I have to confess that the last few pages of this thread kind of blurred together for me. There are some very black and white definitions being thrown around, and this is probably because people are filtering through their own experiences. An argument where people are using different definitions is never going to be resolved.
First, interpretation of marriage vows. We vow fidelity. We also vow for it to be for better or for worse.
- To some, fidelity means "I will not have sex with other people." Having sex with the spouse is not automatically included. A sexless marriage is not breaking vows to someone who interprets it this way.
- To others, fidelity means "I will only have sex with you." Here, sex with the spouse is more of an expectation.
The vow that the marriage continue for better or for worse, means that the marriage will continue even if it becomes sexless, for whatever reason. Someone who chooses to cheat has broken the marriage vow, for either interpretation of fidelity.
Next, a sexless marriage. This can happen for a number of reasons. People seem to be fixating on the one scenario where one spouse is deliberately denying sex to the other.
- People may have mismatched libidos or develop them over time, and sex may be less frequent than one partner desires, including zero. It isn't done to be knowingly hurtful, and presumably the higher libido partner is being respectful about not forcing sex to occur.
- Spouses may prioritize sex differently, with the end result that sex disappears because other priorities interfere.
- One spouse may have a medical issue that precludes sex. This medical issue may be temporary/curable or it may not be.
- One spouse may have a perfectly normal libido, but may be abusing their partner by refusing to engage in sex as a form of causing pain.
If you believe in the first version of fidelity, none of these is breaking the marriage vow. If you believe in the second version of fidelity, then only the last version of sexless is breaking the marriage vow.
And the last thing I want to say is just because one party to a contract clearly breaks it, does not mean the other party can also behave however they want. There are usually clauses built in (the next pickles will not be delivered if there remains an outstanding bill for the previous pickles) for those situations in business contracts. And either party can choose to use legal means to end the contract prior to its previously determined duration, usually done with cause (there is still an unpaid pickle bill!). However, the marriage contract doesn't stand up to legal interpretation very well, hence the huge industry that is divorce law.
One partner causing the marriage to be sexless does not automatically break the vague contract. One party cheating does - the contract is not vague on that.
All this still boils down to communication thought. Do both spouses have, and maintain, the same definition of fidelity? Do both spouses communicate respectfully with each other about their sexual needs and how to prioritize them? Do both spouses understand that the marriage may be sexless despite the desires of both? To both spouses still have respect for one another? If respect is still there, cheating is unlikely. A request for divorce due to the intolerability of being sexually unfulfilled is done with respect, and is less painful than a cheater going outside the marriage and not asking for a divorce.
To make it more personal...
When my ex and I started having sex, it was a long distance relationship and we only saw each other on weekends. We had sex four or five times each weekend. One of us thought "Awesome, we have sex almost twice a day! This relationship is going to work great!" while the other thought "We have sex four or five times a week, this is just perfect!"
Time moves along, and marriage, careers and children become involved, which we all know have a way of reducing frequency of sex, no matter what the parents want. There was also a medical issue for one of us and the doctor contraindicated sex for a time. The other spouse cheated to solve their lack of sex. By the time the medical issue was resolved, the affair was habit and the marriage stayed sexless. The other spouse was told there was a new medical issue, and stayed faithful despite the continued lack of sex. When the affair was discovered and the marriage went kaboom, the cheater justified their actions by complaining that the other spouse had deceived them with the sex twice a day introduction and had withheld adequate sex ever since they moved in together, and especially after having the children.
So, was the marriage sexless? Was there infidelity? Where was the abuse? Who broke the marriage vows? When did the cheating spouse stop respecting the faithful spouse?