to protect you and your children, it is about you being honest with every one, no lies no deceit.

I would stop second guessing her next move and take your steps, she may well leave and use this as an excuse but hey imagine her looking into her parents eyes after the exposure, not pleasant she will be lying for the rest of her life that is permanent pressure on her. Everyone will know she is a cheat who will trust their husbands around her.

Whatever her next steps they will be difficult for her, do not make it easy. You have two persons to deal with the OM and your wife. When one cracks the other will shake, patience and truth are on your side.

You have a plan follow it, keep a watchful brief on her and do what you must do.

Your children and you will get through this, have faith, no matter what the outcome you will come out the better person, your children will love you and everyone that has the slightest common sense will support you. There will be dissenters, note their names for future avoidance.
 
#148 · (Edited)
Well what to say what to do? At this point I don't know If any action matters. We just talked a little after she said she was going out to look at places. I acted nice. I said nicely, paraphrasing: so essentially you are done with me, nothing I can say will change anything you do and you are going to move out. Her response: I guess so. (seperation and the D word not mentioned)
I kindly thanked her for a good 15 years that I thought were good, as she left and hugged her. Maybe this was not the best Divorce busting move.
She has kept this line of statements coming since D-Day. She says all this began long before the affair. So does anything I do matter? A Plan, B Plan, Div Busting, 7 Step. I mean I will keep doing the 180's because it is bettering me which makes my home better for the Kids. But the W. Is there any point. What a shame. If she had only directly stated her issues over the years instead of hinting. I feel as though I just need to move on.
Next couples counselor appointment in 9 days. Is it even worth exposing the affair? She says also wether or not she talks to OM this is her path so it doesn't matter. I directly asked if the plan was for OM to move in she claims to be doing this for herself with no clue what OM is doing?

Thanks again everyone

I hope Tomorrow is better than today.
 
#149 · (Edited)
You send out the exposure now.

Do not kid yourself that the OM is not in on this plan.

As for the problems in your marriage they can and will be resolved.

Don't lose heart, expose now and then get a legal separation.

Do listen to me, your wife and the OM are one step ahead of you. Make the move fast, she and the OM will not expect you to do the massive exposure, so do it now.

They ARE going to gaslight you her words are the start so listen and act fast


She says also wether or not she talks to OM this is her path so it doesn't matter. I directly asked if the plan was for OM to move in she claims to be doing this for herself with no clue what OM is doing?
So all they had were platonic conversations and she is love with him so he had nothing to do with this.

Move fast every delay plays into their hands. They will have you over a barrel as the bad husband who did not care for his wife.
 
#150 · (Edited)
Furthermore when you have completed the exposure warn the OM's wife she faces a real threat OM will be leaving soon or will have more ready access to your wife.

It looks bleak now, this is part of what many go though and a large number of these marriages recover.

She has played her card to leave you must take your next step, I must caution you if you delay you will reduce the odds on recovery. The proposed steps are there to be taken at the right time, you have the information, she is admitting the affair so now fight for your marriage. She is deep in the fog so what ever you do smile and ignore her comments, she thinks she is on her way to paradise. Start popping that bubble

There is nothing wrong with exposure, there is something wrong with adultery
 
#151 ·
I am so glad to know i'm not the only one having problems..i am so hurt and confused i dont know what to do...My husband of over 20 yrs started acting different the last week in September 2010 and i started asking him what was going on...i finally find out that he was having an affair...he would leave and sometimes stay gone all day and night and then reappear...it supposedly ended last week but yesterday he left to go to work and told me he would be back early.....i finally talked to him he told me he would be home in 20 minutes he never came home til this morning before work...i asked him what was going on and he said he was confused!! But he says he dont want a divorce or sepereration...i am going to pieces seems like someone plz help, I'm trying to stay strong and I know my kids need me but i have no one to talk to!!
 
#153 ·
Well I am going to be watching for things that don't seem right and figuring this out. i have taken into full consideration all the posts. My question at this moment is why there are the two extreme strategies of reveal and expose the A vs Div Bust. Last Resort Technique where you don't expose.
My goal is the best interst of my children which would have been for my W not to have done this!! Since I cannot Change that next would be preserving the marriage. I have more info that says OM is done done with the A and her I do not want to post details.
In my case with W's personality If I expose and it is over then this M will never have a chance. Us co parenting even divorced would have a slim chance. She will never get past that. Should her discomfort matter, no, but the one persons opinion she values most already knows.
I am info gathering, trying to detatch as best I can, taking care of myself and my kids. If things really look like they are heating up with OM. Then I suppose it's expose or legal action.

How is it after all this emotional pain I can look at her across the room from me and still feel the deepest love like it did not happen. Of course as soon as I catch that feeling creeping up now it I distract myself to prevent it from setting in.
 
#154 · (Edited)
Your Marriage is over unless you stand up and fight for it, the OM's marriage is over as well. To assume otherwise is accepting that your wife and the OM dictate the terms and they are dictating the journey. Your inactivity is the greatest support they could ever have asked for.

As for getting past exposure why would she be unhappy, she is proud to have the affair so stop making excuses on her behalf.

For now you have one task, save your marriage, the process is simple - expose them to all, then we will work with you. If you intend to do nothing, why bother talking about being married, write a note to the OM's wife and let her know her marriage is on the way out as well.

These are harsh words you are not the first to go on this journey learn from others, those who delayed and procrastinated took a lot of pain and have been gaslighted to all by there WS. Do not be in the same position. Man up and do what needs to be done now.

You need the support of your family and those friends that believe in marriage, the only way they can support you is if you tell them.

If your new information came from the OM's wife, since when do you start believing what the OM says, he is texting your wife , has he stopped. Don't be fooled and as for his wife, tell her to buck up and stop being so gullible. They are professional liars and until they agree a full no contact and the subsequent steps they are still in the affair. This is par for the course , don't be fooled.
 
#155 ·
Fight for your marriage, and let the OM be the jackass that loses it all. By all means, start sqeualing like a pig. Expose her on Thanksgiving in front of the whole family: raise your glass, say you are thankful for the happy years you're wife gave you, but, it may soon be all over because...
 
#156 ·
I can see no phone contact since he was drunk sunday I guess her Sister confronted him at a bar. Thanksgiving would end up revealing to my kids and my parent she is working her family is spread out on t day.
her story has not changed she brought up moving out again this am. I spoke with om spouse last night he is presenting as committed he supposedly told off my w sunday she is acting like it just ended again. OM spouse is supposed to post on MB Forum she was going to address no contact letters. I am still observing. Can't see emails though. She does all that on her phone and like everybody else it's attatched to her.
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#157 ·
A warning that you must heed.. you are not the first to go down the route you are following, you will be the first to fail.

The exposure route is a tried and proven method and swings the balance back to the marriage. Both you and the OM's wife are not secure in your marriages, the OM is a liar do not forget this, your wife's very behaviour should tell you she is still in contact with him , they have chosen another route ..the affair is still ongoing. untill both parties are exposed and follow due process.


There are no secrets, honesty and truth are your only weapons, silence is not , she is going to gaslight you.
 
#160 ·
The only thing with which I am concerned is the fact that there is no reason to use the Exposure step if the affair is over. Even if your wife is planning on leaving. Leaving the home and having an affair are two distinct things, and have to be dealt with in different ways.

Absolutely, exposure is a necessary and very effective step to use if the affair is ongoing. If it has gone farther undercover; if it has been put on hold, etc., then exposure is used to make sure the illicit relationship becomes publicly known. But if it ended, then exposure simply becomes a means of revenge and punishment; neither of which are in any way positive, nor acceptable steps toward recovery. Using exposure for revenge is just as immoral as the affair.

The reason I bring this up is the fact that the OM's wife seems to be working on a No Contact letter with her husband. If this is true; if this letter is delivered (and it is written in such a way as to clearly demonstrate intent) - then the Other Man is no longer in the affair, and any hope of maintaining it is simply in your wife's mind, and that will fade over time, as she goes through the 'withdrawal' phase.

My advice: make sure that the Other Man's wife and he are definitely working on the No Contact letter to your wife, and he is not simply playing his wife. That's simple enough - it only takes a day or so to write, proof and mail the thing. If there is hesitation, then act on the assumption that the affair is still alive.

To address a couple of other questions:

My question at this moment is why there are the two extreme strategies of reveal and expose the A vs Div Bust. Last Resort Technique where you don't expose.
Actually, there is very little difference at all: the Last Resort Technique is equivalent to a Plan A (or our Carrot & Stick phase) - which comes as step 5 in the seven step 'program' on Affaircare. Where you see a disconnect is in trying to jump ahead a step - if you take a good look at the Carrot & Stick phase - or a Plan A, you will NEVER see any advice to expose. By the time you get to that phase, you have already exposed, and moved past that step.

In my case with W's personality If I expose and it is over then this M will never have a chance. Us co parenting even divorced would have a slim chance. She will never get past that. Should her discomfort matter, no, but the one persons opinion she values most already knows.
These are extremely confusing sentences (the syntax is, well, almost missing...) - so I'll try to answer what I think you are asking. Note: remember how I emphasize the need to begin thinking clearly if you wish to save your marriage? A good way to practice and develop that habit is to make sure what you write here actually says what you mean!

So, for the first sentence: "...In my case with W's personality If I expose and it is over then this M will never have a chance..."

A lot inferred here. First, the 'it' which is 'over' - is this the affair or what happens after exposure? I am assuming that what you meant to ask was:

"...If the affair is already over and I expose it anyway, my marriage is over..."

This seems to be predicated on your knowledge of your wife's personality, which may well be true, although from past experience with your thought processes throughout this thread, this also could be attributed to your imagination creating all kinds of doomsday scenarios, to which you respond with hysteria and inaction.

It may well be that if you use exposure in order to harm her, that she might leave. This is NO guarantee that the marriage is over, however. As the dizziness from the affair fades, and she begins to look at life more realistically, her anger over this might well fade too. Especially if this is the ONLY thing that you have done wrong. As she begins to sober up, she may well see that there is more good in the marriage than this one mistake.

However, you assume that if she leaves the house, that automatically means the marriage is OVER, the world as we know it will end, cats and dogs will live together, and down will become up. She may well leave the home. She may well begin divorce proceedings. All of that may well be true. But the marriage is not over till the divorce is finalized. Got it? Finalized. Until then, you have every opportunity to work on the marriage.

So suppose you do expose the affair, and then it turns out that it's already over, and your wife becomes all indignant that you would have the gall to not believe her after all the lies she's told you. In anger, she storms out of the house, declaring "...that's IT, we are THROUGH..." etc., etc., etc., yadda yadda yadda.

In what way does that infer that the divorce is therefore finalized? Have papers already been filed? Have you responded? If not, then there is a good deal of time ahead of you.

Stop imagining the future, and live right now, work right now, and let the past take care of itself, and the future unravel as it will.

"...Us co parenting even divorced would have a slim chance. She will never get past that...."

Here you let your imagination, and the corresponding emotions throw logic and reality out the window.

It is possible that she may never get past being angry at you for making a mistake (exposing the affair after it is over). Her personality may be one that NEVER EVER forgives a mistake someone makes. (Question here: why would you want to be married to someone who NEVER EVER forgives?) However, even given that rather completely unbelievable premise, how in ANY stretch does the fact that she will not forgive you for making this mistake in ANY WAY infer that this will somehow cause the court system to reject a co-parenting plan?

That makes absolutely no sense, is completely contrary to reality, and is therefore only in your really messed up imagination. My advice is to start pro-actively thinking rather than reacting to every situation. I keep saying that - not to be mean - but because that is the KEY to you improving your situation. I repeat, it is the key!

When a divorce is filed, part of the divorce decree is a parenting plan. Your wife does not determine parenting. The court does, and it bases it upon how capable you are of parenting, and of whether you pass it's criteria for a fit parent: do you abuse the children? Do you neglect them? Do you do drugs around them? Are you a current popular political enemy of the state? If not, then the court will set up a co-parenting plan.

Your wife is free to object, etc. - in which case the divorce will be a contested one (which works in your favor, since it means dragging the process out over an indefinite amount of time while the conditions of the divorce are settled (more time = more chance your wife will begin to change her mind).

But your wife's opinion in NO WAY can decree a custody plan. SO why even bother to use that as some sort of excuse not to do things that can save your marriage?

Should her discomfort matter, no, but the one persons opinion she values most already knows.
In reality, this is not exposure, at least not as we use it at Affaircare. This is DISCLOSURE (step 3). This step precedes exposure by giving your cheating spouse the chance to listen to reason from a trusted source. If they respond to this, there is no need to go farther. All this means is that you've moved beyond step 3 and are at step 4.

And that step hinges on if the affair is still ongoing. See the first part of my post!

Affaircare's Seven Steps to Ending An Affair.
 
#161 ·
These are extremely confusing sentences (the syntax is, well, almost missing...) - so I'll try to answer what I think you are asking. Note: remember how I emphasize the need to begin thinking clearly if you wish to save your marriage? A good way to practice and develop that habit is to make sure what you write here actually says what you mean!

I used to write much better. To much texting nowadays. I guess I keep focusing on her not being able to get over anyone finding out because when D Day came she was a emotional mess. Well so was I. In those conversations she was very to the point that if family ever found out she would not be able to face them again. Her mom left her dad for an A partner he still resents 30 years later. I think he would have a very bad reaction to her. Her sis knows and that's her most valued relation.
I am watching phone calls her behavior is as if the A is over. The OM spouse began talking no contact letter with him. I encouraged her to sign up on marriage builders.
When I back off everything is more productive and she has less talk of moving out. The kids have been needing her more when she is home to. Even with that she dropped the comment that they will be fine they won't notice I'm gone. She is talking that she has found a furnished temporary place she could rent. She still has not stated I want a D.

Thanks Again all.
Not enjoying this.
 
#163 ·
I have seen none since sunday night when he was drunk at a bar. Reportedly my W's Sis confronted him and om spouse says when om was still drunk om told om spouse he told my w it was done never to call again and so on. Truth serum???? Phone record shows w's sis calling same time frame as om. Nothing between om and w since then.
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#164 · (Edited)
You have to see the NC letter from OM to her first, Ask the OM's wife to keep you in the loop and copy you in on any communication , she can tell the OM you two are talking but not divulge the content.


There are sample letters on the affaircare site, they must not water this down. As for NC he can never ever see her again. no matter how close a family friend he may be.

http://www.affaircare.com/Articles/SampleNoContact.htm
 
#165 ·
I feel you've done everything you could and more to defuse this, and she still won't play ball. I'm relieved to see you contacted the OMs wife and exposed her and him.
 
#166 ·
Thanks F 102 It is still frustrating. I wish my W would clearly express herself and i wonder if it is guilt or or is it lies. She came clean out of guilt. I don't know. OM supposedly shut her down again sunday, and her behavior has been very negative since then so i wonder If we are in a restart of a "fog" and I wonder what I can tolerate. I know where my heart is. I just don't know how long it will stay there. If I discover they continue contact I think that will really shut me down. They say time heals all. I don't know about that. I still remember a heartbreak from 20 years ago so how can she get over this and come back to the marriage.
I really don't want my kids to feel the heartache but I think she is ready to move out. I suppose actions will speak louder than words.
 
#167 ·
I understand my wife must look within in order to solve her issues.
There is NOTHING I can control to make this happen.
It is her journey, and I am on my own journey.
I am beginning to accept more that she has to figure this out for herself. i just wish she would allow some outside influene like these forums she will not read or listen to anything along these lines. She is finally talking to some of her family. I am not sure if that is helpful or hurtful.
I am working to detatch it is so hard I am going to ask my IC for help. Does the DB LRT work if she is in the house? As mentioned Supposedly the A is over, I am still observing. She still feels the need to seperate. Instead of arguing when she last brought it up my final statement was You need to do what you need to do I cannot change how you feel, but you know how I feel.
Yesterday went well no arguing she did get defensive over the kids going someplae without her next weekend. I still believe she is waiting for me to do something very mean.
 
#169 ·
I am being very cautious. And warning OM spouse as well she just wants to believe every word he says. She has yet to goto MB forum. I told her not to push no contact letter. Because he should be willingly on board and mentioned them possibly hiding the A deeper if it was not truly over. I remain in a hypervigilant state and trying to detatch. I still feel actions speak louder than words. I have seen no phone contact since sunday does i mean anything??if her Arrival and departure times get really off then I will not think so little of it this time as well as any and all other strange and changing behaviors. The only thing I cannot watch is email she does it from her phone. (I could contact her sibling she has been speaking with but i said I would leave that trust alone. The only one she talks with. Everybody needs someone.)
OM spouse says he agrees to what she has written for NC letter so far but disagrees on signing it. He feels he needs no advice and does not believe signing a letter is needed because he has told my W more than once it is done. That make me suspicious.
The onset of the holidays and the kids may be begining to effect her we'll see.

Doing the best I can for my kids right now, that helps me.
 
#170 ·
My two cents worth.

It is very rare that the affair closes down so quickly. my guess is they are in a limited contact period and will pick up again.

You must have another chat to the OM's wife, she will lose her husband and she must stop being foolish and to proud to ask for help. No one is going to chastise her, everyone will do what they can to help her.

If her husband does not want to sign the NC this is a huge red flag for her, he is not committing to save the marriage. She can read the stories on the MB site and see for herself.

For your own marriage it will help immensely if she does go onto the other site and follows the processes, both marriages then stand a chance to survive.

I do caution you, your approach is not founded, you may think you are unique and you are on the right path, do not be surprised if this goes her way.

I hope this works out for you. Please do be careful. The exposure/disclosure route even of it is to your family and hers is a proven method.

Best wishes.
 
#171 ·
My two cents worth.

I do caution you, your approach is not founded, you may think you are unique and you are on the right path, do not be surprised if this goes her way.

Best wishes.
I am trying to get her onto that site. I am trying to make her realize the things that are said here. I have told her that him not wanting to sign is not a good thing. I will encourage again. If my W were to receive this letter I think it would have a powerful effect.

As far as the above do you mean I should not be surprised if it goes my W's way?

It is confusing to me also of this method vs LRT on DB and not exposing.

My goal at this moment is to watch for more contact and get OM spouse to get on board with MB and NC letter. OM is being alot more transparent with his spouse right now than my W. This may all be a show. That is why I remain suspicious. A month until Christmas I will scrutinize for that time frame. I will have a D Day of my own to friends and family If I must after that. Her sibling may know the real truth I would address her first. My W gets mad at answering the repetetive question of is it over which is a red flag to me. She may have newly developed acting skills but in the past she did not put on a good show. The last conversation about the A was pretty convincing it was over. I am on guard. Right now I don't have solid proof that it is ongoing.

Thanks
 
#173 ·
Thanks for the encouragement, I have been at wits end. And I had a thought as painful as this is if do u allow this terrible time frame define the whole history of the relationship. I think that would be as foolish as believing every word the disloyal says.
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