Does it get easier? My wife has been wonderful all things considered but I still feel guilty and sad. It's only been a week since I confessed. I am beating myself up much more than my wife. I wonder if the sadness will go away.
Maybe if you could give more info and talk more about it in your post people who are facing the same issue might be able to relate to your problem dont worry about how long just get all the details in.
Speaking from the other end...being the wife that was cheated on...I think it's important for you to be thinking of her feelings right now. It's good that you are sorry and upset about what you have done, and that's a really great sign. But I think that being as supportive and comforting and loving as possible will help her deal with the situation. When she is at a place where she is starting to feel a little better, then I think that will come for you too.
Thanks for the advice. Do any of you suggest the offender confront the other woman (TOW)? I have debated whether to let sleeping dogs lie or to let them know that my spouse and I are together and working through things. That what happened was wrong, etc. I wouldn't consider it if TOW wasn't still trying to make contact with me. My spouse supports me doing this if it is helpful to me in putting this in the past. TOW is convinced that I should be with them......mistakenly I must say. They took my cutting contact very hard and I think are emotionally unstable.
Having been on your wife's end, I think if she is supportive of this idea then confront TOW. I'm sure your wife would like her to stop trying to contact you as well. I think it would be better to do by mail/email so you can say what you need to w/o her trying to talk you out of it, etc. or asking for one last hug, etc. If it needs to be in person, be aware of her emotional state and what you may be up against so you don't react to her out of guilt, etc. Your wife should be in the loop on whatever happens here so if you confront her act as though your wife is standing there too and the right words will come.
Hearing it was wrong might not mean much to her because she isn't there. Hearing you love your wife and made a big mistake by taking issues outside of your marriage rather than working within the marriage to make it stronger might make her realize you are over her and committed to repairing your marriage. It might give her the closure she needs to back off.
Having been on your wife's end, I think if she is supportive of this idea then confront TOW. I'm sure your wife would like her to stop trying to contact you as well. I think it would be better to do by mail/email so you can say what you need to w/o her trying to talk you out of it, etc. or asking for one last hug, etc. If it needs to be in person, be aware of her emotional state and what you may be up against so you don't react to her out of guilt, etc. Your wife should be in the loop on whatever happens here so if you confront her act as though your wife is standing there too and the right words will come.
Hearing it was wrong might not mean much to her because she isn't there. Hearing you love your wife and made a big mistake by taking issues outside of your marriage rather than working within the marriage to make it stronger might make her realize you are over her and committed to repairing your marriage. It might give her the closure she needs to back off.
If you write a letter or email, let your wife read it first. I've been in your shoes. Although I don't think I should be eternally punished, I think the shame, hurt, and remorse does me good. It's a reminder of my stupidity and a means of keeping me in check. It is hard. There were times when I wanted to commit suicide because I hated myself so much but then I thought about how I'd hurt everyone else even more. I do think it's important to put your spouse's feelings ahead of your own. Then again, I think that's important even in a healthy marriage. If we all did that, we'd have virtually no marital problems! Furthermore, although this other woman may seem a little emotionally unstable right now, she's no longer any of your concern. I thought about that some too at the beginning. Then I came to my senses and realized what a detriment he had been to my marriage. Now I just see him for the huge jerk he is. Put your wife on a pedastal right now. After all, our selfishness is what got us in this predicament in the first place. It's not that I don't understand how you're feeling. I've been there. You feel like crap and you don't feel like you deserve to be loved. If your wife is willing to forgive and love you, it may just bring you closer. My husband and I have had some difficult times in the last four months but it has brought us closer than we've ever been. He's my best friend in the world. I guess we've kinda compared it to having a near death experience. We nearly lost each other, so now we make it a point to appreciate every moment. Look toward the future and take joy in doing many wonderful, loving things for your wife. Light candles, give her a massage, cook for her. Make her feel like a queen without pressuring her to love you back. Respect her boundaries and know that there will be times when you think everything is finally getting better and she'll have a bad day. It will discourage you, but it's just a moment in time. You'll have those times, but if you learn to expect them and roll with it, it will be okay. Good luck to you both. I'll keep you in my prayers.
mommy22.....THANK YOU. That is wonderful advice especially since you pretty much hit on everything that I have been feeling and have been through.
On the same token, do you recommend writing a letter or just ignoring? I asked for no contact nearly a year ago but still get periodic emails that whether meant to or not just serve to make me feel more guilty.
Last edited by happless; 08-14-2008 at 05:32 PM.
Reason: added question
mommy22.....THANK YOU. That is wonderful advice especially since you pretty much hit on everything that I have been feeling and have been through.
On the same token, do you recommend writing a letter or just ignoring? I asked for no contact nearly a year ago but still get periodic emails that whether meant to or not just serve to make me feel more guilty.
As I said in my pm to you, cut her off. Ignoring won't work. She's trying to wear you down by making you feel sorry for her.
I'm glad I could help some. At least I feel that I can make some good from a bad situation by trying to help others. You're a good guy who made a bad mistake. We just have to choose to learn from our mistakes.
For those who confessed
If you write a letter or email, let your wife read it first. I've been in your shoes. Although I don't think I should be eternally punished, I think the shame, hurt, and remorse does me good. It's a reminder of my stupidity and a means of keeping me in check. It is hard. There were times when I wanted to commit suicide because I hated myself so much but then I thought about how I'd hurt everyone else even more. I do think it's important to put your spouse's feelings ahead of your own. Then again, I think that's important even in a healthy marriage. If we all did that, we'd have virtually no marital problems! Furthermore, although this other woman may seem a little emotionally unstable right now, she's no longer any of your concern. I thought about that some too at the beginning. Then I came to my senses and realized what a detriment he had been to my marriage. Now I just see him for the huge jerk he is. Put your wife on a pedastal right now. After all, our selfishness is what got us in this predicament in the first place. It's not that I don't understand how you're feeling. I've been there. You feel like crap and you don't feel like you deserve to be loved. If your wife is willing to forgive and love you, it may just bring you closer. My husband and I have had some difficult times in the last four months but it has brought us closer than we've ever been. He's my best friend in the world. I guess we've kinda compared it to having a near death experience. We nearly lost each other, so now we make it a point to appreciate every moment. Look toward the future and take joy in doing many wonderful, loving things for your wife. Light candles, give her a massage, cook for her. Make her feel like a queen without pressuring her to love you back. Respect her boundaries and know that there will be times when you think everything is finally getting better and she'll have a bad day. It will discourage you, but it's just a moment in time. You'll have those times, but if you learn to expect them and roll with it, it will be okay. Good luck to you both. I'll keep you in my prayers.
