Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls
My W had an EA/PA she took this week for space.OM is staying with his family. we have 5 kids. She finally admitted she feels leaving is the only option will Divorce busting and 7 steps even work at this point. It wil be a couple of months before she leaves the house. Help please.
Re: Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls
A couple of months? You have more than enough time. Yes, Divorce Busting, Marriage Builder and 7 steps can work, and similar processes can work There are few guarantees in life, but you have a lot of time. Calm down, slow down, take it easy, and work through life one step at a time...
A couple of months? You have more than enough time. Yes, Divorce Busting, Marriage Builder and 7 steps can work, and similar processes can work There are few guarantees in life, but you have a lot of time. Calm down, slow down, take it easy, and work through life one step at a time...
She also made reference that there would not be any second chances and what's the point of a seperation. She still gets upset at the final divorce word but not as much as before. She doesn't want to give me false hope so It will be hard to tell if anything I do has a real effect since she intends to maintain a posotive attitude either way. I'm calm feeling more pain and sadness for my kids when it hits. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls
Quote:
She also made reference that there would not be any second chances and what's the point of a seperation. She still gets upset at the final divorce word but not as much as before. She doesn't want to give me false hope so It will be hard to tell if anything I do has a real effect since she intends to maintain a posotive attitude either way. I'm calm feeling more pain and sadness for my kids when it hits.
Every one of her referenced statements above follow the standard script, this is fog talk. Even if the affair has truly ended (and there is no evidence that it has), there is a time after the affair where the cheating spouse goes through a form of withdrawal; the fog lifts slowly. In that time, there is a great deal of doubt as to how to proceed.
If nothing else, pride is a huge factor: the wandering spouse has to overcome a lot of pride and begin admitting that their actions were wrong, regardless of the reasons. That can be very difficult to overcome.
But there is also strong doubt as to whether the marriage is worth working on. The affair happened for a reason - it is a SYMPTOM, and not the cause of the troubles in the marriage. It is the wrong solution, an immoral choice, but this does not negate the fact that there was something missing in the first place: something that made the choice of infidelity seem to be valid.
One of the troubles loyal spouses have in working on their marriage is the fact that they work with the idea that the reason they go about improving their own lives is in order to get their spouse back, as it that is the goal. In reality, that is an ideal solution, the goal is to create a life in which any issues the loyal spouse had which contributed to the problems in the marriage are overcome.
So instead of looking for positive responses in your spouse, and allowing those actions to determine your next move - be proactive. Act! Look to change your own life, regardless of her reactions. As long as you are doing what is right, if she does not respond, this is because she, by inference, does not approve of doing what is right.
Instead of trying to manipulate your spouse by acting in various ways in order to 'convince' (trick, maneuver, entrap) them into coming back to the marriage - change YOU, and let them see, over time, that what you have to offer is preferable. Allow them the time to make that choice. As long as you are honest, trustworthy, loving, and strong, the fact that they may reject you, or walk away - becomes their loss.
Every one of her referenced statements above follow the standard script, this is fog talk. Even if the affair has truly ended (and there is no evidence that it has), there is a time after the affair where the cheating spouse goes through a form of withdrawal; the fog lifts slowly. In that time, there is a great deal of doubt as to how to proceed.
If nothing else, pride is a huge factor: the wandering spouse has to overcome a lot of pride and begin admitting that their actions were wrong, regardless of the reasons. That can be very difficult to overcome.
But there is also strong doubt as to whether the marriage is worth working on. The affair happened for a reason - it is a SYMPTOM, and not the cause of the troubles in the marriage. It is the wrong solution, an immoral choice, but this does not negate the fact that there was something missing in the first place: something that made the choice of infidelity seem to be valid.
One of the troubles loyal spouses have in working on their marriage is the fact that they work with the idea that the reason they go about improving their own lives is in order to get their spouse back, as it that is the goal. In reality, that is an ideal solution, the goal is to create a life in which any issues the loyal spouse had which contributed to the problems in the marriage are overcome.
So instead of looking for positive responses in your spouse, and allowing those actions to determine your next move - be proactive. Act! Look to change your own life, regardless of her reactions. As long as you are doing what is right, if she does not respond, this is because she, by inference, does not approve of doing what is right.
Instead of trying to manipulate your spouse by acting in various ways in order to 'convince' (trick, maneuver, entrap) them into coming back to the marriage - change YOU, and let them see, over time, that what you have to offer is preferable. Allow them the time to make that choice. As long as you are honest, trustworthy, loving, and strong, the fact that they may reject you, or walk away - becomes their loss.
She was more cordial before her 5 days of space this week she says she figure out budgets contacted real estate agents she says its the only option I disagree. I am willing to try she was still somewhat upset when divorce was stated as a sorta fine that's it. She actually grabbed some responsibility by saying this is my situation I created it that hasn't happened until today. She stated she wants to be able to go out and me not ask where she went and have normal afterwork type conversations. I mentally went from first to fifth gear and am done askin anything as hard as it maybe .......see IC this week. I will give this my best. Still looking for input. Posted via Mobile Device
She was more cordial before her 5 days of space this week she says she figure out budgets contacted real estate agents she says its the only option I disagree. I am willing to try she was still somewhat upset when divorce was stated as a sorta fine that's it. She actually grabbed some responsibility by saying this is my situation I created it that hasn't happened until today. She stated she wants to be able to go out and me not ask where she went and have normal afterwork type conversations. I mentally went from first to fifth gear and am done askin anything as hard as it maybe .......see IC this week. I will give this my best. Still looking for input. Posted via Mobile Device
Im in similar shoes and know all too well the feelings. I'm struggling less and less with the idea of divorce but some days are still tough. I've committed to making changes in my life and will continue to do so, so be encouraged in knowing that youre not by yourself. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls
Also this week OM made closure phone call confirmed by OM spouse my W doesn't want to talk about it again she is acting angry and resentful again. She says she wants all this seperation do I wait on her to take action and see if she really wants that? What's the best way to handle this? Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls
Also I know full well not to trust her right now but her behavior is that of an alien not the person I have know for over 20 years. I figure she is either done or just wants to see if I will even possibly be able to go a week without R talk. She wants to avoid it! This will be hard but I am going to doubly back off again and try to be tje supportive person I am wondering if that is what she needs her personality always needed that. She alway kept things in and avoided conflict. Do I observe and report to myself to determine my next steps? Work on R vs seek a D lawyer. She is expecting me to do something far outside my character in a negative sense regarding house kids etc. Because she says u never know what someone will do when they r mad. Let's see how today goes no plans everyones together. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls
She wants to "set you off" so that you will do something that you will regret later, and she can use that against you in court to get a better settlement. I've heard of D lawyers telling the wife to get in her STBX's face and provoke him into pushing her, then she could the cops and have him hauled out for abuse, just the thing to have the judge see! Look up dirty divorce tricks online, one of them is a "trial seperation", not a legal one with paperwork, and then the judge took that as "willfull abandonment", and punished the H accordingly.
It is my opinion that she knows that she is in the wrong, and she's desperately trying to make you look like the bad guy.
Incidentally, if my wife started acting the way you described, I'd let her go.
Re: Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls
I am approaching letting go was holding onto hope for the kids thanks know her well enough to know her body language she answered an honest no. When I asked if she has spoken to a lawyer. She's using her cell for everytthing it will show up. Thank God for the blue skies and beautiful day today!!!!! Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls
If you do decide to let her go, let her make all the decisions, and don't agree with her that maybe seperation/divorce is a good idea, that can be used against you too-many judges will make their decisions based on who initiated the divorce, and if they think that YOU initiated it, you will lose everything.
Re: Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls
Keep the point of views coming I don't want to get tunnel vision. You may be rt I don't know we are in counseling and have been addressing underlying issues. I think my time frame for progress is through the holidays more detatching for me if she is serious about finding a place that's time enough and then the kids won't have my mom move out on christmas. I will remain vigilant. Thanks. 20 Plus yrs friends 15 yrs as a couple one big screw up on her part I would be asking for the second chance.
another note to the scenario is I have told her if you need to go then go still no firm action and I believe she has squirreled away enough funds for a short term get out Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls
Well just messes up she broughg out a budget it got emotional she's done doesn't see a reason to try to even work it and pretend around the kids she started mentioning things from 8 years ago and I lost it and said fine if you are that done go now so she is not going to stay here tonight maybe not again. Posted via Mobile Device
Wife decided after ea/pa divorce seperation is the only way help save this pls 
