I need advice..... My Wife started having an affair about 3 months ago and I found out then. Of course she denied it over and over but later has admitted it to me. We are currently seperated and she is still with this guy. She fights with him on a weekly basis now so it might be ending but I'm not so sure. We have talked about us working things out alot lately and I forgive her. She has fianally opened up to me about him and told me that she does have feelings for him and his children. But everytime they fuss he runs to one of her best friends to discuss thier problems and the un-married bestfriend or friend(s) call her up and talk her out of not leaving him everytime by making her feel guilt. She has said that he has even told her that he loves her etc. etc.. I feel like she is torn between me and him in a way. and doesn't want to hurt his kids or her friends. He is a Bad Boy type as she said and I am so sweet to herand her daughter . She has said that the lifestyle that he has is not her.
My question is how can I help her shut the door completely on all this and us work this out? She does have a child which is my step-daughter and the biolgical Father is taking her to court to try to get custody because he doesn't like who my wife is currently hanging around. We have been together for 3 years total. Please Help
You must become unavailable to her. At this point she has lost nothing. She still has you waiting in the wings. I will wager if you stop being there for her, and stop calling her or taking her calls, that she will dump this guy. She will sit on the fence as long as you allow her to. Personally, the next time you talk to tell her this (but say it dispassionately) " You know, I think I'm done with you. I mean you cheated and lied to me. I know I'm not the bad boy you seem to like, so I'm going to go find the good girl that I deserve. Please do me a favor and just leave me alone.". She will then start pursuing you, because you represent security, this other guy represents fun. Personally I have no idea why you want her back. And I hope the father is a better living arrangement for the daughter. But its your choice. I can assure you that the moment you stop giving her a back up plan she will dump this guy. Then she will be all yours. That is until it happens again. Which it will. Things will be ok for a while. But when security gets old, she will be out trolling for the bad boys again. My opinion, dump the skank.
My question is how can I help her shut the door completely on all this and us work this out?
You can't, at least not with the objective of her getting back together with you. She's finished with you. There's no going back, ever, even if she decides she's fed up with this OM.
I think this is called cake eating, she has both of you filling different needs, she is good like this, why would she stop.
I think you should talk to her and tell her you have listened to her about the OM and your marriage and that you have come to some decisions......
You tell her that you love her very much and would be willing to work on your marriage so both of you are happy but only if the OM is totally gone from your lives. You tell her until that happens you will no longer be willing to live in the situation you now are in.
She will have to decide what life she wants, you must make her feel what the decision to have an affair and to be with another man while she is married to you feels like. Without your support that you will be moving on with your life ........
You tell her this unacceptable for you to be disrespected like this....
You tell her it's to painful for you to live like this and until she is ready to commit to the marriage and have the OM out of her life for good, you cannot and will not be in contact with her and you will be focusing on your own life and where that leads you.
Then you don't answer her calls, you don't text each other, there is No Contact at all.............
Let her feel and live her decisions and what that all means without you in the picture,
This is your only hope, she had to come out of the affair fog on her own, thinking of the consquences and feeling them is the only way. It will be tough on you to sit back and wait, but believe me she will never come off the fence if you don't have some boundaries in place for yourself and your marriage.......
It all takes time be patient and in the mean time keep yourself busy with positive things...........
I need advice..... My Wife started having an affair about 3 months ago and I found out then. Of course she denied it over and over but later has admitted it to me. We are currently seperated and she is still with this guy. She fights with him on a weekly basis now so it might be ending but I'm not so sure. We have talked about us working things out alot lately and I forgive her. She has fianally opened up to me about him and told me that she does have feelings for him and his children. But everytime they fuss he runs to one of her best friends to discuss thier problems and the un-married bestfriend or friend(s) call her up and talk her out of not leaving him everytime by making her feel guilt. She has said that he has even told her that he loves her etc. etc.. I feel like she is torn between me and him in a way. and doesn't want to hurt his kids or her friends. He is a Bad Boy type as she said and I am so sweet to herand her daughter . She has said that the lifestyle that he has is not her.
My question is how can I help her shut the door completely on all this and us work this out? She does have a child which is my step-daughter and the biolgical Father is taking her to court to try to get custody because he doesn't like who my wife is currently hanging around. We have been together for 3 years total. Please Help
you would be biggest fool if you dont dump her forever
Thanks for all the comments. I think without her bestfriend or friends influencing her she would leave him alone. She starts running back to me and let's them know they talk her out of it everytime. What can I do about them, she blows up when I try to talk to her about them. And his kids I think she really scared of hurting them.
I have done the no contact thing and it seems to work somewhat cause she seems to want to spend time with me. But like I said she gets chastized for it by the friends.
The heat of all this really only started in September should I wait it out a little longer for her to let her get un interested in this guy?
Oh Ya, she is still in Denial to some that she is even seeing him. If that even tells you what kind of character her has.
Wow. Its like you are completely ignoring what is being said to you. But that is your choice. No you don't give her more time. You don't call her again. You don't answer the phone when she calls you. If she tracks you down let her walk up to you and you spit in her face. Tell her she is a cheating skank and that if she comes within a 100' of you, you will get a restraining order against her. Then you move on with your life.
Why is her friends so against you? I assume she has told them how you have treated her? First off I suggest you find out why she has found OM and has stepped out of the marraige "for a bad boy". Remember the affair is the end result, not the start of a problematic marraige. If the both of you can understand what behaviors brought the both of you to this point in your marriage you both may beable to repair this. On the other hand ,you may be the perfect husband and her and her friends are just out to destroy the marriage. Some thing to think about as you move on. I do aggree with most of the posts on this thread, if she is into bad boys for no other reason, then it would be best to move on. If you dont understand what brought your marriage to this point it is possible to end up with the same out come, but with a differant marriage, later on in life.
There are some link on this site that will help you "end the affair" look for it will help.
Dont forget, set some boundries and stand by them!
30305 Let's analyse the facts from the little we do know of what's going on in your situation:
1. You say you've been with her for 3 years, yet you mention that you're separated and she lives with this other guy.
To me the above sounds as if you're no longer together, and probably haven't been for a while?
2. There's some confusion with when the affair started? You say it started 3 months ago and that you found out... when? Immediately and then she continuously denied it? And when did the separation happen? It seems all too fast to me... she had an affair back in September, in that time you not only found out about it, you then got separated and she moved in with her lover? Does it not suggest that the affair must have been going for some time? You yourself say she kept denying it... how long was she denying it for?
3. You also mention that she's torn between the two of you.
From what you've told us so far, it doesn't look like she's torn at all. She had an affair. She left you for him. And is still with him. Ergo she loves him - no being torn about it unless... there's something else we don't know?
4. Do you still love her? If so, who asked for the separation?
5. If you do love her, why do you still love her? Why are you even still there for her?
6. Do you think she still loves you? If so, what makes you think that?
7. Has there been any sexual relationship since you've left each other between the two of you?
8. Lastly, when your ex tells her your so sweet, do you think it's a compliment? We don't know the circumstances of when she tells you this. Does she tell you this when she's particularly stressed and wants to be comforted?
Well big things happened this weekend. Wife called me on Saturday out of the blue and got straight to the point. She asked if I still loved her? I said yes then she asked if I wanted us to work this out? I said you know the answer of course I do She then went on to say that she loved me and wanted to also. She told me that she was going to kick the guy out of the house the following day and just to let her get through that weekend. She called me the next day and told me she had did it and he didn't take it to well he told her the reason that she was ending thier realtionship was because she wanted to go back to her husband.(Guilt trip I know). Wife told me that he is not working, his job is seasonal and to top it all off his car got repossed. She said that he was a heavy drinker and just couldn't take it. The minute he was taken home with all his stuff by my sister inlaw he went over to my wife's friends house to talk to her about everything which is where he would go everytime my wife and him had a fuss. The friend would then call my wife and try to make her feel guilty, this friend as I stated before has been against me. Well this past Sunday the friend called my wife and said that he (the om)thought my wife was cold hearted etc. etc. claimed that he loved her etc. etc. My wife then told her that she has a daughter and just can't be around someone who will not work and drinks every night.
My wife came by my place today and we talked briefly and we hugged and kisssed each other. I let her make the moves with the exception of the hug. She has invited me to her family's house for Christmas and I told her I would go.
So my question to all of you is where do I go from here.
Wife has an affair going on need some help. 
