sadgirl29

Hi I am looking for some advice from people who may have been through something similar. About ten months ago my husband of a few years told me he was unhappy with our marriage and didn't know if he wanted to stay married.

After much talk he told me he had been confiding in a "very good friend" who is female and works with him and I had never heard of her. we started counselling and about three weeks later I received an annonymous letter telling me he was having an affair with this person.

He totally denied it said they were just very close friends. They were still in touch for a while, I found an email from her on his computer,I also found a letter she wrote him and I found out he had met her a few times. To say I was hurt and sad was the understatement of the year. Anyway through my perseverance (ie not throwing him out and changing the locks) we survived he cut out all contact with her and things have improved alot. He no longer works with her although a close friend of hers works with him and my husband has told me he suspects that this woman does not like me and will not tolerate any conversation in which my name might come up.

I can't stop thinking about this "very close friend as he calls her", she lives close by and I see her at least once every two weeks. Anytime I bring her up with my husband now he tells me I am living in the past and need to move on. Things got so bad between us that I actually believe if he did have an affair with her he would have admitted it but he has admitted to telling her very personal things about me, him and our marriage which I actually find more hurtful than a one night stand.

The fact that this person is walking around with a smile on her face knowing deeply personal things about me makes me feel so sad. My husband says that she was never the issuse it was because of our problems (lack of intimacy, me very busy with work) that he confided in her. I just don't know how to get past it. we have finished our counselling now but I still have all this hurt and sadness inside me. Any advice or suggestions really appreciated.

tamara24

Dear sadgirl,
My husband did this to me yet, I felt he did not tell me the truth at the time as I had already had dealt with firtation issues with him that had gotten out of hand. The last one was the hardest blow as we had children involved and I felt/continued to feel like he had dishonored notonly me but our family as well. I found this site as I have let his emotional affair eat at me for years.
Every fight,I would bring up how he had hurt our family,every time things got rough, I worried if he was going to do it again. It seemed no matter what job he got, there was always a woman he found to talk to.it has driven me nuts. He always says,it was in the past. We need to forget to move on. Would it be better if he just lied and said he slept with her even though he says he didn't?
What I have come to realize there are lots of reasons in our marraige that contributed to him looking for attention from another woman. However it did not make it right.
All I can tell you, is you have to make a true choice of whether you are able to forgive and mean it. You have to be willing to let go. There are going to be really bad days and you need to express to your husband how he can help you feel better. Maybe it means more hugs,listening to you or making you feel like you are the one he wants to be with. Spend more time together so you become more confident in your relationship with your hubby. Don't let yourself become a victim.as soon as you give in to that mentality, it goes downhill from there.
If you believe your hubby and trust him then find out what caused him to go into an EA and fix it.,work on it and continue to work on it. Let yourself grieve but do not keep holding resentment or it will eat at your love andtrust for your hubby.
I feel for you,but don't let it waste precious years that you can be happy. It is hard work but once you set your mind to dealing with the issue and not blaming yourself,hubby,OW.you. can and will survive it!
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