I cheated on my husband..... now what?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-27-2010, 03:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy I cheated on my husband..... now what?

I'll give a quick breakdown of our relationship first so that you can see the big picture:
- Started dating when I had just turned 20, him 21
- After 3 months of a long distance (4hrs) relationship I moved to his town & we bought a house when we were 21 & 22
- Engaged at 21 & 22, married at 22 & 23
- Had our daughter at 24 & 25
- Therefore we are both now 26, been together 6 years, married 3 with a beautiful 15 month old girl

In the beginning I was really attracted to my husband, we had an amazing connection & became best friends, we understand each other & are completely comfortable together.
The 'romantic' spark and attraction was there & slowly started dwindling on my end of things. 4 Years ago my husband moved 2 hrs away to work in a coal mine so he would be at home half of the week & working the other half....... since the birth of our daughter we moved down to be with him and now live together full time.

I am like alot of other women on this site, have no attraction to my husband although I know he is a handsome man, I dont want him touching me or kissing me, it actually repulses me, I don't even pretend to like kissing or sex, I just refuse to do it.

He is an excellent husband, amazing Dad, provides what we need and more & would do anything for us, however it's just the one thing thats missing, but it is a HUGE part of a relationship. It breaks my heart to see how lonely & upset he looks lately because i do love him & care about him, im just not in love anymore. I have felt like this for a few year now, just not to this extent, it has obviously gotten worse, I had hoped things would get better....

At the beginning of Nov we went out for my birthday to the races & he had a bit to drink and told me to F off & P off twice in front of other people, which he doesnt usually do. After this I wanted to go out for the night on my own and do whatever, didnt happen but I did meet a german guy on the mini bus home & we got talking and I thought he was a pretty friendly guy. I ended up with his details & we talked a little bit on facebook & text for a few weeks, then organised for me to go over to his place which I have done twice now... Have been from early in the evening until about 3am both times. I feel so terrible that i've done this to my husband but I also feel bad that im in a marriage which doesn't have any romance.

I really don't know what to do? Myself & the OM have organised to meet when I can but I am also worried that I am developing feelings for the OM as we seem to have a really good connection physically & emotionally. The OM is in town temporarily for work so I thought that would be better than me getting involved with someone who lives locally.........

Part of me want's to tell my husband what i've done & part of me thinks I should just keep quiet so I don't hurt him any more, I also don't know what to do with our marriage. Myself and my husband has spoken about it all before I cheated & agreed things were very different & neither of us were happy........

We have spoken about maybe taking time apart..... just so lost and need some unbiased advice........

thanksc

Last edited by dazedconfused; 11-27-2010 at 03:38 PM.
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Old 11-27-2010, 11:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband..... now what?

Although i am going through something similar but my wife is doing her thing online, you also need to think carefully that this OM is not just temp filing your void you have missing. You need councilling....you are breaking his heart......and eventually those of your kids......you need to find a way to rekindle the lost love....don't give up on him...hard I know but give yourself a fighting chance and cut the chocolate from the chocolateholic...
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Old 11-28-2010, 12:22 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband..... now what?

dc,
I suggest telling the part of you that wants to tell H, that you are a better person then what you have done in the past, and tell that part of you, that can now be an honest person with honor and remorse and will move on to be the good/great person you know you want to be.
Then tell the other part of you that does not want to hurt our H any more that you are strong confident women that will no longer have any contact with this OM, and tell that part of you, that you have taken a vow/promise, and that you will no longer hurt you or no one else. until you have taken a personal account of were your life is heading. It seams this affair is hurting you

As far as your marriage goes please remove any influences that will effect your discision on staying or leaving your marriage, and if that includes your H it should also include OM. But you took a vow so in my opinion this issue should include your H and by all mean inform him of the end result of your problematic marriage. Your marriage was broken before the affair and to repair it all aspects need to be addressed. Remember this, you can be honorable and walk away from this as such, be it married or not.

In my case when I was told/ discovered my W affair, our marriage changed for the better, for whats thats worth.
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Old 11-28-2010, 02:12 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband..... now what?

TG thanks so much for your response it makes a lot of sense & is nice not to be attacked over starting this kind of thread seeing as though I am the one in the wrong.

What there was of the affair was hurting me, it actually made everything that had been happening with my husband more intense & I was more emotional because I was dealing with two situations and people which were upsetting me.

I sent a text to the OM this afternoon ending it, deleted his number & removed him from my Facebook page. I know I can do this I just really need to be strong. I realised that going any further with the OM is just going to cause more heartache for my husband & for me.

I am going to get in contact with a marriage counsellor and start from there. I would like to give my marriage a chance & see if I can get those feelings for my husband that I once had, back again.

Thank you again your advice is really appreciated.
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Old 11-28-2010, 02:19 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband..... now what?

Ozzielost, sorry I didnt see your post in the above the guys - I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am extremely remorseful & would do anything to feel the way I did about my husband.

I read online about ending things with the OM and that it will be like ending an addiction, which it is, but at the end of the day, I was filling a void that i've had for so long. I need to work hard at getting the spark back into my marriage and take things from there.

I really appreciate your response as well, it has really helped me.
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Old 11-28-2010, 02:33 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband..... now what?

It sound like you listened to the right part of your self.


Now go fix your self and see what happens, I just hope your H is along for the ride.

If the dude only knew. For me, I got tired of all the boytoys my W had and finally changed my ways. God if your H could only see the problems he just might change his ways too. It took 13 years to pull my head out of my butt. So good luck with that and remember go to sleep and know that you are the best person you can be and above all else honor is worth all else. And doing right is really such a pain in the *ss, its gotta have a great pay off.
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Old 11-28-2010, 06:45 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband..... now what?

Dazedand confused, I don't condone your actions, but I see that you realize your mistake and killed it before it got too ugly. (You didn't mention if the affair got physical, but I'll assume that it did)
As far as telling your H, in most cases, I would encourage complete confession, but in others, such as yours, I would confess seeing the other guy, but leave out the gory details.
I'm glad to see that you want to work on your marriage. Good luck, and I hope it works!
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Old 11-28-2010, 11:19 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband..... now what?

Thanks to you also F-102 - Yes the affair did get physical on the 2 occasions & although i've been feeling lost/sad/guilty since ending it with the OM I know this is a part of the process & things should improve.

We have an appointment booked with a marriage counsellor on Thursday of this week so we will see what happens from there.

I am not sure about whether or not to tell him about what has happened. I know it sounds cowardly but I am not sure if it's going to make things a whole lot worse? He is pretty heartbroken at the moment knowing the fact that I don't feel that spark for him anymore, so should I tell him what has happened?

I am so confused....
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Old 11-29-2010, 05:24 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband..... now what?

You will have to tell him at some stage, the marriage won't heal unless the affair is bought out into the open.

Your husband may choose to leave, this is the risk, the greater risk is this is going to affect your mind and will be a nemesis on you for the rest of your life if you do not reveal what happened to your husband, worse the OM tells others and it gets back to your husband.

Once your husband knows of the affair, if he reacts as others have he will want to know the details including the OM's name and contact numbers, be careful not to lie, dripping information to your husband will make it worse for you, all the gory details will eventually come out, take the plunge and tell all.

You husband in turn, hopefully, forgives you and works with you to rebuild your marriage.

There is a tough road ahead, tell him always that you love him and that you want to be with him. The marriage can be a better marriage going forward, you both have to want to be in this marriage and take the steps to heal.

Wishing you well.

Last edited by Eli-Zor; 11-29-2010 at 05:30 AM.
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Old 11-29-2010, 09:15 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband..... now what?

The OM won't tell & have it get back to my husband, as I said he is in the town that I live on a work contract, isn't friends with people here apart from at work & is leaving here for good in December & lives no where near here & is from another country.

I can give my husband the OM's name but as for contact number, I don't know it as it's deleted from my phone & I don't have it stored anywhere. I am prepared to tell my husband but I don't think that the OM needs to get involved when I talked to him online only in a friendly manner until I suggested we meet up, which ended up happening twice, both being physical.

I am not saying the above to make the situation sound better because obviously it's not a good situation but this was all over & done with over a period of 2-3 weeks.

Thanks for the well wishes. He knows I wan't to always be with him & I know the same from him. We just really need to get the affection/sexual element back into our marriage & I think a lot of other things will fall into place. I am hoping we can work things out.

Thanks again
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Old 11-29-2010, 09:57 PM   #11 (permalink)
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So I guess my second question is do I tell my husband about sleeping with this man twice? It kills my husband enough with the problems which we have let alone him having to deal with this & he has a nut case of a sister who once she finds out will abuse the absolute cr@p out of me.....

I want to be honest, just don't know if it's going to cause more damage?? Especially with my daughter who is 15 months old..... I know I put myself in this predicament but just don't know what to do next? And do I tell him before our counselling session or during??
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Old 11-30-2010, 06:44 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband..... now what?

I am going to draw a lot of fire for this but my advice would be not to tell him. If you are convinced that you are going to work on the marriage and that the affair is over then don't tell him.

You should live with the consequences of your actions, he doesn't have to. Telling him will do nothing but cause him pain.
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Old 11-30-2010, 07:55 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband..... now what?

Of course it is hard to live with what you have done, but it will be harder for your husband and he might choose to remove himself from the constant reminders of your betrayal, and that would be a tragedy for everyone.

RWB I am sorry for your pain and of course we all would want to know if we are being betrayed, that doesn't make it a good idea.

I believe that an affair is a symptom rather than a cause of marital problems, so her and her husband can work on the cause whether he knows or not.
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Old 11-30-2010, 10:50 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband..... now what?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RWB View Post
Jamesa,

Respectfully, re-read your quote, "I believe that an affair is a symptom rather than a cause of marital problems, so her and her husband can work on the cause whether he knows or not."

Affairs are a definite symptom, however they alter perception and actions to the Betrayer as well as the Faithful spouse. Explain how the betrayed can fully "work" on the marriage if they don't understand fully the consequences of what they are working for? Honesty is the cornerstone of marriage. How can you truly love another and lie to their soul?
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Old 11-30-2010, 11:36 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I cheated on my husband..... now what?

I would vote toward the side of telling him. I know it hurts, it's hard, and we should be honest in saying you're probably worried he will throw in the towel given this information.

Knowing that, what you would be doing by NOT telling him would be a form of control. By withholding certain information for him to make decisions on and by which to work on the marriage with, you are essentially controlling his emotions, choices, and reactions.

It isn't easy, but in the end, he will be free to CHOOSE, and if he chooses you, then how good would that make you feel? You'd have a husband that, even when you went outside of your marriage, still loves you enough to work on things with you.

It may sound crazy now, but these types of things can actually be a launching pad to strengthen and build a very healthy marriage if you truly want that to happen.

I'm glad to see you're ready to move forward and admit your mistakes. Hopefully you and your husband can get to the bottom of your marital issues and build a lasting relationship.
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