My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for nearly 11, we have been together since we were 18 & 19 so have basically grown up together. We even attended the same High School and he dated many of my friends then (before us). We have a 6 yr old, are building our first home and just at the start of building our lives the way we want.
We recently had our high school reunion and hung out with one of my old friends who happens to be his ex-gf. She came over to our house after and stayed the night along with a few other people. Nothing happened whatsoever to my knowledge but here is my quandry;
We both have MySpace accounts and had the same password. I accidentally (you know how the quick insert is on Windows) got his email address in the log in and put in my password as usual. It said it was wrong so I went back and realized it was his email I was trying to use. I thought that weird that he would feel the need to change his password when we have such an "open" relationship. Needless to say (BAD ME!) I figured out his new password and see that he has been emailing this friend/ex at 4 and 5 in the morning before he leaves for work. He emails his other friends around me on the laptop normally in the evenings. Does anyone find this wrong?
The emails are harmless, just "what you up to?" "Oh, sorry you got dumped" "how's the newjob", basic stuff. But to have him sneaking early in the mornings when I am not awake, isn't that saying something? I'm not an openly jealous sort and even admit when other women are hot, etc.. in front of him, so he doesn't need to ever feel like I would freak out about this and need to hide it. So why is he then?
I know I can't confront him as this would put him in the defensive and also inform him that I have access to his accounts. But what would you do?
I'm not really sure what you should do. The communication at this point seems innocent. However, the fact that he has changed his password and is secretly e-mailing his ex bothers me. My husband started with little things like those. Then those little things grew into bigger things. And now we are separated and heading to divorce. Why is he wanting to begin communicating with another women? Have things gotten dull in your relationship? I'd look at WHY he is doing these things. I just finished reading a great book, The Five Love Languages. Since reading this book, I'm beginning to look at things in a whole new way. I wished I could have read the this book five years ago when my husband's behavior began to change. Things would be much different now. Good luck!
It seems odd to me too that he would be talking to her at a time you aren't around. I would nip it in the bud right away if I were you before it goes any further. She is an EX, and if he wants to talk to her it should be when you are around, not secretively. The important thing to notice is, is he any less responsive to you emotionally or sexually?
Trust your gut reaction. It has served me right as I caught my husband of 26 years together in some kind of emotional envolvement with another.
I would wait until the two of you are having time together and calmly look at him in the eyes and just mention in a non-attacking way you happened to notice he changed his password and ask him why. See what he says...ask if you can have his new one as you both have shared in the past. Start SLOW and just be aware. Wish you the best!
As I mentioned, we are building our own home completely by ourselves which adds a lot of stress to my husband's life as it does mine. I've been told by so many people that if you can stay together through building, you're on pretty solid ground. We are almost finished. Thank the stars! He is very moody, emotionally abusive in a sense that anything I suggest or say, he takes as criticism and calls me names or storms off (often times while our daughter and friends are present). I know it is the stress so I ignore it the best I can but I know if it doesn't end with the completion of the house, then it is something else...
Sexually he is right about the same as always if not more demanding. So I can't think of anything in that area that is hurting, lol. It's just the sneaking around with emails, etc. I don't think I can confront him directly about the changed password as like I said, he is pretty defensive about everything right now due to the house and would get very upset. It's not worth the stress, I don't think. I'm just very hurt by his behavior and wanted to know that I am right in feeling this way and get some suggestions from people who have maybe experienced this type of stuff before.
The additional information is helpful. How long have you been married? As I look back in my 24 year relationship with my husband I can now see HOW our marriage deteriorated. Your husband's behavior, as you described it, tells me more. I was like that at times. Through counseling and reading The Five Love Languages, I understand more about my behavior. Although my husband won't admit it, he had his episodes too. Too make a long story short, those outburst of emotions were the result of far more. My husband wasn't speaking my love language and I wasn't speaking his. Over the years we gradually began to grow apart. I'm sorry to say this, but that's what I see in your posts (very early stage).
As for the house building, I feel for you. I've been there too. We built our "dream house" in 2000. Since I did all the contracting, my husband didn't get that involved in it. However, like everything else, the house is an issue too. He says it has always been "my" house. I've never felt that way though.
I'm just very hurt by his behavior and wanted to know that I am right in feeling this way.
I think you are justified in feeling hurt. But b/c your relationship is so stressful right now I wouldnt confront him directly about this. He hasnt really crossed the line yet, but it sounds like its headed in that direction. I agree with 827Aug. Read the Love Languages and start talking his language. Then later down the road if this is still bothering you, you'll both be in a good place to talk about it.
I had something similar happen. My wife changed the passord to an email account that we both used for mostly spam reasons. I signed up for something I wasn't sure was legit and when I went to check the password was changed. After asking her about it I found out she had opened a facebook account with that address. She never really used the account, and it seems harmless on the surface. However I have had a tough time understanding what it was she was looking for. After telling her about it, she just said well she never used the facebook acount so it shouldn't be a big deal. It does make me wonder still what it is she is looking for outside our marriage that she can't find within.
I think that seeing your husband emailing behind your back is what hurts here, not what was said. Has this affected your level of trust with him?
[quote=I think that seeing your husband emailing behind your back is what hurts here, not what was said. Has this affected your level of trust with him?[/QUOTE]
Oh yes, it has comepletely changed my level of trust in him. A friend of mine suggested I start getting up earlier as he does and just hang out with him. I tried that today. HAHA Sad, I know. But there I was at 5am sitting on the sofa with him and he's just wondering why in the H*** I'm awake. I think sometimes I should do this anyway, getting up when he does for work, even if I don't go into work until much later. This way we see eachother at the beginning of our day and the ending. It also doesn't give him the chance to sneak behind my back.
I emailed this ex of his as she is/was one of my friends also. It's so nice that she has not even responded after 24 hours and has read my email. Makes me worry even more.
I will get this book you are all mentioning. I'm checking Amazon right now.
PS; I didn 't mention anything about my worries to the ex/friend. I just sent her a quick note asking how she was, etc... wanted to see if she mentioned correspondence with my husband.
Oh yes, it has comepletely changed my level of trust in him. A friend of mine suggested I start getting up earlier as he does and just hang out with him. I tried that today. HAHA Sad, I know. But there I was at 5am sitting on the sofa with him and he's just wondering why in the H*** I'm awake. I think sometimes I should do this anyway, getting up when he does for work, even if I don't go into work until much later. This way we see eachother at the beginning of our day and the ending. It also doesn't give him the chance to sneak behind my back.
Thanks so much!
I have done the same thing! She likes to be on the computer after we are all in bed for alone time. When I am feeling really insecure I will get up for some water and take a peek. It's tough when the trust is broken. We are getting better communication in our marriage through weekly talks. If you are interested in hearing about that I would be happy to elaborate. You are going to at some point address this issue. It will not go away by not giving him a chance to do this behind your back.
I will warn you that even though your behavior makes you feel better, it will make the situation worse. Each behavior enhabits another. This is a mistake I have learned. The more you try and push, the more he will pull away and be secretive. I do not think my wife is cheating on me, and try to push those thoughts out of my mind. It doesn't sound as though your hubby is either. You will at some point have to disclose that you looked through his email and what you found. You need to deal with the trust issue.
Yes, I think I need to disclose my findings to him also. I need to do so to make myself feel better. I just feel guilty for looking through his personal life. Although another friend of mine pointed out that he shouldn't have THAT personal of a life when we are married and have a child together. She thinks that even if the emails are innocent enough now, he by hiding the fact that he is emailing her that early in the morning, is in fact wishing something were happening, or that he was able to have a little fing. That is what hurts the most. The hiding does show intent to me.
I will say that taking advice from friends is tough. You are getting a one sided view of the situation. She is not going to tell you that you are wrong. She is going to reinforce your feelings not matter what. That is what friends are for!
He is not cheating that you know of. The emails do not support that he has even thought about it. You may feel as though hiding shows intent, but I don't see it that way. There would be at least a hint of flirting if there was some intent there. Hiding and changing his password broke your trust. You also broke the trust by cracking his new password instead of asking him why he changed it.
I think you should prepare for him to be upset with you for snooping without mentioning it. This is going to be a delicate balance. You have gotten more and more angry but he has no idea what you know or have done. If you go in with what you know, prepare for him to be defensive.
I have not told my wife about things that upset me after looking through her phone or email. I know she isn't cheating on me. Even though some of the things I found should have been disclosed to me, I felt ashamed for snooping. I trust that she wouldn't cheat, and we all deserve some privacy. What level of privacy is still up for debate in our marriage.
I see all your points. All true. I keep getting even more upset about it. I think I should just drop it even though confronting him may make me feel better. I don't know. Maybe I will continue to snoop and just make sure nothing more comes of it? Just make sure he's not steering in the direction of infidelity? If in fact, he does start flirting, etc. then I should confront him? I just hate how this situation has made me feel about myself, like I'm a bad wife, ugly, fat, etc. etc. This ex of his is cute, skinny, single, having the "time of her life", is an actress in a theatre troup (which is something my husband was into himself when younger), I just feel like he may find her more exciting, the type of girl living the type of life he always wanted...... ick... sorry..... low self esteem kicks in.... haha.
I see all your points. All true. I keep getting even more upset about it. I think I should just drop it even though confronting him may make me feel better. I don't know. Maybe I will continue to snoop and just make sure nothing more comes of it? Just make sure he's not steering in the direction of infidelity? If in fact, he does start flirting, etc. then I should confront him? I just hate how this situation has made me feel about myself, like I'm a bad wife, ugly, fat, etc. etc. This ex of his is cute, skinny, single, having the "time of her life", is an actress in a theatre troup (which is something my husband was into himself when younger), I just feel like he may find her more exciting, the type of girl living the type of life he always wanted...... ick... sorry..... low self esteem kicks in.... haha.
Well he very well may be interested in her life, and what that is like. Don't get down on yourself! While you may envy her single life, she may envy your married life. It seems to always be that way...
As for advice I will say this. I would probably still snoop. I just don't think I could take not knowing. My advice is to not do so though. I know its tough, but you are only setting yourself up to be angry. I think you should just say that you noticed when trying to log in to your myspace account you accidently logged into his. You noticed he changed the password, and ask him if he is planning you a surprise party or something...
Take this situation as a chance to spice up your life a little bit. He may miss theater, so take him to a play or two. Surprise him in the morning with some passion so at least when he get online that he is thinking of you.
Speaking from experience, I wouldn't say a word to your husband regarding the password or the communications with the old girlfriend. It appears innocent at this point; and that's exactly where you want it to stay! If you confront him, it will only push him in HER direction. Sure, keep an eye on what he's doing but don't push him away. I've learned this the hard way. Once you get the book we've recommended, you can use some of those techniques to head off the problem. Try not to be angry and controlling (I know it's hard); it will work against you at this point.
Husband Writing ex-Gf on Myspace at 4am.
Re: Husband Writing ex-Gf on Myspace at 4am.
