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Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls

48K views 246 replies 17 participants last post by  disbelief 
#1 ·
My W had an EA/PA she took this week for space.OM is staying with his family. we have 5 kids. She finally admitted she feels leaving is the only option will Divorce busting and 7 steps even work at this point. It wil be a couple of months before she leaves the house. Help please.
 
#237 ·
I know it's hard but try to just wait until she is ready to talk to you. Others will say differently. Confronting will only cause her to withdraw further. Until she is ready to start communication there is nothing you can do other than resist moving out by stalling, keep up your vigilance - add a keyboard logger just in case she gets lazy and uses the home computer. If you can get ahold of her phone for a time when she can't detect you, put a phone spy software on it. Make damn sure she won't catch you.
 
#238 ·
If the OM has truly started NC, she is mourning over the loss. In any case the fog continues and she is probably still thinking you are better off without her out of shame and guilt which she doesn't want to admit or discuss. Keep working on you and changing anything you can that you know bothers her. Did you try giving her the lovebusters questionaire?
 
#239 ·
Thanks 8 Phone spy wares not an option unless I can send it remotely and she truly is not using the pc. I keep checking NC with OM spouse but I don't think she is as suspicious as I am. I was reminded yesterday by a respected colleague to just take it slow and likely I will make the rt decision. I am at the point of wanting to just flip the switch and fix it. I know wont happen.
As far as the love busters. No she is not open to anything like that yet. She thinks that no book no website can help. I need a new approach from the MC. I think we need some time of everyday conversation first. She started normal talk this AM I was confused. I told a friend I would do this for a year to give it my all. But she is stomping on my heart. She still has not taken the next step on the property she wanted to purchase or seperation agreement. If I want to save this I am a rock ......righ????
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#240 ·
Stick to it if you really want to save M. It takes time for the fog to burn off. My MC told wife she had to reveal if she wanted to work things out. It's obvious you wife hasn't gotten to that point yet and I completely understand your frustration and wanting to get it done or over. My wife said some terrible things that really hurt before she started to come out of it. She regrets it all now. Don't pressure the OM's wife or she might shut down on you.

Discretion is the better part of valor. Stick to it and wait. Use your active listening skillls - mirror or paraphrase what she says - -don't comment or try to move ahead in the conversation.
 
#241 ·
I am beginning to feel numb about it possibly due to th MD'S assistance. My goal is to get through xmass then see what kind of changes happen or I make happen. I was reminded this week that I have a large group of friends I can call on for support. I was reminded twice I was a nice guy and don't deserve this. She was angry because she missed out on a kid event yesterday. She was all nice this morning. Rollercoasters cause pain. Thanks again for your support. I am having a negative day on this subject.
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#242 ·
Agree with 8 yrs., perhaps the A truly is over, and she is in mourning stage, and she is feeling towrds you like "Now he's gone, I hope you're happy, you a**hole!" It will take time, and the counseling will take time, too. I would seriously allow her the seperation, but don't D yet, there may be hope, still. She may very well be the type who doesn't know what she's got until it's gone.

Until then, work on you, be the best father and man you can be.
 
#243 ·
Perhaps it is so, she is very angry and said herself she doesn't know why. I probably sound like I pursue but I don't I vent alot here. I am letting her lead. It seems to be more productive. She went and got papers today from the courrhouse so she could buy her place but she still wont say D. I guess we shall see when I get those papers. She's in a very happy mood rt now, drink? Meds? I don't know wasn't home for a couple hours.
She still only sees ending it as the fix I tried to suggest seperate and she needs to move out fine but why rush the D. She ended up crying all I can do is wait and see. Take care of me and kids. Hope its the fog darn emotions still love her.
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#244 ·
A ray of hope for you disbelief - once my wife started to realize the impact of her decisions - i.e. the kids, financials, custody, etc. she began to see things differently. Contact your lawyer and find out what abandonment means in terms of custody in your state, same for the affair in terms of seperation of assests and child support since you said you wife is the major bread winner. It may be a real eye opener if she finds out that 70% of her income goes to the kids support, alimony, child care, etc. Again, do not agree to seperation. Ask the lawyer if this makes any difference in abandonment. In MI it doesn't. In some states it is very punitive.

The ray of hope is that once she starts to think about coming back to you, you will notice an almost 180 in her behaviour. Keep holdng on. Your doing very well.
 
#245 ·
She basically asked or we kinda discussed a seperation today she wants it for a mortgage she has yet tgo actually say she wants this relationship to end I started a new thread to shorten. It up. I will do some reading before we sign anything and get another consult thanks.
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#246 ·
Well I posted this on my other thread too but for the first time since OM said NC he broke it he called my W yesterday. 13 min. Will contact OM spouse but what else to do with that?
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