pregnant wife's affair
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-18-2010, 07:43 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default pregnant wife's affair

The following event happened 20+ years ago ~ Nine years into our marriage and a few weeks prior to giving birth, my wife who was in her late 20's had an evening 'date' with someone who she barely knew. She said she was going out with some female friends and this would be her last opportunity to do so before having the baby. A couple of weeks after the birth and following a number of phone calls made to the house when I was at work (which I learned about later), to further woo her, she met-up again with her new male friend and they had a night of passion and unprotected sex. Several months later (on a Sunday evening, I remember like it was yesterday) in a sudden guilt attack she unloaded her bombshell. She pretty much insisted that her affair was all my fault... "as she had felt unhappy with me for some time". I honestly didn't think our marriage was in any problems. Personally I was too busy looking forward to the new baby, keeping my job and paying the bills. Whatever, I accepted her views (as her betrayal was done and I didn't want to inflict any unnecessary pain on her or on our young family). So after much heartache I/we carried on with our lives in wedded bliss! She insisted (as she still does) that this was her only sexual indiscretion in our marriage. I also forgave her because I loved her to bits, as I still do and she tells me likewise - but the problem is - every couple or more years (in the same months the affair took place) and without warning a dark cloud descends where my mind gets embroiled with the same painful memories and great anguish to that which I suffered when she told me about her affair. When under its spell I have an urgent need to revisit and mull over every part of her story. After a few days (sometimes weeks) I manage to snap myself out of it, but not before I’ve drowned myself in a lot of pain and negative thoughts. What's troubled me most is my wife blaming me for her affair and made to feel the guilty party. Alas still after all these years she still has problems telling me what happened by answering "my annoying questions". She tells me 'in her mind it was a stupid mistake' whereas in my mind the affair was an unmitigated disaster and her 'deception still continues to this day'. Also I can't help but think that our family and friends know what went on but they are keeping the lid on it! I have no evidence of this but this constantly racks my mind, as such these past years I have gradually distanced myself from everyone except my wife and children. With the passing years - and we aren't getting any younger - I look back and think that I must have been a doormat and a bloody fool for putting up with her cruel actions. That said, it would have been very wrong and callas of me if I had decided to throw the towel in and left my wife and young family in the circumstances that I have described.

I'm a proud person and have never sought counselling. I also have never confided in anyone (other than my wife of course). Can any of you relate to my situation? Will these thoughts ever go away?
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Old 11-18-2010, 09:28 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: pregnant wife's affair

I was hoping your post create some comfort indicating that you have moved on and your marriage is on solid grounds. That you don't look back and the incident is an old news.

I discovered my W's EA four months ago. The dark thoughts (despite several therapist and lots of reading on TAM) are still there. I also try to find a reason for the EA. You may have (as I think I did) contributed to the events leading to the affair, but we are not the only reason. It's not important anymore (as we will never find out) why it happened. What's important is that we put the thoughts behind because if we don't several more months / years will pass in agony. It's for our own sake to forgive and forget (as much cliche as it might sound). Forgive completely not a forgiveness on a re-payment plan or conditional.

with best regards,
M.
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Old 11-18-2010, 11:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Dear MOEMAN, in my case 2 decades on my take on infidelity is:

You can't prevent those around you from breaking the rules.

Forgiveness is not a right but can be applied for, earned and given AND received.

The spouse who commits adultery thinks little about the impact upon 'those around them and the ones they love'.

There are few private personal choices which don't impact others.

People make mistakes, however some are genuine while others are deliberate, devilish and contrived.

A deceitful action can be unintentional while another can be designed and if badly thought through cause catastrophe for all 'involved'. Even those not yet born!

There are small white everyday lies, which may serve as a crutch While conversely there are some - that without forethought - will destroy the foundation of one's family life and deprive it of real happiness.

The impact of an affair can be short lived - that's if the couple aren't in love - whereas for the innocent loving spouse the fall-out can carry life long pain and irreconcilable consequences.

One's own thoughts about grieving over "personal events", irrespective of why, how and when they took place stays in the mind and we are programmed not to forget. They are there to serve as a reminder! As such - like a filing cabinet AND piano keyboard - one has to painstakingly learn how to manage and play them.
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Old 11-18-2010, 11:45 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: pregnant wife's affair...

Dear MOEMAN, in my case 2 decades on my take on infidelity is:

You can't prevent those around you from breaking the rules.

Forgiveness is not a right but can be applied for, earned and given AND received.

The spouse who commits adultery thinks little about the impact upon 'those around them and the ones they love'.

There are few private personal choices which don't impact others.

People make mistakes, however some are genuine while others are deliberate, devilish and contrived.

A deceitful action can be unintentional while another can be designed and if badly thought through cause catastrophe for all 'involved'. Even those not yet born!

There are small white everyday lies, which may serve as a crutch While conversely there are some - that without forethought - will destroy the foundation of one's family life and deprive it of real happiness.

The impact of an affair can be short lived - that's if the couple aren't in love - whereas for the innocent loving spouse the fallout can carry life long pain and irreconcilable consequences.

One's own thoughts about grieving over "personal events", irrespective of why, how and when they took place stays in the mind and we are programmed not to forget. They are there to serve as a reminder! As such - like a filing cabinet AND piano keyboard - one has to painstakingly learn how to manage and play them.
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Old 11-18-2010, 12:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: pregnant wife's affair

Every point that you made has crossed my mind also. It's going to be difficult for those of us who think this way to let go. Yes, my W made a deliberate choice for her EA even after I confronted her with it. They don't know how much hurt it has caused. Maybe as another member said, they think it's some harmless fun. Nevertheless, the fifty pound weight is on our back. We can lift it off if we choose to as difficult as it maybe.

best wishes,
M.
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Old 11-19-2010, 06:03 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: pregnant wife's affair

You know the reason you haven't healed. There was no contrition. The affair was your fault in her eyes. I can tell by the way you paint your wife, that your wife still hasn't accepted the blame. Remember to her it was a mistake. Like adding two cups of water to the instant jello instead of one. But your part in this has been a disaster to her. So naturally you are to blame for dredging up the fact that she added an extra cup of water to the jello all those years ago.
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Old 11-19-2010, 06:58 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: pregnant wife's affair

What you have Stonehenge is called PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

PTSD comes about when the emotions, thoughts and feelings caused by the event haven’t been resolved FOUR WEEKS after the event that caused the trauma.

And you’ve been living with that for 20+ years.

I’m in a similar boat. I’m out of my long term marriage due to my wife’s total inability to talk through our past problems in an adult to adult manner. What I think of as a “mature way”.

Every time my wife brought something up from the past and threw it at me I had to go right the way through my forgiveness process of the times she’d offended me, way back over 30 or so years. All the stuff I’d forgiven and forgotten. Last time round I ended up a nervous wreck.

I decided I was no longer going to live with unresolved baggage, on both sides, in my marriage. I think at times in long term marriages there should be a “let’s clear the baggage out” process. I knew and accepted my wife would never do it so I’m out. No way was I going to be an old man of 70 or 80 with that baggage still sitting there, for the most part silently, just waiting to come out yet again. I think you know what I mean.

For your marriage to be a healthy and happy one you need to “cleanse the past” and you need your wife’s active participation in this. Otherwise bitterness and resentment will eventually cripple your marriage like it did mine.

Bob
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