For reference only:
When your Disloyal Spouse (DS) has had an affair and told you they want to work on the marriage, then turned around and taken their affair deeper undercover--often the Loyal Spouse (LS) will say "I don't trust them! How do I rebuild trust?"
Actually it's not that you don't trust your DS. You do. You 100% trust them to lie. Your DS has proven, more than once, that they're willing to look you in the eye and lie so they can continue their affair, so you completely and fully trust the DS's ability to deceive you. Thus don't be fooled--it's not a trust issue. It is an HONESTY issue.
To fix an HONESTY issue, the way to proceed is fairly easy. You tell your DS right up front that you don't have a trust issue--you have an issue with their HONESTY. In order to rebuild trust in their honesty, the DS would have to behave in an open, honest, transparent way. He/she would have to demonstrate to you that he/she is being honest--show you that their words (promises) and actions are matching. Makes sense, right? If the DS promises you that they'll end all contact, it is THEIR JOB to show you that they really have ended contact or give you the access so you can confirm it for yourself....
Here's the minimum that we usually recommend: 1) Write a No Contact Letter to the Other Person (OP).
The no contact letter is written by the DS to the OP and indicates that they can NEVER, EVER contact each other again in any way...including seeing each other. Here are some Sample No Contact Letters
. If your DS works with the OP, he/she may need to quit their job or ask for a transfer, or may need to ask their employer for a shift that does not coincide with the OP. Most/many Disloyals balk at this or say "Are you crazy? I can't quit my job now!" but marriages can survive periods of unemployment or under-employment; they CAN NOT survive an active affair!!
Once this letter is written by the Disloyal, they give it to their LS to mail. YOU mail it so you can see what was said and that it was not just another love letter--and you add a little note at the bottom that says that you love your spouse and do intend to fight for your marriage. It is also conceivable that you'd send a copy of this letter to the OP's spouse so they are informed of the affair and can protect themselves and their marriage on their end. 2) Transparency.
This usually means sharing passwords for email accounts, allowing access to cell phones, letting each other on accounts like Facebook or MySpace, and showing each other every bill (like the cell phone numbers called..). The LS also shares these things too, so that BOTH spouses are learning to be "see through" and let their spouse see the REAL YOU--not that image you've been showing. Be open and honest enough that you share access and also share your thoughts and feelings *with each other* (not with others). Your DS has already demonstrated willingness to hide, cover up and lie--so now in order to rebuild that your DS is going to have to demonstrate (via ACTIONS not words) that they are able to be open, transparent and honest. My suggestion would be to assume they are lying until your DS shows you through consist ACTIONS that they are able to be honest. 3) Commit to doing the work
. This part is actually where a lot of marriages fall apart. The DS will end contact and they might even act "honest" but when it comes to facing their own personal issues and actually doing the work--they won't admit it. Or when it comes to facing their part in harming the marriage and actually doing the work to learn how to do better--they would rather deflect, blame, or avoid than do the work. So the final part that I recommend having in place is some demonstrated willingness to actually commit to doing the personal work and marital work to repair this! And again, words don't cut it because they are empty promises--only ACTIONS will indicate willingness to really do the work
If you see all three of those things, chances are good there honestly is a change and you two can recover.